Potty Training!!

They started potty training Ava at school. She is killing it. She is doing so well it is crazy. They are going to turn it over to me once they get her to request to go. She did have a bad rash. I talked to the therapist about it. They said it could come from sitting on the toilet so much.

I know they aren’t doing much but potty training. I want to keep her learning, but I want this child potty trained also. I am so tired of changing shitty diapers. The struggle is real. I am thankful that they are going to give me the handoff once she can request. I told them I don’t speak nonverbal. Also, they are watching her all day. One on one therapy. I am usually doing my own thing at home. She is in the living room with all her toys. Her tablet and whatever I can figure out that she likes on the TV. When she wants to cuddle she comes find me and sits on my lap. I make sure she eats and stays hydrated. Other than that I can’t watch Barney and Super Why all day. I would want to kill myself.

So she has officially taken over the living room. She also likes to reorganize things in the refrigerator. We can find the contents placed all over the house.


Edaville Railroad

IMG_0162 We went to a little kids amusement park. She had a great time. In the picture, she has her chewy necklace. Which she has been using like a champ these days. I hated her licking random shit. It was driving me insane. The school has helped her use the proper things to chew on. I realized I hate amusement parks. I am the lame parent. These were not big rides but they were making me dizzy. I love the rides I could put her on by herself, or with the other little girl who came with us.

I love having a little autism team for venturing out. My friend and her daughter also had a good time at the park.  So now we are going to be home a few Saturdays. I did my part this summer. I really want to get her into a Saturday activity. I am thinking swimming. I still haven’t gotten a bill from the autism center. So I am waiting to see that before I make any financial commitments.

All in all the day was a success. Not something I want to do often, but she enjoyed it and that is all I needed!!!

Summer activities!!

We did not sit in the house this summer. Thank god!! I would have felt like the horrible mother. Which I do from time to time regardless of our activities.

She is actually not supposed to be sitting in that thing. She was having a great time and I didn’t have to chase her. So I let her sit there until we got kicked out. We went to an indoor water park for a child birthday that goes to her school. When I say she loved it is a total understatement. When it was time to go to the party. Ava fell out. It was the biggest tantrum she has ever had. Screaming, crying, wailing.

Old school mommy wanted to take her out. It is so hard for me to figure out what she likes. It is hard to reason with a child that doesn’t talk. We went to the party. I had to carry her screaming ass the whole time. She is 40 pounds. The mother who invited us felt pity and said I understand you don’t have to come to the party part. Go back to the water.

I was a little embarrassed, but shit what could I do. I brought her back to the water. She didn’t know that is what we were about to do. So she laid on the ground kicked and screamed. I sat there and watched her. We eventually ended up back in the water and she was happy again.

When it was time to leave she didn’t give me much hassle. It is hard to get dressed and then get her dressed. Especially because she is a wanderer. We were in a stall and I felt so tired by the day and handling my child.

When we got home, I wouldn’t give her a yogurt and she laid on the floor and kicked and screamed. I stated to her firmly, I said no and I stepped over her ass and walked out the room. Yes, you embarrassed me in public and I was trying to get a handle on the situation. We are home now and I don’t give a shit. We are not starting this precedent that you get what you want because you kick and scream. I told her therapist at school what happened. He agreed don’t just give in because you will never get the bullshit to stop.

Another diagnosis

Childhood speech Apraxia

Ava speech therapist at the autism center says she has Apraxia. I don’t know how I feel about it. I am happy if this diagnosis will get my baby to talk. To learn that my baby brain is not working correctly for her to talk is heartbreaking. I wanted some good news. I am not sure if they are good. I asked her if she has seen 3-year-olds talk and catch up with this Apraxia. She said she has. So I am keeping hope alive.

Praying hard to finally hear the words mommy on a regular basis. She has only been in the autism center for two months. It seems that she is doing well. I want things to go faster, but it seems to be going on her own terms.

I have to be patient and let the process work. I am advocating on every front. The OT wants her to get a feeding evaluation at children’s hospital. My baby has a lot of issues. From muscle tone, speech, sensory, feeding. I wish we could catch a break some damn where. I know things could be worse. I am just in my why my brain tonight. Hopefully, it will change tomorrow.

Saturday Bust

I had plans to go to my fathers. He wanted to see Ava. It has been awhile since we have been over there. I was going to take a few hours and go shopping for myself. Something I don’t do often for any reason. First I hate shopping. Second Ava is not easy to go shopping with. She is all over the place when we are out. I can not take a minute and try on shoes if she is on the lose. I was going to take time and do a few things for myself. Well, Friday night thank god I took a shower and gave Ava a bath. Our water heater broke. Almost flooded the basement. Thank god my mother saw it before the water did damage. So we have no hot water. We called the plumber (ex-boyfriend). Of course, his ass is in Jamaica. He did contact us back. He will be there until next weekend.

