I needed ink for my printer. I purchased this wireless printer which I love. I bought the black ink from Micro-center. Which wasn’t cheap. I decided to hit eBay and find ink at a cheaper price. I looked at the description it said new. I guess I was naive. With the move and everything else going on, I just replaced the ink. I was shocked when the printer shot me an error Counterfeit ink. WTF!!! really. Granted the boxes did not have the company name on it. I thought it was new until I opened it.
Of course I figured a way around the error message. It took me a good half an hour. I was not going to wast the 50 bucks I spent on all the counterfeit ink. That was made in China. I bought the damn printer I should be able to put what ever ink I want to in the damn thing. It also had some error about refilled ink. Just like corporate America don’t want you to be frugal. Sometimes buying the ink is more than the printers. I needed to print something, so I didn’t rest until I figured out a way to say screw you error message.
Ava room still has a bunch of crap in it. In my defense she is a handful when she is awake. Also I sleep when she sleeps. I should get over that now since she sleeps all night now. I am addicted to naps. There is a window pain that is out of one of her windows. She will not be in that room until she is at least six months old. She is almost 3 months. I have no idea where the time goes. I want to buy her a dresser of her own. Her stuff is all over the place also. My unemployment still has not kicked in. I have no idea what is taking so damn long. No point in complaining, they seem to move slower when you do that. I called when they said they would have a decision. Then I was informed it will be sometime this week. What is the decision, my place of employment said they will not reject unemployment. What more do you have to do.
My food was great today. I am 238 pounds. My goal is 160, then it will be on and popin. Did I mention my High School crush kind of asked me on a date on Facebook. Well I am not going to give an answer until I can fit in my cute clothes. 80 pounds are not going to fall off in a week.
I really need to set a schedule of what I am going to do with my days. So I don’t look back and think all I did was waist me time while I was home.
I couldn’t wait until five pm today. I was so mentally done with work. I have been eating again. I swear I need to stop. I been feeling twinges and my nipples have been hard. I don’t want to get to excited.
I do have a date with someone I met online. Something doesn’t feel right about this guy. We will see how it goes. I am not optimistic. I have been looking online for a sensitive pregnancy test. I know I should wait but patience is not my biggest strong suit. The work week has been stressful because I been disinterested in work.
I cried to a friend about my desire for babies. I feel so cursed sometimes. I know it irrational and I am very blessed. I want this more than anything I ever wanted in my life. I took a deep tour through my life. I haven’t had a desire and want so deep. It is hard to explain the need for motherhood. The switched was flipped and I am ready to open that door.
I am going to work on being positive and stop all my negative behaviors.
The waiting games begins again. It will be longer than the two week wait. I don’t have a doctor dishing out papers to have a blood test. I could pay for a blood test out of my pocket. I doubt I am going to do that. I am going to wait until my period shows up. Or not which I hope.
I realized my negativity has risen to new heights. I swear I expected my donor to be the usual type of assholes I meet. Granted he is not Mr. Communication. He has done everything he said he would do.
He is an all around nice guy, as far as I can tell. Granted I would never have dated him. Yes I did think about this. Would this be a man I could date. I like communication. I learned a long time ago, I can not be with a quiet man.
I went to the new GYNO. She won’t give me the Clomid. She did make a good point that she doesn’t think I need it. She wants me to take the Clomid challenge test. She likes that test better than the AMH.
To see if I really have bad egg quality. I am torn do I want to take this test or not. Yes it is more information. Do I need that information is the question. Will it make a difference in my process. I doubt it. Until I can get to MASS and get some health insurance coverage for fertility. I won’t make one bit of difference.
I would like to know if my egg quality is bad. Some good news would put a smile on my face. Even with that information they do not guarantee you pregnancy. There are no guarantee with anything in life. This process has surely taught me that.
My reason to seek a known donor was purely financial. I went to the known donor registry website. I found a guy, and we connected for him to be my baby daddy. Then I was skeptical about that so I started looking through my cell phone to find someone else. One possible taker for sperm donation via cell phone contacts. A guy I had an on and off fling with. Purely physical no relationship. He would piss me off time to time and I would delete his number.
He offered to help. I believe purely for the sex factor. I was shocked with his offer and put in some real world scenario. Then I realized having a baby with this man could lead to major problems. He wants to be a daddy. Which I can understand being 41 with no children. With my plans to move to Boston, I don’t want any drama. He asked if my child was a teenager and wanted to come live with him what would I say. I wanted to say Fuck NO!! Then I realized this isn’t going to work out.
I went back to the guy on the website. Still unsure about him. We met this past weekend. Everything went well. He has no interest in being a dad. He fathered another child while helping another woman. I will see his STD screening. It is two months old. With me being me I wanted a current HIV test. So we are going to get one for free this weekend. Then full steam ahead.
I am praying pregnancy comes quickly. I hope this answers all questions asked. Any more questions feel free to leave a comment.
Donor picked FINALLY!!!. I am glad I have a few people in my corner to discuss these things.
My cousin was very blunt about not using the donor who wants to be a father. It is easy to say what you will do when the child is not here yet. He could totally flip the script once everything is sad and done. Then I am stuck in a drama situation. That is not the move for me.
I don’t even have to keep in touch with the other guy after I am pregnant. He is just helping me out and that is it.
I am sure my mind can change as much as it needs to. Right now I have the donor picked. I am optimistic. More optimistic than doing my IUI‘s. I know this could possibly not work. I feel it has a great chance of working. Even more than the 10% chance the doctor gave me with frozen sperm.
