I am so happy it is Friday. Even though I had Monday off, it felt like the longest week ever. I am in my room while Ava does her intervention. When I am in the room I feel she is distracted and the instructor and I do to much talking. I jump in late in the hour to get any information I need.
Life has been pretty dry. Still working on the weight loss which I feel will be a lifetime battle. I was talking to my cousin and she said she felt happy in the Gym. I have to say I am jealous, I wish I had an outlet. The Gym was never my thing.
I can see how depression can set in. Single motherhood can be very isolating. I am not the extrovert. I did have my own little circle. Which are in Georgia and I don’t have a circle here. I miss them so much. I do not regret anything I have done to date. All the ups and downs I am going through. Emotionally, physically and spiritually are worth it to see my daughters face everyday.
I am addicted to that little girl being in my life. She brightens my day. Even when I am frustrated and she won’t go to bed.
I want another one. Sometimes I feel if I say it enough it will happen. LOL If I had infinite amounts of money I would be working on it right now. Granted I don’t have it in me to do this alone again. You really get no break at all. I go to work then come home and it mommy time. There is no time off for mommy. Where as my friend can give her kid to her husband and head out the door. Feeling no guilt. Where that is not the case for me at all. #MOMMYPROBLEMS.
I love my daughter in ways I could not imagine. Motherhood on the solo is also harder then I IMAGINED.
She started having night terrors and waking up in the middle of the night and staying up. I am trying to figure out the cause. What I been lacking is sleep and trying to deal with it. It is almost worst then when she was a newborn. I was off work then and could nap with her. Now I have to head to work and she goes to sleep from being up all night. I find myself turning on the TV and putting a pillow over my head. I don’t feel like the best mom when I do that.
I woke up this morning with my head pounding like I had a hang over. I don’t drink, so that feeling is crazy. My mother let me sleep for an hour and a half. Thank god for my mother. She drives me crazy, but I thank god for her all the time.
I have been dating. Shockingly, I would consider myself in a semi-relationship. I will say semi due to the lack of any declaration. I have mentioned him before. The guy working on my house has stepped up to the plate.
He took Ava and I to lunch yesterday. So we drove my car. It was easier then moving the car seat. He was so attentive to Ava. I was like wow this is how this feels. I don’t have to do everything. He has been around since Ava was two months old.
He has been working for my family for about 12 years. I feel comfortable with him. We didn’t start off well. Hopefully it will continue to stay positive. He is my first choice for the second baby. He is a great father to his kids. They are grown pretty much. I wanted a second baby.
You would think I brought this up. No shockingly enough it wasn’t me. He asked me about having more children when Ava was about 5 months old. We moved here when she was 2 months old.
It is nice to be wanted. I haven’t had that feeling in a long time. I am keeping hope alive. I need to buy some ovulation kits to be ready for testing next months.
I started my new job. My boss at that job quit. She has been there a long time. She is going to a great opportunity. I am stressed because it has been crash course training. I feel like my life always has to have some drama in it. Or is that everyone’s life????
I been working on my YouTube channel. Trying to get subscribers and viewers, to make it visual income. My first position for YouTube is to help people. I was watching one of the video’s about growing your channel. He said do something you are passionate you are about. I am passionate about living my life to the fullest with no regrets. Having my daughter was one of the most powerful choices of my life. That coincides with my missions statements of life. If I can help anyone else, my heart would be full.
So it looks like I will be suing my job in small claims court. Everything isn’t final yet, but I don’t feel like dealing with this drama. In the same breath you will not walk all over me.
On the good news side. I might be a contributing writer on a website about different families. I would of course write about being a single mother by choice. I am so excited. My aunt asked are you going to get paid. Of course not. You don’t have to get paid for everything. You never know where it could lead.
My YouTube channel I was contacted by a reality show. You know I would never be on know reality show. They wanted me to do an interview because they were in the creative process of the show. I haven’t seen anything and they haven’t contacted me since the interview. So I have no idea where that was going to go.
It is funny how social media effects a lot of people and things. I did a video on Sears.com sucks and they contacted me to fix the problem. Which they really didn’t do anything but offer me ten bucks. I then did a sears.com sucks part #2. I also did a video on a cowboy bar that I had a great time. They contacted me and said thanks for the great review.
I know these youngings have made YouTube work for them financially. I have no idea how to do that. I am also not going to make video’s about things that do not interests me. Just to make money. Then it will feel like a job. I already have one of those that actually pays my bills. I feel like the old lady into social media. Hey there is a place for me. I do have followers and women have contacted me in all parts of my journey. I feel like I am helping people. That is what I really wanted to do. The only women talking about getting inseminated for the most part was lesbians. I felt we were not represents. Even thought I now several lesbian who are single mother by choice. When you see the video’s and you see it is two people on the journey and excited about a baby. That is not my journey. It is me alone, doing everything alone. I felt that wasn’t represented.
