My mother was sick, The baby is getting over being sick. I guess it is my turn. I just want to sleep. A five month old that isn’t entirely possible. I know people are against kids and electronics, but it has turned into a single mother best friend. I have her watching infant stimulation, leap-frog learning videos. It keeps her attention for about ten minutes. I have toys for her but she isn’t old enough to play by herself. When I need to wash dishes or anything else I try my best to entertain her.
I started looking for a job yesterday. My mother and aunt asked me what was the hurry. The hurry is I haven’t won the lottery yet, or independently wealthy. So I am need to make money. Plus I am apply for the jobs I am truly interested in. There were a few jobs for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. I am actually going for a lower level job. I don’t want a management job. I am not looking for the stress of management. I don’t want a bunch of overtime. I want to do my job the best I can and take my butt home. I don’t want any crazy job stress. I have enough stress in my life. I also have my plan if I win the lottery life. As I always stated my fantasy life is ten times greater than my reality. I guess that use to be true. Now thinking about it my baby Ava trumps my fantasies. It still would be nice to win the lottery!!!
It is starting to get cold in here. People do not turn on the heat early. I have my electric blanket on high. I hate being to cold or to hot. I haven’t had to much of a social life. Which to be honest since I have been on this baby journey for about three years. I haven’t had much of a social life. When I first moved to Atlanta I was party central. I know that was so long ago. I don’t want to be party central, but I still want to look good. Not like I gave up on life and interacting. I miss having a man interested in me. I have talked to my ex. We talked for a few days and I haven’t heard from him since. I know having a baby and leaving the state has finally put a nail in the restoration of our relationship. Which is actually a great thing. Even thought I wasted to many years with that on and off again relationship. I am glad I got my baby and not waited for him to marry my ass. I would have been dead and buried before that happened.
My direct boss went to work for our sister company. My boss, boss gave her notice. I think the writing is on the wall. I am ready to give my notice also. Well give my notice in my head. My date to give my notice in reality is the second week of January to move in February. I wish it could be tomorrow.
I told my boss, boss that I am not taking on crazy responsibility and I am not sleeping at this job. If they let me go they do. I will go to Boston with an unemployment check. Which would actually be great for me. I severely doubt that is going to happen. They actually value me here. At-least they have in the past. With new management coming in it is anyone guess how things are going to go. I just want everything to go in my favor. Wouldn’t that be nice!!!
I did win on a scratch ticket. I haven’t found out how much. So I can fantasy all day about my next step if I have won. As I stated many times before my fantasy life is so much better than my reality. I want it to be the reverse. Then life would get very interesting.
Now for the real news. X boyfriend that I wished dead contacted me. Yes I talked to him. It was a decent conversation. First text then ended in verbal. How about he started talking about marriage. Yes, can you believe that. Okay let me clear this up. I made a joke about marriage and he alluded to us talking about getting married. Shocked is what I was. You know I love this man. I have to, to put up with all his shit all these years. Should we get married. When I think of all the shit I put up with I would say hell no. What my mind tells me and my heart tells me is something totally different. Am I ready to say yes to this. absolutely not!! It might be his last-ditch attempt to keep me. He knows I am out of the state in four months. He knows I am going home to get pregnant. Which was actually his job not to long ago.
I have no idea what to do. I did tell him, I would have to hear something really extra special for me to change my plans. Shit that still might not be enough. I am sick of being disappointed by this man. Can I say what well happen at this point. NO!!! Life is stranger than fiction. My life is not different.
You couldn’t have convince me five years ago, I would be buying sperm online and living with my mother again. We will see!! Presently nothing has changed but the man I have had known for 12 years creating controversy. God HELP ME!!
Not to mention every time I see another wedding or baby on Facebook I want to delete my profile. I guess I also have issues. But what else is NEW!!!
Well I am no longer in a relationship. He broke up with me via text message. No I am not making this up. He is so sorry that he couldn’t even face me on the phone. Then they wonder why we want to have children by ourselves. We had a text message battle on Friday. Yes I did mention he was a punk to do this via text message. I swear I hate this man. I only had few situations in my life where I experienced hate. This is one I can add to the list. Fuck him and I am glad I know what type of person he is now. He is just sorry in my book. If he came to me like a man and discussed this with me. I would be upset but would have had to accept it. No he couldn’t do that. So I hate him. He better never contact me again. I know he feels bad. I got text message at 12am asking if I was asleep. I just looked at my phone and thought seriously.
What is killing me about this is we have known each other for ten years. We have been friends longer than anything else. Well I decided not to dwell. My girl and I are going bowling and play pool. I am still in a bad place. I am going out with my girl who is less pressure. Not worrying about men at all. I have been asked on a few dates. Yeah I know I work quick. Well I jumped on my Yahoo IM and started talking to folks I haven’t talked to in months. I got three offers of sperm for my baby journey.
It is funny how men are offering me their seed. One offered and I was beyond shocked. I thought he loved the bachelor life. He said he wasn’t getting any younger and didn’t have kids. He is sexy also. He is another long story from my past. Well actually not a long story but a story I need to keep to myself. Our relationship was not the brightest moment in my history. Case closed on that LOL. I have to regroup and think about my next step. I decided I am jumping back into dating. I am going to save for my possible sperm purchase. I told a friend from home if a lump some of money comes into my life. I am going straight to getting pregnant and not worry about bullshit relationships. Right now I am going to have to save for that.
Either way god is on my side. I am going to keep taking my supplements for egg quality and move forward. One guy I lusted after years ago. He was so my type. I will not go into why we never got together. Well he is retired from the military and already has children. I told him he could father my children and give me the medical insurance for my babies through the military and we would be even. We had a big laugh on that one. LOL I am crazy!! I know it. If you can’t laugh at yourself then you are taking life to seriously.
