Missing Sex!!

Yes a relationship would be nice. Relationships that worked in my life was always hard to come by. Sex in my life was not that difficult. I use to have a few regulars. I get so real with you guys online. Hey I have no point to hide. Well the need for sex has always been there. Even when I went a long time without it. I have dated for a number of years. Had many short and mid length relationships. I would never call anyone long. Except for an ex that has come in and out of my life for 12 years. But there was no consistency there so I would not use that in terms of a long-term thing. I think he gave me a call when some other woman broke his heart. Not that he would ever admit that. On some occasions depending on my emotional state at the time I would let him back in. Then eventually kick him out again for the same exact bullshit each time. I know insanity.

He was supposed to be my child’s father. Thank god I dodge that bullet. I feel what happened was meant to happen.

I am trying to type with Ava on my lap and it is a losing battle. Now back to sex, good sex is always hard to come by. A good casual situation is even harder. I think I have had two casual situations that somewhat worked for short periods of time. They worked because I had no interested in them as long-term. Why did I keep them around. You got it purely for the sex. I find those two situations very unique. I know a lot of men who want to have sex with me. I am not bragging more saying men want sex. A relationship is something totally different. To have a casual situation that would work for me. There is a respect factor. Yes I know it sounds strange. But I demand respect. If you think you are going to treat me like a two dollar whore and I am going to lay down for you. You got the wrong woman.

Over the years I figured out which man just want to use me  and run. I have been caught out there with my feelings hurt because I thought a guy was better than what he was. That is when I took a three-year break from dating. To regroup and get myself together. Sometimes a break is needed in a big way. That was my break. Then I had another break when I decided I wanted to have a baby. So I do miss a guy being interested in me. Now the plumber who is hitting on me is nice. Not the guy I want but the attention is great.

He wanted me to call him. I am not feeding into that. I haven’t called. Being in this new city. I know I was born here, but knew in the since of my relationship. I clearly have no casual situation to jump into. Which I wish I did. I really never thought I would come back to this place. I should have kept up with some folks.

This is so bad, but my ex boyfriend from college dropped me as his Facebook friend years ago. I have no idea why. We didn’t really talk on Facebook other than when he first added me. Maybe his wife had him do it. Well that was 8 plus years ago. I think, or at least five. Maybe he isn’t married anymore. I wouldn’t mind meeting him some where. We were hot and heavy in that department in college and I didn’t leave disappointed. A girl can dream!!!

Sex and Power!!

The moment I have sex with someone I give them power. Sometimes it doesn’t bother me. Other times it creates emotional and mental chaos  I had my little escapade in my car. The kissing and touching and heavy petting. Well I had to put the ca bosh on what was clearly going to come next. I took a major rain-check on going to Mr. Man house and watching a movie.

Clearly the gate way to be butt naked doing the dance to give a way my power. This man was honest he has absolutely no time for me. Did he say that no. He said he can make time. Yeah right !!! I heard his schedule and it sounds like there would be no time to make. Plus the moment a man get some sex then the tables turn. You see what they are really about. At your expense. I have no intention of giving this man this power. I have no time in my life to figure out if he is an asshole. Do I want him physically?  Oh yes I do!!

I also am not the best judge in this area. My body tells me something totally different from my mind. So I took my damn self to see the Avengers at the two dollar theater  Now that he knows he is not getting the goods we will see if he keeps in touch. Since I didn’t give him my power and he doesn’t keep in touch. I can let that go a whole lot quicker. It would be clear that his interest was a sexual one and not friends. Yes the man did use the word friends.

We will see if he stands by that  since I have no interest in going to his house. I also am sick of this house dating crap. Take me out. It can be a walk , it can be for coffee. It doesn’t have to always have to be at someones house.

Since I now live with roommates my house is off-limits anyways. I am changing my whole approach and perspective. Is sex worth the danger it can bring to me. I would say no. Women know the deal. You sleep with the ones you don’t want and don’t sleep with the ones you do. I wish it didn’t have to be this way.

After being put through the ringer by many males I finally learned a few lessons. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Now I am changing lanes and doing a double take before I take any leap.

I was at lunch and my girl said do you want to F^@&@ him. I said no. Then don’t go to his house. That is pretty much cut and dry. My mind would tell me it is the total wrong thing to do. Where as my body would totally win over. So I am planning not to fail!!!

I might have F@#! up!

Film poster for Casual Sex? - Copyright 1988, ...

Mr. Persistence showed up on my yahoo IM. I met him in 2005 via the internet. He was new to Atlanta  when we originally met and he was parting. So I didn’t want to start anything with him . I felt he would learn about the Atlanta night life and forget my name. That happens with a lot of newbies. We fooled around in 2005 nothing major. He consistently would come in my life and see how I was doing. He has always asked to hang out. We got in several arguments over the years. Presently I can’t think of what most of them were about.