My daughter has been a sleep for three hours. Can I say loving it. Got a lot done. Even looking at my fantasy house I would buy if I won the lottery. Yes, I love to live in my head. My life is good but fantasy world is beyond amazing. She woke up but went back to sleep already after I change her diaper. I was going to give her a snack. I guess not a biggie for her. When she wakes up I will feed her dinner. Give her a bath and spend time with my baby.
I don’t think me and masonry guy are going to work out. I called and we chatted for a few minutes. He told me he works a lot and don’t do much else. I hate when men kicks disclaimers. I like you have no time for you. So if you are interested you have to deal with the bullshit. Even thought this man is beyond sexy. I can’t deal with the bullshit. Then he also said call me. WTF!!! If you are interested in me you can call me. I am not going to stalk you like I have nothing better to do.
He did put a little pep in my step by hitting on me. But sorry dude I can buy what you are selling. I have lost seven pounds since I have been back on my program. Finally the scale going down instead of up. 52 more pounds to go and I will be back to my fighting weight. Granted I don’t fight, I use that to say the weight I feel I look the best. In clothes at least. The abuse I have done with my body from being very overweight most of my life will need plastic surgery to fix.
I am over my issues with my body by now. Not the fat part, I will probably deal with that my whole life. The fact that no matter how skinny I get. I will have sagging skin etc. Just like my flat ass, I am over it. I am 40 it is what it is.
All is good in my world. I still haven’t made it to SMC meeting. I am working on it!!!!
I went to my family reunion feeling like a stranger. A lot of them new each other. Spent summers together and close. I was trying to figure out how I was related to these people. Who was related and who was a guest of someone else. Everyone was very nice. I did try to connect with one cousin my age who lived close. She wasn’t receptive at all. I don’t beg people to be my friend. I let that drop.
For the most part my mother and I are okay. Granted living with someone else can be a challenge. She does get her attitudes that drive me insane. But she does do a lot. Ava would not go to sleep. Screaming her ass off. It was one am. My mother came and got her. She ended up sleeping in her room. I woke up for work with a few hours of sleep. She said she didn’t go to sleep until 3am. I was so thankful to have my mother at that moment. Those moments make me feel like I made the right decision. That is not how I feel everyday believe me. But I need to start appreciating the good and stop bitching.
The house is getting together. We got the floors done in the living room and dinning. My mother and I are going half on the living room set. We ended up getting the one my mother wanted. I really didn’t care either way. It made her happy so I thought why not. It was also more money. It is coming on Saturday.
I am the queen of listing my mother defects. I am sure she is the queen of listing mine.I am going to try and do better.
I might have a date. Our stairs were cracked during the blizzard. My aunt and I was driving by and found a masonry to fix the stairs. She did more the talking. So this was more then four months ago. Five different people came and looked at the stairs. My mother and I were concerned about a lawsuit if someone hurt themselves. It is not all her fault, but my aunt takes forever to do anything.
Anywho, my mother ended up calling the guy my aunt and I met. So I came home from work and he was working bent over on the stairs. I asked him could he look at the check to make sure we spelled his name correct. He asked me if I was married as I walked away. Which I totally missed. My mother heard listening from the window. Oh yes she is nosy as hell. But in this incident it helped me. I ended up going back outside. He asked me if I was single. He is so damn sexy. I am in shocked he hit on me. He is also 36. LOL I am robbing the cradle. I am not going to pursue until our stair are finished. Which hopefully will be tomorrow.
I had her birthday party today. It went great actually. It only cost 130.00 bucks. For the place. I got six pizza’s two salads and four servings of french fries. This place didn’t do family style. So I bought some tins to put the food in. The plumber gave me 100 bucks for the party. I did not ask. I actually tried to give it back. Then I said WTF am I giving it back. I took it. So pretty much he paid for the party. Because I put down 50 dollar deposit.
She had a Chica cake.
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If you don’t have kids, it is a little chicken on the sprout network that she loves. Ava went to everyone with no crying. I was so shocked. My mother couldn’t believe it either. This child cries when anyone tries to hold her. She was in love with Grandad. I am about to line him up as a babysitter. At least to get my toes done and other random errands.
Dad also put 100 bucks in a card. I was thinking damn, I can’t remember when I got 100 bucks. I guess grandchildren are always different. Life is good. Things I need to work on. I am patting myself on my back for getting through year one. I can’t believe I started from newborn to now. It flew by like a whirlwind. With so many transitions and drama it is crazy. I can’t believe I moved here driving from GA. We did it in one day with a two month old. Moved back to the city I hate. With my mom, can’t believe that. Blizzard of 2015, new job and etc.
I made it in one piece. Thank you Jesus!!! No my baby!! My baby is now a toddler.
