Doing better!!

I am going to work on more regular entries into my blog. Work has been hectic with my new position. Hell with my old position which was filling in for the lack of head count is now my new position. Pretty much I been stressed for a while.

I am going to either post during my lunch break. Or when I get home. First it is therapeutic   I also love having a log  of my life.

I did start vloging my SMC journey on my YouTube channel.  I have to say I was unsure about doing that. I still am but I want to share my experience. I guess I am going to go with it until it presents a problem.

I picked up Caffeine again. I know it hinders pregnancy and I need to put it down again. It sucks because I love Caffeine.

Yesterday I sent in a lot of paper work to the women’s center I will be going to for my insemination  This is becoming more and more real. I am excited and totally scared out of my mind in the same breath.

I haven’t closed down my personal ads online yet. I have such a love hate relationship with online dating. I hate that it has not yielded me the man of my dreams. I do love the attention that I do not have in any other aspect of my life. I hate to talk to the idiots that tend to like me online. I do get a little excited when I get an new email expressing interest in me.

Yeah after writing that I realize I am a special case of crazy with online dating.

My roommate situation is lovely and hard at the same time  I think the people I live with are great. They have been nothing but gracious to me. Sometimes I miss living alone and being by myself. I really need to get over this. I don’t think I will be living alone for a very long time to come.

I did meet a new guy online last night. People think I am crazy for being totally honest. I let them know I am looking for an activity partner. I would love a relationship but I have plans to inseminate and if that bothers you let me know now. Shit dating hasn’t gotten me any closer to marriage in all these years. Why lie now??

Well this guy thought it was great and had no problem with it. We will see how long this last. He also asked me a sexual question. Such a red flag to me. I told him I am not answering any sexual question until after we meet. I swear why do so many men lead with what is between their legs.  He could be the greatest guy in the world. The computer meeting gives him the security to ask all kinds of perv questions he probably would never ask in person. I swear I am back to love and hate the net.

 

Random!

Snow White

Image by statelyenglishmanor via Flickr

The guy from the gas station didn’t call. Oh well, I am not sweating it. I will also not call him. He asked for my number he needs to use it. I am not going to be the aggressive one any longer. For some reason aggressive women always seem to come off desperate. I know what I want I am not desperate.

If he calls are not I appreciate the boast to my ego.

On a bad note the ex sent me a text message. I responded with one word answers. How are you he asked. I said fine. I was just checking on you he types. I said okay. With my non use of vocabulary I felt he got the picture. He didn’t respond after that.

I do not have hate in my heart for the man. That doesn’t translate to I don’t think he is an ass and a jerk. I think he is both of those things. I am trying to make sure I don’t let me run havoc on my life again.

The big issue with him is the disappointment of the baby dreams. I was so ready to be knocked up. I should have known from my past nothing is that easy in my life. Everything has to be difficult and hard.

He always try to come back in my life when he is lonely. I am no longer his consolation prize. I am not even going to let my head go into my fantasy of him. That is when I let myself forget the reality of him constantly letting me down. I am staying firm in reality!!

A friend of mine and I talked about fairy tales that messed us up. Snow white, Cinderella. The prince saves us and we live happily ever after. Why does the woman always needs to be saved? What happens after the marriage? They might not live happily ever after and get divorced in six months.

The problem is the happily ever after. No one life is problem free and there will be points of unhappy and disappointment. The belief of a lifetime worth of happiness and perfection is a load of crap I wish wasn’t drilled into me with fairy tales.

Another friend complained that a girl we went to high school wouldn’t let her daughter watch fairy tales. For the same points I stated above. I never really thought about it until now. I think I agree. They are not necessary for a child to grow. I don’t want my child to have the realities of life before they are ready. I also don’t want to ram into their heads a fictional version that will never do them any good in the future.

All these thought and no baby. I might be putting the cart before the horse.

Not as Planned!

I didn’t go to the Fernbank museum. He did contact me via text message to ask if we could meet. It ended up being at irish bar that a band he liked was performing. I was a little upset. My Fernbank dreams down the drain. Now I have to settle with a regular date at a bar. Oh yeah did I mention I was the one who had to do the driving this time. Oh joy for me. I accepted it, since I rain checked on him last week.

