Day by day!

I think my all day sickness is calming down. I feel better. Not perfect, but a whole lot better. I love my family but sometimes the selfishness drives me insane. My aunt wanted to come to Atlanta. Which I have mentioned. She has a laundry list of things she wants to do. Getting her hair done being one of them. I told her I am not catering to her whims while she is here. As my therapist said it isn’t my job. I go out for a few hours to run my own errands and I am ready to take a nap on the weekends. During the week, I bring myself to wash the dishes take a shower and go to bed. Usually by 8pm.

When I first said this she got mad and said she will come to Atlanta on her own and get a hotel. I said great we can do lunch or dinner. Nope she didn’t want to see me at all. Clearly being a brat because I didn’t say what she wanted to hear. I ignored her. Then after time she slowly eased into coming to stay with me. Like I forget the tantrum this grown ass woman had because I told her no.

She said I can drop her off and pick her up for this hair appointment. I know she doesn’t like to hear no, but that is what she heard hell no. This place is 40+ minutes from my house. Not going to even almost happen.

The next attempt, I will come down for a doctor’s appointment. Sounded nice and like she was coming for me. I should have known some bullshit was up with that. She also agreed to rent a car to do her own thing. Wow sounded even better. She did ask to use my car. Which I said no. First it is my only mode of transportation. It is having issues and she would never let me driver her precious car. I was down with the doctor’s appointment. Well here is when I realized it was more about her than me. She starts thinking about when she is going to buy her ticket. I said wait, you need to know when I am actually having a doctor’s appointment to make a flight right. Ahh I got you!!! I love my aunt, but the world does not revolve around her. No matter how much she think it does.

I told her if she wants to come down rent and car and stay with me it is not a big deal. But you don’t have to tell me this bullshit about a doctor’s appointment. She got in her I don’t know what you are talking about voice and said okay. Then I reminded her of her tantrum early in the year that she was going to stay in a hotel and not see me at all. I heard another okay let me let you go. REALLY!!!

She has known me all my life. I rarely do shit I don’t want to do. I am not worried about her. I have enough on my plate with life stuff.

A friend said I don’t need a Douala. She seemed a little offended for me wanting to pay someone to be at my beck and call during delivery. Her and her partner got my back. Here is the thing. If it comes down to it and I am left hanging I am going to beyond pissed. I also don’t feel comfortable calling people all times of night. I know I am pregnant. Everyone keeps giving me this blank check of favors and be there for me. I appreciate it and really need to accept the help. Here is the problem, I am still me. Miss independent who don’t depend on people. Usually because when I have in the past I was disappointed big time. So I decided early in my life to do shit on my own. It is hard to break that from me. I need to work on it!!!

 

Baby Project #46

Sugar free!

Sugar free! (Photo credit: ladybugbkt)

First insemination complete. Yesterday traffic was hell. It took me an hour and ten minutes to get to his house. Then he was still 25 minutes late. It was just one of those days.

I am still not thrilled with going out-of-town. I have to suck it up. I have so much going on with me. My food has been great actually. Still haven’t given up the coffee. I love the taste with creamers. It isn’t the coffee that is my downfall. It is that damn creamers. That is where all the calories are. Also I go to the gas station Racetrack. They have a sugar free french vanilla cappuccino. I love that damn drink. The cashier know me. When they can they give it to me for free. This guy at work is jealous I get free coffee and he doesn’t. I told him I am cuter then he is. I doubt it has anything to do with my looks. I am friendly and talk to them.

I was told anything sugar-free has a lot of fat in it. Anything fat-free has a lot of sugar in it. Which is so true. If you ever look at sugar-free candy ex Russell Stover , says not a low-calorie snack. So staying away from sugar you can rack up many calories. You just can’t win on the diet front.

I got a light double line on my cheap ovulation kit this morning. Which usually means by tonight I should get the happy face on clear blue easy ovulation kit. I need to see that damn happy face!! Lord show me the face!!!

I am praying traffic is not that bad today. I decided to not use my GPS. It had me go through Atlanta because of the traffic on the highway. I think with the lights and crowded streets it took longer. Not that it mattered since I had to wait for his ass anyways. He is going to let me know when he is out of work, before I leave this time. I was also pissed at myself, I forgot one day of my soy isoflavone. It was during the fourth of July weekend. I was doing absolutely nothing special that day. I have no idea why I forgot. So we will see if it helps this month or not. Life is stranger than fiction, So who knows!!

