I am waiting to see if my company will settle there issue with me. Or small claims court here I come. I am not going to be walked over. As my aunt said I have education, I will find another job. If they make my job difficult they will have another lawsuit on there hands.
All this to say, I drank coffee at 9:30pm to work on many things. My YouTube channel. I will add the latest video at the end. My possible writing gig. Also looking for a new job. Not sure how much will be taken care of this evening. After two cups of coffee I am still yawning. I am going to make my best efforts.
I am concerned about Ava and her development. Her speech isn’t coming the way I think it should. I say think because I have no idea how this is supposed to happen. What I read on line she is not doing. I have a doctor’s appointment this Thursday coming up. I will discuss it with the doctor. See if she needs some early intervention. Which is free in Massachusetts.
I was talking to my friend who owned a daycare for a number of years. She told me what to do, to help her speech. Then she heard her say up on the phone. I didn’t hear it. Now I am starting to think I need to have my hearing check. With bum ass job and it B.S. health insurance. I will wait until I get another job and better benefits. I know that sounds crazy. But I can’t afford to get sick. Even the benefits lady who was telling us about it called it the don’t get sick plan. Is corp America really that bad. I would have to say hell yes.
I want another baby. I know right I must be smoking crack. As much as I bitch and complain. I think we would be complete as a family of three. Just a dream at the moment. Something to pray about. Hey Ava was just a thought also. I believe it can be possible. I know I will have less help because my mother is doing the best she can now and it is a stretch. Reality is a bitch!!! My fantasy world is amazing!!!
I had her birthday party today. It went great actually. It only cost 130.00 bucks. For the place. I got six pizza’s two salads and four servings of french fries. This place didn’t do family style. So I bought some tins to put the food in. The plumber gave me 100 bucks for the party. I did not ask. I actually tried to give it back. Then I said WTF am I giving it back. I took it. So pretty much he paid for the party. Because I put down 50 dollar deposit.
She had a Chica cake.
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If you don’t have kids, it is a little chicken on the sprout network that she loves. Ava went to everyone with no crying. I was so shocked. My mother couldn’t believe it either. This child cries when anyone tries to hold her. She was in love with Grandad. I am about to line him up as a babysitter. At least to get my toes done and other random errands.
Dad also put 100 bucks in a card. I was thinking damn, I can’t remember when I got 100 bucks. I guess grandchildren are always different. Life is good. Things I need to work on. I am patting myself on my back for getting through year one. I can’t believe I started from newborn to now. It flew by like a whirlwind. With so many transitions and drama it is crazy. I can’t believe I moved here driving from GA. We did it in one day with a two month old. Moved back to the city I hate. With my mom, can’t believe that. Blizzard of 2015, new job and etc.
I made it in one piece. Thank you Jesus!!! No my baby!! My baby is now a toddler.
When I created this blog and my YouTube channel it was for so many different reasons. My blog was so I could write and keep my juices flowing writing. I would love to be a writer but what I learned about myself is I am the biggest procrastinator. Then I used this blog to bitch about my life. Also tell the success and everything good and bad. I love all the comments and the people who support me.
I started a YouTube channel to talk about random things in Atlanta. Also my natural hair. I was actually intrigued with YouTube and wanted to be a part.
Once I started on the baby journey I started to share that on YouTube. I also have random video’s about my life. I don’t know why I didn’t want to merge them and let you guys know about it. Some of you guys have found me on YouTube. Not sure if you know I am the same person.
Today is a new day. I have a YOUTUBE, Twitter, Blog and instagram. I am going to continue to write in this blog. Check me out on YouTube if you like. I have gotten a lot of praise for putting the message out about being a single mother by choice on YouTube. I know when I went to YouTube when I started my journey there were on Lesbians discussing IUI’s Or couples with fertility issues. I am trying to spread the message. The reason is I never thought I would do this. I only considered it because my neighbor was doing it. Which has been the best blessing of my life. All random and I have my beautiful baby. A baby I would have been tortured not to have. Waiting on a man. Which is what I was doing.
