I love my daughter in ways I could not imagine. Motherhood on the solo is also harder then I IMAGINED.
She started having night terrors and waking up in the middle of the night and staying up. I am trying to figure out the cause. What I been lacking is sleep and trying to deal with it. It is almost worst then when she was a newborn. I was off work then and could nap with her. Now I have to head to work and she goes to sleep from being up all night. I find myself turning on the TV and putting a pillow over my head. I don’t feel like the best mom when I do that.
I woke up this morning with my head pounding like I had a hang over. I don’t drink, so that feeling is crazy. My mother let me sleep for an hour and a half. Thank god for my mother. She drives me crazy, but I thank god for her all the time.
I have been dating. Shockingly, I would consider myself in a semi-relationship. I will say semi due to the lack of any declaration. I have mentioned him before. The guy working on my house has stepped up to the plate.
He took Ava and I to lunch yesterday. So we drove my car. It was easier then moving the car seat. He was so attentive to Ava. I was like wow this is how this feels. I don’t have to do everything. He has been around since Ava was two months old.
He has been working for my family for about 12 years. I feel comfortable with him. We didn’t start off well. Hopefully it will continue to stay positive. He is my first choice for the second baby. He is a great father to his kids. They are grown pretty much. I wanted a second baby.
You would think I brought this up. No shockingly enough it wasn’t me. He asked me about having more children when Ava was about 5 months old. We moved here when she was 2 months old.
It is nice to be wanted. I haven’t had that feeling in a long time. I am keeping hope alive. I need to buy some ovulation kits to be ready for testing next months.
I started my new job. My boss at that job quit. She has been there a long time. She is going to a great opportunity. I am stressed because it has been crash course training. I feel like my life always has to have some drama in it. Or is that everyone’s life????
I been working on my YouTube channel. Trying to get subscribers and viewers, to make it visual income. My first position for YouTube is to help people. I was watching one of the video’s about growing your channel. He said do something you are passionate you are about. I am passionate about living my life to the fullest with no regrets. Having my daughter was one of the most powerful choices of my life. That coincides with my missions statements of life. If I can help anyone else, my heart would be full.
I was glued to the screen. I always loved Whoopi Goldberg movies. I can name several, I can watch over and over again. To hear her story was so inspiring. I always felt like an odd duck. Not like everyone else. I am learning to love myself, and not force myself to conform to the masses. I always thought it would be simpler to be like everyone else.
A friend said to me, I am always working on something. I really thought everyone did the same thing. I lived my life always doing things differently. I always had various passions in different parts of my life. I always had self doubt of who I am. I am going to work on standing strong with my differences.
Know that my difference from others is a gift from god. I was meant to stand out and live my authentic life. I know that is used a lot for LBGT coming out of the closet. I feel it stands for me in many ways. I am not gay, but I have to work on living my authentic life.
I have to make time for all I want and desire. I am always thinking of something else I want out of life. I know to others it feels like I am not grateful for what I have. It is the contrary. I am grateful for every gift and blessing. For me standing still is difficult. I spent to much of my life doing nothing. If I am not working on the next project, the next stage of my life. I feel like I am not living.
No one wants anything to be wrong with there child. I prayed that I wouldn’t be one of those parents in denial. I felt something was wrong when I haven’t heard any real words out my baby mouth. The doctor told me it was okay, but I still felt it wasn’t. Her god mother told me to go with my gut.
My gut said I should be hearing mama by now. Everyone told me she is fine, but I didn’t feel that way. I called early intervention today. The woman said I was correct to be concerned. We are on are way to getting an evaluation. I pray there is nothing wrong. If there is I am in the state that helps babies for free with any delay. I will keep you posted. Please keep Ava and I in your prays. Regardless of the outcome I need the strength to handle all situations.
I know I have been putting my YOUTUBE video on my blog. I haven’t written much for this blog. I will work on doing better. I have a new mission in life. Spreading the word about the choice for women to be mother’s alone. I am a contributing writer for The Next Family. I also decided to hit up a few major magazines. We will see how it goes. All you can do is try. I have big dreams. Granted they are being molded by life more then planing.
In my court news. My car was in a garage that the ceiling leaked a limestone acid on the passenger side. To the tune of 1,700 worth of damage. Of course I made them aware of this. I got it is free at will parking and there will be no reimbursement. You should see the look on my face even as I am typing this. I am not Boo, Boo.
