When I created this blog and my YouTube channel it was for so many different reasons. My blog was so I could write and keep my juices flowing writing. I would love to be a writer but what I learned about myself is I am the biggest procrastinator. Then I used this blog to bitch about my life. Also tell the success and everything good and bad. I love all the comments and the people who support me.
I started a YouTube channel to talk about random things in Atlanta. Also my natural hair. I was actually intrigued with YouTube and wanted to be a part.
Once I started on the baby journey I started to share that on YouTube. I also have random video’s about my life. I don’t know why I didn’t want to merge them and let you guys know about it. Some of you guys have found me on YouTube. Not sure if you know I am the same person.
Today is a new day. I have a YOUTUBE, Twitter, Blog and instagram. I am going to continue to write in this blog. Check me out on YouTube if you like. I have gotten a lot of praise for putting the message out about being a single mother by choice on YouTube. I know when I went to YouTube when I started my journey there were on Lesbians discussing IUI’s Or couples with fertility issues. I am trying to spread the message. The reason is I never thought I would do this. I only considered it because my neighbor was doing it. Which has been the best blessing of my life. All random and I have my beautiful baby. A baby I would have been tortured not to have. Waiting on a man. Which is what I was doing.
I wish I thought of this before I began because some of my video’s I look horrible. In my pajamas and such. I am going to attach my first SMC video and my other links. I have about 25-30 videos on being a Single mother by choice. I love you guys for being there for me so I am going to share a little more with my other venues. Wow I haven’t watched my first video in so long. I am so far removed from that place I was in then. Life has turned around three times. Documenting your life can be a trip.
I needed ink for my printer. I purchased this wireless printer which I love. I bought the black ink from Micro-center. Which wasn’t cheap. I decided to hit eBay and find ink at a cheaper price. I looked at the description it said new. I guess I was naive. With the move and everything else going on, I just replaced the ink. I was shocked when the printer shot me an error Counterfeit ink. WTF!!! really. Granted the boxes did not have the company name on it. I thought it was new until I opened it.
Of course I figured a way around the error message. It took me a good half an hour. I was not going to wast the 50 bucks I spent on all the counterfeit ink. That was made in China. I bought the damn printer I should be able to put what ever ink I want to in the damn thing. It also had some error about refilled ink. Just like corporate America don’t want you to be frugal. Sometimes buying the ink is more than the printers. I needed to print something, so I didn’t rest until I figured out a way to say screw you error message.
Ava room still has a bunch of crap in it. In my defense she is a handful when she is awake. Also I sleep when she sleeps. I should get over that now since she sleeps all night now. I am addicted to naps. There is a window pain that is out of one of her windows. She will not be in that room until she is at least six months old. She is almost 3 months. I have no idea where the time goes. I want to buy her a dresser of her own. Her stuff is all over the place also. My unemployment still has not kicked in. I have no idea what is taking so damn long. No point in complaining, they seem to move slower when you do that. I called when they said they would have a decision. Then I was informed it will be sometime this week. What is the decision, my place of employment said they will not reject unemployment. What more do you have to do.
My food was great today. I am 238 pounds. My goal is 160, then it will be on and popin. Did I mention my High School crush kind of asked me on a date on Facebook. Well I am not going to give an answer until I can fit in my cute clothes. 80 pounds are not going to fall off in a week.
I really need to set a schedule of what I am going to do with my days. So I don’t look back and think all I did was waist me time while I was home.
I had to wake up this morning to go to my weight loss meetings. I officially start tomorrow. I am excited and nervous. No more crappy food. I am not looking forward to eating right. I do use food as comfort. I am looking forward to a sexy small body.
I realized today, my child is antisocial. She cries when I give her to someone else. Which makes me feel so special. Then on the flip side makes me feel like I will never have a social life ever. We went to visit family today and every time they picket her up the tears came on.
Even my mother can’t get her to stop. I am really going to pray she grows out of that quick.
