Always Something!

My skin looks terrible  All I want to say is WTF?? I started getting this adult acne. Which I think had to do with that DHEA I was taking for egg quality. Now I am starting to get darker skin around my lips. I just noticed it. The work bathroom with those damn fluorescent lights.

I am so focused on having a child do I really care about my skin. It is more of a pain in the ass than anything else. I didn’t have perfect skin to begin with. Now it is looking straight horrible  I have to admit it is bugging me. I stop wearing make up to work. I kept getting face make up on my papers. Which I found very embarrassing  I went to a dermatologist several months ago. He said it was adult acne for my forty dollar co-pay. He did give me some high octane skin dye. To get rid of the dark marks.  I have been using my cheap skin dye. He said the high octane stuff can make the other  parts of my skin light also. I didn’t want to do that. I might have to find a different doctor.

On the dating front, this guy online is annoying me. Yes I love attention, but I hate when someone likes me for no reason. Other than a pictures. This guy I talked to three months ago has popped up again. He is so, so interested in me. My question is why. We talked for ten minutes  you said you would call back and never did. I wasn’t that impressed by the conversation so my feelings were not hurt in the lest. He says he didn’t call back because I was moving. Now that I am not moving we can start over. Wait did I agree to press the restart button? Sounds like I am supposed to fall all over myself because he is interested all of a sudden.

Well I am not interested so that is that. I have so much on my plate, New job, baby making and this damn skin on my face. A man who comes into my life at this point has to be out of this world. Not I saw your picture want to bleep you. So let’s get to know each other conversation not required. I started using my block button on the website.

It seems to much to ask to talk to someone these days. Oh well, I am not really pressed about it. I guess it is fun to report the foolishness on my blog. I am not a man hater. I do believe there are great men out there. It is easy to find someone you attracted to.

I feel everyone has their brand of crazy. Their idiosyncrasies  that make them who they are. I need someone willing to deal with my brand of crazy. Also am I will to deal with theirs? Then I know I found a match!!!

 

LIMBO

English: Limbo, near Honeygeo

I don’t know what my future holds. They haven’t said anything else about the promotion as of yet. So that is on hold. Which puts baby making on hold. I been tracking my ovulation over the past few months. I should have gotten the double line today. I did not. I don’t need any more problems. I am hoping the double line shows up tomorrow.

I received a Christmas gift from my mom. It was nice to have a box to open. I guess I could have waited but I didn’t. So sweet of her. We are not really a Holiday family. Everyone asks why I don’t go home for the Holidays. First off it is cold. Second my mother has never been big on the Holidays.

I need to bring my ass home. I haven’t been home in almost two years. That was for a funereal.  I wasn’t in a rush to visit because I thought I would be living there permanently in a few months. If this promotion comes through and I take it I will have to plan a visit home.

I picked my top three choices of sperm donors. I saw on a website where a woman had a donor party. She posted the top three choices and let people put them in the order they would choose. I thought that was cute and emailed my friends and family the profile information to see what order they would pick. It went pretty well until one friend told me she wouldn’t use two of them at all. Which is fine I didn’t mind her opinion. But it sounded like she expected me to drop them from my choices based on her opinion. Ahh NO!! I know more about these men than any man I have ever slept with. One friend made me laugh. She said damn I wish he could be the father of my child.

I made my choices I was sharing. I guess I could have kept it to myself. Other than that one person I enjoyed what others had to say.

I choose based on intelligence, weight, essay, eye color. I was content with my choices. One of my donors doesn’t even have a picture. Some think that is strange but to me it wasn’t a big deal. Does a baby picture really tell you what they are going to look like as adults.

I have seen very cute kids turn into not so attractive adults. So it wasn’t a major thing for me.

I started online dating again. Well I guess I never stopped. I just put the location back to Georgia. I got a lot of emails. Seems like I am fresh meat LOL!! I am not looking for a relationship. Male company would be nice. I have my plans and I am moving forward. No interruptions !! It is all stemming on this job. If that doesn’t work out back to plan A and I am leaving the south for good.

Boring Sunday!!

I am home on a Sunday afternoon. I am doing absolutely nothing. I need to get a hobby. My roommates are at church. My roommate mom is upstairs. I am down in the living room watching a corny romantic comedy that I have seen before. The dogs are enjoying my company. Lucky them!!

I changed my profile back to Georgia. I might be optimistic. They haven’t offered me the job. Well corrections they have offered me the job they haven’t met my salary terms. I am not excited for a promotions or the extra responsibilities. I am looking forward to ttc with less financial stress.

I have to say I am a little disappointed that my move is delayed. I was looking forward to going back to Boston. Get back in with family and friends I left. I wasn’t looking forward to the cold and snow at all. New experiences was on my agenda of excitement. I guess I have to make that happen here. There has been some stress where I am living. I am not going to go into that in this blog. I am hoping it calms down and there is more peace.

