Freaking out!!

I have been taking these home pregnancy test. I took another first response and got a negative.  My fears have come true. This is what I have been scared of!! I have six positive test. Three negatives and I feel like my period might be coming. I am so sad. I need a confirmation one way or another. I haven’t seen my period yet but my sad face is on today.

I am going to wait and see if my period will show up soon. I swear all this positive and negative sucks big time!!!

 

Pissed off!!

This morning I was really upset with someone. She hasn’t really been optimistic about my baby journey. She did apologize after I went the hell off. Initially when I told her I planned to have children by myself. She said why do I want to do that. Kids are not all that. That is easy to say when you have them.

Then today I told her about the known donor. She knew I was upset about not getting pregnant after spending all that money.

Her: is this a boyfriend?

Me: No this is a donor.

Her: So your child won’t know their father??(FULL OF JUDGEMENT)

This is when I went the blew up. One of her children doesn’t know their father. Also she knows many people as I do with both parents. These kids are not the best and brightest. I told her that is why I can’t talk to you bible belt folks out here. She got defensive an apologized. I think people don’t know what they are saying. Another friend yesterday said you won’t know his medical history. I am thinking and your point is?  If I adopted a child I might not know anything about that child.

You know what’s the true problem. I need to keep my mouth shut. I am not saying another damn thing to anyone. Only to the people supporting the situation at the moment. I told the person I had the conversation this morning  I am not talking about this situation with her again. She apologized again and said she was really sorry. I do believe she was sorry. Why at almost 40 years old do people feel I need to explain myself. My damn mother is all on board.

Then people will judge you when they do the same if not worse in their own life. I told a friend about a causal sex situation years ago. She came down on me with a vengeance. How that wasn’t good. I saw red.

I asked her you do realize I know you. She said yes. I said I known you for years. She said yes. I said how dare you judge me when you slept with your now husband three hours after meeting him. I got an apology.

I swear it is only certain people who do this. Not to be funny but in my experience it usually the ones in church every Sunday. Not getting on the folks in church. JUST SAYING!!!

Known Donor

My reason to seek a known donor was purely financial. I went to the known donor registry website. I found a guy, and we connected for him to be my baby daddy. Then I was skeptical about that so I started looking through my cell phone to find someone else. One possible taker for sperm donation via cell phone contacts. A guy I had an on and off fling with. Purely physical no relationship. He would piss me off time to time and I would delete his number.

He offered to help. I believe purely for the sex factor. I was shocked with his offer and put in some real world scenario. Then I realized having a baby with this man could lead to major problems. He wants to be a daddy. Which I can understand being 41 with no children. With my plans to move to Boston, I don’t want any drama. He asked if my child was a teenager and wanted to come live with him what would I say. I wanted to say Fuck NO!! Then I realized this isn’t going to work out.

I went back to the guy on the website. Still unsure about him. We met this past weekend. Everything went well. He has no interest in being a dad. He fathered another child while helping another woman. I will see his STD screening. It is two months old. With me being me I wanted a current HIV test. So we are going to get one for free this weekend. Then full steam ahead.

I am praying pregnancy comes quickly. I hope this answers all questions asked. Any more questions feel free to leave a comment.

Baby Project #33

Donor picked FINALLY!!!.  I am glad I have a few people in my corner to discuss these things.

My cousin was very blunt about not using the donor who wants to be a father. It is easy to say what you will do when the child is not here yet. He could totally flip the script once everything is sad and done. Then I am stuck in a drama situation. That is not the move for me.

I don’t even have to keep in touch with the other guy after I am pregnant.  He is just helping me out and that is it.

I am sure my mind can change as much as it needs to. Right now I have the donor picked. I am optimistic. More optimistic than doing my IUI‘s. I know this could possibly not work. I feel it has a great chance of working.  Even more than the 10% chance the doctor gave me  with frozen sperm.

The first attempt will be this month. I am working on getting the clomid. Who knows I am taking the soy isoflavone this month.

Thank you to all lesbian on YouTube. When I looked up insemination it was a lot of lesbian couples on YouTube discussing it. Many did insemination with a known donor.  I appreciate anyone who has walked in my shoes before. I don’t have to reinvent the wheel.

 

Lord I need PATIENTS

 

Patients Included

 

I am having such a hard time with patients. I am ready to have my babies yesterday. I know I am blessed, everything went in my favor. House is gone check, Money coming in check. I want the money now and the moving done and insemination and pregnancy to happen right now.

 

I am already pissed off I don’t have a husband. Now when I finally make the hardest choice in my life. Which I am still having a hard time dealing with. I have to wait even longer.

