I am not pregnant. I knew I wasn’t when I got my period this morning. I was supposed to come back in to get ready for another IUI. I called it all off. I need a break.
The financial part of this is stressing me out. So the social worker was great about it. Said if I wanted to I could come back. Well the doctor called me back and said no she does not think it is a good idea I come back. She was nice about it explained her side of things. She thinks my next step should be IVF. I cannot afford IVF at this point and also do not have the insurance for it.
My next step is a known donor. I know I am going backwards. People start with a known donor first. The appointments of the process didn’t bother me. It was tossing up another 2500 bucks.
I went to the Known Donor Registry. I saw a guy I met online years ago. I never met him in person. Funny how small the world is. I was a little put off by the doctor. Telling me not to come back.
I still was calling it quits. It seemed that she thought I was an emotional wreck that couldn’t go on. No I didn’t want to spend money I did not have. The amount I owe right now is on a credit card. I don’t like that shit. She said she understood. Oh well moving on in my world.
How does a regular person by themselves afford this? I have a good job. Not a six figure job, but a good one. I feel punished for following the rules. She also gave me a lecture about known donors also. Either way I am an adult. Even with my old eggs. I have to make decisions that work for me.
Today was my second insemination. I have been on a good plain. I had four follicles that did release by the second insemination. The doctor seemed confident which is a great feat for this doctor. She has never been overly optimistic.
1) She told me to get an OBGYN and make an appointment for 10 weeks. (Just in Case)
2) She is willing to do forth insemination instead of three. Granted I don’t know if I can afford four. But the fact that she is optimistic of achieving pregnancy makes me happy.
3) She wants to try Clomid if I want to do Three insemination. If I want to do four then she will do the letrozole for the third do to my good response.
All these this things are optimistic conversation.
I took her suggestion and went to the hypnotherapy which I really enjoyed the appointment. If I could afford it, I would go once a week. I can’t afford that at all. 🙂 The appointment was positive. I loved that she listen to me. She would say babies because she knows I want twins. She also got me started on my Laws of Attraction mission I was on.
She had a plaque on her desk that said IF YOU CAN DREAM IT YOU CAN HAVE IT!!! I am ready for my dreams to come true.
Doctor dude dropped out of sight again. Which I am a little pissed about. I agreed to go to this bridal shower to meet his ass. Well My aunt bought the ticket and I will try to enjoy myself regardless.
The ex contacted me again. I swear I know this man so well. I asked him what the hell does he want from me? He claims nothing. I told him that is a lie or he could finally cut ties and not get in contact with me again.
He asked me if I didn’t love him anymore. I told him I couldn’t say that because I am not an untruth. Then he said do I want him never to contact me again. Now that I can say yes. You are no good for me. Then he asked if we could be a friend. I told him he doesn’t deserve my friendship. Which all I been through with him, he isn’t any kind of friend.
I was a little upset with the conversation. I didn’t let it linger, and moved on to I am living my dreams. I am working on my vision board again. I am working on my life and what I can dream I can have. That is a new lease on life.
I got the trigger shot today. She saw four mature eggs.
Is it too much to ask that my twins show up out of these four eggs?? At first she said three and I was disappointed. We had five last go round. Clearly the high number didn’t help. She had to look again to find the fourth one.
I have my insemination tomorrow. She said if the eggs are still there when she does the ultrasound she will do one Tuesday and the next one Wednesday. If the eggs dropped she will do a double insemination on Tuesday. I could careless about either protocol as long as I get success out of it.
I am going to a bridal shower. Ticket already bought. Dr. Dude didn’t call me back this weekend. So we will see if he is there in July or not. I am not banking on it. I am more worried about my baby project then any man at this point. If he acts up I will enjoy Philly with my aunt.
Tomorrow I am going to have a lot to do. I plan to do to the acupuncture after my insemination. I am pulling out all the stops for this. I took two days off. I feel some fluttering in my lower region. I hope that means something.
I was on my way to get my shot to help the letrozole. Six possible follicles found after the ultrasound.
She made the comment of this not being protocol. I asked her what she meant by that. I guess they usually go forward with the insemination if there are four follicles or less. I am praying she doesn’t cancel it. Granted she said, she see no reason not to go forward because we are dealing with an egg quality issue. She also went forward with the last IUI and I had five follicles last time. Granted at this point in the process she only saw three. We all know how that last time ended up. I am working on being totally optimistic.
