Yes a relationship would be nice. Relationships that worked in my life was always hard to come by. Sex in my life was not that difficult. I use to have a few regulars. I get so real with you guys online. Hey I have no point to hide. Well the need for sex has always been there. Even when I went a long time without it. I have dated for a number of years. Had many short and mid length relationships. I would never call anyone long. Except for an ex that has come in and out of my life for 12 years. But there was no consistency there so I would not use that in terms of a long-term thing. I think he gave me a call when some other woman broke his heart. Not that he would ever admit that. On some occasions depending on my emotional state at the time I would let him back in. Then eventually kick him out again for the same exact bullshit each time. I know insanity.
He was supposed to be my child’s father. Thank god I dodge that bullet. I feel what happened was meant to happen.
I am trying to type with Ava on my lap and it is a losing battle. Now back to sex, good sex is always hard to come by. A good casual situation is even harder. I think I have had two casual situations that somewhat worked for short periods of time. They worked because I had no interested in them as long-term. Why did I keep them around. You got it purely for the sex. I find those two situations very unique. I know a lot of men who want to have sex with me. I am not bragging more saying men want sex. A relationship is something totally different. To have a casual situation that would work for me. There is a respect factor. Yes I know it sounds strange. But I demand respect. If you think you are going to treat me like a two dollar whore and I am going to lay down for you. You got the wrong woman.
Over the years I figured out which man just want to use me and run. I have been caught out there with my feelings hurt because I thought a guy was better than what he was. That is when I took a three-year break from dating. To regroup and get myself together. Sometimes a break is needed in a big way. That was my break. Then I had another break when I decided I wanted to have a baby. So I do miss a guy being interested in me. Now the plumber who is hitting on me is nice. Not the guy I want but the attention is great.
He wanted me to call him. I am not feeding into that. I haven’t called. Being in this new city. I know I was born here, but knew in the since of my relationship. I clearly have no casual situation to jump into. Which I wish I did. I really never thought I would come back to this place. I should have kept up with some folks.
This is so bad, but my ex boyfriend from college dropped me as his Facebook friend years ago. I have no idea why. We didn’t really talk on Facebook other than when he first added me. Maybe his wife had him do it. Well that was 8 plus years ago. I think, or at least five. Maybe he isn’t married anymore. I wouldn’t mind meeting him some where. We were hot and heavy in that department in college and I didn’t leave disappointed. A girl can dream!!!
My mother was sick, The baby is getting over being sick. I guess it is my turn. I just want to sleep. A five month old that isn’t entirely possible. I know people are against kids and electronics, but it has turned into a single mother best friend. I have her watching infant stimulation, leap-frog learning videos. It keeps her attention for about ten minutes. I have toys for her but she isn’t old enough to play by herself. When I need to wash dishes or anything else I try my best to entertain her.
I started looking for a job yesterday. My mother and aunt asked me what was the hurry. The hurry is I haven’t won the lottery yet, or independently wealthy. So I am need to make money. Plus I am apply for the jobs I am truly interested in. There were a few jobs for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. I am actually going for a lower level job. I don’t want a management job. I am not looking for the stress of management. I don’t want a bunch of overtime. I want to do my job the best I can and take my butt home. I don’t want any crazy job stress. I have enough stress in my life. I also have my plan if I win the lottery life. As I always stated my fantasy life is ten times greater than my reality. I guess that use to be true. Now thinking about it my baby Ava trumps my fantasies. It still would be nice to win the lottery!!!
It is starting to get cold in here. People do not turn on the heat early. I have my electric blanket on high. I hate being to cold or to hot. I haven’t had to much of a social life. Which to be honest since I have been on this baby journey for about three years. I haven’t had much of a social life. When I first moved to Atlanta I was party central. I know that was so long ago. I don’t want to be party central, but I still want to look good. Not like I gave up on life and interacting. I miss having a man interested in me. I have talked to my ex. We talked for a few days and I haven’t heard from him since. I know having a baby and leaving the state has finally put a nail in the restoration of our relationship. Which is actually a great thing. Even thought I wasted to many years with that on and off again relationship. I am glad I got my baby and not waited for him to marry my ass. I would have been dead and buried before that happened.
I needed ink for my printer. I purchased this wireless printer which I love. I bought the black ink from Micro-center. Which wasn’t cheap. I decided to hit eBay and find ink at a cheaper price. I looked at the description it said new. I guess I was naive. With the move and everything else going on, I just replaced the ink. I was shocked when the printer shot me an error Counterfeit ink. WTF!!! really. Granted the boxes did not have the company name on it. I thought it was new until I opened it.