With this  job comes a comfort level at the job. I know the politics and how the place works.  I wouldn’t be the new person having morning sickness and needing days off.

I started acupuncture again. I went on Friday. I told her I was beginning my fertility treatments soon. I was relaxed after the treatment. I actually felt my ovaries pounding. Hopefully they are getting prepared for baby making. I couldn’t have planned all this in my life. The twist and turns is not predictable at all. I am praying I get the job with the salary I want, and get pregnant quickly.

Not feeling great!!

 

positive pregnancy test

positive pregnancy test (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

A SMC  friend got a positive pregnancy test. I am so happy for her. She has had such a difficult time. She needed some good news. It will be confirmed next week.

 

I feel fat, alone and pitiful  My mom is always screaming you are blessed. Yes I am. I know I am. But my constant answer is I am human. I have not been the most positive person. If anything most of my life I have been a very negative person.  I am trying to stay positive but it is hard. Things are going my way in a big way. No more house to deal with. Do I miss it. HELL NO!!! I am glad to be out of it. A friend of a friend asked for my Realtor information. She wants to do the same thing. I feel the biggest monkey has been lifted from my back.

 

The guy I didn’t sleep with. That was the best decision I made in a long time. I have called him we have chatted but that was about it. The interest was clearly lost on his side. Not unusually for me to meet another loser. No biggie!! I am so no phased by men who are jerks. I think I will be knocked off my chair to find someone caring, generous and the big one honest!!!

 

I am ready to move. I mentally ready to take Boston by storm. I am not financially ready. A recruiter called me for a job yesterday. I had to let him know I wasn’t interested. I am out of this state shortly.

 

My roommate said she is going to save a room for me if it doesn’t work out in Boston. That is one of my biggest fears. The aspect of it not working out. But I am an adult. I can find an apartment and live on my own again. I have options. They would be expensive options.

 

Even if I want to leave Boston I doubt I am will be going back to GA. I was thinking the DC area. I have family there. I don’t want to be isolated from family again. I have a cousin that moved back to GA. She lives so damn far away. We have only seen each other a few times in about four months.

 

My mind is all over the place. I want some thing in my life to be easy. I feel like I have always had it the hard way. Can I get a little easy!!!

 

Sex and Power!!

The moment I have sex with someone I give them power. Sometimes it doesn’t bother me. Other times it creates emotional and mental chaos  I had my little escapade in my car. The kissing and touching and heavy petting. Well I had to put the ca bosh on what was clearly going to come next. I took a major rain-check on going to Mr. Man house and watching a movie.

Clearly the gate way to be butt naked doing the dance to give a way my power. This man was honest he has absolutely no time for me. Did he say that no. He said he can make time. Yeah right !!! I heard his schedule and it sounds like there would be no time to make. Plus the moment a man get some sex then the tables turn. You see what they are really about. At your expense. I have no intention of giving this man this power. I have no time in my life to figure out if he is an asshole. Do I want him physically?  Oh yes I do!!

I also am not the best judge in this area. My body tells me something totally different from my mind. So I took my damn self to see the Avengers at the two dollar theater  Now that he knows he is not getting the goods we will see if he keeps in touch. Since I didn’t give him my power and he doesn’t keep in touch. I can let that go a whole lot quicker. It would be clear that his interest was a sexual one and not friends. Yes the man did use the word friends.

We will see if he stands by that  since I have no interest in going to his house. I also am sick of this house dating crap. Take me out. It can be a walk , it can be for coffee. It doesn’t have to always have to be at someones house.

Since I now live with roommates my house is off-limits anyways. I am changing my whole approach and perspective. Is sex worth the danger it can bring to me. I would say no. Women know the deal. You sleep with the ones you don’t want and don’t sleep with the ones you do. I wish it didn’t have to be this way.

After being put through the ringer by many males I finally learned a few lessons. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Now I am changing lanes and doing a double take before I take any leap.

I was at lunch and my girl said do you want to F^@&@ him. I said no. Then don’t go to his house. That is pretty much cut and dry. My mind would tell me it is the total wrong thing to do. Where as my body would totally win over. So I am planning not to fail!!!

I took a chance!

I got myself prepared. I picked up the phone and dialed the number I paid for to find my long-lost crush.

Disconnected!!! Oh damn all that build up for nothing. I do have an address. I think I am going to leave it there. I guess it wasn’t meant to be. I tried Facebook I paid for his information. It was 1996 when I met this man. I gave it the good old college try. Such a disappointment.

I am sure I will check Facebook every now and again.  Everyone keeps asking when will I be moving to Boston. Well men online are asking. I changed my location on my personal ads. I have to say I have absolutely no idea. I am waiting for a response from the bank. I will be moving in with a friend to save money then I am out.

