I am so freaking confused. I got the negative pregnancy test. I am waiting for AF to show up. I got a little bit of brown today.
I am going to pay for a blood test today. I need to know there is no human life in there. I already talked to my donor and we have a plan for this month. It all depends on when my period starts. I am going out-of-town right when I might need to be inseminated. Which freaking SUCKS!!!
Wouldn’t it be crazy if I am still pregnant. If I am not, exactly the same thing happened. A chemical pregnancy or an early miscarriage. This is so heartbreaking because I was so damn happy.
I have six positive pregnancy test. They were all first response. The difference in this situation I am not spending thousands of dollars. Which I am still pissed off about. I just have to coordinate with one person and drive there. In one way I am glad I went through the process of insemination in an office. If I hadn’t I would have thought I was missing something.
I wasn’t going to pay for a blood test before. Now I know I have to. I can’t fuck this up!!. I don’t want to hurt any unborn child. I have to treed carefully.
Other than that I am sick of being fat. I went to look for a dress for my cousin wedding. BIG ASS FAIL. I hated everything. They probably weren’t that bad. When you are looking at fat that wasn’t there before it is very depressing. I know it is my fault. I have to get myself together. I know the old isn’t working and I need some NEW.
Two couples I would watch their VLogs on YOUTUBE broke up. I was shocked. It just confirms nothing is perfect.
People don’t share their problems. They share the good-times. Know one is going to get out there and say he is a cheating loser. You never know what happens behind closed doors.
The waiting games begins again. It will be longer than the two week wait. I don’t have a doctor dishing out papers to have a blood test. I could pay for a blood test out of my pocket. I doubt I am going to do that. I am going to wait until my period shows up. Or not which I hope.
I realized my negativity has risen to new heights. I swear I expected my donor to be the usual type of assholes I meet. Granted he is not Mr. Communication. He has done everything he said he would do.
He is an all around nice guy, as far as I can tell. Granted I would never have dated him. Yes I did think about this. Would this be a man I could date. I like communication. I learned a long time ago, I can not be with a quiet man.
I went to the new GYNO. She won’t give me the Clomid. She did make a good point that she doesn’t think I need it. She wants me to take the Clomid challenge test. She likes that test better than the AMH.
To see if I really have bad egg quality. I am torn do I want to take this test or not. Yes it is more information. Do I need that information is the question. Will it make a difference in my process. I doubt it. Until I can get to MASS and get some health insurance coverage for fertility. I won’t make one bit of difference.
I would like to know if my egg quality is bad. Some good news would put a smile on my face. Even with that information they do not guarantee you pregnancy. There are no guarantee with anything in life. This process has surely taught me that.
I take my blood test tomorrow and find out on Thursday. I took an early First Response this morning and got a negative. I was upset. Last time I got a light positive around this time. I know it is too early. That blood test could say anything.
We all know what I want it to say. I have to say I wanted a lot of different things over the years. I want this so bad I don’t what to do!!
I took my blood test on Thursday Waiting for the answer today. I have had more crazy moments with a bunch of pregnancy test.
The social worker calls me. How are you doing she ask. Crazy I stated. I understand and I have something to tell you. Okay, I am waiting for a yes or no. She says, I have only had to make this kind of call three times last year. You are the first in 2013. OH SHIT!!! I am thinking what the hell is this about.
Your test was intermittent What the hell does that mean. Well your levels are there they are low. We need to test again on Monday.
Here are the three possible out comes:
1)Numbers go up and end up with a baby
2) Numbers go up, not by much have a miscarriage
3) Number goes down and try again for the next cycle
Then she told me she hasn’t seen someone with numbers this low make it through the first trimester. So now I have a bunch of things going on in my head. Not good news not bad news it is just news.
One good thing she said is you have beaten many odds in the process. We can’t predict what will happen. You might be the exception to every rule.
I have issues. I know I was not supposed to pee on a stick. I heard when the doctor told me not to. Did I listen. Of course not. I have taken three home pregnancy test. I have gotten a negative each time. The last being this morning. My sad face went to work. My blood test is tomorrow. I know that will tell me the real deal. She also said the trigger shot would give me a false positive. It did not I got a negative.
I don’t want to spend anymore money. I have everyone I can think of praying for me. I want it to happen so bad. I know I been having symptoms. If I am not pregnant I have no idea why my body is acting in such a way. I have been having these little pains in my belly area. My nipples have been so hard at times they can cut glass. My boobs have been very sensitive. I finally get to the two-week wait, and I am not doing well. I want to know the answer on Friday. Then I don’t want to know if it is a negative.
Here is where I have to be a big girl again. Being a grown up sucks!!!
This might be TMI for some. I woke up this morning and saw blood on the toilet paper. Not much just a little. I was thinking damn my period already. It shouldn’t be here for another week and a half. I have been going to acupuncture for several weeks. I did notice my cycle acting funny after acupuncture before. I put on a pad and went to work.
later in the day still very light, I only see it on the toilet paper. Hopeful thinking it is break through bleeding. I still could be pregnant. Negative thinking, my period is acting up and showing up shortly. We all know which one I hope it is. Even if my period starts, I am still going to get the blood test to make sure.
I watched to many I didn’t know I was pregnant tv shows.
I went to karaoke last night. I knew I wasn’t going to get up there and sing.
Well I shocked myself and others. I was a back up singer to my group that formed at my table of new friends. It didn’t take much for them to convince me to showcase my non talents. We sung En Vogue (Hold On)
I had a good time. I heard my voice over the mic during the performance. It sounded horrible. So I lip sync after that. We had one dance step we did for the entire thing. It was fun making a fool of myself. I guess my fear was over when other horrible singers got up there. There was a few that I would have voted for if they were on American Idol.
I went to my acupuncturist today. She said I have a great rolling pulse. Not sure what that means. One kidney was strong and the other weaker. She said I might be pregnant. Music to my ears. I noticed the whole experience was different than usual. I been going to her on and off for a year. I never felt the needles like I did today. The heat they used seemed like to much. I asked her do you get more sensitive when you are pregnant. She said yes. I don’t know if that was the reason for the sensitivity. It has only been a week.
She asked me when am I going to take a pregnancy test. In the fertility clinics they do the test in two weeks. Well presently I have no one to give me a blood test. I am going to use a first response in a few weeks. I told her in another week. It is hard for me to lie. I try to be a very honest person. I just can’t tell his lady about my casual situation with my ex.
He was supposed to take me out for my birthday tonight. In all fairness he called early for a rain check due to job issues. I have no expectations for him so it didn’t bother me. I actually unpacked several boxes and my one bedroom apartment is looking a whole lot better. Still many to go, but I feel like accomplished something.
Work is great actually. I am trying my best to stay on top of everything. My boss the CFO said he needed to talk to me. I thought oh lawd what did I do. Give it to me to go straight to the negative.
He wanted to tell me he thought I was doing a great job. He thanked me for staying on top of everything. He also wanted to take me to lunch for my birthday. In the words of Charlie Sheen WINNING!!!!
If I am pregnant with my twins that I desire. God could have been the only one to plan that one. It was such random perfect timing. My life has been great lately and I am going to appreciate every minute.