Baby project #14

English: Cervical cap Français : Cape cervical...

 

Second insemination went smoothly. Five follicles have released  I was laying there thinking HELL YES!! It sounded like good news. My doctor is very dry. She even had a great tone to her voice. She did say if this didn’t work, she wouldn’t change the protocol at all.

 

The social worker and I talked after my 15 min of laying there. I told her I was excited by the number of follicles. She said it is a good sign. How good are they and will they create a baby is the big question.

 

The cervical cap came out easily last night. She placed another one in today. I wanted to go to my acupuncturist  today.  I will be there tomorrow. The last time I was there she said they got robbed. When she left late at night. So I decided against going because I wouldn’t get there until late. I don’t want to put myself or my acupuncturist in danger. Her husband is out of the country for a while.

 

The social worker said try not to worry about it. If I can pull that off I need to write a book. I am going to assume right at this moment I am pregnant with my twin girls. Here is to the Law of Attraction!!!

 

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Baby Project #12

My doctor’s appointment was 9:20 am. I went to work because it is easy to get there from my job than my house. Damn Atlanta traffic. I swear every time that thing is in my VJAY it is a new form of discomfort.

The good news is I know have four mature eggs. I also have some small ones. I asked her about multiplies. She said I have a 2% chance of multiplies. Even with that 2% chance they made sure I signed that waiver that I know what I am getting my butt into.

Tomorrow will be my first insemination. I did not ovulate myself. I got the trigger shot straight in the ass. So she told me to check my ovulation tonight. When I get the positive it will show the medicine is working.

I asked her a question. She said are you just asking questions to ask questions. Because you know the answer. I should have been mad, because shit you should answer whatever question I ask.
My mother does the same thing when she is nervous. She asks the same questions over and over again. So I told her I am nervous. She then stated there is nothing else you can do at this point. It is not in your hands anymore. All you can do is show up to the appointments. You have four eggs we just need one to be good.  I feel so helpless.

On a lighter note I haven’t taken down my personal ad. I know I should, I am just not ready. Well I met this new guy online. He actually lives down the street from me. I was honest about my baby making journey. I wanted to give him a chance to run if it was too much for him. So far so good. We have been chatting for a couple of days.

I would hate to be a bad romantic comedy. The Jennifer Lopez movie where she met the guy the day of insemination. Life is stranger than fiction. I can’t claim to know what will happen in my life. I am surprised every time.

That DAMN CAT!!

Okay the ex boyfriend text me yesterday. I need him to go away!!. I know I should have ignored it. I know I should have deleted the messages and moved on. Well woulda, coulda, shoulda. I answered with a vengeance  He still loved me, Could we still be friends. He is sorry. He is coming to my apartment.

Now I understand how women go back to their abuser. It so easy to call someone stupid for going back to someone. When you love someone and your emotions are involved you want to believe they changed. You want to believe the good. Even though all they shown you is bad.

In this case I was so pissed. I told him off several times. I don’t want to believe he has changed. I had enough experience to know that isn’t true. I don’t want to believe he cares about anyone but himself. Because I know that isn’t true. He wants to be my friend. None of my friends treat me like crap. So why would I put him in the category of great people who have been there for me. He is no friend.

He doesn’t want to be the bad guy. He wants to be forgiven so he can sleep at night. Well sorry dude not giving that to you. After I got sick of texting I called him and said “say your piece because this is the last time we are going to speak.” Blah, blah, blah the same bullshit coming through the phone. I went to the left. Not my finest moment. Not something I am proud of. Not something that made me seem like a mature adult. I blasted his ass. He hung up on me and I was emotionally spent. I can’t blame this man for what I allowed him to do. I know I share in the blame. I just need him to stop contacting me. I need to heal and move on. I need my life to not have him in it. Or anyone that brings me down in any way. Knowing him, time will pass and he will contact me again. Just like the cat that you can’t get rid of. He will be back!!!

No ovulation yet. Which is unusual. I guess the fertility drugs delayed it. The doctor said this drug usually pushes it forward. Well the eggs are staying in the oven to mature some more. She said she needed them to get bigger. They would be ready for the trigger shot by Wed. So that is what I am shooting for. My boss is out for a week. So my trips to the doctors won’t have to be explained. I will just tell another manager who knows the deal I will be back. Which makes this process smoother.

My anxiety is going out every day. I am about to put the sperm of a stranger in me to make a baby. I am working on starting a family alone. This shit is frightening. I also still want twins. I know my ass is crazy. But I want my child to have a sibling. Someone to go through life with.

God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

and the wisdom to know the difference

I am cooking my dirt tea tonight. I am going to drink today and tomorrow. She said to drink before insemination.  Here is to changing my life completely.