The date was ok. We talked for three hours. He is an ultra intellectual. I could see he analyses everything. I also felt he was a major liberal. I don’t have a problem with anyone political beliefs. Certain things he said bothered me. He has what I would call white guilt. He said should I apologize for being white. He sounded like he wanted to hand out apologize for all things white man has done wrong. I thought oh lawd really!! I said well what did you do exactly that you have to apologize for? Meaning him personal not the white man. After those comments I lost interest big time. I personally make no apologizes for my race.  I can’t be blamed for everything done wrong. The conversation went downhill after that. He did give me some good thoughts about my blogging. Granted I didn’t tell him about this blog. I told him about the blog I don’t care who reads it.

Today is looking up big time. I went to the gas station to buy the job lottery tickets for the pool. Also to buy my personal lottery tickets and scratch tickets. Friday was payday so my usually activities. This cute guy was in there. He brought his tickets and were scratching them at the counter. I smiled and did my transaction and left. While I was driving away I was staring at him. He said something to me. I was almost out of the gas station.  I rolled down the window and backed up. He started flirting and I started smiling.

He asked me if I was single. We chit chatted and exchanged numbers. I asked him if he has any children. He said “two”. I told him I didn’t have any but will one day. He said” I make cute babies”. Now I am really smiling!!!.

I haven’t been flirted with in a random public place in so long. It made my day, week, and year so far. The little things can mean so much. We will see what happens!! Things might be looking up for 2012!!

Just A Conversation

Email Icon

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I received an email yesterday from a cute guy. I made the commitment  to myself not to stress over a relationship or a baby for three months. I am still holding true to that. He sent a very nice email. It wasn’t vulgar. He didn’t ask me  for a picture with no clothes. It was very nice simple and sweet. Nice change of pace. I check out his profile.

He was my type and very handsome. Two things struck me. He is two years younger and four inches shorter. Neither a big deal to me. I have a friend who is 5’5 and needs someone over 5’10. Did I mention she is single like the rest of us. I believe you are entitled to your preferences. There are somethings I will not budge on at all. Then there are things that are not that big of deal. Height and age are not a big deal to me.

I am six-foot tall, 6’2 when I wear heels. If he can handle that then we are good.  We exchanged a few emails yesterday. Which was great because it broke up the monotone of my job. My work day was coming to an end. I thought should I ask for his number so we can talk during my long commute. Instantly I thought no I am not asking for anything. If he is interested then he will let me know. When I finally got home I had an email waiting in my in box with his phone number. I thought to myself wow I did that correct.

I gave him a call and left a message. An hour later he called we talked for about twenty minutes. It was a good conversation filled with the getting to know you questions. Then he asked could he call me back in a half an hour. I said sure and went about my evening. Two hours later I realized he never called back. To stay true to my commitment I was not going to obsesses over it. If he called he does if he doesn’t he doesn’t. Me and Mr shitty paints went to sleep. I fell asleep stress free and relaxed.

I checked my phone during my daily morning activities and noticed I had a text message. Mr nice email apologized for not call me back. Wow I win again with this approach. I am not stressing anything and my life is peaceful what ever happens I am going with the flow. We ended up talking on my commute to work. More get to know you questions were asked and answered.

This approach is keeping me stress free and I am loving it. All positive things needs to enter my life and the rest needs to be banished. I might meet this guy I might not. It might turn into something or it might not. I don’t care either way which is a lovely feeling!!!

The best date I ever had!!

These B.S. dates I have been having really has made me think. What was the best date of my life. I have to say it was over 13 years ago. I was in my twenties. I met this guy at a happy hour. I blew him off because I was in a relationship. With another asshole from my past. We broke up a week before Christmas. Then I ran into this guy again at a New Years Eve party.

I remember it was going to be 1999. They were playing the prince song all night. I think I hit on him to let him know I was single. We planned a date for the next week. He took me to the movies, which was late. It started around 10pm. After the movie I stated I didn’t feel like going home.  He said we can do something depending on hour adventurous I was. I was like damn I got into a car with a crazy person. Or he just wants sex. Either way I was uncomfortable.

He gave me a sly smile and said let’s go to the casino’s in Connecticut. I was blown away. I immediately called my mom and informed her I wouldn’t be back to the next day. We were off. We didn’t get there until 2am. I played the slots and he taught me how to play craps. I was up 80.00 and lost it all. Drinks were free and I enjoyed diet coke at the time. I don’t drink (long story). I had the best time. We hit the buffet for breakfast at 6am before we left.