Baby Project #12

My doctor’s appointment was 9:20 am. I went to work because it is easy to get there from my job than my house. Damn Atlanta traffic. I swear every time that thing is in my VJAY it is a new form of discomfort.

The good news is I know have four mature eggs. I also have some small ones. I asked her about multiplies. She said I have a 2% chance of multiplies. Even with that 2% chance they made sure I signed that waiver that I know what I am getting my butt into.

Tomorrow will be my first insemination. I did not ovulate myself. I got the trigger shot straight in the ass. So she told me to check my ovulation tonight. When I get the positive it will show the medicine is working.

I asked her a question. She said are you just asking questions to ask questions. Because you know the answer. I should have been mad, because shit you should answer whatever question I ask.
My mother does the same thing when she is nervous. She asks the same questions over and over again. So I told her I am nervous. She then stated there is nothing else you can do at this point. It is not in your hands anymore. All you can do is show up to the appointments. You have four eggs we just need one to be good.  I feel so helpless.

On a lighter note I haven’t taken down my personal ad. I know I should, I am just not ready. Well I met this new guy online. He actually lives down the street from me. I was honest about my baby making journey. I wanted to give him a chance to run if it was too much for him. So far so good. We have been chatting for a couple of days.

I would hate to be a bad romantic comedy. The Jennifer Lopez movie where she met the guy the day of insemination. Life is stranger than fiction. I can’t claim to know what will happen in my life. I am surprised every time.

I might have F@#! up!

Film poster for Casual Sex? - Copyright 1988, ...

Mr. Persistence showed up on my yahoo IM. I met him in 2005 via the internet. He was new to Atlanta  when we originally met and he was parting. So I didn’t want to start anything with him . I felt he would learn about the Atlanta night life and forget my name. That happens with a lot of newbies. We fooled around in 2005 nothing major. He consistently would come in my life and see how I was doing. He has always asked to hang out. We got in several arguments over the years. Presently I can’t think of what most of them were about.

The random arguments would always make me think we could never work out. I felt he was very critical of me at times. I am very sensitive about criticisms. Some time would pass and he would contact me again like nothing happened. Well fast forward seven years. He contacted me again and was flirting. We all know how I have been feeling lately. I fell in hook line and sinker. He came over and we went to a place we haven’t been in the seven years we known each other.

We talked after and I wonder where this was going. I told him about my moving plans. I guess in my fantasy I thought he was at his home just as lonely as I was. This is totally in my mind because I never asked. I just went with my feelings and my body aches. He is dating. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I had no expectation when he came in the door. Now I have expectations when he is leaving. That is why casual sex for me is not a good idea. I don’t really no what to do in this situation. He didn’t do anything wrong in this situation. I don’t want to feel bad about myself on any level.

I have expectations but I have no idea what they are. I am confused! Hopefully the fog will clear soon. I have had casual sexual relationships before. This is with men I knew I didn’t want. I can’t say that about him. That might be a problem. I new casual sex is not my thing any longer. My body doesn’t know it but I am going to have to keep the mind focus. Mr Persistence hasn’t called. Which puts him in the ass hole category in my book. Which I probably knew all along. He caught me at the right time and place. It is all about timing. Lesson learned life moves on!!

Out of the Country!

I have a friend who has been a government contractor for five years. He is now in the country and we have been talking on the phone like old times. He is still not in my state.

How did I meet him. In a club in Atlanta. My bold self went up to him and asked him if he was having a good time. My usual line to see if a guy is interested in me. If they continue talking to you they are interested. If you get one word it is a wrap he doesn’t like you. Well I broke the ice. He said yes he was having a good time. Then I said why do you look so damn mean. We have been friends ever since.

This man is very sexy. Tall and big like a line backer in a sexy way. The type if he puts his arms around you, you never want him to let go. So his nickname for this blog is BigSexy.  He is also originally from Chicago and had the Chi town swagger. If you don’t what swag or swagger is let me explain. That confidence and tone and charisma that makes you fall in love.

Well he did not live in GA and was just passing through. He invited me to breakfast. I knew what that meant. I was not about to be his Atlanta delight. I passed but we continued to have a phone friendship. We talked all the time. He got religion a few years later and apologized for trying to get in my paints when he first met me.