I won on a scratch ticket again. I am waiting until Monday evening to find out how much. My usual time is Sunday. But we have Monday off for memorial day. My day to see what I won is before the work week begins. I would go to work with a whole different attitude if I knew I was sitting on a pile of money.

A guy who went to Harvard medical school sent me an email. I thought wow interesting. He didn’t have a picture and wanted to email it to me. I thought oh lawd this doesn’t sound good. I went along and he was handsome. Not drop dead but decent.

I do not believe everything I read especially when it comes from some man I don’t know online. So until proven I will go with he went to Harvard Medical school. He said he is not a doctor but a scientist. interesting  I thought to myself. Then I asked him where he was from. South Africa came out and I know this wrong but I thought here we go a scam. You know the I am stuck in Africa can you send me some money.

Thank god I was wrong and he didn’t do that. He talked about Boston a little and gave me his number today. I will call him later today and see if we have a vibe. I always have something going on!!!

Dating slump!

Dr. Slump

Dr. Slump (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I haven’t been on a date since I broke up with asshole. Yes that is his new name. He contacts me randomly which pisses me off. I told him this last time I don’t want to keep in contact with him. We will see if he call again. Knowing him he will. Then doctor dude disappeared.

I have to admit I haven’t really persuade a date. I have mixed feelings about meeting anyone in GA. I don’t want anything to spark feelings when I am trying to move 18 hours away driving. Then I have my personal ads changed to MA. I get a lot of message saying contact me when you get here. I do understand why they don’t want to be bothered with a non-resident.

It puts me in limbo. I haven’t flirted with anyone in a long time. I miss flirting!!! I miss the human touch also. That is an entirely different problem.

I am ready to go. I don’t have my duck in a row at all. The short sale paper work hasn’t even been approved yet. I am in the beginning stages of this process and it really sucks.

I also have been Facebook stalking a few people. I know I should be ashamed. My noiseness got the best of me. These are people I don’t even know that well. One person I was waiting for her wedding pictures. I have to say I loved her dress. I am not even into weddings.

Who is this person?. I am starting not to recognize myself. I have never been into wedding or stalking people on Facebook. I barely go on Facebook.  Something is going on with me and I want it to stop. I want the old me back!! Where is she???

I was talking to a SMC friend and we decided full steam  ahead with baby plans. No man has shown up to change the plans for her. I am in the same boat.  I would have to say I have been living a very singleton life. The dog and I hang out most of the time.

On a good note my back is starting to feel better. Not totally 100%, but at least I can get out of chair and not scream.

Rock in the hard place!

Between a Rock and a Hard Place (book)

Between a Rock and a Hard Place (book) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The thought of moving home has given me some anxeity. I haven’t lived in Boston in almost 12 years.

I also have other issues I forgot about. A friend of mine has made friends with my enemy. I guess enemy is to strong of a word. I don’t know this woman. She doesn’t like me so I guess I am her enemy.

It all started with a male friend I had since I was 15. We were very close. Never dated. In fact I hooked him up with many of my friends which he took out on dates. As I hear a few he slept with. I never even held this man hand.

I did think he had a crush on me. I am only spekulating because we were only friends. Well three months after I moved to GA he married this woman. To make a long story longer. He never introduced me to her. We were 25 at the time. So this is a ten year friendship. I ran into them in the grocery story and she was not friendly to me at all. That is totally my perception. According to her I was the rude one. He told me after she met me, he was made aware he wasn’t allowed to have any female friends. (Ouch) All that from me saying hello.

What she doesn’t know is he remained friends with me. At least until I moved. Then we lost touch totally. Over the years I tried to contact him. To see how he was doing. I guess this was thought of as an attack against their marriage. Which I had no clue about.

So my friend was working out with this girl. They meet up with their respective spouses. Wow my male friend is this girls husband. Did I mention this friend was one of the people who went on a date with him. Yes awkward to say the least. She never slept with him thank god.

Innocently she gave me his Facebook page information. She didn’t mean any harm and could not have predict the drama that came after. Well I sent him a hello and oh lawd the shit hit the fan. The woman called my friend and read her the riot act. It took a few days but I got a kiss off in very nice words email via Facebook and blocked from his page. I had a feeling he wrote it with her standing over him!! Who knows!!

I haven’t seen this man in 12 years. It isn’t that big of a deal. At least not to me. I was just trying to see how he was doing. Like I did with many people via Facebook. He was my best male friend for 10 years. I don’t know what is going on in their marriage. I do know I have nothing to do with it.

Now I am moving home. My friend is friends with me and his wife. She doesn’t want any drama if she invites both of us to her house for any event. I do understand that. I just have no idea what to do about it. I have nothing to say to this woman.  I don’t want her husband and never did. What happened was innocent and not meant to disrupt anyone’s marriage.

