Developmentally not five!!

Ava will be five in a few days. I swear to look at her is looking into the mirror. We look so much alike. I love that she looked like me. I prayed for her to look like me. Five years went by so quickly.

I can’t say I hadn’t pictured what it would be like to have a little me around. I thought she would be talking me to death. I thought she would be hilarious and had me laughing all the time.

Ava is not talking me to death. She isn’t doing anything I dreamed about. She is not developmentally 5 years old. I believe she is a few years behind. Will she catch up, I hope so.

My life has been so unpredictable. I swore when I was in high school fat and feeling less than my peers. I would have never imagined any of the events of my life. Life is stranger than fiction.

My baby has been making progress. Not fast pace, not what I hoped for. Progress none the less. God has humbled me in so many ways. Ava diagnosis has shown me what I am made of.

Granted not always the mom I want to be. I can be jealous of what others do not have to deal with. Jealous of not having a husband. Jealous of not having a regular sex life. Jealous of not living my dreams. Jealous of finding myself so late in life. Jealous of people who do not have my worries.

I try every day to be the mom I feel Ava deserves.

Charity Autism Gala

I was invited to attend the Doug Flutie Jr. Gala. I rejected the invitation at first. Due to my fat ass did not want to shop for a dress. I have been wearing the same yoga pants for two years now. Not the same ones. I bought 10 pairs of the same black pants. Yes, that is me no originality or effort. I am glad I work at a job that the dress code is not that serious. When I first started there, I was a reasonable size.

Then I noticed after working there for a while not many were dressed for the runway. I worked into a uniform of comfort. I have an incredibly boring job. Sitting there all day being uncomfortable is not the move.

So I bought the bullet bought a dress I didn’t like, but it fits. Yes, that was the primary requirement it meets. I purchased a Spanx and a brand new bra. Then I found an essential pair of shoes on clearance at DSW.

I wasn’t feeling my choices, but they were going to get me through. I hate that I am at this point. There was a large part of my life where I really like how I looked in clothes. This is not the case at the moment.

We created gift bags for the event. I put a copy of my book in every gift basket. Then I brought in three copies with me. The event was beautiful. I met a lot of great people.

Laura Flutie spoke. Her words brought me to tears. She said her 27-year-old son said, momma. She cried, and I was crying. I walked up to her at the end of the event. I told her she made me cry because I want to hear mama from my child in the worst way. She was being pulled away in every direction. She looked me in the eyes and said she really wanted to talk to me. I waited for a few minutes. Then thought to myself this is her family event and she has to be very busy. They were taking pictures and talking to her. I walked away appreciating she talked to me at all.

I was talking to the woman who invited me. Laura Flutie comes up with the biggest smile, and we had a great conversation. She made my night. The fact that she came and found me was unbelievable. I gave her a copy of my book. She took a picture with me and the book. I have to say I am glad I didn’t let my insecurities prevent me from this event.

Where have I been???

I have been somewhat consistent with this blog. When I could update it at work, I had the content flowing. Now that time is not my friend, I try and write several posts in one sitting. Well Ava has been going to sleep with Melatonin by 7:30pm. I swear I am so tired I sleep shortly after.

She started waking up in the middle of the night again. So my sleep is all fucked up. Excuse the swearing, but that is all I got at the moment. I am going to do better with this blog. Even though it has been a hobby. I can never seem to figure out how to make money on social media.

This blog was created because I do love to write, even though my grammar sucks. My married ex-boyfriend. (had to say that being men who date me tend to get married) Said if I wanted to get better at writing I need to practice. He created this blog for me and gave me the password.

So years have passed. I was friends with him, but he dropped me because of the marriage. Which I don’t blame him, we weren’t that great of friends. I tend to have a habit of calling my ex for validation. I haven’t done it in years. I am going to keep that chapter closed. Except for the one guy on Facebook that has been married and divorced twice after we dated. He loves finding me on Facebook and reminiscing. I have to say I enjoy it also. Did I make a mistake leaving him? Two ex-wives might say no!! I can’t focus on my past because that is something with no repeat.

I can’t focus on the future because I tend to have a negative outlook lately. I am going to stay firmly in the present.

Speech Apraxia/Nonverbal Autism

Two different speech therapist years apart has stated Ava has speech Apraxia.

Definition: Children with apraxia have difficulty coordinating the use of their tongue, lips, mouth, and jaw to produce clear and consistent speech sounds. … Speech-language pathologists have specialized training in distinguishing a broad variety of speech-language problems, many of which overlap

I wanted to know if there was a diagnosis for this. I kicked up a lot. Emailing her pediatrician the speech therapist at the children’s hospital. All that to find out a child needs about 50 words to be diagnosed with the condition.

