Life Choices

Moving day is tomorrow. I don’t want to do the work but excited about having my own space.

I love my dog, but he is not coming with me. He is home. I know he will miss me and I will him. I won’t miss walking him in the cold and rain. Does that make me a bad person??? I more of a cat person. I had him for seven years. I love my five-pound pain in the ass. Now he has brother dog and seems happier. He was board and lonely when it was just him and I. Now he plays and runs and has a good time. I have to admit I do feel guilty. I am going to have to work through that.

I am starting to get bitter about a few things.

1)My weight

2) no sex life

3) Paying to have a baby and other just have sex!!

I knew I was going to go through a lot of emotions. They have always been there. They are just multiplying by the day. Every time I think about the price of having a baby, I get upset.

I have literally never tried getting pregnant. Even when I had the ex in the picture, he was never around when I was ovulating.

I could be fertile mertile for all I know. I have protected my eggs from sperm for a number years. Hindsight is a MF!! I could have tried to get knocked up years ago. I had no idea I would have been in this position.

I have to admit I still want to find an easy way. Will it happen?? I have no damn idea. I am keeping hope alive. The war is not lost until that first insemination. Which will probably be in April.

I still think about my ex. Yes the man I cursed to high hell. We talked yesterday!! I asked him why I have been obsessed with him for over 11 years? That is why I need not judge anyone. I have issues like everyone else!!!

My life Part 1

So much has gone on. My life is so random. My ex friend hasn’t called me to apologize or anything. That is why her title is ex friend. Oh well!!

I am still in limbo with the job. I have heard nothing about the promotion. I plan to ask next week about the status. Waiting a little while for budgets. I am not ready to hear bad news. I am hoping it is what I want, but you never know.

My internet dating life is getting very strange. I want an activity partner. Someone to hang with and maybe have some casual adult fun. Well this has been very hard to find. All these years I find very few men wanting a commitment. Now that I am not in the market for one that is all these fools talk about it.

I found a blast from the past online. I did not meet him originally online. I actually met him at work. He came to my office for some work to get done. Long story short he had too much drama in his life. Also he had three kids and didn’t want anymore. After I seen him online I end up on the phone with him. He stated he had five kids. I thought I didn’t hear him correctly. I asked him five kids huh??. He then went into this speech about children being a blessing. I said I thought you had two or three kids. Now I am thinking he lied all those years ago we went out. No this man has had two kids since we dated. Which was four years ago. I said WTF. I thought you didn’t want to have any more children. I was in shocked. I didn’t ask if it was by the same woman or not. I just thought you are too old for this foolishness. He has to be in his mid to forties. Now you have five kids and two under the age of 3 with  a random woman you clearly are not with. Due to the fact you are on a dating site. Then he seemed so excited to hang out with me. Oh HELL NO would be my answer!!! I will never be calling this dude back.

I also have been talking to a new guy for a few days. Last night I had a Deja vu. He said something that sounded so familiar.  I told him I had something strange to tell him. I had went on a date with him over ten years ago. I remember where he worked and the car he drove. He then remember it also. Now here is the messed up part. He was not interested in me at all back then. I remember him telling me he wasn’t and never called me back.

Isn’t that some shit!!. Then he said didn’t we fool around a little. I am thinking to myself I don’t remember that. But I can’t say it didn’t happen. I was out there in my twenties. I will have to say it makes it worse that he never called me back. He was double talking because it seemed he really wanted to date me now. I have to say I am not down with the second chances on this front.  I remember him being very cocky and adamant about me not being for him. Can I remember exactly what he said, NO. I said why would I go on a date with you to be turned down again. It was left on a very awkward note. He said I guess I have to pay for my sins 11 years later. I guess you do pal. If he didn’t leave such a bad taste in my mouth all those years ago with his action. Then I might have went on a date with him. Now he can kick rocks!!!

I am going with my first instinct. I have no interested in him. Oh well life is stranger than fiction.

 

Yesterday was different!

I think I am an attractive girl. But two men gave me a compliment yesterday. Both in gas stations. One guy stopped me and told me I was beautiful and the other guy tried to get my phone number. He wasn’t my type so my I have a boyfriend answer flew out my mouth. But damn it is nice to get some male attention.

New guy did call. I was going to call him short guy. But for this blog I am going to call him Dee. Dee actually returned my phone call. He was going to a comedy show. His birthday was the other day. Sounds like his friends are taking him out for the big 41.

I asked him to invite some guy friends to my friends birthday party on Saturday. I am looking forward to dressing up and shaking what my mama gave me!!.

I need a night of fun. I made it to 19 days of working out. I am so proud of myself. I usually flake by now. I wasn’t going to go yesterday but changed my mind out of guilt. I don’t care why I showed up but glad I did.