I was thinking what the hell!!! His brother is supposed to put it in today. He had to get to the plumbing supply place before noon and is closed. Well, I found out he did pick up the water heater. He has yet to make it to my house. It is almost 2:30pm. Clearly, we aren’t going anywhere today. Ava is all over the place. The days of her sitting in the living room with all her toys are over. She has to be all over the house causing problems.

I am annoyed that my day is pretty much sitting in the house waiting for this guy to show up. On any other random Saturday, it wouldn’t really make a difference because I don’t do much. The day I have plans this happens. Not shocking it really my luck. I feel bad complaining because all of Puerto Rico doesn’t have power. So my bullshit problem is clearly bullshit.

When your FAITH is decreasing!!!

My faith uses to be indestructible. Lately, it has dwindled so much. I know people say you can have faith as little as a mustard seed and god will do the rest. I lived in the bible belt for 15 years. So I stole that saying.

I have lived my life not religious but very spiritual and having a whole lot of faith. All in all, I have had a very blessed life. I am still having a hard time with Ava autism. Not the fact that she has autism. I pretty much accepted that and I do everything to advocate for her. The unknown has been keeping me up at night. I am shedding a lot of tears and having a lot of anxiety about my daughter future. The reason is no one knows anything. They can’t predict the future and they refuse to try.

I have no idea what I am dealing with long-term and it scares the shit out of me. Will I have a child that will need constant care? Or will she get over the hump and strive beyond her peers. I love this little girl, but I feel so guilty on many levels that this is my fault. I know it isn’t rationale but shit none of these thoughts are rational. If I had some faith I would take all this one day at a time and have faith. That is how I lived my life for many many years. Now it is a struggle.

I want to go to church. I am still not a religious person, but I need a weekly uplifting. I was told about a church that has a daycare that accepts autistic children. Which is another battle? I was sexually assaulted by a family member. I have a fear of leaving my child with anyone. Putting her on that transportation took a lot out of me. So the church daycare would be another struggle for me. I need something to get me out of my feelings of defeat.

The worst day!!

Ava was put on the transportation by my mom. I am usually at work already taking a nap in my office parking lot. I know it sounds crazy, but my job has a parking space issues. I have anxiety issues that flare up when I am pressured in looking for a place to park. Especially when I am under pressure to get somewhere on time. Such as a job or a job interview. To not have an anxiety attack I tend to get places early.

I don’t actually enter my job until the time work starts. I don’t have a key to get in and I don’t have to work overtime at this job. So my mom usually calls if the transportation is late. She wants me to call and see where they are at. Or she calls when Ava is off to school. Then the Autism center is instructed to send my mother and I a text saying Ava got there. Well, my mom called me back after she said Ava was off. I said whats up, annoyed because she was interrupting my nap.

She state Ava threw up on the bus and they are bringing her back and hung up the phone. I know two other children that were throwing up last week at the Autism Center. I was hoping this illness skipped Ava no luck there.

I called my mom later and they said throw up was everywhere. They didn’t take her out the car seat. When my mother came outside they sat her on the sidewalk car seat and all. My mother said the throw up was everywhere. The driver was acting like he was going to be next tossing his cookies.

My mother hasn’t had to deal with Ava for a whole day in a long while. So Ava was driving her crazy because she was getting into everything. I called the transportation and told them she wouldn’t be back to school until Monday. Since she got sick on Thursday, give her a few days to make sure she is alright.

So after that morning drama. I have to work late on Thursday. On my way home I was rear-ended by an older man on the highway. So I ended up getting home two hours later than usual. It was a horrible day and my car is some bullshit I didn’t need. Thank god I didn’t get hurt. #REALLIFE

More Test!!

I had a meeting with the OT at Ava autism center. She is finishing her evaluation. She said Ava need a feeding evaluation. All I could think of is damn more test. I have a series of things I have going on. Ava pediatrician is leaving. I really like her. I now have to call the insurance company on this feeding evaluation.   If they cover it and, how much will I have to pay.

I also have to get the medical records for her Ears, Nose and throat test. I just found out that the man who conducted the test retired. The OT wants to see the results. When I was there the doctor said she was fine. All this feels never ending.

When the love of your life text you!!

I have been thinking about him. He has crossed my mind at least once a week maybe more. On a random Sunday, I looked at my phone. There was a text: Hello, how are you doing good I hope.

I saw this text two hours after it was sent. I never look at my phone. No one calls me, or text me like that, to keep up with my phone. I was shocked and wanted to talk to him immediately. I text him with no response due to the time of my reply I figured he was a sleep.

How does my heart still skip a beat? Just because he is thinking about me. How I still love? To this man that didn’t act right. If he asked me to marry him I would be ready to say yes?

I am not a stupid woman. I have many things that would hold me back. He asked how I was doing? He has gotten in touch with me over the years. For mere curiosity not for anything deep. So I am not going to let my mind go there. We will see if he responds. I will say I am going to bed with him on my mind.