Of course I figured a way around the error message. It took me a good half an hour. I was not going to wast the 50 bucks I spent on all the counterfeit ink. That was made in China. I bought the damn printer I should be able to put what ever ink I want to in the damn thing. It also had some error about refilled ink. Just like corporate America don’t want you to be frugal. Sometimes buying the ink is more than the printers. I needed to print something, so I didn’t rest until I figured out a way to say screw you error message.
Ava room still has a bunch of crap in it. In my defense she is a handful when she is awake. Also I sleep when she sleeps. I should get over that now since she sleeps all night now. I am addicted to naps. There is a window pain that is out of one of her windows. She will not be in that room until she is at least six months old. She is almost 3 months. I have no idea where the time goes. I want to buy her a dresser of her own. Her stuff is all over the place also. My unemployment still has not kicked in. I have no idea what is taking so damn long. No point in complaining, they seem to move slower when you do that. I called when they said they would have a decision. Then I was informed it will be sometime this week. What is the decision, my place of employment said they will not reject unemployment. What more do you have to do.
My food was great today. I am 238 pounds. My goal is 160, then it will be on and popin. Did I mention my High School crush kind of asked me on a date on Facebook. Well I am not going to give an answer until I can fit in my cute clothes. 80 pounds are not going to fall off in a week.
I really need to set a schedule of what I am going to do with my days. So I don’t look back and think all I did was waist me time while I was home.
I had to wake up this morning to go to my weight loss meetings. I officially start tomorrow. I am excited and nervous. No more crappy food. I am not looking forward to eating right. I do use food as comfort. I am looking forward to a sexy small body.
I realized today, my child is antisocial. She cries when I give her to someone else. Which makes me feel so special. Then on the flip side makes me feel like I will never have a social life ever. We went to visit family today and every time they picket her up the tears came on.
Even my mother can’t get her to stop. I am really going to pray she grows out of that quick.
I have made it through lunch of day three. I haven’t eaten any crap. I am so proud of myself. I couldn’t make it one day before. When I took that day off and decided to join the land of the living again. I swear I got a wave in my mind. It said stop the bullshit and get off your ass and just do it. I know it sounds crazy. The moment I picked myself out of that bed. I had to have been for about 16 hours. I made the choice to stop the crap. I am making my own destiny. Presently it was wasting away. I don’t know if this new awakening will last. But dammit it is here today and I appreciate it. I even ran on my home treadmill. Yeah that piece of exercise equipment that has barely been used. My ex would come over and ask how many miles have you put on it. He knew my ass never got on that thing.
He always wanted to let me know when I wasted money. Yes one of his pain in the ass quirks. I wanted to tell him if he wasn’t giving me any money. Stop counting my F-in money.
So today I didn’t get what I needed to at work. You come in to work with a plan. I had it written down. I was going to be so productive. I was going to blow my own mind. Well one of my employees had an appointment. I had to cover one of his morning tasks. No problem a few minutes. An hour later I am thinking WTF. The day I do this it isn’t working. There goes my plan. I figured it out and another department has to make a correction. I got back on task. Now almost the end of day and all I wanted accomplished is lacking being crossed off on my list. Oh well!! You make plans god laughs. I know my place of employment got there money’s worth out of me today.
So I decided to do the Soy 3-7 and give those days another chance. I am also going to take the Mucinex. They say you take it two to three times a day five days before you ovulate to get the cervical mucus correct to get the sperm to the egg. Hey I am down for anything at this point. It is on my shopping list for tomorrow after I get off work. They say drink a lot of water while taking this stuff. So I made a mental note of that. Also there is no harm if you take it to long. So since I don’t have my ovulation down to a science at this point. I am going to start my anticipated five days before my ovulation. I am also going to get on my knees and start praying.
Second insemination yesterday complete. I was a little worried. He text me he was exhausted. I wanted to say I don’t give a shit, stick to the plan. I know that is ugly, but I can be honest on my blog. He did come through. I haven’t gotten any response from a possible new known donor. So I have to work with what I got for the moment. So now the waiting game is on. I know me and I will be crazy in a few weeks with the first response test. I can lie and say I won’t, but come on!!
I am going to the therapist today. I am a little nervous. She didn’t call to confirm my appointment. We will see if she shows up. I never had a medical appointment not confirmed the day before.
I need to work out my issues. I know everyone has issues, mine just seem a little too much these days. I am so freaking happy I found that damn happy face. I thought my ovulation went to shit.
I remember the doctor telling me she didn’t want me to ovulate early. I usually ovulate on the 10/11 day. She wanted it in there longer to grow. I might have hit the jackpot. I didn’t get the happy face until the 14 day. So if there is any truth to her theory that might have helped out. I don’t know if the soy isoflavone helped also? I know I am going to keep taking it. I know I felt my ovulation this month. That never happens to me, so hopefully I am doing something right.