The first attempt will be this month. I am working on getting the clomid. Who knows I am taking the soy isoflavone this month.
Thank you to all lesbian on YouTube. When I looked up insemination it was a lot of lesbian couples on YouTube discussing it. Many did insemination with a known donor. I appreciate anyone who has walked in my shoes before. I don’t have to reinvent the wheel.
My beta went to a 3. Clearly not pregnant. This is new-found devastation I haven’t experienced before. I also had to report my finding to many people hoping a praying for a positive result.
She said she doesn’t know if was pregnant or it was the trigger shot. I doubt it was the trigger shot. I was pregnant for a few days. WOW this is so hard. I want to scream, cry, just have a moment. Well I am at work and can’t leave.
I have made some decisions and started getting ready for Thursday. Yes Thursday is when I start this again. I called in my prescription for Letrozole. I picked out a new sperm donor. My two major components past pregnancies and CMV negative.
I am planning my melt down for after five pm. I know how the hell can you do that. I don’t know I am working on it minute by minute. I am trying not to cry in this office. I don’t know if I can stop if I start.
I am feeling like such a loser. I know I am not. But can’t help the feelings. NO man, No marriage, No kids. Not in a good place. I need to have a moment. I can’t wait until five pm. I am running out of here. I am going to try to make it home and get my moment.
This is a new type of torture I am not used to. I need to look on the positives. I will do that tomorrow. I need a moment. I don’t need to feel bad because other people have cancer blah, blah. I need my moment. I don’t want to talk to many people. I don’t want to explain anything. I had so many people in my corner they are waiting for good news. I don’t think I will be returning calls for a while. I need my moment. I don’t want to hear any rationals of this and how I should feel blah blah. I need a DAMN MOMENT!!!!
I know my blood test is today. I still have the band-aid on. Last night I went crazy. I was pretty calm during the two week wait. Well that all fell apart last night. I had a first response in my house. I had this test for a long time, not sure why. I took it and got a faint double line. I would post it but I couldn’t get the picture to come out. Then I immediately went online. Found a site that stated any line is a positive. Or it could be to early or the test expired. I looked at the back of the box 2/2013. Now my face was hitting the floor. I put on some sweats and a tee shirt and was off to Walmart. It was 9pm and I didn’t care. I ended up buying four test. Clearly I didn’t do any research. One negative from EPT. Come to find out isn’t that sensitive. Another faint line First response.
Then the site mentioned taking them again on the first morning urine. I did and of course it wouldn’t be my life if anything was easy. The line was even fainter. I don’t even know if fainter is a word. But I am sure you understand what I am trying to say.
Then after some research I found out the dollar tree test is very sensitive. I spent all this damn money and could have gotten a test for dollar. I was feeling very stupid at that point. Thought Dollar Tree was not open during my moment of craziness.
I went to take my blood test this morning. They said I will know in a day or two. Or they freaking mad. I will be dying in two days. I am barely making it now. So of course I went to Dollar Tree on my lunch break. I got three test, because one was just not enough.
I am going to take them when I get home. God please make this happen!!!
I have issues. I know I was not supposed to pee on a stick. I heard when the doctor told me not to. Did I listen. Of course not. I have taken three home pregnancy test. I have gotten a negative each time. The last being this morning. My sad face went to work. My blood test is tomorrow. I know that will tell me the real deal. She also said the trigger shot would give me a false positive. It did not I got a negative.
I don’t want to spend anymore money. I have everyone I can think of praying for me. I want it to happen so bad. I know I been having symptoms. If I am not pregnant I have no idea why my body is acting in such a way. I have been having these little pains in my belly area. My nipples have been so hard at times they can cut glass. My boobs have been very sensitive. I finally get to the two-week wait, and I am not doing well. I want to know the answer on Friday. Then I don’t want to know if it is a negative.
Here is where I have to be a big girl again. Being a grown up sucks!!!
Still in the two week wait. My friend asked me about my phantom symptoms If I am not pregnant I would be shocked. Not just because I want it so bad. My boobs have been tingling. I felt something in my lower region. Not what I would call menstrual pains. I am not a doctor.
I know I need to stay offline. Every symptom I am looking on-line to see if it is an early sign of pregnancy. I driving myself crazy. My father and I finally had a great discussion concerning me having babies. He admitted he told his friends I was trying to get pregnant. He is not allowed to say anything to the family. I am not really close to his side. I have one cousin I talk to. I already told her my plan. I don’t care if they know, but they don’t need to know.
My father telling his friends was the first glimpse that he has been hearing what I been saying. I had a feeling he was ignoring me.
I joined my food program again. My sponcer called me last night. We had a long talk and, I been fat and miserable. So when I get the news I want on Friday we will adjust my food plan for pregnancy.
Second insemination went smoothly. Five follicles have released I was laying there thinking HELL YES!! It sounded like good news. My doctor is very dry. She even had a great tone to her voice. She did say if this didn’t work, she wouldn’t change the protocol at all.
The social worker and I talked after my 15 min of laying there. I told her I was excited by the number of follicles. She said it is a good sign. How good are they and will they create a baby is the big question.
The cervical cap came out easily last night. She placed another one in today. I wanted to go to my acupuncturist today. I will be there tomorrow. The last time I was there she said they got robbed. When she left late at night. So I decided against going because I wouldn’t get there until late. I don’t want to put myself or my acupuncturist in danger. Her husband is out of the country for a while.
The social worker said try not to worry about it. If I can pull that off I need to write a book. I am going to assume right at this moment I am pregnant with my twin girls. Here is to the Law of Attraction!!!