Another diagnosis

Childhood speech Apraxia

Ava speech therapist at the autism center says she has Apraxia. I don’t know how I feel about it. I am happy if this diagnosis will get my baby to talk. To learn that my baby brain is not working correctly for her to talk is heartbreaking. I wanted some good news. I am not sure if they are good. I asked her if she has seen 3-year-olds talk and catch up with this Apraxia. She said she has. So I am keeping hope alive.

Praying hard to finally hear the words mommy on a regular basis. She has only been in the autism center for two months. It seems that she is doing well. I want things to go faster, but it seems to be going on her own terms.

I have to be patient and let the process work. I am advocating on every front. The OT wants her to get a feeding evaluation at children’s hospital. My baby has a lot of issues. From muscle tone, speech, sensory, feeding. I wish we could catch a break some damn where. I know things could be worse. I am just in my why my brain tonight. Hopefully, it will change tomorrow.

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Angels in my life

I have people in my life who are angels. They might not realize it. I should spend more time telling them. I have a friend who reads my blog religiously and sends me a text about my updates. My friends who haven’t forgotten about me when I left Atlanta. A lot of folks forgot about me when I first left Boston and moved to Atlanta. Ava god mother who I met in 1997 at my first job out of college.

She is one of the few who stay in contact and visited and her friendship never wavered even after I left my place of birth. She still is inviting and enjoy my friendship as I do hers. My friend that came to visit me and wouldn’t take no for an answer. We enjoyed Boston in a way I never have before.

The woman I met in an Autism Group who took it upon herself to guide me in the struggles of being a #autism mom. My friend and I (my other autism mom buddy) bought this woman a gift. I tried to compliment her in several ways. She is so humble she never really accepts my compliment. She is the reason Ava is at the autism center. She guided my friend and I with so many resources. How do you THANK a person like that? How do I show God god blessed me by bringing her in my life at the right time?  I bought her a plaque. I cropped out her name on the top.

autism mom

We are also going to give her 100 Visa gift card. She deserves ten times more. My mother and my aunt. They drive me crazy, but their love for me has never wavered. Their love for Ava is strong. They are my number one angels!! They are my up front village. That makes my journey in motherhood not so lonely.

Tears for my baby!!!

I wanted to start with I schedule these post out. So I can keep a constant flow of content. I write them when I have the time or during my emotional dramas. This particular Sunday I woke up with nothing to do. I feel like a horrible parent if I kept my child in the house too often. I called a friend who loves us to come over. I never go over there. I knew her since the third grade. Ava loves it at her house. I have no real reason why I don’t go over there more often. She has four kids. Her oldest is adopted her only girl which she took her in after her mother died. A friend of hers from High School. We went to a very big High School so I didn’t know the girl until years after we graduated. Her daughter loves playing with Ava and watching her. Which gives me a big break. I can actually converse with my friend and feel like I can have some adult time. 20708309_10154739282880785_1644540416486451776_n

Well her youngest is two and we had a cute conversation. He likes Ava to and kept bringing her toys. He would say this is for Ava that is for Ava. I told my friend I wish Ava could talk. She is over a year older than her son. She said don’t compare them. He doesn’t have autism. I know she is right but my soul was sinking hearing this little boy talk to me and ask me questions.

We stayed for several hours. I got in the car ready to go. I cried all the way home. I want to hear my baby voice. I want to hear mommy come from her lips. No one can tell me she will talk. I mean no one will say those words. My now close friend who daughter goes to the autism center with Ava. We put them in together. They told her, her daughter will talk. She is saying her ABC’s and singing songs. She has also been in preschool for a year and is older than Ava. I know these kids are all different. I know I can’t predict the future and no one else can. Please God Please give my baby words. Help her to be successful and be able to handle life on her own. My worries my fears are great. My love is deep, my heart is broken with this word I never dreamed would be a part of my life. AUTISM

Transporation Drama

I took Ava first day of school/medical ABA. The transportation went smoothly. Then they sent us a new woman driver the next day. She was half an hour late to pick up Ava. They are having issues getting a female monitor. They have one in the morning. They seem to be coming back in the evening without one.

