I grew up fat, so none of this should be a surprise. Being overweight at 8 years old to 24. I lost a hundred pounds in my early twenties. Through a 12 step food program. Yes, treating food like it is alcohol actually worked. Granted I could never remain totally clean. I also would stay at a size 14 the highest for years. At times getting down to a size 8.
When Ava was diagnosed I was on my way back to that 8. The 12 step food program wants a lot from me. They wanted me to go to three meetings a week. Talk to a sponsor every morning and commit to my food plan. Also, talk about my issues. It actually worked for the most part.
After Ava diagnosis, I didn’t have the time to commit to the program. It was easier to do when I was single with no commitments. Right now I am a single mother, with a very helpful grandmother. My mother helps in ways I couldn’t repay. I know Ava is her only grandbaby. I also subsidize my mother’s income which helps her to enjoy her retirement. Ava doesn’t stop, some days she is chill, but most days she is bouncing off the walls. I couldn’t ask my mother to watch her more then she does.
All that to say my weight has ballooned and I regret it, but I needed something to cope. Thank God it wasn’t drugs or alcohol because that wouldn’t have helped the situation. I did try three different anti-depressants. The first one I broke out in hives that didn’t go away for three weeks. The second, my eye felt like it was going to pop out of my head. The third one gave me suicidal thought. I called that doctor and told her I was done. I let her know none of these medications will take my daughters Autism away. I know that sounds like I have something against Autism. I do not, I love my baby. I am worried about how the world will treat or miss treat her because she does not talk. I can’t get past that fear. It keeps me up, it makes me nervous, it puts fear in my heart.
I ask God every day to give my baby a voice.
The day Ava had her second Seizure I was taping her for my Youtube channel. We were at children’s hospital getting the intake done for an MRI. During the intake, she threw up and had a seizure.
It was horrible. I ran across this video twice. Both times watching it, I couldn’t watch it in entirely. Also, I can’t stop myself from crying. When there is something wrong with your child it is so hard to handle.
I have so much stress with things I can not control. I know the serenity prayer. It isn’t helping at the moment. Ava hasn’t had a seizure since she was discharged from the hospital. I think we are going on six months no seizure. We have a neurological appointment coming soon. Also, a developmental Pediatrician appointments coming up. Then After the summer I am going to make a dentist appointment.
While also taking myself to the doctor to find an antidepressant that might help me. As the world turns over and over. Life stops for no one.
I have a lot going on. Mainly all the things I discuss on this blog. With several more issues, I don’t mention. Not that I don’t want to share. It is hard to type out my thoughts when I have them.
I was in my doctor’s office crying. I am fat and depressed. My depression leads to my eating. I was sharing about my child and situation, and she totally understood. This would be the last time I would be seeing this particular doctor because she is going to a different field.
We decided on Wellbutrin. A low dose and I would follow up with my new doctor. Well, the low dose was doing it thing. I was more awake and actually have many good days. So I met with my new doctor, and we decided to increase the dosage. I know I am an addict. If this works more must work better. Well after a week I wish I didn’t have those thoughts. I broke out in hives all over my body. Red itchy bumps.
I looked on the internet finding that to be one of the side effects. I couldn’t sleep my skin felt like it was on fire. It was the worst. Online they said it could last for weeks. Of course, it did. I went to urgent care got a steroid shot and a steroid pack to take. Nothing would work. I bought Allegra, Clariton, Zyertec. The only thing that would help was Benadryl. Which made me tired as hell. It was tired or scratch my body uncontrollably.
Urgent care told me to stop taking the medication immediately. I think I am done with the antidepressant thing. Am I depressed yes I am? That rash almost took me over the edge. I am very sensitive to medications. I can’t do it. A friend said try Prozac. I told her no thank you I am done.
Ok, why ME is the question of the day?. I moved up to 300mg of Welburtrin and I broke out into these crazy hives. I started itching my skin so bad. It has been horriable. I have made so many visits to Walgreens to try and find something to stop the itch.
I ended up at urgent care and they gave me a shot of steriods and steroid pack to take at home. I am done with anti-depresants. I email the doctor and told him urgent care told me to stop the pills immediatly. He said to go down to the lower dose. I said hell, not I will not. You can’t keep that bullshit pill.
I will have to admit. That pill was the bomb. I was feeling great. It made me pep up. Not sleepy at all. The after shocks was not worth it. I haven’t been able to sleep for weeks. The only thing that works is Benadryl. I am tired as hell with the Benadryl tirediness. It is either be tired or itch. So I am just tired. I take Benadryl before I go to bed. I wake up five hours later itching. I then have to take some more. This shit is so horrible, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. After a week the itching is subsiding but not gone by any means.
I never really been into to taking to many pharmercicals. I am going to stick to that and have to work through my issues another way.
God help me!!!
My depression is taking over. I am not sure if I need a therapist, antidepressants or Church. I need to do something. I did make a plan to make moves this week. I didn’t do anything. It has been a stressful week. I am putting it on my to-do list for next week.
I decided to check out a church. They have a daycare that will take autistic children. I am not taking Ava until I see this place and feel comfortable leaving her there. I need something because things are not going well. I am not happy and feel really disappointed with life. I feel like I will be fighting forever for everything. Pray for me. I am working things out. I am sure it will get better. I am going to be proactive about finding a solution.
I am not a complainer. I have suffered from depression my whole life. Doctors have always said it isn’t bad enough to go on drugs. Which I don’t want to go on drugs. I took them one time and the outcome was crazy. I have enough drugs I have to take for my neurological condition.
So a friend said she had a bone to pick with me. No need to go into all of it. Then I said look I am depressed and have a lot going on in my life. She said to see a therapist. I told her where am I supposed to fit that in. Here are my issues with a therapist. You have to have time for them. Which I don’t. It is hard to find one you like. Not all therapist are equal. I have been to therapist lets say five times in my life. I only had success with one. The woman that was there for me when I had all those miscarriages and thought I would never be a mother. That lady was great.
My friend said why didn’t I say anything to her about my depression. I am not a complainer. Complaining doesn’t get anyone anywhere. I know a few women in my life that will let the complaints fly. Now I there is a difference from sharing the hard things going on in your life to straight up complaining. I have friends I share with. Complaining I don’t do. There is nothing to be gained. What can anyone do about my depression. I can’t do anything about anyone else depression.
I am not a therapist and I actually have a friend finishing a school for therapy. She said we are friends and she can’t be my therapist. I still run things by her. LOLOL.
I remember someone telling me why complain no one is listening.!!!