 

Bad Fertility News

pregnancy test - negative

My test came back. In so many words my eggs suck. Yes I said it. They are old. My AMH was .28. Normal is 1-3. If I am pregnant right now, god was really on my side.  She wants me to start taking DHEA. The supplement that put all these damn pimples on my face. I have to say I am not excited about it.

She did say the results were expected for being 38. I swear I should have gotten knocked up years ago. No I was the safe sex poster girl. I need not joke about that because I know a few people who are HIV positive. I know I was doing the right thing. The problem in doing the right thing, I feel like I am getting the shit end of the stick.

I remember last year when a reproductive place said the .2 AMH just means you are going to go through menopause early. You could leave here and get pregnant right away. I am trying to stay positive. There are no guaranteeing in life.

I could be crying and my causal circumstance this weekend could have been my dream come true.

I don’t feel comfortable telling the doctor about the casual circumstance. So I am not sure how to maneuver through that one.

I am not feeling positive right now. I am going to work on it. I asked her does she still see good odds after my test have come back.  I am waiting for that answer. I swear I checked my email five times already.

I can not afford IVF. I am going to go all in with the medication and recommendation for the IUI.  I am hoping I don’t have to. I know, still trying to keep hope alive!!!!

I know people who have passed all test with flying colors and couldn’t get pregnant. Then their women who did horrible on the test and went home with a baby. God here my prayers. HELP ME!!!!!

 

LIMBO

English: Limbo, near Honeygeo

I don’t know what my future holds. They haven’t said anything else about the promotion as of yet. So that is on hold. Which puts baby making on hold. I been tracking my ovulation over the past few months. I should have gotten the double line today. I did not. I don’t need any more problems. I am hoping the double line shows up tomorrow.

I received a Christmas gift from my mom. It was nice to have a box to open. I guess I could have waited but I didn’t. So sweet of her. We are not really a Holiday family. Everyone asks why I don’t go home for the Holidays. First off it is cold. Second my mother has never been big on the Holidays.

I need to bring my ass home. I haven’t been home in almost two years. That was for a funereal.  I wasn’t in a rush to visit because I thought I would be living there permanently in a few months. If this promotion comes through and I take it I will have to plan a visit home.

I picked my top three choices of sperm donors. I saw on a website where a woman had a donor party. She posted the top three choices and let people put them in the order they would choose. I thought that was cute and emailed my friends and family the profile information to see what order they would pick. It went pretty well until one friend told me she wouldn’t use two of them at all. Which is fine I didn’t mind her opinion. But it sounded like she expected me to drop them from my choices based on her opinion. Ahh NO!! I know more about these men than any man I have ever slept with. One friend made me laugh. She said damn I wish he could be the father of my child.

I made my choices I was sharing. I guess I could have kept it to myself. Other than that one person I enjoyed what others had to say.

I choose based on intelligence, weight, essay, eye color. I was content with my choices. One of my donors doesn’t even have a picture. Some think that is strange but to me it wasn’t a big deal. Does a baby picture really tell you what they are going to look like as adults.

I have seen very cute kids turn into not so attractive adults. So it wasn’t a major thing for me.

I started online dating again. Well I guess I never stopped. I just put the location back to Georgia. I got a lot of emails. Seems like I am fresh meat LOL!! I am not looking for a relationship. Male company would be nice. I have my plans and I am moving forward. No interruptions !! It is all stemming on this job. If that doesn’t work out back to plan A and I am leaving the south for good.

Breakup to Makeup

I have been feeling lost since the breakup. I was single for three and  a half years prior to this relationship. To clarify I called no one my boyfriend, but dated. I was enjoying having a relationship even with the drama. To be attached to someone. Relationships are hard and I am always eager to quit when it doesn’t seem to be going my way. A trait I learned from my mom.

Well he texts me and we ended up on the phone. He missed me!!! 🙂 I missed him also. I am still apprehensive we will end up in the same place eventually. We agreed to get back together. I have to say I was smiling. I wasn’t thinking is the rational, is this going to work. I was purely happy.

He came over and we had a face to face. I assigned both of us homework. Things we need from this relationship for it to work. We will be discussing it in a week. I thought that was being proactive. Instead of going right back to the same routine. That clearly doesn’t work.

With the breakup I was also upset of having to find another baby making plan. I wasn’t going to go up to another man with “you want to be my baby’s daddy?’ The sperm bank would have been my next stop.  So I haven’t decided if I am going to try Soy Isoflavones again on try Clomid. He has agreed to take a few days of for the big O. I am excited to actually really try this up coming cycle.

