I been feeling like a lump on a log. I haven’t been working on my projects at all. My daughter goes to sleep early like six o’clock. She starts off in the pack n play and ends up in my bed. I turn around and go to sleep early myself. I need to work on things that engage my mind. I been working on classes for my profession. Also these blogs I want to keep up on. There is another blog I have ignored for a few years. I need to practice my writing and get my life together. I know single mothers do a lot in their life.
When I put my mind to something I usually get it done. I want to be productive and feel like I am working on accomplishing my dreams.
Tomorrow I have an interview with another recruiter. Hopefully getting closer to getting a job. The money tree hasn’t blessed me with the funds to not work. I am still keeping hope alive on that front. My child like her mother sleeps a lot. I love to sleep which I been told is a sign of depression. Which I have to worry about going to a deep dark place in my head. I need to make my mind up to be happy. I know that is easier said then done. I have a lot of blessing and every time I am depressed I feel I am turning my back on my blessings.
I know I have many future blessing. I need to work toward them. I posted my weight on Facebook. I plan to be at my goal weight of 165 eventually. I got a lot of support for getting under 200 pounds. My cousin said he couldn’t do it he is very private. I told him we are different people. I am not really the be in the spotlight type of person, but if I can help someone I would. Not to say he wouldn’t. For me it doesn’t have to be someone I know intimately. Which are most of my friends on Facebook.
I just watch the marathon of 16 and pregnant where are they now. I felt bad for most of those girls. It was awful how stagnant a lot of their lives were. Some didn’t finish high school. Working low paying service jobs. A lot of their baby daddies not stepping up. All of it was very depressing and makes me feel great about my life choices.
I am watching my child sleep while I am typing on this eight year old laptop. I really need a new one, but don’t see the point while this one is still working. When I get a job I know I am going to be in the hustle of life. I am blessed I got to be home with my daughter for eight months. I never planned for this, so it was meant to happen. Still not totally broke yet, and waiting to file my taxes this year to get some cash. When the weather breaks and Ava is older we are going to be doing a lot. I plan for Saturday’s to be her day that we do something geared towards her. I still want more kids. I know I sound crazy, but I don’t want her to be an only child if I can help it. We will see how it goes.
I have finally admitted to myself and others my depresssion. I yelled at my aunt because when I use the word depressed to my family members they sweep it under the rug. Don’t they know people kill themselves. Granted I am not at that point. The point is depression is a serious issues. The problem is my family are a bunch of very selfish people. When they have a problem they want you devastated and listen to their every concern. When you have a problem you are just being dramatic and it really isn’t that bad. Or others are going through the same thing. Or be grateful because you are so blessed. Yes all these answers might be true but they do nothing for depression. It just makes me think they don’t give a shit unless it affects them in some way.
I am thirty pounds from my ideal weight which bugs the hell out of me. Granted I was over a hundred pounds away. That was in my twenties which was so damn long ago. I am discontent with life. No drug can cure that issue. I was thinking of going to the doctor and getting an anti-depressant. I have had these issues of depression since I was a teenager. I have always been told my issues have never warranted medication. That is a true blessing. Doping me up isn’t going to magically change my life.
Allot of my issues is a feeling life is so unfair. Granted no one told me it would ever be fair. Also there are many others who would love my life. I even had a friend tell me how she envied my life of freedom. Lately it hasn’t felt that free due to the bondage of my mind. I know everything can always be worse. I am looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.
The tunnel of work coming home to a dog and no children to open Christmas presents. I have been recommend to stop focussing on what I don’t have and focus on what I do. This is a challenge I am working on starting today.For the next three months I am not worry about a baby or a man. Or lack of money to have the baby on my own right now. I am focussing on what I do have and my physical, mental and spiritual health.
I am blessed to have my family. They drive me crazy but I am blessed they are here and healthy. I am blessed to have great friends to call me on my shit. I am blessed that I am healthy. You cannot buy health so I am going to try an appreciate it every day. I am blessed I can pay my bills and I am not homeless or struggling. There are so many people suffering I need to appreciate that I am not. I appreciate that my job is not that stressful. I like the people I work with. That is saying allot. I have had five jobs and two temp jobs in eleven years. It is nice to feel ok about going to work.
I have been so focussed on the negative the positive seems impossible to find. I need to improve my attitude and I know things will change.