My SMC friend and I had a pity party yesterday of why aren’t we married and blah, blah. No need to go into it. It is nice to have someone to feel your pain.  If another married friend tells me marriage isn’t all that again I will scream my head off.

Dee has big dreams of us working out. At least that is what he told me on our date. I think I need to be more optimistic than I usually am. Who knows right!! I thought I would be married with  two kids by now.  So clearly I don’t know shit.

My sudden attention from men might be from my new makeup mission. I have always been a tom boy and never really wore makeup. Unless going out. Well I got into wearing makeup daily. I love YouTube. I found this girl who has a lot of tutorials that has hooked me up. I feel like I actually know something. With my new phone I watch a few of her tutorials  before I go to bed. It does make me feel better about myself. My skin was breaking out bad. So with the make up you can’t see it anymore. Thank god.

Check her out!!

I might have F@#! up!

Film poster for Casual Sex? - Copyright 1988, ...

Mr. Persistence showed up on my yahoo IM. I met him in 2005 via the internet. He was new to Atlanta  when we originally met and he was parting. So I didn’t want to start anything with him . I felt he would learn about the Atlanta night life and forget my name. That happens with a lot of newbies. We fooled around in 2005 nothing major. He consistently would come in my life and see how I was doing. He has always asked to hang out. We got in several arguments over the years. Presently I can’t think of what most of them were about.

The random arguments would always make me think we could never work out. I felt he was very critical of me at times. I am very sensitive about criticisms. Some time would pass and he would contact me again like nothing happened. Well fast forward seven years. He contacted me again and was flirting. We all know how I have been feeling lately. I fell in hook line and sinker. He came over and we went to a place we haven’t been in the seven years we known each other.

We talked after and I wonder where this was going. I told him about my moving plans. I guess in my fantasy I thought he was at his home just as lonely as I was. This is totally in my mind because I never asked. I just went with my feelings and my body aches. He is dating. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I had no expectation when he came in the door. Now I have expectations when he is leaving. That is why casual sex for me is not a good idea. I don’t really no what to do in this situation. He didn’t do anything wrong in this situation. I don’t want to feel bad about myself on any level.

I have expectations but I have no idea what they are. I am confused! Hopefully the fog will clear soon. I have had casual sexual relationships before. This is with men I knew I didn’t want. I can’t say that about him. That might be a problem. I new casual sex is not my thing any longer. My body doesn’t know it but I am going to have to keep the mind focus. Mr Persistence hasn’t called. Which puts him in the ass hole category in my book. Which I probably knew all along. He caught me at the right time and place. It is all about timing. Lesson learned life moves on!!

Friends with benefits! (Failed!!)

Friends (With Benefits)

No luck on this front. I want the action but don’t know how I will feel emotionally. The reasons these men are not in my life presently are good ones. So why am I trying to resurrect them. Just for a physical need. I am starting to feel this isn’t a good idea.

I ran it by BigSexy. He thinks I am hilarious. I really want a relationship. It is hard to admit. Casual sex is not going to replace anything in my world. I still have a hunger for physical contact. How do I make it go away. It would be a useful asset in a relationship. Presently it is a pain in the ass.

I have no idea what to do in this situation. I know what I want to do. I don’t think it is wise to do!! I wish I had a crystal ball to tell me what to do!!

I will pass!!

The Dating Game

Image via Wikipedia

I have internet dated for a long time. It is embarrassing to admit how long. Especially, since I do not have a magically wedding from my dating experience. I have had a few relationships and many dates. I can’t say my experience is all bad.

The problem with the internet is so many choices and options. You can meet so many people. It also increases the number of crazy folks you run across.

There are a few things on an ad or when I talk to a man from online that will make me pass on him every time. I know they have no idea they are making these mistakes. Nor should they tailor their profiles for me. It might attract someone just not me.

1) The headline or in the ad has some reference to sex

2) They have sun glasses on in every picture

3) They have a bunch of women in the picture.

4)They have a bunch of guys in your picture. I have no idea whose profile it is.

Please take time to crop people out. I would think that is a basic.

5) Their shirt is off and are posing. I am not a big fan of those pictures.

6) He has a lot pictures of himself.

7) He is rude in his profile

8) If we get past the profile and talk. Sex brought up early in any conversation

9) Talks about himself the entire time

10) All comments are based on looks. No interest in finding out about my personality.

I have come across a lot of this. I have met some very nice men. The internet is so random. There are four people at my job that met their spouse online. I haven’t been that fortunate. I thought I did come close once. For me it is a great outlet because I am a homebody. I like doing things. It isn’t always the bars and the clubs. So meeting people can be a difficult task. When I was in Boston I met a lot of people on the train to work. Now living in Georgia all we do is drive.