If all goes according to plan the trigger shot will be on Monday and insemination on Tuesday and Wednesday.
I took off Tuesday and Wednesday. After the first insemination I am going straight to my acupuncturist after the insem on Tuesday. I am not sure if I am going to go to they hypnotherapy I was really thinking about it. Nothing to lose but more money. I might call her tomorrow. She says she has late hours. I can’t take more time off work. So it would need to fit into the schedule.
Doctor dude called me yesterday. My cousin wedding is in NJ in August. He asked if I could come down a day earlier and we could hang out. To me it is the same problem. I haven’t met you before. My friends think I am taking this to far. My safetly comes first. I been on to many bad internet dates to meet someone in a strange city. Plus when I go I am staying with my aunt in the hotel room she is paying for. Yes I am cheap.
So I called her to see when she was getting to NJ. She was actually going to be there a day early. Great that could work. I told her the situation and she suggested I attend the bridal shower with her in Philly. I was not planning to attend the bridal show. I said if she paid for my ticket I would go. She said I was trying to pimp her. I laughed so hard. I am not trying to pimp her, I have major fertility bills coming my way. I wasn’t planning to spend more money on a trip to Philly. She said no. Then called me back and said she would look into ticket prices.
All this to say Doctor dude lives outside of Philly. I called him and left a message. I never usually call him during the day. He actually called back and thought it was a great idea. He doesn’t have a problem meeting my aunt. He said he could give us the three-hour tour of Philly. So we will see. I might meet Doctor Dude in July. We will see!! No tickets have been bought yet!
My Aunt could be a back up set of eyes. To know this man isn’t crazy. Taking my Aunt on a first date or meeting was not my plan. Life works the way it works!!
Second insemination went smoothly. Five follicles have released I was laying there thinking HELL YES!! It sounded like good news. My doctor is very dry. She even had a great tone to her voice. She did say if this didn’t work, she wouldn’t change the protocol at all.
The social worker and I talked after my 15 min of laying there. I told her I was excited by the number of follicles. She said it is a good sign. How good are they and will they create a baby is the big question.
The cervical cap came out easily last night. She placed another one in today. I wanted to go to my acupuncturist today. I will be there tomorrow. The last time I was there she said they got robbed. When she left late at night. So I decided against going because I wouldn’t get there until late. I don’t want to put myself or my acupuncturist in danger. Her husband is out of the country for a while.
The social worker said try not to worry about it. If I can pull that off I need to write a book. I am going to assume right at this moment I am pregnant with my twin girls. Here is to the Law of Attraction!!!
I did it. I had my frozen sperm placed in my uterus Now I have six mature eggs. I was blown away when she said six. She still gives me a 10% chance. Which I thought was funny when she said the medicine did great. She even used the words this increases your chances for success Then to still come up with the number of 10% chance.
She did say that I reacted great to the medication. She didn’t expect me to react that well due to my test. Then I got the multiple talk again. Because there are so many eggs. She said people concerned about multiplies she would tell them not to do the second insemination. I said in a very serious tone. “I will be here tomorrow. She said do you have any questions. I said “no”.
What you, no questions. You are the queen of questions. I said I am working on not worry about it. She said , good job!!! She also hit on a good point. She said I am sure you have done a ton of research. I told her to the point of obsession Now is the time to lay back and let it happen. I am still looking online. It is hard not to look online and see what happened to other people. I am in original so I can’t mirror their experience after mine.
She put on a cervical cap. I hope I can get that thing out. Never used any device like that before. I am officially on my way. I still have the WTF did I just do in my head!!!
My doctor’s appointment was 9:20 am. I went to work because it is easy to get there from my job than my house. Damn Atlanta traffic. I swear every time that thing is in my VJAY it is a new form of discomfort.
The good news is I know have four mature eggs. I also have some small ones. I asked her about multiplies. She said I have a 2% chance of multiplies. Even with that 2% chance they made sure I signed that waiver that I know what I am getting my butt into.
Tomorrow will be my first insemination. I did not ovulate myself. I got the trigger shot straight in the ass. So she told me to check my ovulation tonight. When I get the positive it will show the medicine is working.
I asked her a question. She said are you just asking questions to ask questions. Because you know the answer. I should have been mad, because shit you should answer whatever question I ask.
