Guess who is a year old!!!

12 MonthI had her birthday party today. It went great actually. It only cost 130.00 bucks. For the place. I got six pizza’s two salads and four servings of french fries. This place didn’t do family style. So I bought some tins to put the food in. The plumber gave me 100 bucks for the party. I did not ask. I actually tried to give it back. Then I said WTF am I giving it back. I took it. So pretty much he paid for the party. Because I put down 50 dollar deposit.

She had a Chica cake.

SAMSUNG CAMERA PICTURES

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If you don’t have kids, it is a little chicken on the sprout network that she loves. Ava went to everyone with no crying. I was so shocked. My mother couldn’t believe it either. This child cries when anyone tries to hold her. She was in love with Grandad. I am about to line him up as a babysitter. At least to get my toes done and other random errands.

Dad also put 100 bucks in a card. I was thinking damn, I can’t remember when I got 100 bucks.  I guess grandchildren are always different. Life is good. Things I need to work on. I am patting myself on my back for getting through year one. I can’t believe I started from newborn to now. It flew by like a whirlwind. With so many transitions and drama it is crazy. I can’t believe I moved here driving from GA. We did it in one day with a two month old. Moved back to the city I hate. With my mom, can’t believe that. Blizzard of 2015, new job and etc.

I made it in one piece. Thank you Jesus!!! No my baby!! My baby is now a toddler.{7707b807-7957-4b9a-933a-d5bc77f15760}_320140604_0303541 Month

Boston Blizzard Bullshit

All this snow is some major bullshit. I can’t believe I moved home and my first winter is this crazy. I am so thankful my mother has a snow blower. Even though I am not a fan of manual labor. It would have been ten times worst without that machine. I also know what ever car I get from this point on will have four-wheel drive. I need it for just in case.

My aunt didn’t get her car out last storm. Now this one the guy she called said he couldn’t help, because the last storm snow would have been ice. The guy she use to use would use a shovel. No one is moving this shit with a shovel if they can help it. Well that guy was sick and in the hospital so he wasn’t even an option.

She yelled at me on the phone and I was just trying to help. I called her son pissed off and told him about his mother. I told him to call her right now. She is too old to be out there shovel. What did I think he would do from Virginia. Not sure I wanted him to be on my side and put her butt into action to find someone on the phone.

Well he got to texting his friends. One of his friends was going to come over in the morning and dig her out with a shovel. Then another friend had a company he used. Well she ended up using the company. They came over did everything for 60 bucks. She said they were professional and nice. All this from her getting an attitude with me. Me bitching to her son. Her son getting into action in another state. God works in mysterious ways. I know the next time I get to a ATM I am getting some money to leave in the house. Just in case we ever need to use them. I told my mother to call them and ask if I can put their information on Facebook. I know other people could use their services.

I picked the worst time to start a job. We will see what happens on Tuesday. I am hoping the driving situation is a whole lot better. God thank you for your helping hand today!!! Shit I need to say thanks a whole lot more often than I do!!!

Now I am sick !!

20140926_092423My mother was sick, The baby is getting over being sick. I guess it is my turn. I just want to sleep. A five month old that isn’t entirely possible.  I know people are against kids and electronics, but it has turned into a single mother best friend. I have her watching infant stimulation, leap-frog learning videos. It keeps her attention for about ten minutes. I have toys for her but she isn’t old enough to play by herself. When I need to wash dishes or anything else I try my best to entertain her.

I started looking for a job yesterday. My mother and aunt asked me what was the hurry. The hurry is I haven’t won the lottery yet, or independently wealthy. So I am need to make money. Plus I am apply for the jobs I am truly interested in. There were a few jobs for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. I am actually going for a lower level job. I don’t want a management job. I am not looking for the stress of management. I don’t want a bunch of overtime. I want to do my job the best I can and take my butt home. I don’t want any crazy job stress. I have enough stress in my life. I also have my plan if I win the lottery life. As I always stated my fantasy life is ten times greater than my reality. I guess that use to be true. Now thinking about it my baby Ava trumps my fantasies. It still would be nice to win the lottery!!!