When I created this blog and my YouTube channel it was for so many different reasons. My blog was so I could write and keep my juices flowing writing. I would love to be a writer but what I learned about myself is I am the biggest procrastinator. Then I used this blog to bitch about my life. Also tell the success and everything good and bad. I love all the comments and the people who support me.
I started a YouTube channel to talk about random things in Atlanta. Also my natural hair. I was actually intrigued with YouTube and wanted to be a part.
Once I started on the baby journey I started to share that on YouTube. I also have random video’s about my life. I don’t know why I didn’t want to merge them and let you guys know about it. Some of you guys have found me on YouTube. Not sure if you know I am the same person.
Today is a new day. I have a YOUTUBE, Twitter, Blog and instagram. I am going to continue to write in this blog. Check me out on YouTube if you like. I have gotten a lot of praise for putting the message out about being a single mother by choice on YouTube. I know when I went to YouTube when I started my journey there were on Lesbians discussing IUI’s Or couples with fertility issues. I am trying to spread the message. The reason is I never thought I would do this. I only considered it because my neighbor was doing it. Which has been the best blessing of my life. All random and I have my beautiful baby. A baby I would have been tortured not to have. Waiting on a man. Which is what I was doing.
I wish I thought of this before I began because some of my video’s I look horrible. In my pajamas and such. I am going to attach my first SMC video and my other links. I have about 25-30 videos on being a Single mother by choice. I love you guys for being there for me so I am going to share a little more with my other venues. Wow I haven’t watched my first video in so long. I am so far removed from that place I was in then. Life has turned around three times. Documenting your life can be a trip.
I am starting to feel like a real mom.Two birthday parties this weekend. Ava and I are going even though it is raining. My friend said people won’t come to your party,if you don’t go to there’s.
We have another party on Sunday. They can’t wait to see her.
I put my resume online. Three recruiters called me. I have an interview with one on Monday. The ball is rolling. I am nervous to start new job. New people and politics. Traveling in the Boston weather. Having to learn new things, perform and be reviewed. I am praying I am going to get a great job with great people.
My daughter is in her crib. I have a few minutes to myself. My aunt got mad, because I didn’t want to talk to her while I have an hour of peace to myself. My mother and I argued because Ava cried when she first was put in her crib. My mother doesn’t like to hear her cried. I told her she needs to get over it. Things are going along no complaints.
My child wakes up at 4:30am. Sometimes she makes it to 5:30am.
Tonight we are going to a harvest party. Churches do harvest inlue of Halloween. My mom said she wouldn’t go because it’s in Roxbury. Granted not the greatest part of town. I am not worried about going to a church.
Plus she gets to wear her Halloween outfit. There is a possible work contact at this shindig. My unemployment ends in two weeks so I better get hopping on a plan. I am not broke yet, but I also don’t want to be.
I realize my baby is a crier . When you hear it a lot you start getting amune to it. So miss thing doesn’t want to play or eat and is clearly fussy. Meaning she needs a nap. I put her in her crib and cries. With in ten minutes or less she is asleep. I was doing well with putting her in the crib until she got sick. Then I went into hugs and kisses mode. Plus I watch her on the video cam the whole time. She woke up today after fifteen minutes. Instead of rushing in there I let her cry for two minutes. She fell asleep again. She needs these naps. I got to do dishes and use the bathroom in peace. Which might seem like small things, but they aren’t to me.
I owned my own home. I was not a big fan of owning. Having to be responsible for everything. So I am back home and they have been putting a new roof on our house for the past three days. My aunt is here saying she is supervising. Which I find funny since she knows nothing about a roof but okay. She is mad the contractor is not here. I told her the contractor sub contracts it out. She is mad he went 3k up on the estimate. Which I would agree with if she didn’t sign the contract and get more involved with it before these men were up on our roof. Basically a man second guess it and now she is pissed. I do understand the feeling of being jilted.
When my door got kicked in I had to get a new door immediately. I know I got taken by the amount and the horrible workmanship. My mother said there was five roofer up here. I have no idea why she picked this guy. There is a lot more work that needs to be done. I pray this doesn’t slow down the process. We need a new bathroom big time. I am going to pray for things to work out. I still don’t want to hear the bullshit. She is on her way here I am sure that is what I am about to hear.
Being a mother is very interesting. I really think it would be different without my mother’s input. I have to suck it up. This is what is best for my little family. She amazing. She turns over and lifts her head up. She also loves to talk. I know her and when she is tired and needs to sleep. She has her own personality. Mommy is her main girl. Everyone else is second fiddle to me. Which I have to admit I secretly love. I can’t really leave her on my bed she is moving and grooving. I am not comfortable leaving her on the floor. Especially with this crazy cat lurking. I am feeling there is going to be some crying in the pack n play. While I get a bottle or whatever I have to do. I can’t have her in my arms all the time.
Life is good and I am trying to appreciate it.