The random arguments would always make me think we could never work out. I felt he was very critical of me at times. I am very sensitive about criticisms. Some time would pass and he would contact me again like nothing happened. Well fast forward seven years. He contacted me again and was flirting. We all know how I have been feeling lately. I fell in hook line and sinker. He came over and we went to a place we haven’t been in the seven years we known each other.

We talked after and I wonder where this was going. I told him about my moving plans. I guess in my fantasy I thought he was at his home just as lonely as I was. This is totally in my mind because I never asked. I just went with my feelings and my body aches. He is dating. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I had no expectation when he came in the door. Now I have expectations when he is leaving. That is why casual sex for me is not a good idea. I don’t really no what to do in this situation. He didn’t do anything wrong in this situation. I don’t want to feel bad about myself on any level.

I have expectations but I have no idea what they are. I am confused! Hopefully the fog will clear soon. I have had casual sexual relationships before. This is with men I knew I didn’t want. I can’t say that about him. That might be a problem. I new casual sex is not my thing any longer. My body doesn’t know it but I am going to have to keep the mind focus. Mr Persistence hasn’t called. Which puts him in the ass hole category in my book. Which I probably knew all along. He caught me at the right time and place. It is all about timing. Lesson learned life moves on!!

Friends with benefits!

Friends (With Benefits)

I have had friends with benefits over the years. They are still friends they don’t live in my state anymore. Or they got married so the benefits are no longer.  I have been so focus on being a mother lately. I have went on a few dates but not as many as I use to. Also the friends with benefits was only reserved for certain situation. All this to say I am craving the human touch. Months have passed and now I just can’t shake it.

I text this guy that made my toes curl. We had a brief relationship years ago. We had a long conversation this morning. My first question to him is how was his relationship? There is a reason I start with that question. He said pretty much the same. I wouldn’t mind a see him again. Not if he is in a relationship. The reason I ask about his relationship is because I know him. We had great chemistry in that department. I know if I had told him what I called for he would have never been honest about his relationship.

Karma is a bitch. I do not want to be evolved in anyones cheating situation.

It doesn’t change the situation of my lack of male attention in my world. I don’t know what my next step will be in this department. I would be nice to leave GA on a good happy note. No one can disagree good sex is stress releasing. I have been under a lot of stress.

I was talking to a guy friend. He said I am sure there are plenty of men who would take you up on that offer. That is the problem I do not want a one night stand. I want a friend with benefits. There is a clear difference. A true friend will help you move. Will come get you if you are stranded on the side of the road. You don’t do the walk of shame with friends with benefits. He didn’t get it. Oh well he doesn’t have to. My one night stand days are over!!

I might just have to suck it up and ignore my body and keep it moving. I have no idea at this moment. It is on my mind!!!

The grass isn’t greener

I need to stay out of other people’s closets. I swear when I am not in a good place I look at everyone’s life. Their grass looks greener. I know they have problems and issues like every human being. When I am down on my life I have my nose pressed against the window of others lives.

When I was younger I swore god didn’t like me, or I wouldn’t have been in my family. I wouldn’t have all these issues and problems if god liked me. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Which I agree. All the issues and drama I have survived has made me who I am.

I know no one is issue or problem less. I am not the fly on the wall in their lives. I am working on focussing on my life. I went home last night and played my Sims game for about two hours. I haven’t done that in months. It was relaxing and stress free. I am going to start exercising tonight because I am focussed on losing this thirty pounds and being healthy.

Yesterday the bartender text me to invite me over. When did text replace calling?

He is a jack of all trades kind of guy. Massage, personal training and a few others. I told him I didn’t know if he wanted sex, a relationship or a client. He said all three would be nice. I told him I don’t pay anyone I am in a relationship or having sex with. I guess he found that amusing. I can’t say I found it funny. I was being sarcastic.

He kept pounding home me coming to his house. Did I mention he lives 45 min away with no traffic. Also that it usually takes me over an hour to get home from work in Atlanta traffic. I told him even if I just wanted sex he would have to come to me. I guess he saw that as an invitation. He invited himself to my house. He doesn’t get it at all. I am not interested in being his booty call. Which is exactly what is would be. When I was at his job he had no interest in me or my life. He asked a lot of sexual based questions.

He needs to bark up another tree. I told him why doesn’t he try asking me on a real date. He proceeds to tell me he is broke. A walk in the park would be a nice date I countered. That went on deaf ears. He doesn’t want that at all. He wants to get to my house. He needs to find him someone young in the mind. It is beyond obvious what he is trying to do. He will never know where I live and I don’t have time for his crap. He doesn’t want a relationship he wants an encounter and putting the words relationship on it for appearances.

Positive thinking take 2. My second day to turn negatives into positives wish me luck. The bartender is a good start. He finds me attractive which is a plus. It is a plus for my ego not a plus for him to get the candy!!