I am also happy to have him back. He also came back to me. With an apology of his behavior. They say if something is for you it will come back to you. Will this work? I have no idea. One day at a time we will see.

Update to my sob story!!

I have to say I am still upset. I am over it I guess. Well I am more disappointed than upset. The boyfriend and I talked again. I asked him if I was pushing him into this. I don’t know if I really wanted the answer. I couldn’t stop myself from asking. He said no I was not pushing him. He would tell me if he didn’t want to be a part of this. Then I asked him if he thought I was overreacting. He said yes. I expected that, and he is right. Then he said but that is you. I didn’t get offended by that, because it is true. When I get my mind focused on something my OCD turns on. It is nice he knows me enough not to let my issues bother him.

I asked him if he would take a day off next month. To my surprise he said yes without any prodding. That put a big smile on my face. I told him when AF comes I will count and let him know what day to take. Then I will take one-off also. I hope it isn’t Thanksgiving. That would upset my world big time. I have no family plans. He could be going home to see his family.

I am not going to think that way. Positive thinking needs to start. I bought a few scratch tickets today. If I win I told him I am sending him to spill his seed in a cup at the RE. So then I don’t have to worry when he is in town or not. LOL.

All this is not the outcome I wanted, but better than I expected.

When will my stars align!!!

Ok so this was a missed month and I guess I have to suck it up. He is in another part of the state somewhere. I am beyond disappointed. I know I have to put my big girl draws on and work it out. He has to work and keep his job. I do understand that believe me I do. As I go to my job everyday and need my paycheck to keep a roof over my head.

I believe he didn’t want to disappoint me. I just didn’t get the reaction I wanted. Actually I didn’t know what reaction I expected. “We have next month” so casually was not what I wanted. Am I pushing this on him? A question I have asked him and he said “no he wants children”. I guess he just not going to share my semi depression because he missed the big O this month.

I know there is nothing he can do. I get that. I just don’t know what to do with my feelings around the situation. Second month of finding the O and no boyfriend. My friend said I should work on the relationship. I get that!!! I do. My focus is both actually. 

I feel like I am in a long distance situation. In his defence he told me how his job would affect a relationship. I signed up eyes open. I don’t know what to do? I know I am overacting but I am ready for things to work out in my favor.

I am also concerned if this relationship isn’t working, and I am pushing this baby thing so much that I am not seeing it.

I don’t want to wait another month!!!

I finally got the happy face. Yes my method of using the cheap OPK than confirming with the expensive Clear-blue easy works. This morning I thought I was going to get the happy face. The cheap OPK looked like two solid double line. The second line might have been lighter. Well I used two clear blue’s to find no happy face.

I knew I was going to see that happy face soon. I tested tonight the lines were both dark on the cheap OPK. So I used another expensive Clear-blue to confirm. Yeppie a happy face. Now 12 to 48 hours I will be ovulating. I want to put my soy isoflavones to work. I want to achieve the BFP.

Here is the issue the boyfriend is three hours away working. I am hoping he will make it to my house tonight. I do not want to wait another month. I know he has to work. I appreciate he has a job in this economy. Every time I watch the news my heart sinks for all those with no employment. I just need to catch a break. I am going to throw up smoke signals to the heavens to get this man here.

OPK Success

I have some good news to report. I found my LH surge finally. I am not as broken as I thought I was. Boyfriend isn’t in town to take advantage of this surge. He is in VA helping his mom. She is a victim of hurricane Irene. She just got power after a week. He emailed me because there is no cell phone service. I am glad his mom is ok.

So what I did to find the surge.  I tried the regular way for two months.  First with the equate version OPK test from Wal-Mart. That didn’t work. Then I thought because it was cheap I had no success. Next was Clearblue Easy OPK after $40.00 no happy face. I was not happy at all. I followed the directions on the box.  I decided I am not like normal people and those test directions are based on the average woman. Well I am not average which I found out. I found a website that told me to test twice a day. I was not going to spend the money for Clearblue easy to do that.

I went to Amazon.com to look for a cheaper option. I found Wondfo One Step Ovulation kits. There were 50 tests for $10. How could I beat it? Then I went to WEB MD Ovulation calendar to track my fertile period. I also went to Wal-Mart to pick up disposable cups to collect my sample. I noticed is my cycle had changed over the months. One month 28 the next month 23. Web MD uses three months of your cycle to decide your ovulation period. My fertile period was a week earlier than I thought.

I started testing twice a day and got two dark lines. I thought it might be a fluke so I tested it again. I got another dark line. You couldn’t believe my excitement. I still had a few Clearblue easy left and did that test. Finally I got a happy face!!!!