Endless Doctor’s appointments!!

Even though I have a neurological condition, I do not go the doctors much. I have been depressed lately. I have been on three antidepressants. The first two was crazy side effects. The third made me more depressed. I asked the doctor what are these drugs supposed to do. It won’t take my child’s autism away.

I don’t care that Ava has autism. The things that go with Ava needs and meltdowns etc. takes a toll. On my mind and my view of her future. So yes I cried in this woman’s office. Handing out pills. Before the third perscription, I told her drugs are not for me. I have to deal with my problems.

She then pushed me to try another prescription. Once the doom and gloom came, I left a message to get me the hell off these pills safely I am having dangerous thoughts. The doctor called me and said we will talk about it the next appointments. I canceled that appointment. I am done with antidepressants. I know they help people. They don’t help me at all.

So this added appointments that added to Ava endless appointments. I have to say I still am depressed. It is manageable. I feel a lot better than being on those drugs. I need to lose 100 pounds. That is what I am going to work on going forward. #autismmom

Having a Hard Time

I am having a hard time with Ava being nonverbal. I am trying to stay optimistic. There is a real possibility she might never gain language. The one thing I know is she is stubborn.

The first week of speech therapy she imitated a few times. Then she did it a few times at school. Then radio silences. We went to the speech today and she got her to repeat one sound. I told I will take that. I rather have something than nothing.

The challenges of life are no joke. My aunt died and I have to say I am still shaken. Here one day gone the next. Life is so fleeting. I thought things were challenging in my life. Then God shows me those things were nothing.

I am blessed in many ways. The struggle is real. I am having a hard time keeping my emotions in check. I call my Louisanna boyfriend. An autism father I met on Facebook. He doesn’t judge and sometimes you have to just blurt out your feelings with no judgment. God brought him into my life right on time.

I talked to him weekly. I don’t have to be the strong Mom when I talk to him. I can complain about all my fears and frustration and he is there. All the men I had in and out my life I never had a man with that level of concern for my feelings. He is a great father and a great friend.

God sent him to me. He understands having an autistic child of his own. That no judgment is so important.

This day was the worst!!

Ok yes, I am waiting to hit it big on youtube. The more subs come significant problems. I would like to make Youtube passive income. My 1400 subscribers are not going to make that happen.

It is better than the 200 I had a year ago. Now I decided to go big or go home. I have subscribed to a few things to help me with my social media presence. I feel like a teenager would have made it easier.

The one teenager at my disposal said she is not big on social media. My shit luck there. I paid for this site to help increase my twitter following that in turns would push my Youtube channel. It worked in a way. I got some exciting guys on my youtube channel now. I would have never thought they would be in my content, but I was pleasantly surprised.

I also invested in a Grammarly to help with my major grammar issues. I wanted this blog to read better. I hope you guys noticed the difference. I also need help with the grammar of my book. The book that has been on hold due to time for a few months.

I take one Saturday a month to work on Youtube filming. I got a new Canon T7i for my birthday. It wasn’t the camera I wanted. Amazon third party made a mistake and gave me the more expensive camera. 200 bucks more expensive.

I thought that was a great mistake. The camera I originally wanted had a pretty cool auto mode, so you didn’t have to be a camera connoisseur. Now the T7i is a beast with a lot of options that is killing me to figure out. Especially when you have a toddler who wants a hug every five minutes want to climb on you every ten minutes.

I had it connected to my phone so I could remote use the camera through my cell phone. My ass forgot I got a new cell phone. Samsung s9 and it was not connected. Something that should have taken ten minutes. Took an hour and a half. Then I filmed eight videos. Downloaded them and found them all to be blurry. I thought WTF!!!

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Eight videos that I couldn’t post. There had been so much time since I last filmed I didn’t remember what the hell to do. So I decided to film them over. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t miss my personal promise to have two videos a week. Well, they are in focus, but they are darker than I like. I did the same thing four times.