It is starting to get cold in here. People do not turn on the heat early. I have my electric blanket on high. I hate being to cold or to hot. I haven’t had to much of a social life. Which to be honest since I have been on this baby journey for about three years. I haven’t had much of a social life. When I first moved to Atlanta I was party central. I know that was so long ago. I don’t want to be party central, but I still want to look good. Not like I gave up on life and interacting. I miss having a man interested in me. I have talked to my ex. We talked for a few days and I haven’t heard from him since. I know having a baby and leaving the state has finally put a nail in the restoration of our relationship. Which is actually a great thing. Even thought I wasted to many years with that on and off again relationship. I am glad I got my baby and not waited for him to marry my ass. I would have been dead and buried before that happened.

Long Sunday!!

I had to wake up this morning to go to my weight loss meetings. I officially start tomorrow. I am excited and nervous. No more crappy food. I am not looking forward to eating right. I do use food as comfort. I am looking forward to a sexy small body.

I realized today, my child is antisocial. She cries when I give her to someone else. Which makes me feel so special. Then on the flip side makes me feel like I will never have a social life ever. We went to visit family today and every time they picket her up the tears came on.

Even my mother can’t get her to stop. I am really going to pray she grows out of that quick.

11 Weeks and 5 days

In two days I will be officially on my way to the second trimester. Woo Hoo. Still sick, the midwife said it might be the prenatal making me sick.  I gained five pounds in a month. I was told that was not a good thing. I got to hear the heart beat. It sounded like white nose. It took a minute for me to hear the actual beat. I asked her a lot of questions and that was pretty much it. Tomorrow when I see the Fetal Medicine Doctor I believe it will be more exciting.

My mind has been on this transition back to Boston allot lately.  I really don’t miss Boston I miss my family. They are in Boston and never leaving, so I have no choice but to make the move.

In recent family drama, my cousin just got out of prison. He has been there since I was 13 years old. I am 38 almost 39 years. His crimes I am not going to discuss but they were heinous and against women. He is going around to seek out family members to say hello. He went to my mothers job and said do you know me. Then finally revealed himself as her nephew. I told my mother I have no interest in seeing him or being friends. My mom said he served his time. Yeah what ever. The things he did to get his ass locked up is not redeemable to me. He should have died in prison. I am not the family gets a pass type of person. He shouldn’t be walking the streets in my opinion. What makes me feel good is I am sure he has no idea what I look like. I hope he doesn’t think he is going to get invites to any of my family functions. If he happens to be at any other I will not be there.

You stand for something or fall for anything. After being a victim myself  of a man I refused to accommodate that. On a lighter note I am starting to feel a little better. I am hoping this worked day ends quickly. I am ready to call it a day!!

Not a good day

After Golden Corral last night I rushed home to throw up. OMG, I was a hot mess. All I did was eat a bowl of cream of wheat. I had to have something on my stomach. Then went to bed. Nothing else I could do.

Now I am at work feeling like totally shit. My stomach is poking out which is bringing back a lot of insecurity of a fat childhood. I know I am pregnant. I am not ready to share that fact with my job at the moment. So still working on hide mode. The crap I am eating might be making the whole situation worse. There is certain food I look at and I am disgusted. If I found food that would agree with me I would eat it morning, noon and night.

I am also feeling insecure about doing this by myself. I do have a lot of friends that I believe would help me. I just hate asking for help. I am the do it yourself type of person. I don’t really depend on many people. I know my mom wants to come. I wonder about her financial situation taking to long from her jobs. This would be so much easier if I was already in Boston. Between feeling insecure and fat, I am feeling like I might need to leave work early. My stomach is all over the place. I feel like sleeping for ten years. How do women have so many babies.