I have made it through lunch of day three. I haven’t eaten any crap. I am so proud of myself. I couldn’t make it one day before. When I took that day off and decided to join the land of the living again. I swear I got a wave in my mind. It said stop the bullshit and get off your ass and just do it. I know it sounds crazy. The moment I picked myself out of that bed. I had to have been for about 16 hours. I made the choice to stop the crap. I am making my own destiny. Presently it was wasting away. I don’t know if this new awakening will last. But dammit it is here today and I appreciate it. I even ran on my home treadmill. Yeah that piece of exercise equipment that has barely been used. My ex would come over and ask how many miles have you put on it. He knew my ass never got on that thing.
He always wanted to let me know when I wasted money. Yes one of his pain in the ass quirks. I wanted to tell him if he wasn’t giving me any money. Stop counting my F-in money.
So today I didn’t get what I needed to at work. You come in to work with a plan. I had it written down. I was going to be so productive. I was going to blow my own mind. Well one of my employees had an appointment. I had to cover one of his morning tasks. No problem a few minutes. An hour later I am thinking WTF. The day I do this it isn’t working. There goes my plan. I figured it out and another department has to make a correction. I got back on task. Now almost the end of day and all I wanted accomplished is lacking being crossed off on my list. Oh well!! You make plans god laughs. I know my place of employment got there money’s worth out of me today.
So I decided to do the Soy 3-7 and give those days another chance. I am also going to take the Mucinex. They say you take it two to three times a day five days before you ovulate to get the cervical mucus correct to get the sperm to the egg. Hey I am down for anything at this point. It is on my shopping list for tomorrow after I get off work. They say drink a lot of water while taking this stuff. So I made a mental note of that. Also there is no harm if you take it to long. So since I don’t have my ovulation down to a science at this point. I am going to start my anticipated five days before my ovulation. I am also going to get on my knees and start praying.
I couldn’t wait until five pm today. I was so mentally done with work. I have been eating again. I swear I need to stop. I been feeling twinges and my nipples have been hard. I don’t want to get to excited.
I do have a date with someone I met online. Something doesn’t feel right about this guy. We will see how it goes. I am not optimistic. I have been looking online for a sensitive pregnancy test. I know I should wait but patience is not my biggest strong suit. The work week has been stressful because I been disinterested in work.
I cried to a friend about my desire for babies. I feel so cursed sometimes. I know it irrational and I am very blessed. I want this more than anything I ever wanted in my life. I took a deep tour through my life. I haven’t had a desire and want so deep. It is hard to explain the need for motherhood. The switched was flipped and I am ready to open that door.
I am going to work on being positive and stop all my negative behaviors.
The waiting games begins again. It will be longer than the two week wait. I don’t have a doctor dishing out papers to have a blood test. I could pay for a blood test out of my pocket. I doubt I am going to do that. I am going to wait until my period shows up. Or not which I hope.
I realized my negativity has risen to new heights. I swear I expected my donor to be the usual type of assholes I meet. Granted he is not Mr. Communication. He has done everything he said he would do.
He is an all around nice guy, as far as I can tell. Granted I would never have dated him. Yes I did think about this. Would this be a man I could date. I like communication. I learned a long time ago, I can not be with a quiet man.
I went to the new GYNO. She won’t give me the Clomid. She did make a good point that she doesn’t think I need it. She wants me to take the Clomid challenge test. She likes that test better than the AMH.
To see if I really have bad egg quality. I am torn do I want to take this test or not. Yes it is more information. Do I need that information is the question. Will it make a difference in my process. I doubt it. Until I can get to MASS and get some health insurance coverage for fertility. I won’t make one bit of difference.
I would like to know if my egg quality is bad. Some good news would put a smile on my face. Even with that information they do not guarantee you pregnancy. There are no guarantee with anything in life. This process has surely taught me that.
My reason to seek a known donor was purely financial. I went to the known donor registry website. I found a guy, and we connected for him to be my baby daddy. Then I was skeptical about that so I started looking through my cell phone to find someone else. One possible taker for sperm donation via cell phone contacts. A guy I had an on and off fling with. Purely physical no relationship. He would piss me off time to time and I would delete his number.
