Okay the ex boyfriend text me yesterday. I need him to go away!!. I know I should have ignored it. I know I should have deleted the messages and moved on. Well woulda, coulda, shoulda. I answered with a vengeance He still loved me, Could we still be friends. He is sorry. He is coming to my apartment.
Now I understand how women go back to their abuser. It so easy to call someone stupid for going back to someone. When you love someone and your emotions are involved you want to believe they changed. You want to believe the good. Even though all they shown you is bad.
In this case I was so pissed. I told him off several times. I don’t want to believe he has changed. I had enough experience to know that isn’t true. I don’t want to believe he cares about anyone but himself. Because I know that isn’t true. He wants to be my friend. None of my friends treat me like crap. So why would I put him in the category of great people who have been there for me. He is no friend.
He doesn’t want to be the bad guy. He wants to be forgiven so he can sleep at night. Well sorry dude not giving that to you. After I got sick of texting I called him and said “say your piece because this is the last time we are going to speak.” Blah, blah, blah the same bullshit coming through the phone. I went to the left. Not my finest moment. Not something I am proud of. Not something that made me seem like a mature adult. I blasted his ass. He hung up on me and I was emotionally spent. I can’t blame this man for what I allowed him to do. I know I share in the blame. I just need him to stop contacting me. I need to heal and move on. I need my life to not have him in it. Or anyone that brings me down in any way. Knowing him, time will pass and he will contact me again. Just like the cat that you can’t get rid of. He will be back!!!
No ovulation yet. Which is unusual. I guess the fertility drugs delayed it. The doctor said this drug usually pushes it forward. Well the eggs are staying in the oven to mature some more. She said she needed them to get bigger. They would be ready for the trigger shot by Wed. So that is what I am shooting for. My boss is out for a week. So my trips to the doctors won’t have to be explained. I will just tell another manager who knows the deal I will be back. Which makes this process smoother.
My anxiety is going out every day. I am about to put the sperm of a stranger in me to make a baby. I am working on starting a family alone. This shit is frightening. I also still want twins. I know my ass is crazy. But I want my child to have a sibling. Someone to go through life with.
God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference
I am cooking my dirt tea tonight. I am going to drink today and tomorrow. She said to drink before insemination. Here is to changing my life completely.