I understand but when it is clear many children that are nonverbal have this. Why hasn’t it been studied and protocols on how to treat it been created??? What is the point to say this when there is nothing you can do about it.

Ava has no interest in talking. She doesn’t make an attempt or even tries. The whole speech therapy can be painful when you have a child barely participating. If I had the money and time, I would take her to speech five days a week. So unrealistic but that is how much I am invested in hearing my child’s voice.

 

The FAT chronicles!!

I grew up fat, so none of this should be a surprise. Being overweight at 8 years old to 24. I lost a hundred pounds in my early twenties. Through a 12 step food program. Yes, treating food like it is alcohol actually worked. Granted I could never remain totally clean. I also would stay at a size 14 the highest for years. At times getting down to a size 8.

When Ava was diagnosed I was on my way back to that 8. The 12 step food program wants a lot from me. They wanted me to go to three meetings a week. Talk to a sponsor every morning and commit to my food plan. Also, talk about my issues. It actually worked for the most part.

After Ava diagnosis, I didn’t have the time to commit to the program. It was easier to do when I was single with no commitments. Right now I am a single mother, with a very helpful grandmother. My mother helps in ways I couldn’t repay. I know Ava is her only grandbaby. I also subsidize my mother’s income which helps her to enjoy her retirement. Ava doesn’t stop, some days she is chill, but most days she is bouncing off the walls. I couldn’t ask my mother to watch her more then she does.

All that to say my weight has ballooned and I regret it, but I needed something to cope. Thank God it wasn’t drugs or alcohol because that wouldn’t have helped the situation. I did try three different anti-depressants. The first one I broke out in hives that didn’t go away for three weeks. The second, my eye felt like it was going to pop out of my head. The third one gave me suicidal thought. I called that doctor and told her I was done. I let her know none of these medications will take my daughters Autism away. I know that sounds like I have something against Autism. I do not, I love my baby. I am worried about how the world will treat or miss treat her because she does not talk. I can’t get past that fear. It keeps me up, it makes me nervous, it puts fear in my heart.

I ask God every day to give my baby a voice.

Working on my book

I have been working on this book for two years. I actually have several books on my computer that I have started and have not completed. The book I am trying to get published is about autism. It came to me reading a blog from an autism mom. She stated her son had superpowers and he was here to help the normal people.

My book premise Autism is not a disability it is a superpower. I kept reading my book over and over and I doubt myself in every way. I will agree my grammar is the worst. I have all these stories in my head. If I could be a writer and be able to support Ava and I would have won the lottery.

When Kim Porter Died, P-diddy baby mama at 47 years old, I thought why am I not taking the plunge. What do I have to lose? I only have possible gains. I started working on publishing it on Amazon. I did not realize that is not as easy as I thought. There is a lot I have to teach myself to get the process done.

I need to market the book and have a plan. I have to learn the Kindle direct system. It took me two hours to get the margins correct. I know excel, Microsoft word is not my wheelhouse.

I won 1000 buck on a lottery ticket. I decided to buy a laptop. I sit at a desk all day at work. Sometimes I like to lay in my bed and work on things. I had to buy Microsoft office. I tried to use my old copy that was a no go.

I am hoping to have it out there by February. I will keep this blog posted on the progress. Pray for me doubt can be a killer.

Endless Doctor’s appointments!!

Even though I have a neurological condition, I do not go the doctors much. I have been depressed lately. I have been on three antidepressants. The first two was crazy side effects. The third made me more depressed. I asked the doctor what are these drugs supposed to do. It won’t take my child’s autism away.

I don’t care that Ava has autism. The things that go with Ava needs and meltdowns etc. takes a toll. On my mind and my view of her future. So yes I cried in this woman’s office. Handing out pills. Before the third perscription, I told her drugs are not for me. I have to deal with my problems.

She then pushed me to try another prescription. Once the doom and gloom came, I left a message to get me the hell off these pills safely I am having dangerous thoughts. The doctor called me and said we will talk about it the next appointments. I canceled that appointment. I am done with antidepressants. I know they help people. They don’t help me at all.

So this added appointments that added to Ava endless appointments. I have to say I still am depressed. It is manageable. I feel a lot better than being on those drugs. I need to lose 100 pounds. That is what I am going to work on going forward. #autismmom

Having a Hard Time

I am having a hard time with Ava being nonverbal. I am trying to stay optimistic. There is a real possibility she might never gain language. The one thing I know is she is stubborn.