There was a bit of drama that I can’t go into. Another person tried to get them to pay which I appreciated dearly. Ultimately it was to no avail. I then took my ass up to the court house put 50 bucks down and got a court date. With in three days of going to the court house, they wanted to pay all of a sudden. I am not bitter, I just want my money. You destroyed my property do what is right. They asked me to get another estimate. I said no, really wanted to say hell no. I knew I needed to be a little professional. I told them if you asked me to get more estimate when I first brought it to your attention. It would be no problem. The fact that I had to go to court. All I am doing is cashing a check.
Keep praying for me. I am waiting for something else to work out. I have a feeling everything is going according to plan. God has really had my back in so many different ways.
Ava is not really talking. The doctor says she is fine. I am going to have her check out by early intervention just to make sure. I need to always be my daughter advocate. They might say she is fine. Which will be music to my ears. Or that she needs a little help. I know she understand, that is clear. Her speech is not where I think it should be. I am not a professional but I also don’t want to be one of those parents in denial.
I actual called them before and they didn’t get back to me. I will be calling them everyday next week, until someone calls me back. That is called don’t play with mama!!! Thank you to all who read my blog and keeping up with Ava and I!!!
My baby got the life. She can keep me up all night. Waking up for various reason. Then sleeping in, while I am getting ready for work. To deal with a 10 to 11 hour day including traffic to work. As a zombie and wanting to curl up in the backseat of my car for hours. Knowing someone would be looking for me at work. So I come home to this fully rested (had naps during the day) extra energy child. I had ten cups of coffee. Which a co-worker and I call our smoking break.
You know how the smokers have twenty breaks to suck on the cancer stick. I say that lovingly because I use to be one of them. So we take constant coffee breaks. Sometimes I get tea, or water. This particular day I needed the lethal extra strength coffee. Which ended up giving me a stomach ace and I was eating tums at my desk.
Then I come home and she looks at me like where have you been. Going to bed is not a option. Passing her off to another parent not an option. My mother had her all day and said she is off. Which is her usual comment as I walk in the door. Yeah my mother has moments of helping on my non work hours. Which I thank her for in many ways. They are not consistent. She has her all day, so I can’t complain.
I did put my foot down of the things she will do with her during the day. I am paying her to watch my daughter, I AM THE BOSS. So I have a feeling that my daughter is safe. All this Petafile shit will have you going mad. In watching the news all this craziness happens in daycare. Granted if I didn’t have any other options that is where she would be. She would have more structure then she does now.
I didn’t go to daycare and I turned out alright. With the same woman at home me, interesting enough. When she is almost three I will be looking for preschools. Right now I have so many other things I need to be working on. Such as my debt to income ratio. Yeah looking at my finances, makes me understand why women have sugar daddies. Only kidding, Partially!!!
So much has happened in this first year. It is such a blur. Just like the past 15 years. Time goes by so fast, I can’t believe how much of my life has past. I remember being fat and Unpopular in High School. Losing weight after college and feeling like a million bucks. Moving to Atlanta and partying like I had not sense. I have not traveled. I have had a lot of fun. I wish I could see myself the way others see me. I am my worst critic. There are many things I would love to fix about myself. I know this might sound crazy. I started to try and hypnotize myself. When I was trying to get pregnant. The mean doctor suggested I see a hypnotherapist. This chick was expensive. She gave me a CD to listen to. I was going to make my own for myself. Such a procrastinator. I started and never finished. I think I am going to work on that. Hearing my own voice might keep the thoughts in my head. Any who!! I been using the ones on YouTube. There are a lot for many different things. Prosperity, Dreams come true, Weight loss. I turn it on when I am going to sleep and let it play on my phone. I started last night. Not sure it is working, but I had a pretty upbeat day today. So I am going to try again tonight. It doesn’t cost anything and I have a lot to gain and nothing to lose. I am attaching my journey video. Let me know what you think.
I had her birthday party today. It went great actually. It only cost 130.00 bucks. For the place. I got six pizza’s two salads and four servings of french fries. This place didn’t do family style. So I bought some tins to put the food in. The plumber gave me 100 bucks for the party. I did not ask. I actually tried to give it back. Then I said WTF am I giving it back. I took it. So pretty much he paid for the party. Because I put down 50 dollar deposit.
She had a Chica cake.
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If you don’t have kids, it is a little chicken on the sprout network that she loves. Ava went to everyone with no crying. I was so shocked. My mother couldn’t believe it either. This child cries when anyone tries to hold her. She was in love with Grandad. I am about to line him up as a babysitter. At least to get my toes done and other random errands.
