Baby when stars align!!

I can not have another baby in my present situation. Kids are expensive and I am not living the lap of luxury. Now if the money came into my life. I would have an appointment ready for my first insemination. Then I could my own place and a nanny.

Ava having special needs it would take everything in me to have another baby. Now if I had a partner to take up the slack it could be possible. Granted there are a lot of partners that don’t help with the kids at all. My lack of dating doesn’t put that option at the front of the list.

Do I desire another baby yes? Do I desire the lack of sleep and all that goes into an infant? I would have to say no. Another little face to love. Hell yes, I wouldn’t mind that at all. Ava to have someone in life with her. I would sign up for a min if the stars aligned.

The money would bring a nanny I could trust (hopefully). I have a hard time trusting anyone. Right now Ava major meltdowns are dealt with by my mother. She is very spoiled. Her meltdowns start with being spoiled and clearly turn into something different. With the hitting herself and screaming and her whole body raging all over the place.

It hard to make her calm down at this point. My mother got it down pack. With her chanting what is wrong with nanny baby. Come with nana and lay with me. She gives her whatever she wants to get her to calm down. Even though I don’t want to give in. It sets a bad precedent. When she is to the extreme of her meltdown you have no other choice. Our tenants on the first floor go to bed about 8pm. These events of meltdowns usually happen after 9pm.

Even though the tenants are not my favorite people. We are trying to be respectful to others. Would I want to include another child in this? I think I could handle it with help. Whether that be family or paid help.

When I decided to be a single mother by choice. I had no money and an upside-down loan on a house. The stars aligned and now I have Ava. Now what I imagined but I prayed to be a mother and I am that.

We will see if the stars align again!!

She is so picky!!

Ava does not have a variety of food that she eats. Not to mention I am not cook of the year. It is so frustrating that she will put random things in her mouth. When I offer her something different from her limited menu she acts like I am trying to kill her. She gives me the stank bitch face. If she could talk I feel she would be saying bitch you can’t be serious. I am not eating that.
I push it in her mouth to give it a try. I am not going to feed her something she really doesn’t want. If she never tastes it she won’t know if she likes it.
Now we are at the point if it is something she likes she will feed herself. If it’s something not on her list of likes, I have to feed it to her. So a few days ago, I got her to eat salmon and mash potatoes. I covered the salmon in the potatoes to achieve this success. She had me chasing her around the house with the food. Surprisingly she opened her mouth. Not how I wanted it to go, but shit I will take that.
I decided she will eat the school food. I want to see if they can get her to eat other things. I will send snacks that she likes if she totally refuses. I know most 2 years old are picky eaters. I also know this has a lot to do with autism.
They say there is a lot of adjustment being an autism mom. I can’t say I really have to adjust, being that she is my only child and the diagnoses have been with us for over a year.
I still have high hopes for my baby. No one is telling me she won’t succeed. The general answer is I DON’T KNOW. Which is an answer I hate? Tell me she is going to be perfect. Lie to me!!!
OK, I really don’t want to be lied to. Sometimes I wouldn’t mind a lie or two. 🙂

Almost 11pm

My child is finally sleeping through the night. The problem is she doesn’t go to sleep until 10-11pm. I have so many things I need to do. I keep putting her ass back in the bed. She laughs her ass off like we are playing the biggest game. I know she likes it when I am home. I really feel she stays up to spend time with me.
Which I love, but in the same breath, I have so many things going at once. I need a few night time hours to get things done.
My book it getting closer and closer to done. I will announce it on this blog if anyone in interested in reading it. It is a sci-fi novel on autism.
I am my own worst critic, I keep reading it over and over again and finding things wrong with it.
I have enlisted my friend to edit it. I am going to read it one more time and send it over for her to edit. Then I am going to get the rest together.
My Youtube channel is growing slowly. I am excited by the growth, but it has not turned into passive income.
I didn’t really start the Youtube channel to make money. I do enjoy making the video. I also noticed I wasn’t really putting in the time or effort to make it successful either.
With the limited time in my life, I can only devote so much. I still haven’t read the books the advocate told me to read for this IEP. I am going to get to it. I really don’t feel like reading the bullshit. I just want Boston Public Schools not to screw me and give my child everything she deserves.
Which I know is going to be hard which is why I hired the advocate in the first place.
Also, my mom lets Ava sleep for two hours a day. So I am sure when she start pre-school and has that 45 min nap she will be tired when she gets home. That will help me so much. At the moment she is a ball of energy when I walk in the door.

IEP HELL

Ok, now that Ava will be three very soon, no more early intervention. I have to take her to all these test. I already didn’t like the tone of the woman when I initially had to sign the papers.