Not only did it seem impossible. I will be posting these darker videos. I felt like an awful mother because Ava was like pay attention to me. I also broke the screen of one of her tablets. Yes, she has two. When one dies, she gets the other. Don’t come for me. dont judge me lady gaga GIF-source I have to keep her occupied sometimes. A lot of the time.  I am getting caught up with my various projects. 3 min and I am heading to the bathroom again. I have to stay on my potty training schedule. I can’t be the bullshit parent at the autism center. I am praying enough money hits my life. Then I can work part-time and do all the things I want to do. My fantasy is always better than my reality.

Keeping up is hard!!

I am having a hard time keeping up with this blog, my youtube channel. The book I have been writing hasn’t been touched in two months. These are the things I enjoy and I haven’t been doing them.

I can blame that on autism and partly my motivation and depression issues. I love this blog. I kept deciding to move it somewhere on the net where I can get paid. I tried with WordPress but I don’t have the kind of traffic they are looking for.

Expressing my feelings on this blog keeps me sane. So I decided to keep it here and because it does more for me then any check would.

I wish I had more time to work on things I like to do. A few days I just turned everything off and worked on an adult coloring book. Just to distract my mind from negative things. I have run out of topics for my youtube channel. Which has more to do with writing them down when I think of them?

I haven’t kept up with my routines that have kept all the balls in the air. I talked to my doctor about being depressed. I actually broke down and cried in her office. I wasn’t prepared for my own tears. She looked at me with concern and gave me Welbutrin. Which is supposed to help me with this 100 pounds I gained and depression. I have only been on it a few weeks. A very low dose, I was getting headaches daily. That has gone away thank god.

They say it takes a few weeks to feel effects. I am waiting patiently. I need some relief from my brain. Thank God they like me at work and I have no issues there. If that was also a problem I don’t know how I would cope.

Babbling on Fire!!

Ava has been doing a lot of babbling. Please God let it be words on the horizon. The speech therapist said it is the pre-cursor to words. Even with those positive words, no one gives you to much hope. They don’t want to be wrong and get you worked up.

Autism has shown me what I am made of. I look at myself and even though my advocating is on fire. I feel like I am losing myself on regular bases.

I was talking to my boss and she asked me if I cry I see so strong. Tears come out of these eyes. Even though I love the women I met on this autism journey. They are amazing people. I would take all that away and not think twice if I could take away my child’s autism.

I know that isn’t the politically correct thing to say. I love my child, but do I really want to deal with all this entails hell no. I know others have it worst. I still can’t help the way I feel. She gave me the gift of motherhood. My wish and a prayer turned into a child that looks like me.

I love her face and I want to hear her voice. That is my major wish to hear her talk to me. Tell me off, tell me she loves me. I love my baby regardless. I am having a hard day. Forgive me!!!

Some Bullshit

A person contacted me to interview me about being a single mother by choice and my Youtube channel. I waited for her to call during our appointment we set up and no call. I am sick of being disappointed. It was known skin off my back really. I was really excited that a major magazine was interested in my story. To be honest it was an email online. I have no idea if this person was real.

I work through a lot of disappointment. When you feel you always get the short end of the stick. Every time I complain, I always feel like shit because I have a very decent life. My child is autistic with seizures, which is a club I would have never joined on my own. I don’t think anyone wants a membership to that club. I saw this on Facebook and I had hope again.

24991368_1884062021622521_4329735449812239914_nThe hope ends when I stop striving. Whatever the outcome I need to continue the fight. The fight for my child and my dreams. Which my child was a dream that came to reality. So her talking and living the greatest life can be another dream come true!!

Upcoming MRI

I had to schedule an MRI for Ava. I pushed it back as far as they would let me. I know this is crazy but I am not looking forward to this test.