I was talking to a friend and she said some women love pregnancy and others hate it. I am motioning towards the hate it category. I know I am going to be in total utter love when this is over. Not regretting all I am about to go through. How do I make it through a work day is my problem. I been pulling it off, by the skin of my teeth. I just don’t want to be here. After sleeping 11 hours I am still crazy tired.

Women who do this with toddlers at their feet I have much respect for. I want my mommy!!! I am serious, I want my mom. She can drive me crazy at times but I want her here with me. I lived away from my mom for the past 13-14 years. I haven’t had such a need for wanting my mom since I was a child. I feel like she would take up the slack. Go to the grocery store and do everything for me. I am going to have to suck it up and push through. I made this choice and I have no regrets. Regardless of the feelings I have surrounding my choice. Sometimes I feel like people don’t get it. I would never change the success of my pregnancy for anything. I am still sad for the circumstances were not my ideal. I am so glad another SMC friend go through this first. She told me I would have those feeling. She was so right. Now I am trying to digest paying for having a baby. Yes my crappy insurance I am sure there are going to be some massive payments on my end. I am the payment plan queen. Also I have no idea what my insurance covers. I am a little scared to find out at the moment. Not in the mood for the stress. I am going to scratch that ticket this weekend. My whole outlook might be totally different come MONDAY!!! Wish me luck!!!

 

Pimpled faced girl

I had clear skin most of my life. You wouldn’t know it looking at me now. The first sign of skin madness was when I took the DHEA. That jacked me up and I didn’t know what to do. I was so embarrassed. I found makeup to cover it up. I am not the makeup girl, but I was getting pretty good at it. Until I lost interest in putting it on every morning. Now that I am pregnant pimples are showing up in clusters on my face. I have no energy to put makeup on them. I have put some pimple cream that seems to help them before the blow up my face. The red dots are still there. It is like I have a pimple rash. If one person says that is what you asked for being pregnant I will scream. So I am no complaining about my pimples even though they are bothering me. It might be the fast food I have been eating. I am trying to eat healthy. My stomach doesn’t feel right with most things I put into my body.

Still nervous and haven’t started my daily praying yet. I am going to get on that tonight. I have been so tired, after I wash dishes and eat I am in the bed. My motivation to do anything is zero. I am also trying not to stress about my financial situation. God has always worked everything out for me.  I am so sick of owing people money. I guess it is life. I have a scratch ticket I know is a winner that I haven’t scratched yet. It could be a free ticket which is five bucks. Or enough money to make my ass stop whining about money for a good while. Here is to Lottery money. Life is stranger than fiction. My father knows a guy who won a million dollars from a convenience store he buys scratch tickets from all the time. So shit, you never know. The top prize isn’t retire money but it is pay off bills and have a nice saving money.  Which my plan would be to move back to Boston and be a student with a part-time job if I scratch to victory of top prize. So nice to fantasize. I say always dream. My dream of pregnancy has come true. I am scared shitless that something is going to go wrong. But looking back three years ago. I wanted it, but all I could think is I can’t afford it and it is not going to happen. Now my life is turned around and it is happening. As I said Life is stranger than fiction. I couldn’t have scripted my life at this point. I have a lot fears. Which I am going to talk to my therapist about my next appointment. Other than that all is good in the hood. I can’t wait to get off work. I want a hamburger big time. Or a big salad from Golden Corral. We will see which way I go when I get off work.

Saltines save the day!

Even thought I gained all this weight. My diet usually contains no flour or sugar. I was trying to stay true to that for the most part. Today my co-worker gave me saltines. They are doing something. I think I am so sick I am starting to look green. If this work I am going to the store and buying three boxes.

I talked to known donor via email. He is very happy for me. Still such a strange relationship. I am beyond grateful. If I could pick the traits I want my child to have. His green eyes would be my first choice. I am not sure about my traits. I am trying not to worry about things I can’t control. This has always been a challenge for me. I have never been carefree. I actually envy people who live there lives that way. I was strolling the SMC forum today. A topic of this being Plan B popped up again.