I found that funny. If I did give him some it would have been my choice. I never got that type of apology before. I thought it was nice. Well then he decided to go to Iraq as a contractor. I tried to talk him out of it. At the time on the news all you saw was the death.

He left and have been assigned to many different countries and saw the world. Fast forward five and a half years later. He is telling me I should be a contractor. He has been trying to get me to do it for years. For a long time my answer was hell no. Now I am thinking about it. My baby dreams would be put on hold for a while. But I will be making money and get totally out of debt. With a hefty saving coming back.

I told my mother my thoughts. Why the hell did I do that. She read me the riot act of how crazy I am. I am just board with myself and I need to stop. Well thanks mom for the help. I am really thinking about it.

No longer a Risk taker

Boston Common (TV series)

Image via Wikipedia

I moved to Georgia with nothing. I had a 1997 Mazda 626 with a hitch on the back. Which had a small TV 19 inch, clothes and books. I was sick of Boston. I was sick of my family. I was sick of always running into people who knew the old me. The fat no self-esteem girl. I wanted different. I was sick of snow. I was sick of living at home.

I did not come to this conclusion on my own. I went to this big party around Christmas. I ran into this girl who stole my fake boyfriend when I was 16. Yes I was in love with this green-eyed boy who road the church van with me and my cousin.  I didn’t attend this church. I went to their outing they had on Friday nights.

I was in love with him. Well my version of staring and wishing and praying he would notice me. He noticed her and they had one of those quick teenage romances. I wouldn’t have cared, but she knew I was in love with him. So needless to stay I still had a grudge against the bitch. So when I ran into her at the party 9 years after she stole my fake boyfriend I wasn’t happy to see her. I should have been more mature I was 25.  I was also no longer the fat outcast. I was the tall thin and sexy new girl on the block. Oh well moving on.

She moved to Atlanta. She was in town visiting her mom. She was telling me all about it. I said that is nice and tried to get away from her. Then she said you should move their too. I said no I couldn’t do that. Not that I wanted to stay in Boston. I always wanted to leave. I tried to get my best friend to move with me several times. We always did a lot of talking and no moving.

Then the statement came out. I know she was being a bitch. The words stuck and hurt my soul. Well you are 25 and you live at home with your mother. You don’t want to be 30 living at home with your mother.

I went home that night thinking about that statement. I love my mother, but I didn’t want to live with her the rest of my life. A childhood friend who was a nomad since graduating high school. She moved state to state with ease. She said you will never be truly independent until you leave your home state.

I had no fear. I was leaving. When I decided I was on a mission. I got a second job to save money. I was leaving in exactly six months.  I quite my job, packed my stuff and was off. My cousin took the drive with me to my new home state. My mother cried. My uncle told me I wouldn’t make it and would be back. I told him god had my back and I truly believed it.

I slept on a sleep sofa at my cousins house in my new state. I got a job in about two months. Then I moved into an apartment with a guy I known for three weeks. Yes that is right  I hadn’t even known him a month. We met on the train and I was smitten. I didn’t move in with him because of that. I was trying to get the hell out of my cousin house. The situation had run its course. I was about to be homeless if I didn’t make a move.

The guy and I lasted a total of three months. I kicked him out and I have been on my own ever since.  How about him and I are still friends. I talked to him a few weeks ago.

Eleven years several jobs a house purchase a dog addition. I am still here, still kicking.

That was the biggest risk of my life. I took that risk with ease. I want to know where is that girl. I want her back. I need to find the old me and breathe life into her. I knew no obstacles. I miss her.

Interesting turn of events!

Philly

Image by courosa via Flickr

Well it doesn’t look like I am going to the Fernbank. I haven’t heard from the guy other than a text on Monday. I know I had to strike while the iron was hot.

A guy I met years ago has contacted me. He seems to want to rekindle something. I just have no idea what because all I remember is one date a long time ago. I am getting voice mails and text messages saying have a good day. It is kind of shocking. This person and I never had a great vibe. I think that is why it never went beyond one date. It sounds like he has some sort of epiphany. I wish he would let me in on it. I haven’t talked to him in years. He is talking to me in a manner that we never stopped communicating.