The first week of speech therapy she imitated a few times. Then she did it a few times at school. Then radio silences. We went to the speech today and she got her to repeat one sound. I told I will take that. I rather have something than nothing.

The challenges of life are no joke. My aunt died and I have to say I am still shaken. Here one day gone the next. Life is so fleeting. I thought things were challenging in my life. Then God shows me those things were nothing.

I am blessed in many ways. The struggle is real. I am having a hard time keeping my emotions in check. I call my Louisanna boyfriend. An autism father I met on Facebook. He doesn’t judge and sometimes you have to just blurt out your feelings with no judgment. God brought him into my life right on time.

I talked to him weekly. I don’t have to be the strong Mom when I talk to him. I can complain about all my fears and frustration and he is there. All the men I had in and out my life I never had a man with that level of concern for my feelings. He is a great father and a great friend.

God sent him to me. He understands having an autistic child of his own. That no judgment is so important.

This day was the worst!!

Ok yes, I am waiting to hit it big on youtube. The more subs come significant problems. I would like to make Youtube passive income. My 1400 subscribers are not going to make that happen.

It is better than the 200 I had a year ago. Now I decided to go big or go home. I have subscribed to a few things to help me with my social media presence. I feel like a teenager would have made it easier.

The one teenager at my disposal said she is not big on social media. My shit luck there. I paid for this site to help increase my twitter following that in turns would push my Youtube channel. It worked in a way. I got some exciting guys on my youtube channel now. I would have never thought they would be in my content, but I was pleasantly surprised.

I also invested in a Grammarly to help with my major grammar issues. I wanted this blog to read better. I hope you guys noticed the difference. I also need help with the grammar of my book. The book that has been on hold due to time for a few months.

I take one Saturday a month to work on Youtube filming. I got a new Canon T7i for my birthday. It wasn’t the camera I wanted. Amazon third party made a mistake and gave me the more expensive camera. 200 bucks more expensive.

I thought that was a great mistake. The camera I originally wanted had a pretty cool auto mode, so you didn’t have to be a camera connoisseur. Now the T7i is a beast with a lot of options that is killing me to figure out. Especially when you have a toddler who wants a hug every five minutes want to climb on you every ten minutes.

I had it connected to my phone so I could remote use the camera through my cell phone. My ass forgot I got a new cell phone. Samsung s9 and it was not connected. Something that should have taken ten minutes. Took an hour and a half. Then I filmed eight videos. Downloaded them and found them all to be blurry. I thought WTF!!!

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Eight videos that I couldn’t post. There had been so much time since I last filmed I didn’t remember what the hell to do. So I decided to film them over. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t miss my personal promise to have two videos a week. Well, they are in focus, but they are darker than I like. I did the same thing four times.

Not only did it seem impossible. I will be posting these darker videos. I felt like an awful mother because Ava was like pay attention to me. I also broke the screen of one of her tablets. Yes, she has two. When one dies, she gets the other. Don’t come for me. dont judge me lady gaga GIF-source I have to keep her occupied sometimes. A lot of the time.  I am getting caught up with my various projects. 3 min and I am heading to the bathroom again. I have to stay on my potty training schedule. I can’t be the bullshit parent at the autism center. I am praying enough money hits my life. Then I can work part-time and do all the things I want to do. My fantasy is always better than my reality.

Keeping up is hard!!

I am having a hard time keeping up with this blog, my youtube channel. The book I have been writing hasn’t been touched in two months. These are the things I enjoy and I haven’t been doing them.

I can blame that on autism and partly my motivation and depression issues. I love this blog. I kept deciding to move it somewhere on the net where I can get paid. I tried with WordPress but I don’t have the kind of traffic they are looking for.

Expressing my feelings on this blog keeps me sane. So I decided to keep it here and because it does more for me then any check would.

I wish I had more time to work on things I like to do. A few days I just turned everything off and worked on an adult coloring book. Just to distract my mind from negative things. I have run out of topics for my youtube channel. Which has more to do with writing them down when I think of them?

I haven’t kept up with my routines that have kept all the balls in the air. I talked to my doctor about being depressed. I actually broke down and cried in her office. I wasn’t prepared for my own tears. She looked at me with concern and gave me Welbutrin. Which is supposed to help me with this 100 pounds I gained and depression. I have only been on it a few weeks. A very low dose, I was getting headaches daily. That has gone away thank god.

They say it takes a few weeks to feel effects. I am waiting patiently. I need some relief from my brain. Thank God they like me at work and I have no issues there. If that was also a problem I don’t know how I would cope.