I could totally relate. This is not how I planned for this at all. I remember when I was going to college. I had a summer job at Suffolk University downtown Boston. I told my boss I was going to find my husband in college. We would get married shortly after graduation. I do feel I found him in college. I was in love with my Panamanian man. He was 6’2 dark chocolate and yelled at me in Spanish. I remember I stalked him for a few months before he actually dated me. Looking back I was pretty desperate chasing him like that, but shit it worked. I was more caught up into him the he was into me. We argued a lot which fueled my love for him. We were born on the same day two years apart. He was graduating and I was going into my junior year. I thought of course we would date until I graduated. He didn’t live two far from the school. He had other plans that didn’t include me. I was totally crushed.

After I graduated and moved back to Boston and he was in Connecticut. He all of a sudden found interest in me again. I wouldn’t give him a second chance. I was so wounded by the way he got rid of me. I felt I could do better. Now looking back he was the one I let get away. Regrets are not useful to anyone. Because you can’t do anything about them. I have several regrets from poor decision-making. I did the best I could do at the time. I didn’t have a crystal ball saying HEY YOU, YOU ARE F–KING UP GO LEFT NOT RIGHT.
He did Facebook friend me years later. He was married with a child. I noticed I have been de-friended. Not sure why and I guess it doesn’t really matter. I can’t go back only forward!!!

 

So Damn Tired!!!

I went to bed at 8pm. I woke up a few times to pee and get some gingerale because my stomach was sick. I am falling asleep at my desk at work. I am so, so, so tired. How do people have so many children. How do they deal with the older ones feeling like they are about to pass out. I guess it pays to have a good partner. I found out sour icebreakers make me feel better for a few minutes. Now my tongue is burning from all the sour candy. I can’t win lol!! I can’t say I am loving pregnancy at the moment. I can see how people only do this once.

I have a bunch of fears that I need to work on. I am debt. I have been in debt for a while and I hate it. I think it is a reality of life, but a hard one to swallow. Now when I go home with baby/babies in hand and get a good job. Which I am worried about. Getting a good job is on my list of things to do. The question is how easy is it to do in Boston. I have no idea. I left Boston doing one thing, now coming back I am doing something totally different. My goal when I do get everything together and a job is to get out of debt. I feel it hanging over my head.

I look at the job listing from time to time. I hate the job listing because they always give you the professional bullshit of what you do at the job. You could be shuffling paper and data entry busy work. They make it sound complicated. I want a job that is not stressful. Which I feel is hard to find in this day and age. I know I need to stop worry about something so far down the line. I have a cousin that worries about absolutely nothing. It is so effortless to her to not stress. That is so not me!!

I need to work on being more like her with the lack of stressing. Stressing about something doesn’t make you feel better or fix the problem or issue. It useless worrying. I know this but it is so hard not to do!!!

Always something

Shake up at work. Long story I can’t really speak on. This is making me not to happy to be in management. When people are affected in a bad way I don’t want blood on my hands. It really isn’t my decision but it still sucks. I feel for people in the line of fire. There is nothing I can do. I need a job for now at least until child is born. I have to think about that.

I know my job hours and stress will be increasing greatly. I am the grateful to have a job category again. I know my long term plan is to not be in Georgia. Leaving on your own and being asked to leave when not prepared is a different thing. Also the pregnancy things makes it all very tricky. I know I have a fear of finding a job in Boston. It is a waste of time to worry about things you can’t control or might not happen. I don’t think I am worried more concerned. I have so much more on my plate right now to even think about that.

One day at a time. I can hear my father saying to me. I need to focus on today. All the work on my desk and not stress when the pile of work increases. I know I need to work on my resume. Another thing I need to put on my weekend list. Not that I need it right now, but I can always be prepared. Life is full of challenges.