We could barely keep our eyes open driving home. I have to say to date that is still my best date. I dated that guy for about a year. It was one of the complicated relationships where  he was dating me and other people at the time. regardless of the relationship issues he sure knew how to treat a woman. Dinner, dancing, gifts and affection. Which was the reason I let the relationship last a while even after I found out about the other women.

Did I mention he was 13 years older. I thought there were other women but never asked. I didn’t want the answers, so I didn’t ask the question. It was thrown in my face when we went to a comedy show at Harvard. I requested for him to get me a diet coke. While he was at the bar this woman comes up to me. I later found out she was in her early 40’s. She asked me how I knew him and what was our relationship. She was friendly and I was about to answers her questions. Then I thought who the hell is this bitch. He walked over no coke in hand. He must have saw what was going on. He walked passed her and went straight to me. He asked me what did she say and was I alright. Well that set this chick off and she started screaming at him. Yes I was in my 20’s but I have never been about drama and told him to take care of his business and I walked away. Thank god my girls also went to this comedy show. This actually all happened at the after party. Later he meets me in the party. I asked him who was the woman he evaded the question. I told him I still wanted my coke. It was about four bucks for a coke and I wasn’t paying for it. So now we are at the bar. He is at the right of me and the woman who caused the scene came to my left. Still being nice. Not yelling or being rude. She was talking to me like we were friends. Informing me of her relationship with him. It sounded like she was trying to convince me to leave him so she can have him.

I looked her in the face and said ” Look hun he might have lied to you. He has never lied to me so you need to take that up with him” Which was true. I never asked him if he was dating someone besides me. We never labelled our relationship. Well my young behind saying that to this woman set her off. She tried to through my four dollar soda in his face. I told her hell no buy your own. I picked up my drink and walked away. She caused another scene to the point they both were asked to leave. Thank god my friend could drive me home.

He treated me like a princess what can I say. It was hard to give up. I wonder what he is doing now. I tried Facebook with no luck. I hope he seattle down with just one not many. I have to say that was his only flaw!!

Deleted from my Life

I went through my phone and yahoo buddy list and started pressing delete. The phone is not a big deal. If I don’t remember you, or I haven’t talked to you in a long time. I pressed delete.

My Yahoo buddy list is a different story.  I have had these people on this list for years. I always went back to my old friends I met at some point in my life. I know it sounds crazy but I have some very long internet relationships. No I haven’t met these people. They are just online at three am  or whenever to chat when I need a friend. I guess a fake friend.

I started going through my yahoo buddy list and realize I have used the sleath setting to be permanently offline for a lot of people. If you piss me off which happens often. I don’t want you to know when I am online. Usually men looking for sex or just being rude get this setting.

I also deleted my casual encounter person. This is an eight year relationship over. I am morning it some what. I need to focus on new in my life. Not going back to old for random reasons. That situation will never be the kind of relationship I desire. So I put an end to it. I deleted his phone number, email address and yahoo IM screen name. I know me I always go back when things are going bad.

I am a new woman. I need to respect my future and its blessings. No more resurrecting the past. The past is over, the future you can’t predict. I need to live in the present. I told my friend yesterday. If  money came into my world tomorrow. Which I could take care of my debt and afford the sperm donor I picked out. Yes lady’s I have no money but already picked out my number. Hey you have to think positive. I would have my two kids. Yes I said two. Then I would consider dating after my youngest is about two.

I been say my prosperity fast every day. It could be coming my way. Stay tuned.

Possiable Grandparents

I was talking to my mom the other day. She is very excited about being a Nana. Did I mention she had the name her grandchild would call her for the past 15 years. She wanted to know if boyfriend would help me with the baby. I said the only answer I had. He said he wants to. The truth of the matter is who the hell knows. He seems like the type of guy who wants an active interest in his children’s life. He presently doesn’t have any offspring so I have no proof of that fact.

Well my mom informed me if he doesn’t do bring my ass home. Yes those are the words she used. My mom is very ghetto. I love her but she is.  If he doesn’t hold up his end home to Boston is where I will be. I just have a better support system back home. My mom wanted me home for years. It actually has nothing to do with giving birth. It has to do with her only child being gone for ten years. My mother would have never left her mom. Granted my mom was closer to her mom than I am to her. It doesn’t matter in her mind. I still need to be in the same city.

My mom is retired and works part-time. My father will be retired next month. My mom has it all planned out that they can tag team taking care of their grandchildren. The funny thing is my father is more of a baby person than my mother. I just think in this phase of their lives grandchildren would be everything to them. It is great to have that fallback. I want this situation to work. I really do.  The boyfriend and I could work out. We have just as much chance and anyone else. It has been rocky and who knows. I am still keeping hope alive.