I got the impression there were trying to screw my kid out of services. She was nice nasty. She wasn’t mean or nice. Everyone wants to sell me on two pull out speech therapy. I want more than that. My kid does not talk. I want more then two sessions.

I already am looking into outside speech for her. Which I will have to drive and it will cost a co-pay and parking. Things could always be worse, I keep thinking to myself.

I have an advocate for my IEP. I need someone there who knows the laws. I don’t want to be screwed because I was ignorant to what they should give my baby. All this shit is hard. Hard to know if you are doing the right or wrong thing. I don’t want to make any mistakes. There is no real way to know if I am making the right decision!!!

Preschool coming soon!!

Ava will be starting preschool the day she turns 3. I can’t believe I had this little person for almost 3 years. This shit is crazy. I remember living in Atlanta area crying my ass off, feeling like a failure. How the hell can I not have a man and no baby. WTF was god doing to me. Yes, I called my mother crying like a big ass baby.

God gave me a child who looks just like me. He gave me the baby that I desired. He didn’t give me a perfect baby. We have been on a roller coaster for over a year with Ava diagnosis. I am getting more comfortable and positive and I might share soon. The details of what has been going on this past year.

It was hard for me to accept. Even though acceptance did not stop me for doing everything necessary for the benefit of Ava success. I know that sounds strange, to not accept but be overboard with all that needs to be done. A therapist told me yesterday you are not one of the parents I worry about getting anything done.

I coming close to acceptance and living in the solution not the fears. Living in fear has been a big part of my life. The why me, pity  party, victim mentality. I fight those feelings all the time. Even fighting those feelings I do the next right thing. I had someone tell me a longtime ago give me great advice. Act as if you are strong until you are. Act as if things will be alright until they are. Act as if you love yourself until you do. So I practice acting as if and moving like my life is exactly they way I want it to be until it is.

Things keep moving!!!

Ava and going to sleep has been becoming a problem. She always has had a few issue of sleeping through the night. Also going to sleep is a challenge. I tried the lavender bath soap and lotion. Trying to get her to go to bed earlier. She use to be a great sleeper. Now every night we have issues. I know this is being a toddler. Any suggestions please send them my way.

Work has been great. I use to have so much stress from my prior jobs. Corporate America is full of the stress attacks. Always hoping you didn’t miss the deadlines. Trying to please management. I pray my jobs stays the same. I don’t mind going to work. I wouldn’t mind being a stay at home mom. Which is shocking. I never thought I would be that type of woman. I feel I miss so much at work. I call my mom during the day to find out what Ava is doing!!

My mother spends more time with her then I do. Granted she is ready to hand her over when I get home. Which I totally understand. She is a handful.

I am working through all my challenges with my daughters new reality. I swear you make plans god laughs. I have a had a lot thrown my way and my brain is working overtime to handle the stress.

The second baby plan is on. Being 41 and having an only child. I am an only child. I can’t guarantee that Ava and her sibling will be close. It is worth a shot. I don’t want her to be alone in this world.

I still have jealousy issues. I look at people who I feel has life so much easier and I wonder why my life always seems so hard. The truth is I have no idea if there lives are easier. My life is truly not as hard as many. I am blessed in many ways. I look at my baby and I want to cry for the challenges she is about to face. Then I dry those tears and I am grateful that they are challenges and not a matter of life or death.

My YouTube channel has over 600 subscribers. I been working hard to spread the word. Granted I don’t have enough content for it only to be about issues for a single mother by choice. So I do have other content.

My topic isn’t going viral. I haven’t found my audience. I am trying hard. I am not making any kind of money to pay any bills in my world. It would be nice if that was the case. Every time I watch a video about growing your channel. They always say talk about things you are passionate about. Which is what I do. If I did anything else I know I would lose interest. Since it is a struggling channel in one since. It is making a mark in another. If you look up single mother by choice on You Tube a lot of my videos show up. Every time I want to just let it go, someone sends me an email telling me that want to be a SMC and how my video have helped them. So I have to keep going. That is god giving me a nudge I am on the right page.

Santa is not her friend!!!

Merry Christmas

She isn’t feeling the big Red guy at all. I got the picture at Walmart. The Santa was sitting there. I asked could we take a picture he said sure. I added the rest to the picture. I didn’t have to sit in a two hour line to get the same awful crying picture. Win, win!!!

