Baby Project #35

The waiting games begins again. It will be longer than the two week wait. I don’t have a doctor dishing out papers to have a blood test. I could pay for a blood test out of my pocket. I doubt I am going to do that. I am going to wait until my period shows up. Or not which I hope.

I realized my negativity has risen to new heights. I swear I expected my donor to be the usual type of assholes I meet. Granted he is not Mr. Communication. He has done everything he said he would do.

He is an all around nice guy, as far as I can tell. Granted I would never have dated him. Yes I did think about this. Would this be a man I could date. I like communication. I learned a long time ago, I can not be with a quiet man.

I went to the new GYNO. She won’t give me the Clomid. She did make a good point that she doesn’t think I need it. She wants me to take the Clomid challenge test. She likes that test better than the AMH.

To see if I really have bad egg quality. I am torn do I want to take this test or not. Yes it is more information. Do I need that information is the question. Will it make a difference in my process. I doubt it. Until I can get to MASS and get some health insurance coverage for fertility. I won’t make one bit of difference.

I would like to know if my egg quality is bad. Some good news would put a smile on my face. Even with that information they do not guarantee you pregnancy. There are no guarantee with anything in life. This process has surely taught me that.

 

No backing out!!

The social worker from the reproductive clinic emailed me. It is time to plan the doctor’s appointment. I need to make sure I am not pregnant before I begin this. I am trying to stay positive that I am pregnant.

She did answer a few of my questions. She stated there were women with the same AMH or lower who have gotten pregnant at their clinic. Also women with normal AMH that have not gotten pregnant. I felt good about that answer. Now I feel the test are not detrimentally bad.

If I am not pregnant, I need to be taking the DHEA. I been trying to find a place to take a blood test. It came into my brain this morning about my friend who got testing done with no insurance. I have insurance but don’t want to chase down a doctor or explain why I  want this test. I am sure doctors have heard it all, but I don’t want to do it.

Well my friend told me about a place called ANY LABS. There is one down the street from my house. I will be in there on Saturday morning. I called they will let me know the results by Monday.

I am excited and scared on so many levels. Reading so many blogs of infertility issues, it is hard not to go straight to the negative. I do read a few blogs where they were pregnant pretty quickly.

My new question for the social worker. Do I need a new sperm donor. I am CMV – my sperm donor is CMV+. I don’t see the big deal. I don’t know anyone who got pregnant ask the man what is their CMV. I hope it is not a problem. I want that sperm donor if I am using sperm donation.

Life is good!! So many what if’s but no complaints. All in all a good place to be.

 

Bad Fertility News

pregnancy test - negative

My test came back. In so many words my eggs suck. Yes I said it. They are old. My AMH was .28. Normal is 1-3. If I am pregnant right now, god was really on my side.  She wants me to start taking DHEA. The supplement that put all these damn pimples on my face. I have to say I am not excited about it.

She did say the results were expected for being 38. I swear I should have gotten knocked up years ago. No I was the safe sex poster girl. I need not joke about that because I know a few people who are HIV positive. I know I was doing the right thing. The problem in doing the right thing, I feel like I am getting the shit end of the stick.

I remember last year when a reproductive place said the .2 AMH just means you are going to go through menopause early. You could leave here and get pregnant right away. I am trying to stay positive. There are no guaranteeing in life.

I could be crying and my causal circumstance this weekend could have been my dream come true.

I don’t feel comfortable telling the doctor about the casual circumstance. So I am not sure how to maneuver through that one.

I am not feeling positive right now. I am going to work on it. I asked her does she still see good odds after my test have come back.  I am waiting for that answer. I swear I checked my email five times already.

I can not afford IVF. I am going to go all in with the medication and recommendation for the IUI.  I am hoping I don’t have to. I know, still trying to keep hope alive!!!!

I know people who have passed all test with flying colors and couldn’t get pregnant. Then their women who did horrible on the test and went home with a baby. God here my prayers. HELP ME!!!!!

 

New Day, New resolve!

I have decided I have to do something about my weight. I am finally serious. I was kind of upset today. A co-worker started spraying Lysol when I broke out my healthy food. I need to stop letting things upset me. I am so sensitive these days. I don’t like it.

I need to get back to not caring about what anyone else thinks. I am so ready to move and get this party started. I know gods time not mine. I think he might need to hurry up. I won on another scratch ticket. It is sitting on my dresser not fully scratch. I need to fantasize for a few days. I hate to say it. It helps me get through my work days. When you really don’t want to be somewhere it helps to have something else to think about.

If a decent amount of money comes into my life. I would forget the short sale get renters and move. There is reason I didn’t do that in the first place. I would lose money with renters. Due to the rent rate being so low in my neighborhood now. Yeah sucks to be me.

Life is stranger than fiction anything is possible. My co-worker won 700 bucks at the casino. I know I should be focussed on such irrelevant things. It just keeps my mind out of dark places.

I need to be focused on the positive. I don’t think I am going overseas. Due to my age and wanting to get pregnant. Also scoring so damn low on that AMH test. .72. That scared the paints off me. I want to do testing here in GA.

What stops me is in MA  health insurance covers the majority of the testing. So I don’t want to get a job that pays for such things and I wasted my money.  I also don’t like to start a job and have a hundred doctors appointments. I don’t know which way I am going these days. I was told one day at a time. First things first. I need to get rid of this damn house. I have to pass my paperwork in again on June 1st.

Maybe someone will be kind to me and make it happen. That would be great!! Here is to the positive. I am going to stay positive and keep hope alive that everything will work out.

Today I start P90X. I have been eating right for three days now. Here is to losing 30 pounds and having a beach body. My new resolve is to be positive and believe anything is possible!!!