Now my new thing is that my child is safe. I don’t want to nit pick. They need to be on time. So on Day three late again. On day two the car seat I had for Ava wasn’t the greatest. She was climbing out of it while she was driving. This is where a monitor would have come in handy. Thank god the other little girl’s mom let the driver use her daughter’s car seat to get Ava home safely.

I thought all this was stressful as hell. I was going to go to Baby R Us and get another car seat with a harness. When I dropped off the car seat back to the mother who let Ava use it. She suggested I use the expensive car seat I have in my car until I get another one. I thought was a good idea because I really didn’t feel like looking for a car seat. I worked all day and tired as hell.

That car seat has not been moved in two years. Can I tell you it weighs a ton? So I was going to have my elderly mom carry that heavy ass car seat. Then the driver couldn’t figure out how to use it properly. They were 40 min late.

I went to Baby R Us on my lunch break and bought a new car seat. I also called the owner of the transportation company and complained. I hope everything works better. Three days in and all this foolishness.

My bitching worked!!!

Still waiting on the Autism Center. The coordinator from the IEP sends me an email that she got into the preschool I wanted her in. I bitched sooo hard for that preschool. The coordinator emailed me as soon as she found out. Which would have been great news until I changed course.

Now waiting for the autism center. I haven’t let go of any of the original services. Always have that plan B. She can not sit in the house all day every day. She will get services one way or another.

I feel the autism center will be the best for her. I don’t know what God has planned for my child.

Autism Center Evaulation

We were approved for the Eval with much arguing with the insurance company. I brought my aunt with me for a second opinion. When you don’t have a man in your life, the family will do. Ava couldn’t wait to get into the center. She could see all the toys from the office we were in. She was looking over the child gate, with bated breath.  As soon as the gate was opened, “see ya ma”  is what she would have said if she could talk.

While they were doing the testing, We went in the room with the owner for the questions she had for me.  I was glad my aunt came but she kind of got on my nerves a little. This is the first autism thing she has been to. So she was asking a question from her base of knowledge which was little. Asking questions, Why are there so many kids with autism? What changed over the years? Those questions are great. She needed to look them up online. I had questions for the present situations. I interrupted my aunt and touched her a few times to shut up.

She asked me before the visit if she could ask questions in her defense. I wanted to ask about the center and Ava being there. Not general autism questions. I asked if she could give my aunt a tour. She was happy to.

My aunt loved the place and felt this was a great option for Ava. I know I felt that way but having a second opinion that was making the right choice made me feel great.

I put in for the transportation. I wanted it to be ready and waiting for her first day. If they were any hiccups I wanted it taken care of before we needed it.  Ann from my autism group IM me the language for the transportation. I am so thankful I met this woman. I am defiantly getting her a gift and the woman who started the organization once everything is done and Ava starts this program. Finger still crossed no more hiccups in the process of Ava first day.

Hard day!!!

I was hit with a blow. My insurance doesn’t want to pay for the ABA center. In this place call the Untied States with it bullshit for profit insurance companies. Thank god for the woman who works at this place. She told me another family with my same insurance company didn’t want to fight it. WTF, I told her I pay a lot of damn money for my insurance fight those bastards. There is a mandate in Massachusetts to pay for autism therapies. They are saying they will pay for home, not center.

She played the single mother card. Told them I am at work paying for their insurance how the hell can I be home for her therapy. I thought to go girl!!, God is putting these Angels in my life to bless my baby with the things she needs. She got them to concede and they allowed the payment for the initial evaluation.

The insurance company called me and try to talk me out of the center by saying it will be 30 bucks a day. The lady at the center said don’t listen to that bullshit. They don’t have an in-network option so it will not be 30 bucks a day. They are riding the line of legality. The autism center said they have no problem sending a letter from legal.

