So Damn Tired!!!

I went to bed at 8pm. I woke up a few times to pee and get some gingerale because my stomach was sick. I am falling asleep at my desk at work. I am so, so, so tired. How do people have so many children. How do they deal with the older ones feeling like they are about to pass out. I guess it pays to have a good partner. I found out sour icebreakers make me feel better for a few minutes. Now my tongue is burning from all the sour candy. I can’t win lol!! I can’t say I am loving pregnancy at the moment. I can see how people only do this once.

I have a bunch of fears that I need to work on. I am debt. I have been in debt for a while and I hate it. I think it is a reality of life, but a hard one to swallow. Now when I go home with baby/babies in hand and get a good job. Which I am worried about. Getting a good job is on my list of things to do. The question is how easy is it to do in Boston. I have no idea. I left Boston doing one thing, now coming back I am doing something totally different. My goal when I do get everything together and a job is to get out of debt. I feel it hanging over my head.

I look at the job listing from time to time. I hate the job listing because they always give you the professional bullshit of what you do at the job. You could be shuffling paper and data entry busy work. They make it sound complicated. I want a job that is not stressful. Which I feel is hard to find in this day and age. I know I need to stop worry about something so far down the line. I have a cousin that worries about absolutely nothing. It is so effortless to her to not stress. That is so not me!!

I need to work on being more like her with the lack of stressing. Stressing about something doesn’t make you feel better or fix the problem or issue. It useless worrying. I know this but it is so hard not to do!!!

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Life throws curve balls!!

My computer cost 300 bucks to fixed. The motherboard was fried. The answer to that is hell no. The desktop was five years old and I believe I only spent $500 dollars on it. So I headed to Micro-center to get a new computer. The sales person told me they have a 12 month no interest credit card. I thought I hit the jackpot because I was going to charge it.  I was planning to purchased all my electronic needs with my new credit card.

I got denied. I sat there and looked at the boy conveying the news that my credit was shit. I feel bad for him because I went off. I have never been denied credit in my life. Even with my short sale I still have A credit. Which lowered from my A+ credit. I was about to walk away in shame and then said wait you didn’t call me. He said what do you mean. I have  fraud alert on my credit. So no one can steal my identity. I am supposed to get a phone call when anyone opens credit on this account. Then the manager got involved. We called Wells Fargo and they asked me a few question on my credit report and I was approved for 2,200 bucks. I knew that denial was bullshit.

After that was cleared up I bought a desktop and all in one printer , and a camera. I had to carry all that up three flights of stairs with my old desktop. It took a minute but got done. Then I moved a box in my house. I heard my back pop and I was done. My back was jacked up. My cousin came to get my old printer. Never get anything Brother it was piece of shit. Drove me crazy to set up. Every time the lights went out because of a storm or something, I had to set it up again. I was happy to get rid of it. She brought me a heating pad. I woke up the next morning and couldn’t get out of bed. I did make it to the bathroom eventually.

I been out of work for two and a half days. I did get some muscle relaxers from the doctor, with some high-powered ibuprofen. I went to work. I am walking like a 80-year-old woman. I got sick of laying in the bed all day. I haven’t even played with my new computer. Which is so unlike me. I also was supposed to have another insemination on Monday. There was no way I could sit in the car for 45 min to an hour. To get to his house. My back couldn’t take it. I rain checked. It is still possible I am pregnant. I did inseminate when I got the smiley face. Monday was two days later just to cover all bases. We will see what happens.

I forgot to mention, I lost 11 pounds. How the hell that happened I don’t know. I was reading this book about a dieting that my mom sent. I was going to begin the next day. The scale hasn’t been my friend in a long time. So I have kept it hidden and not gotten on it. Well I busted it out prison on Sunday morning, got on it. I lost 11 pounds. I thought to myself WTF. I am happy and confused. But going to keep it going more consciously then subconsciously like I have. Hears to more weight loss.

Pissed off!!!