On another internet event. A guy I really liked I have reconnected with. I say I really liked him loosely. We have never met. We flirted and talked on the phone on and off for a few years. I think we fell off when ever we were dating someone. I emailed him a month ago just to say hello. Then he called and bang we are back shooting the shit on the phone.

Why we never met you ask? Well he lives in Philly. I live in Atlanta. I refuse to travel to  a strange city to meet a stranger. I know you might think I could be missing an opportunity. Take a risk. My answer to that is hell no. I have been on countless internet dates. More than the average person. There is nothing worse than being in a  situation and stuck. Yes I drove two hours to Columbus GA to meet this guy. He was at a military base. When I got there he would not stop talking about his ex girlfriend. I ended up yelling at this guy “will you stop saying her name”. I was stuck for the evening. I was ready to run home the next day.

I have also had many bad dates that I couldn’t wait for him to finish eating so I could head home. It is real bad when I offer to pay for my meal just so he doesn’t have the illusion to call me again. I can’t imagine being in a strange city going through that crap. So I put it on the man. If he is that interested he will make the effort.

Over the years I have had men visit from South Carolina, Florida, New York. They stayed in hotels and I met them.

I didn’t meet this guy because he was a broke med student/resident when we started talking. He didn’t have the time or money to come see me. Now that has changed. He is working and from what I can see successful in what he is doing. He is still beyond busy.

He actually offered to come see me. I was shocked. First he offered me a plane ticket to Philly which I refused. He needs to come here first so I can access the body language on my turf.

Actions speak louder than words. Me being the pessimist I know. I will believe it when he gets off the plane. I need to work on being optimistic. I hate being let down so pessimism is my safety net to disappointment.

Interesting Days off!

These four days off were very interesting. My neighbor townhouse was broken into. They kicked in the front door which scared the shit out of me. They also were so bold to do it at 6:30pm. It happened earlier in the week. Then I got a call on Friday night about a friend’s house being broken into. The alarm company called her and she called me. I have her key and alarm code. I waited a few minutes and went over there. The cop was actually driving away from her house. I stopped him and waited outside while he went through her house to make sure it was safe. She was out-of-town visiting her grandmother. She lives five minutes from my house. With the economy and Atlanta screwing us over our neighborhood has just gone to shit.

I live in a suburb of Atlanta Georgia. Atlanta decided to tear down all their low income housing and give the people they were displacing housing vouchers. Our county was one of the victims of these people. Also the county near the airport. So they just put the crap on us and we have to deal with these displaced people moving next door. Also the economy doesn’t help the situation. No jobs, no money, more crime.

The cop agreed with me about Atlanta (Futon County) screwing us over. Then he proceeded to tell me there is a rapist on the loose. Following women home from the grocery store. That really put fear in me. The cop left and I waited for my friend’s cousin to secure her back door that was kicked in. I started to think I have no one to help me in the middle of the night in a crisis.

The whole experience has just made me afraid. I didn’t sleep well that night at all. I went to Home Depot and order a security door for the front of my house. It should be here in ten days. I also decided I am getting a gun. I am going to find a gun safety class. I told a few people and they all want to join  me in this class. In the U.S. we have the right to bear arms. If someone comes through my door they are going to have something waiting for them. I don’t have children so I don’t feel that bad about having a gun in the house. I was talking to my friend who lives in my subdivision about our crappy neighborhood. The truth of the matter is break ins are happening all over the place. There is really no place to go to avoid the possibility.

On a brighter note, I went out this weekend. I enjoyed sometime with my meetup group at a bar. I met this guy who I thought was really cute. He had two kids and is a single father. All of that made him more attractive. I pushed the issue to exchange numbers. We did talk that same night. I not getting the vibe he is into me other than friends, which is fine. I am not going to force it. He seems really into his children and not pressed for a relationship. Or he is not pressed to get to know me. One or the other which I am cool with either way. I desire a man who is into me. I am not going to beg for attention. At this point I am going to go with he isn’t interested. If I happen to get invited on a date I will be pleasantly surprised.

I did meet a new guy at a bar. He was working as a bartender that night. He invited me to hang out at his job. So I met him at work and we talked while it was slow. I stayed a few hours and went home. He is just looking for sex. Which was obvious with all the sexual questions. He had no questions concerning me or my character. I had no intention of talking to this man again. He did call later that night asking to come over. I told him no thanks. He then said he is pursuing me and the ball is in my court. I wanted to say you are pursuing what is in between my legs not me. I have no time for men that have that as there only focus.