 

I have so many fears. Yet I am beyond ready to get this party started. Why do I want twins?  I would love to go through this process once. Have a sibling for this child that has only one true parent. My mom is a twin so there is hope. Plus I heard older women have more twins, Black women have more twins and tall women have more twins. Check, Check, Check. Am I scared to death to have two babies at once. HELL YES!!! But I will work it out. Like I work out everything in my life.

 

I could just get up and go and let the chips fall. I don’t want to leave in total financial disarray. I am trying to be smart. When I really don’t want to be. I am trying to be responsible when I want to throw up my hands and say I don’t give a shit. I am trying to act like a grown up. When I want to stomp my feet and say why me. Why do I have to go through this crap. Why do I have to be different. Why can’t I have a baby with having sex and not in an office. An office I can’t get to yet until I move to Boston get a job and have some health insurance.

 

Life is stranger than fiction. My life seems so fictional at this moment. I am not living on my own. I been on my own for 12 years. I am giving up my dog. I know my heart will break but it has to be done. I am moving to a place I barely like to visit. All due to my need to have a child.

 

Something I thought would come with the husband first. The husband dream I had to lay to rest in my mind. The fairytale that might come true in another time but not in time for a child. The fear of having fertility issues. The fear of being pregnant alone. The fear of who will really help when my children are born. It is easy to say how much you will help when they aren’t here yet. When they are fictional thoughts in your mind.

 

Cut in dry I am a ball full of fear with no patients. I HAVE ISSUES!!!

 

Interracial Donor Children (article from SMC Newsletter)

Explaining the minority experience is not easy when you aren’t a minority. I am a minority. My experience is directly attributed to the racial climate I grew up with, my family and education. How do I explain to my child why their donor is white? The age­ old saying is, “if you have an ounce of black in you, you are black.” Interracial children can definitely have identity issues.

What if you look white and can be mistaken for white? This is not a new issue. It was very well depicted in the 1959 movie, “The Imitation of Life.” The black maid’s daughter looked white and was suffering with identity issues. She wanted to be white, because she saw that white people‘s lives were better than blacks. If she separated herself from her mother, no one would know she was black. It was a very sad story.

This issue has been the topic amongst several of my minority single mothers by choice friends. Most of these women never thought they would ever have to make the choice to be a single mother. It was a long hard process for me to accept this option. I had to mourn the dream of having a marriage before the baby carriage.

Once I dealt with all the emotions and the choice made, one of the next steps was picking a sperm donor. There is a small percentage of minority sperm donors compared to the percentage of white donors — not a small percentage of any particular minority, but of all minorities in general. To me personally this is not a big issue as I had two interracial grandparents. My family will be more accepting of the race of the child then how the child was conceived.

I had a conversation about this when I was talking to other minority single mothers by choice and how they picked their donors. A Latina SMC mom was happy to get her hands on Latino sperm. Another African American woman was trying to hold on to her African American sperm because her donor was no longer donating. A friend and I went through many sperm banks trying to find her more African American open ID sperm.

The best explanation I’ve heard about this issue came from a woman in the movie “Plan B.” She was Caucasian and picked Caucasian sperm. She thought the child already didn’t have a father, and was conceived with donor sperm, and she didn’t want to give the child another issue to have to deal with.

I remember watching a discussion of this on “Donahue” years ago, which was one of the first talk shows to openly discuss it. There were black women on the panel that had children with white men. Their children looked white. One of the women talked about when her baby was in the hospital nursery, and she asked the nurse to bring her child to her, the nurse told her no black babies were born that day. Another woman told about a time when she was in the park with her children, and a woman came up to her and asked her about her nanny services.

This whole SMC process is a series of hard choices. It is a reality that this is one of them for minority SMCs.

Plan B

It worked out great. I received my movie and had the house all to myself to watch in peace. This is the move for every woman even considering being a single mother by choice needs to watch.

I could relate with every woman in the movie. It is more up to date than And Baby Makes Two. I felt this movie was made in this century LOL. Don’t get me wrong I did enjoy that movie also.

They made it very clear they wanted a man in their lives. He didn’t show up. They were strong and ready to face the world as mothers. Not a woman stranded by a man who left them or a husband death or divorce.  They were women ready to make the choice to be mothers.

I also enjoyed the three-year update at the end. One woman ended up having two children. She had included her future husband in a family picture. The caption read he will be adopting the children. That was beyond beautiful to me.

This is not plan A. It is plan B. The judgement from others are un warranted. 50% of marriages end in divorce. So we can not assume even with the best intentions your children will have both parents.