I have a big ass stain on my carpet. How about I didn’t put it there. It looks like a stain coming from the bottom up. The apartment complex says it something I will have to pay for in the end. Can I say pissed the f off. I don’t know if I just didn’t notice it. Did the carpet cleaning they did before I moved in cover it up until recently. Well thank god my old roommates still have my carpet cleaner. I am going to try to get that crap up. If it works and comes back. I will use it again before I move out. I am always pissed to be left holding the bag for crap that wasn’t my fault.

I know the complex probably heard it all, but I swear there is no way in hell I did that. They don’t care, which was totally obvious when I was talking to the leasing agent. I have several months to worry about it.

Presently going to get an insemination tonight. I didn’t get the happy face today, but with my old calculations it should be tomorrow. New calculation it will be when I get back. I am trying not to be stressed anymore.

I don’t know what the hell is wrong with my scale. It looks like my weight went up again. To be honest I should have weight myself when I originally started this new plan. It could have went down. I decided to go back to weighting myself once a month. Clearly I can’t take looking at the scale to often.

14DPO (I am not smiling!!!)

I was reluctant to test this morning. I knew enough time had passed. I didn’t want any bad news. Well I looked at that test in all kinds of light. It screamed at me, Negative. I know I still could be pregnant. I can’t scream fail until I see my period shows up.

This process is some new kind of torture. I emailed Mr. Known Donor and he is still willing. I feel like I always need to check with him. I don’t want him to flake out on me. I am going out-of-town for a wedding next month. I pray it doesn’t interfere with my insemination dates. I have no idea if or when my period will show up. So I can’t calculate for the days I am going out-of-town.

I have one more first response I am going to test again in a few days. I am going to try to wait until the end of the week. I could be surprised.

I have another therapist appointment tonight. I am going to ask her about these coping skills. I need a few of them now.

 

Baby Project #40

testI was trying to make it to Sunday morning. My crazy person held up until Saturday evening. Still not first morning pee, but I had to test. I was at Walmart at 9pm buying more test.

Well the line was darker on Saturday night. Then I tested again at 5am Sunday morning. I didn’t mean to get up that early. My bladder forced me to. The line was even darker. I had to be very creative for the camera to show the second line. I am happy and nervous. This is what happened last time. I got the double line then it went away. Well I will be testing probably every other day for a while. Looking for that second line to get as dark at the test line. My friend said my known donor must have some super sperm. I am scared as hell!!! God is it possible?? Are you giving me all I desire??

Baby Project #39

The ex has been keeping in touch this week. Not sure what is up with that. I called him today and asked if he wanted to see Superman. We went to get something to eat first. He was near my location so I couldn’t go home and eat my food I had planned out. While we are standing in the restaurant, waiting to be seated I got this quick nausea. I was sick to my stomach. I hadn’t eaten anything. I ate my meal and was feeling even worse. I gave him the excuse we shouldn’t see Super Man. I heard from two people it wasn’t a good movie. Which is true, but I still wanted to see it. He asked me what was wrong why was I sick. I told him I don’t know. I did have an idea.

When I got home I took a first response pregnancy test. While I was waiting I was talking to one of my most supportive friends. I swear I saw a very very very faint line. I stared it for hours. I do mean hours. I put it in the trash and then kept picking it up to looking at it. Could it be!!! I am going to re test in a few days. Sunday morning is probably the longest I can wait.

After seeing a faint double line and being very disappointed before, I am trying not to be too excited. I can’t help it I am excited!!! I will keep you posted. You have to know I am going to look at that test a hundred more times before I go to sleep!!!

 

Baby Project #37

This two-week wait is so different from the others. I don’t have the paper to go to Quest Diagnostics. Waiting on pens and needles to hear a positive. Yes I have been looking online for the most sensitive pregnancy test. So I can test on my own.

I have come to my conclusion I need to be patient and just wait. I will buy a first response next week. Waiting with batted breath for a success story.  My early signs that I might be, or just going crazy.

1) My eye is twitching I have no idea if this is a pregnancy sign. When I got the positive the last time my eye was doing the same thing.