Dad also put 100 bucks in a card. I was thinking damn, I can’t remember when I got 100 bucks. I guess grandchildren are always different. Life is good. Things I need to work on. I am patting myself on my back for getting through year one. I can’t believe I started from newborn to now. It flew by like a whirlwind. With so many transitions and drama it is crazy. I can’t believe I moved here driving from GA. We did it in one day with a two month old. Moved back to the city I hate. With my mom, can’t believe that. Blizzard of 2015, new job and etc.
I made it in one piece. Thank you Jesus!!! No my baby!! My baby is now a toddler.
I got to work at 7:15am and left at 6:30pm. I could have stayed several more hours and still had much to do tomorrow. This job is a trip with the work load. I also been told I do not have the work load of others. Which is too damn scary. When I was childless working late hours was no biggie. Now I want to see my baby. Who has a bit of an attitude for the last couple of days. We think she is getting more teeth. She is crazy fussy and coming up with some new crying sounds.
I know my mother is tired of her by the time I get home. Which I can understand it is a long day. She was cool about watching her late tonight. I decided I am going to have to look for an alternative for a job with better hours. I don’t mind working hard, but damn. I am sure the more I know the better I will get at the job.
The plumber is still trying to stay in the game. He called my mother and told her he wanted to contribute to Ava’s birthday. My mother said buy a gift. He wants to pay for part of the party. I am telling you he is trying to stay in the game. Which it is nice to be wanted. Believe me I haven’t had that feeling in a long while. Mostly by choice. I am having baby fever. I still love every new phase of Ava and I don’t miss the baby phase. When I was basically walking into walls because I was so tired. I have no idea how I would juggle more then one child.
One of my sister SMC. Which I met at my first meeting is pregnant with her second. Which I don’t even know how I would handle that because I was so tired when I was pregnant. I was in a comma every time my head hit the pillow.
I appreciate having a job. It came right on time. I make decent money. I am still jealous of the folks that don’t have to work. Such is life!!!
I have no time for anything. I cancelled my gym membership yesterday. I really needed to be realistic. I have been three times since I signed up four months ago. I have a busy schedule. Between work, my daughter, these meeting I go to (long story). I have no time for myself. I have a treadmill in my house. Which I could use at anytime. The point of the gym was to get mommy time away from everything. That is impossible when any free time you have you want to sleep. I could sleep for countless more hours then I actual do. The weekend went so fast I thought it was going fast forward the whole time.
We did go to a friends children’s birthday party. I have another one in a few weeks. She is not even one years old, but we have been to at least three birthday parties. What is up with that. I am planing her birthday party. I swear two years ago I would have never imagined I would be planning a birthday party.
It is going to be at a pizza place. I needed a place they were not going to charge per head. I wanted to just pay for the food. It is going to be two hours and hopefully very quick. She doesn’t have a big attention span. I am going to try my best to make sure she gets a nap that morning.
I have no complaints other then I wish I was rich. But doesn’t everyone. God has been good to me. Everyday I wake up and look at my little Diva I know how good god has been to me!!!
I am sorry. I really wanted to be consistent with my blog. It hasn’t worked out that way. I have been a little depressed lately. I am in a city I don’t like. All my friends are in another state. I do have friends here, but they are married and doing there own thing most of the time. Her god mother is the only one checking for me.
I want to date, but have no idea how I can fit that in. I am having trouble fitting in sleep. I miss living in my own place. I no I am complaining, There are more pros in my life then cons. My cons are driving me insane.
My new job is stressful. I hate when training is not that great. I love my trainer she is very helpful, but she also has her own work to do. Which the boss doesn’t seem understand and give her more and more to do. I wish I didn’t have to work. I got a eight month break. I would love to go back to school and do something I want to do with the second half of my life.
I need to pay off all this debt I have. I still buy lottery tickets, which I am sure folks think is crazy. I have to have some kind of vice. That is mine.
I been doing horrible with my food. I finally got honest about it. I gained seven pounds. I am still wearing my size 12. Well they are tight. Size 14 are a little big. I don’t have many of them which sucks. I have an abundance in 10/8 which I can’t fit at all. I am working on getting back on track tomorrow.
My child watches to much T.V. I feel really bad about it. I need to entertain her during certain times, to get things done.
I am working on getting my life together. I know I need another vision board to see my dreams come true again. Also see what I am working on doing.
There was this daycare incident here. A male college student was molesting the kids. Can I say I am so blessed my mother watches my baby. Sometimes I feel she would learn more in a daycare. When I hear horrible stuff on the news like that, I am so thankful she isn’t in a day care.
I will be taking my life one day at a time!!