Also with a mother love I called and harrassed for my secondary insurance for Ava disability to be approved by the state. I should have done it a lot earlier. God on my side it all came through they same day of the bad news of my insurance company being a bunch of assholes.

So even if it was 30 bucks a day. It should be covered by my secondary insurance. The secondary insurance will also pay for transportation for Ava to the center every day. They gave me a premium for this insurance. Which was not outrageous. I would have squeezed it out of my budget even if I had to charge it.

I was approved for premium assistance and it was covered. I told the woman at premium assistance she was my angel. They had a 90-day backlog. This woman did mine in one day. Yes, one damn day. God was so on my side. So no money out of my pocket and my baby get what she needs. We still have a few hurdles before she actually starts. Every hurdle can stop her going to Autism center in its tracks. So far we are still on the road to success. Please pray for my baby. I have been asking for prayers from everyone. I don’t care who you worship or pray to. Send one up for my baby.

Depression and complaining

I am not a complainer. I have suffered from depression my whole life. Doctors have always said it isn’t bad enough to go on drugs. Which I don’t want to go on drugs. I took them one time and the outcome was crazy. I have enough drugs I have to take for my neurological condition.

So a friend said she had a bone to pick with me. No need to go into all of it. Then I said look I am depressed and have a lot going on in my life. She said to see a therapist. I told her where am I supposed to fit that in. Here are my issues with a therapist. You have to have time for them. Which I don’t. It is hard to find one you like. Not all therapist are equal. I have been to therapist lets say five times in my life. I only had success with one. The woman that was there for me when I had all those miscarriages and thought I would never be a mother. That lady was great.

My friend said why didn’t I say anything to her about my depression. I am not a complainer. Complaining doesn’t get anyone anywhere. I know a few women in my life that will let the complaints fly. Now I there is a difference from sharing the hard things going on in your life to straight up complaining. I have friends I share with. Complaining I don’t do. There is nothing to be gained. What can anyone do about my depression. I can’t do anything about anyone else depression.

I am not a therapist and I actually have a friend finishing a school for therapy. She said we are friends and she can’t be my therapist. I still run things by her. LOLOL.

I remember someone telling me why  complain no one is listening.!!!

All about Ava

I did a montage with Ava videos on my Youtube channel. It is so funny how I have this channel, and I don’t have a whole lot of videos of her.  I found these old video’s which I wanted to share. I noticed she did look at me when she was young. I have no idea when the eye contact went away. Someone asked me how old was she when this happen to that. All having to do with things of autism. I have to say I don’t know. I wasn’t paying attention. This journey of autism and Ava had all to do with her lack of words. The rest went over my head.

Introvert Guilt

I can be in the house all the time with no light and never want to leave. I have always been an introvert. Sometimes my house being a safe haven was much more comfortable to me than going out into the world. I will go to work by groceries and pay my bills. My free time would be in the house entertaining myself with movies, online, etc. I never felt like I was missing anything. I was in my own world of happiness.

Now with a child, I feel guilty about that tendency of mine. If she could talk I would like her to give me insight on what she wants to do. I have no idea if my daughter loves the park to the mall. She actually shows no excitement for either.  The only time I saw a real smile was the trampoline place. We have been twice and going again this month.

I knew I would have to get out the house when I had a kid. I was hoping that kid could help me with the process. My daughter isn’t capable of that help. She also doesn’t seem to care if she is the living room all day with her tablet, TV, and toys.

She does like to leave the house. We were at the door about to leave. I forgot something closed the door to get it. She fell to the floor upset that we weren’t leaving. Ava is really a go with the flow type. I had the last visit with the BSBA (supervisor) ABA person. She said she has progressed and does not have the behavior issues. I am really thankful for that. I enjoyed staying in the house this weekend. She woke up at 4 am two nights in a row. My mother lets me have a nap. I slept for three and half hours.  I let Ava have a late night which I will pay for when it is really time to go to bed. I needed a break. So I let her sleep. The shit you do to survive mentally. #mommyproblems