I am not sure if I should buy more ovulation predictor kits. I don’t want to be without if I need them next month. Also I need to know the cheap early pregnancy test. If anyone in the blogosphere knows where I can order online, Please put a link in the comments. It would be much appreciated, because first response can get expensive. Especially with my constant testing.
I still can’t believe I had six positive pregnancy test last month to disappear. The good news is I can get pregnant. Now how do I do it and stay pregnant with a healthy child or children???
I went away to a bridal shower in Philly this weekend and gained weight. I am so pissed off with myself. I am giving up the latte’s that been giving me empty calories. I am going to follow my food plan this week and see what happens by next Monday.
Known donor stood me up yesterday. I have to say I was beyond annoyed. I called him when I got off the plane. He said he would be ready in a few hours because he was at his dad’s. Three, four, five hours later nothing. No response to my messages or text. He turning me into a stalker. I finally got my smiley face last night. Thank god it was still there this morning. He left me a text at 4am stating his cell phone died and he fell asleep.
I wanted to say, excuse me do I look like I am dating you. I don’t want any bullshit excuses. Which is exactly what that sounded like. So I don’t want to miss this month. I am going there tonight and hopefully tomorrow and look for a new known donor. Which sucks the big one. I was finally getting comfortable with him. Hopefully it takes and stays this month and I won’t have to worry about anyone. Here is to baby dust.
I been having Decaf coffee today. My eyes can barely stay open. I am having some issues. I came home and had a rash on my face. I have no idea where it came from. I am going to pick up some benadryl on my way home. I am clearly allergic to something. I wouldn’t care if it was anywhere else on my body. My face is too much. My make up did a great job of covering it. Thank you GOD!!!
I have been very nervous. I want this baby to stick. I want it to be twins. I know I have to give it all over. NOT worry about it. That is easier said than done.
I took another first response this morning. It didn’t look darker. The line was still there. Granted I would have started my period today. It is not here and I am still stressed. I believe the stress will not subside until I give birth!!
I am trying to stay in the day and not project!! Clearly this was meant to be.
The ex has been keeping in touch this week. Not sure what is up with that. I called him today and asked if he wanted to see Superman. We went to get something to eat first. He was near my location so I couldn’t go home and eat my food I had planned out. While we are standing in the restaurant, waiting to be seated I got this quick nausea. I was sick to my stomach. I hadn’t eaten anything. I ate my meal and was feeling even worse. I gave him the excuse we shouldn’t see Super Man. I heard from two people it wasn’t a good movie. Which is true, but I still wanted to see it. He asked me what was wrong why was I sick. I told him I don’t know. I did have an idea.
When I got home I took a first response pregnancy test. While I was waiting I was talking to one of my most supportive friends. I swear I saw a very very very faint line. I stared it for hours. I do mean hours. I put it in the trash and then kept picking it up to looking at it. Could it be!!! I am going to re test in a few days. Sunday morning is probably the longest I can wait.
After seeing a faint double line and being very disappointed before, I am trying not to be too excited. I can’t help it I am excited!!! I will keep you posted. You have to know I am going to look at that test a hundred more times before I go to sleep!!!
OB/GYN appointment has been made. Now I am waiting for my positive results to actually confirm the appointment.
I decided to find a OB by my job. I will change the appointment when I am several weeks in. My Gyno now said my pregnancy will be high risk from the start. The moment she lets me go she wants me to have an OB ready for me to see. I love that her plans are so optimistic. I am looking forward towards the weekend. I was off two days this week for my insemination I didn’t get to sleep late which sucks!!
I was working on my vision board last night. Almost all the things have been printed and cut out. Now it is time to glue and post to my poster board. I want to brain storm again and see if I am missing anything.
I realize that I have less things I need to put on my vision board than before. Less things on the board shows progress to me. I have several books I need to read. I am going to work on that!!! I decided to take a writing class also. It is an online class. I need to start working on my dreams. I actually have more dreams than motherhood. I have to get started!!
I bought another SMC choice friend a baby showers present. It was the best baby shower gifts I ever bought. Not because of the amount or the actual gifts. It was a gift to a person like me. Someone who is where I want to go. I was going to buy one thing but ended up buying two things. They were not on her registry. I know some folks have issues with that, but I think she will love them. I try to buy gifts I feel people will use. I hope she likes it 🙂
Brica Baby In-Sight Auto Mirror, Magical Firefly and the Munchkin Nursery Projector & Sound System