I have all the gifts wrapped. Waiting for two presents in the mail. The guy I am dating which we will call Dave from now on. Dave and I drove to three stores last Wednesday to find the play kitchen. After all that traveling with no luck. I ended up ordering it online. I swear you can’t find anything in the stores any more. I also ordered my mother a toaster oven. Since she doesn’t read my blog the secret is safe. They should both be here by the 19th. 20151213_215908-1

I finally found a topper for the tree. I am happy with are Charlie Brown tree. I know I am dating myself with that reference. All the people around my age knows what I mean.

I didn’t do anything last year. She was so small. I doubt she has any understanding now. She did walk over and touch the presents like what is that.

I have a new doctor which I really like. I left that clinic I was at and went somewhere totally different. The woman took her time and was very patient with my concerns. I have to schedule a hearing test and I will be having a delay specialist consultation. All in all a productive visit. Just on a side note. When we are in the car and the music is playing, I swear she is singing with the song. Not totally sure, but it sure seems like it.

I was talking to another single mother by choice friend. We were discussing our children challenges.  There is nothing that could happen that would make me not want to be her mother. I love this little girl so much. More then myself. I cried  and begged god to bring me her. Now my Christmas are special again. My life is revitalized because she is a part of it. I am her mom and it the most important job of my life!!!!!!!

Master Class: Whoopi Goldberg

I was glued to the screen. I always loved Whoopi Goldberg movies. I can name several, I can watch over and over again. To hear her story was so inspiring. I always felt like an odd duck. Not like everyone else. I am learning to love myself, and not force myself to conform to the masses. I always thought it would be simpler to be like everyone else.

A friend said to me, I am always working on something. I really thought everyone did the same thing. I lived my life always doing things differently. I always had various passions in different parts of my life. I always had self doubt of who I am. I am going to work on standing strong with my differences.

Know that my difference from others is a gift from god. I was meant to stand out and live my authentic life. I know that is used a lot for LBGT coming out of the closet. I feel it stands for me in many ways. I am not gay, but I have to work on living my authentic life.

I have to make time for all I want and desire. I am always thinking of something else I want out of life. I know to others it feels like I am not grateful for what I have. It is the contrary. I am grateful for every gift and blessing. For me standing still is difficult. I spent to much of my life doing nothing. If I am not working on the next project, the next stage of my life. I feel like I am not living.

Early intervention!!

No one wants anything to be wrong with there child. I prayed that I wouldn’t be one of those parents in denial. I felt something was wrong when I haven’t heard any real words out my baby mouth. The doctor told me it was okay, but I still felt it wasn’t. Her god mother told me to go with my gut.

My gut said I should be hearing mama by now. Everyone told me she is fine, but I didn’t feel that way. I called early intervention today. The woman said I was correct to be concerned. We are on are way to getting an evaluation. I pray there is nothing wrong. If there is I am in the state that helps babies for free with any delay. I will keep you posted. Please keep Ava and I in your prays. Regardless of the outcome I need the strength to handle all situations.

Need to write something!!

I know I have been putting my YOUTUBE video on my blog. I haven’t written much for this blog. I will work on doing better. I have a new mission in life. Spreading the word about the choice for women to be mother’s alone. I am a contributing writer for The Next Family. I also decided to hit up a few major magazines. We will see how it goes. All you can do is try. I have big dreams. Granted they are being molded by life more then planing.

In my court news. My car was in a garage that  the ceiling leaked a limestone acid on the passenger side. To the tune of 1,700 worth of damage. Of course I made them aware of this. I got it is free at will parking and there will be no reimbursement. You should see the look on my face even as I am typing this. I am not Boo, Boo.

There was a bit of drama that I can’t go into. Another person tried to get them to pay which I appreciated dearly. Ultimately it was to no avail. I then took my ass up to the court house put 50 bucks down and got a court date. With in three days of going to the court house, they wanted to pay all of a sudden. I am not bitter, I just want my money. You destroyed my property do what is right. They asked me to get another estimate. I said no, really wanted to say hell no. I knew I needed to be a little professional. I told them if you asked me to get more estimate when I first brought it to your attention. It would be no problem. The fact that I had to go to court. All I am doing is cashing a check.

Keep praying for me. I am waiting for something else to work out. I have a feeling everything is going according to plan. God has really had my back in so many different ways.

Ava is not really talking. The doctor says she is fine. I am going to have her check out by early intervention just to make sure. I need to always be my daughter advocate. They might say she is fine. Which will be music to my ears. Or that she needs a little help. I know she understand, that is clear. Her speech is not where I think it should be. I am not a professional but I also don’t want to be one of those parents in denial.

I actual called them before and they didn’t get back to me. I will be calling them everyday next week, until someone calls me back. That is called don’t play with mama!!! Thank you to all who read my blog and keeping up with Ava and I!!!