I scratched my winning ticket. No bells and whistles this time. I did win 50 bucks. I have no complaints. I reinvested and will be putting my new lottery tickets on my night stand for later.
My weekend was uneventful. Boyfriend was out-of-town as usual. When I talked to him, he said his traveling should be winding down soon. Music to my ears. I said finally we can spend sometime. Personally I think he is sick of working every weekend.
I met a new friend this weekend. I actually met her before but we talked for three hours this weekend. It was such a great conversation. We kept saying we were so shocked we are so much alike. You can never tell someones story by looking at them. She is also going to work on having children. Even if it is by herself. I told her I have all the information she will need.
She was thrilled and couldn’t wait to get home to get the information I emailed her. It is nice to find another woman who feels as I do. It is a sisterhood. She assumed I was a lot younger than her. I must have a baby face. I have looked at this face for 36 years. I have been mistaken for being in my twenties. Once for being a teenager. When I smoked I was always carded. I would tell the clerk I know I look over 18. There were times I thought I looked older than it should. I have never thought it looked younger.
When we were talking and I told her I wanted a baby. She said I wouldn’t understand her desire because she was older than I was. I was wondering how old she thought I was. Or better yet how old was she? I thought we were around the same age. I said I am 36 how old are you? She screamed “we are the same age.”
A lot of people consider 36 young. I have been told you got time. Stop worrying about it. In baby making years 36 is not young at all. How do I know? All these damn seminars I have been to have told me so. Now granted I could plop out a baby or two with no problem. Which is my plan!!. 36 is still not young in baby making years.
I have a friend that is concerned about me. God love her!! I understand why she is concerned. She feels I am not happy in this relationship. I would have to say I am not bubbling over thrilled. I am not in hell either. I am in rocky point. I explained to her the fairytale relationship never came. Now I am in the reality relationship. Do I love this man. I think I have always loved him. Am I deliriously happy with the situation as it is. Hell no! Who wants someone who is never around? Do I have the right to complain? Not really. He told me this up front. I had a choice to accept it or not. I made the choice to accept it. I do have the right to change my mind in the future.
I am taking it day by day. I cannot predict the future. If I could I would not have waited around this long for Mr. Right to show up. Yeah I was one of those if I just be patient women. Not to say I wanted just anyone. I still will not accept just anyone.
I would have had my children by now. That is exactly what I would have done if I had the crystal ball. I wouldn’t have believed anyone if they told me at 25-34 that I would not be married or have children at 36. So here is where I am. Firmly in reality. I cannot visit anyone in fantasy or fairy tales anymore. I no longer believe when anyone tells me it will happen be patient. FUCK PATIENTS!!!
I don’t know how long this will last or is it permanent. The last time we broke up it lasted for a day. Who knows, it all came to ahead last night. I have tried to be understanding of this travel thing. The lack of contact was getting to me. It might be all for the best. We will see what happens. I am still focussed on having my baby. How I am going to go about it now? I have no idea. I need to refocus and figure it out.
We might get back together, or not. Either way I am a solider in life. I am very resilient as my aunt tells me. I just feel no one deserves my tears anymore. I have cried over to many men over the years.
I put on my big girl panties and whatever comes about I will deal with. I talked to my friend I met at the single mom’s by choice group. She is in a similar situation. Dealing with a guy she thought would take her out of that single mom by choice group. The key word is thought. Keep me in your prayers. My cousin is in town and has invited me to his friend’s birthday party. I am getting dressed up and plan on having a great time.
My life has never gone according to any plan I had. This is no different.
I have to say I am still upset. I am over it I guess. Well I am more disappointed than upset. The boyfriend and I talked again. I asked him if I was pushing him into this. I don’t know if I really wanted the answer. I couldn’t stop myself from asking. He said no I was not pushing him. He would tell me if he didn’t want to be a part of this. Then I asked him if he thought I was overreacting. He said yes. I expected that, and he is right. Then he said but that is you. I didn’t get offended by that, because it is true. When I get my mind focused on something my OCD turns on. It is nice he knows me enough not to let my issues bother him.
I asked him if he would take a day off next month. To my surprise he said yes without any prodding. That put a big smile on my face. I told him when AF comes I will count and let him know what day to take. Then I will take one-off also. I hope it isn’t Thanksgiving. That would upset my world big time. I have no family plans. He could be going home to see his family.
I am not going to think that way. Positive thinking needs to start. I bought a few scratch tickets today. If I win I told him I am sending him to spill his seed in a cup at the RE. So then I don’t have to worry when he is in town or not. LOL.
All this is not the outcome I wanted, but better than I expected.
I mentioned in another post the boyfriend and I were having issues. Well it all came to a head over the labor day weekend. There was steam coming out of my ears. Then the argument over the issues. Not our worst from prior dating, but still not nice. We both tend to hit below the belt. We also tend to not totally listen to the other when trying to prove our point. Then of course I will pick out things said and turn them around to prove my point. Which he quickly noticed and made the comment of needing to be a lawyer or something. Either way relationships are not easy. I cannot remember one relationship I was in that was easy. I care for this man. I know he cares for me. We came to a compromise that night. You could still hear hurt feelings on both sides in our voices. Then the next day I got a text asking me how I was doing. I wrote back fine and I asked him if he was mad. He said no and asked me the same. I said no, which I wasn’t. I was actually glad it was over. That day we hung out and it was great. Making up is great!! It would also be great never to argue but shit happens and no one lied to me and told me life was easy!!!