Meeting the person for you can be random and just luck. My luck needs to improve!!

Deleted from my Life

I went through my phone and yahoo buddy list and started pressing delete. The phone is not a big deal. If I don’t remember you, or I haven’t talked to you in a long time. I pressed delete.

My Yahoo buddy list is a different story.  I have had these people on this list for years. I always went back to my old friends I met at some point in my life. I know it sounds crazy but I have some very long internet relationships. No I haven’t met these people. They are just online at three am  or whenever to chat when I need a friend. I guess a fake friend.

I started going through my yahoo buddy list and realize I have used the sleath setting to be permanently offline for a lot of people. If you piss me off which happens often. I don’t want you to know when I am online. Usually men looking for sex or just being rude get this setting.

I also deleted my casual encounter person. This is an eight year relationship over. I am morning it some what. I need to focus on new in my life. Not going back to old for random reasons. That situation will never be the kind of relationship I desire. So I put an end to it. I deleted his phone number, email address and yahoo IM screen name. I know me I always go back when things are going bad.

I am a new woman. I need to respect my future and its blessings. No more resurrecting the past. The past is over, the future you can’t predict. I need to live in the present. I told my friend yesterday. If  money came into my world tomorrow. Which I could take care of my debt and afford the sperm donor I picked out. Yes lady’s I have no money but already picked out my number. Hey you have to think positive. I would have my two kids. Yes I said two. Then I would consider dating after my youngest is about two.

I been say my prosperity fast every day. It could be coming my way. Stay tuned.

Friday Depression

Well I am no longer in a relationship. He broke up with me via text message. No I am not making this up. He is so sorry that he couldn’t even face me on the phone. Then they wonder why we want to have children by ourselves. We had a text message battle on Friday. Yes I did mention he was a punk to do this via text message. I swear I hate this man. I only had few situations in my life where I experienced hate. This is one I can add to the list. Fuck him and I am glad I know what type of person he is now. He is just sorry in my book. If he came to me like a man and discussed this with me. I would be upset but would have had to accept it. No he couldn’t do that. So I hate him. He better never contact me again. I know he feels bad. I got text message at 12am asking if I was asleep. I just looked at my phone and thought seriously.

What is killing me about this is we have known each other for ten years. We have been friends longer than anything else. Well I decided not to dwell. My girl and I are going bowling and play pool. I am still in a bad place. I am going out with my girl who is less pressure. Not worrying about men at all. I have been asked on a few dates. Yeah I know  I work quick. Well I jumped on my Yahoo IM and started talking to folks I haven’t talked to in months. I got three offers of sperm for my baby journey.

It is funny how men are offering me their seed. One offered and I was beyond shocked. I thought he loved the bachelor life. He said he wasn’t getting any younger and didn’t have kids. He is sexy also. He is another long story from my past. Well actually not a long story but a story I need to keep to myself.  Our relationship was not the brightest moment in my history. Case closed on that LOL. I have to regroup and think about my next step. I decided I am jumping back into dating. I am going to save for my possible sperm purchase. I told a friend from home if a lump some of money comes into my life. I am going straight to getting pregnant and not worry about bullshit relationships. Right now I am going to have to save for that.

Either way god is on my side. I am going to keep taking my supplements for egg quality and move forward. One guy I lusted after years ago. He was so my type. I will not go into why we never got together. Well he is retired from the military and already has children. I told him he could father my children and give me the medical insurance for my babies through the military and we would be even. We had a big laugh on that one. LOL I am crazy!! I know it. If you can’t laugh at yourself then you are taking life to seriously.

It will all work out.

Making Up is Great!!

I mentioned in another post the boyfriend and I were having issues. Well it all came to a head over the labor day weekend. There was steam coming out of my ears. Then the argument over the issues. Not our worst from prior dating, but still not nice. We both tend to hit below the belt. We also tend to not totally listen to the other when trying to prove our point. Then of course I will pick out things said and turn them around to prove my point. Which he quickly noticed and made the comment of needing to be a lawyer or something. Either way relationships are not easy. I cannot remember one relationship I was in that was easy.  I care for this man. I know he cares for me. We came to a compromise that night. You could still hear hurt feelings on both sides in our voices. Then the next day I got a text asking me how I was doing. I wrote back fine and I asked him if he was mad. He said no and asked me the same. I said no, which I wasn’t. I was actually glad it was over. That day we hung out and it was great. Making up is great!! It would also be great never to argue but shit happens and no one lied to me and told me life was easy!!!