2) Sleep- I took a two-hour nap on Saturday and still went to bed early.

3) Stomach- feeling upset with my morning coffee

4)Twinges- I am feeling these twinges is the only way to describe in my uterus area.

5)Burping

I know all this could be real or me being dramatic. I am praying for the double line. I purposely did not take any progesterone. I still have the prescription. I don’t want to be upset with progesterone symptoms. When I get the positive test I will take the them.

Keeping hope alive everyday.

 

Baby Project #35

The waiting games begins again. It will be longer than the two week wait. I don’t have a doctor dishing out papers to have a blood test. I could pay for a blood test out of my pocket. I doubt I am going to do that. I am going to wait until my period shows up. Or not which I hope.

I realized my negativity has risen to new heights. I swear I expected my donor to be the usual type of assholes I meet. Granted he is not Mr. Communication. He has done everything he said he would do.

He is an all around nice guy, as far as I can tell. Granted I would never have dated him. Yes I did think about this. Would this be a man I could date. I like communication. I learned a long time ago, I can not be with a quiet man.

I went to the new GYNO. She won’t give me the Clomid. She did make a good point that she doesn’t think I need it. She wants me to take the Clomid challenge test. She likes that test better than the AMH.

To see if I really have bad egg quality. I am torn do I want to take this test or not. Yes it is more information. Do I need that information is the question. Will it make a difference in my process. I doubt it. Until I can get to MASS and get some health insurance coverage for fertility. I won’t make one bit of difference.

I would like to know if my egg quality is bad. Some good news would put a smile on my face. Even with that information they do not guarantee you pregnancy. There are no guarantee with anything in life. This process has surely taught me that.

 

Baby Project #19 Crazy is my name

First Pregnancy Test

 

I know my blood test is today. I still have the band-aid on. Last night I went crazy. I was pretty calm during the two week wait. Well that all fell apart last night. I had a first response in my house. I had this test for a long time, not sure why. I took it and got a faint double line. I would post it but I couldn’t get the picture to come out. Then I immediately went online. Found a site that stated any line is a positive. Or it could be to early or the test expired. I looked at the back of the box 2/2013. Now my face was hitting the floor. I put on some sweats and a tee shirt and was off to Walmart. It was 9pm and I didn’t care. I ended up buying four test. Clearly I didn’t do any research. One negative from EPT. Come to find out isn’t that sensitive. Another faint line First response.

 

Then the site mentioned taking them again on the first morning urine. I did and of course it wouldn’t be my life if anything was easy. The line was even fainter. I don’t even know if fainter is a word. But I am sure you understand what I am trying to say.

 

Then after some research I found out the dollar tree test is very sensitive.  I spent all this damn money and could have gotten a test for dollar. I was feeling very stupid at that point. Thought Dollar Tree was not open during my moment of craziness.

 

I went to take my blood test this morning. They said I will know in a day or two. Or they freaking mad. I will be dying in two days. I am barely making it now. So of course I went to Dollar Tree on my lunch break. I got three test, because one was just not enough.

 

I am going to take them when I get home. God please make this happen!!!

 

Baby Project #15

The two-week wait is torture  The expenses are totaling up. I am trying not to worry about them. I hate being in debt. I had a few pains in my breast. I hope that means what I want it to mean.

I am at work, having a hard time concentrating. I actually talked to my father again about my insemination. He said he wished me luck. I still think he would rather I got left by some man. Then do this process.

I read the single mother by choice forum. I have to say I am a little jealous. Not all but some have high-powered jobs. I know I wasn’t ambitious in pursuing employment. I just wanted my bills paid. I do alright but I wouldn’t call it high-powered.

It is funny a lot of women put their career on hold for children. I have to say I wasn’t one of those people. I always felt I had a job not a career. It is a career but since I don’t enjoy it, I feel it is a job. To keep food on the table and roof over my head. I am appreciative for my job. I don’t have much baby thoughts today. All to say I am praying for good news!!!