I was truly looking up an old friend. My friend said we would have to work that out. Now that is unrealistic. How can I work out anything with a woman who thinks I am trying to steal her husband. Who I met one time for less than two minutes in a grocery store 12+ years ago.

I told her I won’t say anything to her. But if something goes down not by me I will not sit there and be bashed as the hard up man stealer. If I wanted him I would have made my move years ago. Any one who knows me, knows shy has never been used to describe me!!

I swear I run into drama without even trying!!!

Crazy is as Crazy does!!

As I mentioned before it is easy to meet crazy people on the internet. I have been watching too much ID discovery Stalked. When men act to damn aggressive and we barely know each other I run. Red flag, Red flag abort. Well the new guy I met online. We had two conversations. By the second conversation it was abort time.

First conversation was ok. No bells and whistles. We are both single and don’t like it blah, blah. I had the feeling he was a bit desperate. I am not into desperate men. It can lead to a lot of problems. He said he had to call me back. I told him when I was going to bed and said if he doesn’t make it to call me the next day.

Well in the morning I got a I am sorry I didn’t call got in late. That was fine no biggie. Then during the day I get about five more random text messages. He got one response early in the morning. First of all I am not a texter. My cell is in my purse in the drawer of my desk. I have no idea when it is going off usually. I don’t text at work often. Especially since it takes me forever to type anything.

Well by his third text with no response the desperation started to show. He didn’t want to be a pest. He knows I am ok.

I am thinking dude really. We talked once. Well my cell phone battery isn’t worth crap. When I got home from work I put it on the charger up stairs and played my Sims 3 for hours. About 12am I looked at it and saw his messages. Did I mention I got a you must be busy goodnight text.

I text him sorry phone was on the charger goodnight. I was headed to bed. He text back I am still up. All this texting made me nervous. What is up with this crazy person.

So the next day I still get these random text which I did not respond. Then he calls in the evening. I was not in the best mood. There was a big lay off at my job. Thank god I am still employed. I have to say I was a little jealous of the women who had husband with jobs who were laid off. As we know I don’t have one of those. Needless to say I was spared thank god because I need my job.

Well he try to mirror my tone that something was wrong. I said what is wrong with you. He said I am trying to be supportive. I swear I thought what the hell is the twilight zone. I got off the phone with him saying I was just not in a good mood. Then the texting started coming. I hope you are okay, I feel like you are blowing me off, Pray about it and let me know what you want to do.

That was it. No doubts this fool is crazy. I had to let him know I wasn’t feeling his stalker nature. I talked to you once in two days. What the hell is your problem. He wanted to explain. I said not thanks I am good this is not going to work.

I dodged a bullet with that crazy. I told Doctor Dude. He seemed a bit jealous that I was talking to other men. What the hell am I supposed to do wait on him. Ah hell no. I haven’t even met the man. He did agree dude was crazy. Thank god I have radar and figured this out before there was ever a meet and great. I hope he got the message and never contacts me again. He is crazy he might try!!!

TGIF

Thank God It's Friday

I am so happy it is Friday. I have absolutly nothing planned but regular errands. I sometimes think how my life would change with children. Especially having them alone. Would I be up for the challenge?  Will I be able to find a village? I can be a loner, I will have to break that character flaw.

Doctor dude and I have not been connecting lately. He said he cell phone was down last weekend. Since that break in communication I see a lack luster from him.

I am not crying over it. He was my fantasy dude. Until he makes himself a reality I just used him to fantasize about.

Sitting on sperm bank website so much can’t be healthy! I found myself there a few times this week. All I need is the cash and I am ready to make a purchase.

On the online dating front. A few interesting characters. Nothing to move my mind over. Online dating has so many ups and downs. I am at a down moment.  There are random times I am going on date after date. What I hate is the recycled guys.

Yes I have been online dating entirely to long. With the time I spent out there I run into some of the same guys over and over. So this loser contacted me again. He is beyond arrogant. Which is easy to spot with the hundred of pictures he has of himself on a dating site.  We had talked once a year ago. He wanted to let me know I was attractive and tall like him and we would look good together. Really I thought, that is his recipe for a relationship.

I have no time for men who are full of them selves. I been there done that got the tee shirt. So his note this time stated well I am  still on here give him a chance. I told him no I am good. I will stay on a dating site forever plus ten years before I go on a date with this man.

I am single and alone but not desperate. I don’t need a man like that. He has no idea I think he is a big ass. No need to argue with a stranger. He can live his life and I can live mine. Hopefully I won’t get anymore emails from him. I appreciate he finds me attractive but I need a lot more than that. How about talking to me longer then ten minutes!!