I am having a hard time keeping up with this blog, my youtube channel. The book I have been writing hasn’t been touched in two months. These are the things I enjoy and I haven’t been doing them.
I can blame that on autism and partly my motivation and depression issues. I love this blog. I kept deciding to move it somewhere on the net where I can get paid. I tried with WordPress but I don’t have the kind of traffic they are looking for.
Expressing my feelings on this blog keeps me sane. So I decided to keep it here and because it does more for me then any check would.
I wish I had more time to work on things I like to do. A few days I just turned everything off and worked on an adult coloring book. Just to distract my mind from negative things. I have run out of topics for my youtube channel. Which has more to do with writing them down when I think of them?
I haven’t kept up with my routines that have kept all the balls in the air. I talked to my doctor about being depressed. I actually broke down and cried in her office. I wasn’t prepared for my own tears. She looked at me with concern and gave me Welbutrin. Which is supposed to help me with this 100 pounds I gained and depression. I have only been on it a few weeks. A very low dose, I was getting headaches daily. That has gone away thank god.
They say it takes a few weeks to feel effects. I am waiting patiently. I need some relief from my brain. Thank God they like me at work and I have no issues there. If that was also a problem I don’t know how I would cope.
Every time I go to Ava school I am disappointed. Yes, she is progressing. Not at the rate or speed, I was hoping. With every appointment, I get closer to the realization that she might never talk. Also could need to care the rest of her life. I know she is young. Those things might are might not happen. The problem is the fear is there for me. The fear I will never be able to have a conversation with my daughter.
Why is so hard for me to remain positive. I asked her BCBA what are your concerns. He said I don’t have any concerns. You should have seen the look on my face. I can’t live in this Candy Land reality. Everything is not beautiful and great. What are your damn concerns I wanted to scream?
I controlled myself and put it another way. He relented and said it takes her 500 trials to learn something. He said they are working on that to bring that number down. I look in my baby face. It looks just like mine. I want the best for her. I want her life full of everything mine was full with.
Yes, I am an Autism Mom. I know I will be fighting for a long time. When I am in these monthly meetings listening to the small progress. I know this post sounds like I am bitching, which I am. I would like to relate I am happy with the small progression. My biggest complaint is I can’t talk to my child.
Her communication 90% of the time tears. God, please help me!!! Help me to be able to handle anything that will happen in the future. Help me to stop worrying about it and do what needs to be done.
Ava does not have a variety of food that she eats. Not to mention I am not cook of the year. It is so frustrating that she will put random things in her mouth. When I offer her something different from her limited menu she acts like I am trying to kill her. She gives me the stank bitch face. If she could talk I feel she would be saying bitch you can’t be serious. I am not eating that.
I push it in her mouth to give it a try. I am not going to feed her something she really doesn’t want. If she never tastes it she won’t know if she likes it.
Now we are at the point if it is something she likes she will feed herself. If it’s something not on her list of likes, I have to feed it to her. So a few days ago, I got her to eat salmon and mash potatoes. I covered the salmon in the potatoes to achieve this success. She had me chasing her around the house with the food. Surprisingly she opened her mouth. Not how I wanted it to go, but shit I will take that.
I decided she will eat the school food. I want to see if they can get her to eat other things. I will send snacks that she likes if she totally refuses. I know most 2 years old are picky eaters. I also know this has a lot to do with autism.
They say there is a lot of adjustment being an autism mom. I can’t say I really have to adjust, being that she is my only child and the diagnoses have been with us for over a year.
I still have high hopes for my baby. No one is telling me she won’t succeed. The general answer is I DON’T KNOW. Which is an answer I hate? Tell me she is going to be perfect. Lie to me!!!
OK, I really don’t want to be lied to. Sometimes I wouldn’t mind a lie or two. 🙂