They have to put her to sleep. Which scares the shit out of me. I did an MRI in my teenage years. It feels like you are in a coffin. I am praying there isn’t anything wrong with my baby. I hope the seizures will never happen again. Now I am in no rush to put her in her own room. We can share indefinitely.  I canceled my appointments because I have so many for Ava. Mine can wait a few months. I know I have to take care of myself. I am taking a lot of time off work for Ava and I need my job. I don’t want them giving me the side eye.

I really like my job. Even though they are about to take our parking and making our park in the neighborhood. Why do I find these job with parking issues I do not know.

Feeding Evaulation

I was freaking out about the food I was bringing to the evaluation. I stress over the little things. Finding parking was a nightmare. If anyone knows where Boston Children’s Hospital is located, you know it is a traffic nightmare. The test was three buildings over from the hospital. I went to two different parking lot to finally end up in the correct one.

Ava ended up eating Mac & Cheese and mandarin oranges. The verdict she has no physical issue why she doesn’t eat but four things.

She said her food choices are sensory. She had some dried veggies and Ava brought it to her lips. She didn’t take a bite. She said that was great. Other children wouldn’t even do that.

I also tried to give her pepperoni. She screamed like a mad woman when I put it on her plate. Clearly not going to be one of her favorite foods. We got home in one peace. One appointment down. Many to go!!!

Seizures

I heard gurgling. I turned on the light and saw my baby. Her eyes were rolled up in her head, she was unresponsive and gurgling. I picked her up and tried to get her to respond. I ran to my mom’s room, screaming something wrong with Ava. She jumped up and started to do what I did, trying to get Ava to respond. She yelled called 911.

First came the police, then fire then EMT. By the time the EMT reached the room Ava had snapped out of it. We took an ambulance to Children’s hospital. My aunt, mother, and cousin showed up to the hospital. I was so glad to not be alone.

They were asking me a lot of questions. My memory was failing me. I was trying to pull it together not doing the best job. The neurologist took a look at her and stated she looked good. I felt like they were going to send us home. Then I felt Ava body go limp and I turned her around and looked at her. It was clearly happening again. Her eyes rolled up in her head and she was unresponsive. They gave her something to stop the seizure and another medication on top.

My baby was asleep for 15 hours. They put electrodes on her head to see her brain waves. They found nothing abnormal. She was not put on seizure medication. They gave us emergency seizure medications. I got one for my house and the other for her school. I feel so beat down by life.

When your kid is not doing well, you are doing worst. Ava is totally back to normal and I am a wreak. #MOMMYLIFE

Old Friends!!

I have been in Boston for three years. I don’t have many friends here. It can be very lonely. Which is strange because I am an introvert and don’t mind being by myself. I do have a new friend. The other autism mom I met. I swear I talk to her several times a week.  I so miss my girls from Atlanta. I didn’t even see them a lot when I lived there. It was something about always having the option.

I was at work, walking from the convenience store with a co-worker. When I saw him. Driving a very expensive Mercedes truck, looking as sexy as he did in college. Yes, my college crush was sitting in a car out front of my job. He waved to me and of course, I was all in his face like how are you doing. He was on the phone, I walked into work. Ten minutes later he called me and I went outside to chat.

We really went friends in college. We remained friends for years after and use to talk a lot at times then go radio silent when our lives got busy.

It was like old times with his big smile. He is still a complete dog, and I thank god I was not one of his victims. I told him he needed to find me a man that wanted a kid and had some money. I was halfway kidding. He said he would find me someone for sure.

I had a flashback to when I asked him why he wasn’t interested in me in college. He stated he thought of women as a piece of ass and he had to much respect for me. Which I did see it as a compliment.

I told him about Ava autism. He said another mutual friend of ours son has autism. He called him. He moved to Canada years ago. He immediately started speaking French. They are sons of immigrants. Then I told him about Ava autism. He told me his son had a condition that has 250 people in the world has. He doesn’t walk or talk. I immediatley felt so bad for my friend. The friend I haven’t seen over 20 year ago. We all so care free in college. Then we have children that we can’t fix. That we can’t take there issues away. I am sure we both would give anything to make that happen.