Even though I have a neurological condition, I do not go the doctors much. I have been depressed lately. I have been on three antidepressants. The first two was crazy side effects. The third made me more depressed. I asked the doctor what are these drugs supposed to do. It won’t take my child’s autism away.
I don’t care that Ava has autism. The things that go with Ava needs and meltdowns etc. takes a toll. On my mind and my view of her future. So yes I cried in this woman’s office. Handing out pills. Before the third perscription, I told her drugs are not for me. I have to deal with my problems.
She then pushed me to try another prescription. Once the doom and gloom came, I left a message to get me the hell off these pills safely I am having dangerous thoughts. The doctor called me and said we will talk about it the next appointments. I canceled that appointment. I am done with antidepressants. I know they help people. They don’t help me at all.
So this added appointments that added to Ava endless appointments. I have to say I still am depressed. It is manageable. I feel a lot better than being on those drugs. I need to lose 100 pounds. That is what I am going to work on going forward. #autismmom
I have people in my life who are angels. They might not realize it. I should spend more time telling them. I have a friend who reads my blog religiously and sends me a text about my updates. My friends who haven’t forgotten about me when I left Atlanta. A lot of folks forgot about me when I first left Boston and moved to Atlanta. Ava god mother who I met in 1997 at my first job out of college.
She is one of the few who stay in contact and visited and her friendship never wavered even after I left my place of birth. She still is inviting and enjoy my friendship as I do hers. My friend that came to visit me and wouldn’t take no for an answer. We enjoyed Boston in a way I never have before.
The woman I met in an Autism Group who took it upon herself to guide me in the struggles of being a #autism mom. My friend and I (my other autism mom buddy) bought this woman a gift. I tried to compliment her in several ways. She is so humble she never really accepts my compliment. She is the reason Ava is at the autism center. She guided my friend and I with so many resources. How do you THANK a person like that? How do I show God god blessed me by bringing her in my life at the right time? I bought her a plaque. I cropped out her name on the top.
We are also going to give her 100 Visa gift card. She deserves ten times more. My mother and my aunt. They drive me crazy, but their love for me has never wavered. Their love for Ava is strong. They are my number one angels!! They are my up front village. That makes my journey in motherhood not so lonely.
We went to speech therapy today. A weekly appointment I am not loving but have to do. This is her only constant until I get her into the Autism Center. The place we go is a Medical Center. It is called Harvard Vanguard. I like the one stop shop. Everything under one roof. We sometimes have to go to different centers depending on availability. So this center isn’t where Ava pediatrician is located. Where there is ample parking. This center is in the middle of Fenway. If you know anything about Boston that is where the Red Sox play Fenway Park. So they have a parking garage.
When you go upstairs you have to get your tickets validated. It is six bucks, which I can’t complain about. Originally you could pay your six bucks at the receptionist desk. They made a change and now you have to pay with a credit card or cash after you get out the elevator on the floor your car is located.
Now Ava is not the sit there and waits for mommy type of kid. So this damn machine has been a challenge every damn time we go to this place. It doesn’t want to take my credit card. The cash spits back out. It is fine when we are there by ourselves. It gets hectic when people are waiting or there are people trying to get on the elevator. My #Autismmom sensors are up like where is my kid.
So I have my purse, Ava diaper bag with all her stuff we need to roll with. Then this bullshit ass machine doesn’t want to take my credit card. Now that all the credit card companies have rolled out the chip on the front of these cards. This is an issue with this stupid machine. I had no cash. I looked for another card. Well while I am doing this, a white guy. Things went so fast I have no other description except he was white. Open the door for my daughter to walk into the parking garage. My heart jumped out of my chest. Why the fuck would you open a door for a three-year-old. This dude wasn’t even going out the door. I have no idea what his motivation was. My focus was my daughter’s safety. She will go for an exit in a minute. She has no concept of danger which scares the hell out of me.
So the machine was spitting out my parking card as I chased down Ava going out the door. Do you think this mother fucker said sorry? Nope didn’t give a shit that I was about to have a breakdown. I got her barely before she rooming in this parking garage with cars flying by. The Latino people behind me got my card out the machine and handed it to me. I was very grateful. Still, fluster my goal was getting my child in her car seat where I felt she would be safe.
I put her in the car seat and now I can’t find the parking ticket they handed to me. I went through my purse her bag everything is now on the floor of my car. I left her in the car seat rolled down the windows and retraced my steps to find it. The ticket was in the middle of the road.
I got back to my car and tears started coming down my face. What the FUCK can I do this? I am a horrible mother. How could I let this shit happen.? What would happen if I had another baby? I was beating myself up. What type of mother and I.
This happened a few days ago. I still feel like shit. God help me. #AutismMOM