He offered to help. I believe purely for the sex factor. I was shocked with his offer and put in some real world scenario. Then I realized having a baby with this man could lead to major problems. He wants to be a daddy. Which I can understand being 41 with no children. With my plans to move to Boston, I don’t want any drama. He asked if my child was a teenager and wanted to come live with him what would I say. I wanted to say Fuck NO!! Then I realized this isn’t going to work out.
I went back to the guy on the website. Still unsure about him. We met this past weekend. Everything went well. He has no interest in being a dad. He fathered another child while helping another woman. I will see his STD screening. It is two months old. With me being me I wanted a current HIV test. So we are going to get one for free this weekend. Then full steam ahead.
I am praying pregnancy comes quickly. I hope this answers all questions asked. Any more questions feel free to leave a comment.
My beta went to a 3. Clearly not pregnant. This is new-found devastation I haven’t experienced before. I also had to report my finding to many people hoping a praying for a positive result.
She said she doesn’t know if was pregnant or it was the trigger shot. I doubt it was the trigger shot. I was pregnant for a few days. WOW this is so hard. I want to scream, cry, just have a moment. Well I am at work and can’t leave.
I have made some decisions and started getting ready for Thursday. Yes Thursday is when I start this again. I called in my prescription for Letrozole. I picked out a new sperm donor. My two major components past pregnancies and CMV negative.
I am planning my melt down for after five pm. I know how the hell can you do that. I don’t know I am working on it minute by minute. I am trying not to cry in this office. I don’t know if I can stop if I start.
I am feeling like such a loser. I know I am not. But can’t help the feelings. NO man, No marriage, No kids. Not in a good place. I need to have a moment. I can’t wait until five pm. I am running out of here. I am going to try to make it home and get my moment.
This is a new type of torture I am not used to. I need to look on the positives. I will do that tomorrow. I need a moment. I don’t need to feel bad because other people have cancer blah, blah. I need my moment. I don’t want to talk to many people. I don’t want to explain anything. I had so many people in my corner they are waiting for good news. I don’t think I will be returning calls for a while. I need my moment. I don’t want to hear any rationals of this and how I should feel blah blah. I need a DAMN MOMENT!!!!
I have issues. I know I was not supposed to pee on a stick. I heard when the doctor told me not to. Did I listen. Of course not. I have taken three home pregnancy test. I have gotten a negative each time. The last being this morning. My sad face went to work. My blood test is tomorrow. I know that will tell me the real deal. She also said the trigger shot would give me a false positive. It did not I got a negative.
I don’t want to spend anymore money. I have everyone I can think of praying for me. I want it to happen so bad. I know I been having symptoms. If I am not pregnant I have no idea why my body is acting in such a way. I have been having these little pains in my belly area. My nipples have been so hard at times they can cut glass. My boobs have been very sensitive. I finally get to the two-week wait, and I am not doing well. I want to know the answer on Friday. Then I don’t want to know if it is a negative.
Here is where I have to be a big girl again. Being a grown up sucks!!!
Still in the two week wait. My friend asked me about my phantom symptoms If I am not pregnant I would be shocked. Not just because I want it so bad. My boobs have been tingling. I felt something in my lower region. Not what I would call menstrual pains. I am not a doctor.
I know I need to stay offline. Every symptom I am looking on-line to see if it is an early sign of pregnancy. I driving myself crazy. My father and I finally had a great discussion concerning me having babies. He admitted he told his friends I was trying to get pregnant. He is not allowed to say anything to the family. I am not really close to his side. I have one cousin I talk to. I already told her my plan. I don’t care if they know, but they don’t need to know.
My father telling his friends was the first glimpse that he has been hearing what I been saying. I had a feeling he was ignoring me.
I joined my food program again. My sponcer called me last night. We had a long talk and, I been fat and miserable. So when I get the news I want on Friday we will adjust my food plan for pregnancy.