My weekend has been interesting to say the least. I guess I don’t mind when my weekend is dull. Some of these things I would have been alright to not have experienced.

Surprised!!!

I have clubbed in the Atlanta area for years. Granted I have taken a break for a long while. Usually I meet men out and about. It never really translates into anything. Eventually I delete them from my cell phone. Well I have heard from four guys from Saturday night. This is a strange occurence.

The Navy guy I actually called to see if he was alright. He was pretty drunk and I was concerned. We chatted for a while which was cool. I had taken a few pictures with him. I added him to my Facebook. He didn’t really seem that interested in me via the phone. It sounded like we could be good friends. Or Facebook friends which is fine with me.

Two other guys asked me how I was doing via text message. Yes, people do not want to hear your voice anymore. Text message is the new way to converse. I am not a big texter. I exchanged a few text with each of them. One lives out-of-state. The other one lives near me but I wasn’t to sure about him. Time will tell!! Everything in the dark always comes to the light.

Now the real surprise is Coach. I emailed him. He emailed me. We talked on IM (instant message) this morning. Could there be something there??? It is funny how my life took on some excitement. He is on the ball of keeping in touch. We will see how this plays out. I have never been the groupie type. 

I mentioned that New England Patriot that wanted to sleep with me in the last post. Further explanation: I was at a cookout. I had no idea who he was. I have never been interested in sports. He let me know he played for the team. Which I wasnt impressed because sports never held my interests. He proceed to ask me when we could sleep together even thought he was married. I thought to myself this guy has a nerve and a big ass ego. I had to deflate it. I was not interested in him or his offer. So that was my one bout with someone with some fame. I am not going to sell my soul to the devil.

So if Coach is interested I have no problem going on a date. My life picked up all in one night. The night I was determined to stay home and be depressed. I owe thanks to ( My friend) for making me go out!!!

She has been my homegirl for years. She kicked me in the booty on Saturdaym, about wasting my time being depressed. It is great to have good friends who don’t put up with your BULL SHIT!!!!

11 years too long

Atlanta cityscape

Image via Wikipedia

I have almost been in Georgia 11 years. Damn those years went quick. I remember when I moved to this state. I really wanted to go to NC. The problem was I didn’t know anyone in that state. The one girl I met didn’t really keep in touch. I was scared to move there and not know anyone.

My cousins were in the Atlanta area. Granted I don’t talk to them now. Which is a long story family dramas. The few cousins I did talk to move. One moved because it was better for her and her kids. The other for a job opportunity. We were roommates for three years.

Atlanta was party central when I first got here. I enjoyed every bit of it. It was great since my college years sucked the big one. Yes I was fat and insecure and lonely during college. I had friends a few male interest. I didn’t party. I missed out on all that. Due to my weight and lack of money to purchase cute outfits. They were not the greatest years of my life at all. I called home several times crying and wanted to come home.

My mother not the most sensitive person didn’t help my drama. She just yelled at me “What the hell are you going to do than”. Not the loving arms I was hoping to run into. I thought to myself I am not going home to this mean heifer I might as well stay.  My mom is one of the reasons I have a degree. Thank you mom!!

I moved here and went to so many clubs and events. I had lost 100 pounds a few years before and these people didn’t know me fat. It was beyond great.

The parties ended. Actually I wasn’t interested in them any longer. That is when I should have bolted from this place. Now looking back that was my moment I should have gotten the hell out.

I hate change. Even thought I needed one big time. I didn’t do it. I regret that so much. If I could have predicted this damn housing crises. I know a lot of people wish they could have also. When I was pushed to the brink, jobless, depressed and alone I was ready to move. It was the worse timing in the world. Right when the bubble burst on the housing market.

I go back and forth about being in this state. It has been my home for 11 years. I will never claim I am a Georgia Peach. I don’t care how long I am in this state. I am a Bostonian. Born and breed and will always be.

I can still leave as people keep telling me. The problem is I do not want to be a landlord. I want to leve here with no ties. Which would not be the situation at present. I am blessed for many reasons. Not content but blessed. I have to keep forcing myself to remember that.