She also let me know her and my father would babysit while I am at work. That would be beyond great. Daycare expense can kill any budget. Did I mention my mother and father have been divorced since I was 14. Well to be more specific they broke up with I was 2 1/2 divorced twelve years later. Yeah I know crazy. I guess no one was in a hurry to divorce. Also no one wanted to pay for it.

My mother and I have one sticking point. If I end up back home my dog is not coming. My dog is beyond spoiled. He loves air conditioning. More like central air. Not a AC unit in one window in one room in the house .He hates snow and ice. When GA froze over this last winter my dog was going crazy. Also he only likes to use the bathroom on grass. He would not survive the concrete jungle of a city.   Did I mention he hates cats. My mom’s cat who is going nowhere by the way would kick my dog’s ass. That cat is like 30 pounds. I know sad my mom is going to feed that cat to death. My dog just made 5 pounds. The last point is I don’t want to walk a dog in a blizzard. My mom can talk all the mess she wants to. I know she won’t either!!!

Consequences

This picture shows a panorama of Boston (USA).

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I swear I been thinking about all the choices I made in my life. One choice put my life on the track it is at present. If I could re write history what would I change? Where would I be now? Mysteries of the world that will never be answered. I have seen a few movies with changing the past as the plot. They never seem to end up happy and want the past change right back.

I do believe I learned from my past experiences. I still wish I did many things differently. Will I be happy with the future out come?  Who the hell knows. Hindsight is 20/20.

I told my father I was working on having a baby. He was excited. He was the last family member who this would affect. I don’t know why I waited to tell him. My dad is an easy-going guy. He told me after I graduated college he didn’t care what I did after that point. It sounds bad, but my dad has a GED and was beyond proud that I had a college degree. So I guess at that point there wasn’t anything possible that I could do to disappoint him.

He still wants me to move back home. I miss Boston but it isn’t calling me as much as it use to. My mission of this baby is calling more than anything. My father and I talked about the twin thing. With my mom being a twin. Also my fathers aunt having two sets of twins. YES I am nervous about that. It also keeps coming up!!!

Hopefully children will get my parents to visit more. Once in ten years they step into this state to see me. Very pathetic I might add. They rather I come home than they make it down here. Very selfish in my opinion. Well they are old I can’t change them. I just have to work with it.

Single Again!!

I don’t know how long this will last or is it permanent. The last time we broke up it lasted for a day. Who knows, it all came to ahead last night. I have tried to be understanding of this travel thing. The lack of contact was getting to me. It might be all for the best. We will see what happens. I am still focussed on having my baby. How I am going to go about it now? I have no idea. I need to refocus and figure it out.

We might get back together, or not. Either way I am a solider in life. I am very resilient as my aunt tells me. I just feel no one deserves my tears anymore. I have cried over to many men over the years.

I put on my big girl panties and whatever comes about I will deal with. I talked to my friend I met at the single mom’s by choice group. She is in a similar situation. Dealing with a guy she thought would take her out of that single mom by choice group. The key word is thought. Keep me in your prayers. My cousin is in town and has invited me to his friend’s birthday party. I am getting dressed up and plan on having a great time.

My life has never gone according to any plan I had. This is no different.

Update to my sob story!!

I have to say I am still upset. I am over it I guess. Well I am more disappointed than upset. The boyfriend and I talked again. I asked him if I was pushing him into this. I don’t know if I really wanted the answer. I couldn’t stop myself from asking. He said no I was not pushing him. He would tell me if he didn’t want to be a part of this. Then I asked him if he thought I was overreacting. He said yes. I expected that, and he is right. Then he said but that is you. I didn’t get offended by that, because it is true. When I get my mind focused on something my OCD turns on. It is nice he knows me enough not to let my issues bother him.

I asked him if he would take a day off next month. To my surprise he said yes without any prodding. That put a big smile on my face. I told him when AF comes I will count and let him know what day to take. Then I will take one-off also. I hope it isn’t Thanksgiving. That would upset my world big time. I have no family plans. He could be going home to see his family.

I am not going to think that way. Positive thinking needs to start. I bought a few scratch tickets today. If I win I told him I am sending him to spill his seed in a cup at the RE. So then I don’t have to worry when he is in town or not. LOL.

All this is not the outcome I wanted, but better than I expected.