I was talking to boyfriend last night. I said what if I was pregnant and needed to move back home. He said “you will have to do what you have to do.” Not the answer I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear I want a family. I wouldn’t want you to go. Ok reality check. If I really wanted to go home, would I want him to stop me. Probably not.

I still have this fictional fantasy of how things should be. Those god damn fairy tales. They have only hurt me in my life. Living in a dream world. I know if boyfriend and I don’t make it. If children are not produced from this relationship. I am ready to make the leap by myself. I have to make my happiness. Not wait for someone to give it to me. Or prince charming to save me.

Such a reality check. No husband does not equal pathetic life. Now with technology it also does not equal spinster with cats. I can have what I want. Thank you technology!!! With these medical advances and men willing to give their genetic material at a price, I don’t have to be a victim of circumstance.

It is so empowering I am beyond words.

Where is my damn package!!!

I been waiting for my Plan B documentary movie in the mail. After seeing the other movie Baby makes two. I was really excited to see Plan B. I have been tracking it.

I have no idea why it has been taking so long. I went into to my mailbox yesterday and it wasn’t there. I was talking to a friend and I realized no one got mail it was Columbus day.  Can I tell you I have never gotten that day off in my entire working career.

My mother always worked a federal job and seem to get every random holiday off. Why did I not get a federal job back in the day. That was a major miscalculation. 

My package is supposed to be here today. I have a meeting to go to after work and will not be there until about nine pm. I hope none of my neighbors bad ass children steal my movie. Yes we have to watch our mail these days. Damn shame. They will be very disappointed. I am sure many people have no interest in a Single Mother by choice documentary.  I have a few SMC friends that I will share the movies with. It is so hard to see people. I know this gets worse with children.

Everyone has there busy lives and you don’t connect often. I have a friend who is a cop. She only calls me in the morning when she is on her way to work. She has two kids, a husband and house to deal with. She usually doesn’t have time to talk another time. Since I am usually in Atlanta traffic it works out. My cousin only calls on her way home from work. Her son keeps her busy most of the time.

I do not begrudge them their quality time with their children. I am looking forward to my turn with my children. My cousin and I have gotten close again. She was my favorite cousin growing up. She is five years older and I always felt like her little sister. I got her hand me downs and I loved it. She had great stuff. I remember when I got her bike. I can’t tell you how much I loved that bike.

They moved when I was 12 out of the state. After they left or relationship seemed to end. Now as adults we reconnected a few years ago. We have the same profession. So it is nice to have someone to bounce things off of. Especially when they know exactly what you are talking about. I know if I was in her state we would hang out all the time. I really enjoy our conversation because it is like I have a big sister again.

I have a lot of family I don’t care for or talk to. Some know they are on my I don’t like list and some do not. I am not the phony type. So I don’t fake it. My cousin who is like my brother says I am wrong for that. I just don’t have time to play games and not just be me. Most people know I am the I don’t give a shit family member.

I don’t have time for fake. It is a waste of time. If you are real honest and not worried about show then we get along. If those things do not describe you I have no time or interest. Even if you are a member of my blood line. This blog is all over the place. I guess that is how I am feeling today. Some family issues came up this morning. Maybe I will blog about them later.

The boyfriend is supposed to come over tonight. Is it bad that I want to watch my movie, without him. Yeah I know it doesn’t sound good. In my defence my Single mother by choice mission has nothing to do with him. If and when we have children he will take me out of that category. I am still in research mode if that doesn’t work out. I know, I know!!! I need to be more optimistic.

Where Did These Kids Come From

Photos from "République du Chili", a...

Image via Wikipedia

I haven’t figured out if I like or hate face book. I guess with my desire to have kids, I started noticing all the people who have children. When did this happen. It looks like everyone has procreate and I didn’t get the memo.

The funny thing is I was never averse to having children. I wanted them, a lot of them actually. I wanted a house full of kids. I am an only child. I grew up with my cousin. It was just him and I always desired a lot of siblings. The fact that I have never been married and do not have children was not my plan. I had a master plan; right after the wedding day I was going to have babies. Now I am ready for kids and if I don’t get married I could care less. Not to say that I would turn away the man of my dreams.

I wish the epiphany came a lot earlier. The boyfriend I have now, I actually dated ten years ago. He was gun hoe about not using protection when we dated before. I was in the hell no mode. Unless you put a ring on it, that was not going to happen.

It is funny how things turn full circle. Our relationship is going ok. He still works a lot. Hopefully in a few months more quality time will happen. We will see. I am trying to take it all as it comes. My fantasies of my life are having a harsh push or reality.