My mother does the same thing when she is nervous. She asks the same questions over and over again. So I told her I am nervous. She then stated there is nothing else you can do at this point. It is not in your hands anymore. All you can do is show up to the appointments. You have four eggs we just need one to be good. I feel so helpless.
On a lighter note I haven’t taken down my personal ad. I know I should, I am just not ready. Well I met this new guy online. He actually lives down the street from me. I was honest about my baby making journey. I wanted to give him a chance to run if it was too much for him. So far so good. We have been chatting for a couple of days.
I would hate to be a bad romantic comedy. The Jennifer Lopez movie where she met the guy the day of insemination. Life is stranger than fiction. I can’t claim to know what will happen in my life. I am surprised every time.
I will be inseminating this week. I been testing and I swear my emotions have been all over the place. I did go on a three-mile walk yesterday. I pushed myself because my lazy ass was ready to die after the second time around the park. I was impressed with pushing through. Usually not like me. I found this song I am in love with. I usually do not listen to the radio, so I am not up on any of the latest music. Here is the music video.
I have to say I love old school music. When I grew up it wasn’t old. But now that my ass is old it is called old school.
Here is what I am use to listening to:
I didn’t do much this weekend. I did go to acupuncture I am trying every angle to make this IUI a success. She gave me a tea to drink before I inseminate. I need to cook it up tonight. She doesn’t do tea bags. She puts the dirt, leaves and bark in a brown paper bag. So more dirt tea for me. I have actually been getting use to the taste. I swear I never thought I would say that. Everything I have done this past 12 months is leading up to this week. Nervous is just part of my emotions. My Co-worker came to my office and said are you ready for this week. I said no thinking she was talking about work. She was referring to my IUI and I did show some excitement.
All this is some scare shit!! All of it. From going through the stress of the IUI working or not. Doing it all alone with no real emotional support. I was feeling lonely this weekend. I don’t have that feeling often. It did consume me a little. No one called all day Saturday. It is funny when you want someone to call the phone doesn’t ring. When you are in a great conversation the phone won’t stop.
I am going to start praying tonight. I need something to ground me. I feel all over the place.
Went to the doctors and I have three follicle ( eggs). She did the ultrasound without saying too much. She waited until after pushing that thing all around my VJAY.
So they are not big enough yet. She wants to trigger my ovulation on day 12. I usually ovulate day 11 according to them. Day 10 according to me. Granted I have no idea how there counting is done. I seem to be a day off. So this means I need to check my ovulation. If I get the smiley face earlier then they predict I will be having the insemination that day and the next day. Yes two insemination one day a part.
I asked her if I would need the trigger shot even if I ovulate on my own. She said she would still give it to me. I didn’t totally understand why, but I am going with it. So they had the discussion (very brief) about multiples. I do have three follies up there. Hey I am praying for my twins. So was half listening. It was very in and out see you next time type of appointment. I was so spacey on the way back to work I went the wrong way. I could have been to work about 15 minutes earlier.
I swear I got everyone praying for me. I am going to my acupunturist this weekend. I was going to go shopping tonight for clothes. I need to be home at 8pm to take my letrozole. I am trying my best to stay on point.
I also got two shots of Menopur. I have no idea what that is supposed to do. Granted I am sure I got the paper work some where. It has been so hard to wrap my head around this. I am looking at this prayer on my computer. Don’t worry about anything, instead pray about everything.
God please send me my children!!! I am praying at my desk. TGIF!!! I am so ready for the weekend. Next week will be a big week for me. INSEMINATION WEEK!!!!
First ultrasound today. In two weeks I should be doing my first IUI. Reality is kicking in. I am listening to my positive thinkingCD at work. I needed to hear more of it. My commute isn’t long anymore.
I am letting it start over again and again. I want it to sink into my brain. I know my clothes were not fitting the way I liked this morning. I didn’t start off in a good place. Now that I am on the second time with this CD I am feeling a little better. I just started to realize my VJAY is going to be on display a lot. I am not used to that. Once a year at the doctor’s office is what I use to.
I know I am going to have to get over it. I never thought it bothered me in the past. I wasn’t in love with spreading my legs in front of someone, but I could deal with it once a year. Well now it is going to be around five times this month.
I heard when you give birth everyone is down there. I’ll deal with that when it happens. I need to stay positive. My uterus is a fertile place. I will be pregnant with my twins this month. CD is working!!!!