I wish I thought of this before I began because some of my video’s I look horrible. In my pajamas and such. I am going to attach my first SMC video and my other links. I have about 25-30 videos on being a Single mother by choice. I love you guys for being there for me so I am going to share a little more with my other venues. Wow I haven’t watched my first video in so long. I am so far removed from that place I was in then. Life has turned around three times. Documenting your life can be a trip.
I needed ink for my printer. I purchased this wireless printer which I love. I bought the black ink from Micro-center. Which wasn’t cheap. I decided to hit eBay and find ink at a cheaper price. I looked at the description it said new. I guess I was naive. With the move and everything else going on, I just replaced the ink. I was shocked when the printer shot me an error Counterfeit ink. WTF!!! really. Granted the boxes did not have the company name on it. I thought it was new until I opened it.
Of course I figured a way around the error message. It took me a good half an hour. I was not going to wast the 50 bucks I spent on all the counterfeit ink. That was made in China. I bought the damn printer I should be able to put what ever ink I want to in the damn thing. It also had some error about refilled ink. Just like corporate America don’t want you to be frugal. Sometimes buying the ink is more than the printers. I needed to print something, so I didn’t rest until I figured out a way to say screw you error message.
Ava room still has a bunch of crap in it. In my defense she is a handful when she is awake. Also I sleep when she sleeps. I should get over that now since she sleeps all night now. I am addicted to naps. There is a window pain that is out of one of her windows. She will not be in that room until she is at least six months old. She is almost 3 months. I have no idea where the time goes. I want to buy her a dresser of her own. Her stuff is all over the place also. My unemployment still has not kicked in. I have no idea what is taking so damn long. No point in complaining, they seem to move slower when you do that. I called when they said they would have a decision. Then I was informed it will be sometime this week. What is the decision, my place of employment said they will not reject unemployment. What more do you have to do.
My food was great today. I am 238 pounds. My goal is 160, then it will be on and popin. Did I mention my High School crush kind of asked me on a date on Facebook. Well I am not going to give an answer until I can fit in my cute clothes. 80 pounds are not going to fall off in a week.
I really need to set a schedule of what I am going to do with my days. So I don’t look back and think all I did was waist me time while I was home.
I been trying to decided if I was going to contact my donor. He did send me an email three months before Ava got here and asked when was my due date. I haven’t heard from him since. I asked my birth team what I should do. They said I could at least tell him she was born. I really wanted to stay anonymous. Granted I have been very public in another venue. More anonymous to my locations. I know it sounds crazy. I want him to stick to the agreement. Not changing his mind and the drama insures. I called, I thought this warranted a phone call. He answered and said he works nights now and couldn’t talk. I said okay, I will send you an email. I sent him a short email thanking him, and I attached a picture. He wrote back quickly. It took less than ten minutes and it said congrats she is beautiful. He didn’t answer my question about meeting her when she is 18. Oh well, I did my part. He gave me the blessing of my life. I could careless if he wants to communicate.
Well in Ava news. We went to my friend’s house. She screamed the whole time we were there. My friends seem to kidnap her as soon as she walks in the door. They also could careless if she is crying. They have kids and don’t think it is a big deal. Me on the other hand with this being my first child. I don’t want to wear out our welcome. As soon as we were driving in the car she was fine. She has a doctor’s appointment tomorrow. Her eyelid is red. It has been red for a while. I want the doctor to check it out. I went to the doctor today. When I got to the center I really felt I didn’t like the place. I loved my new doctor. She is young and hip and cool. She is also a family doctor, So Ava can go to her to. After Ava appointment tomorrow, I am going to change her doctor.
She filled my neurological prescription and put me on birth control. Granted I don’t see any sex entering my life anytime soon. At least not casual sex. I am not interested in that type of relationship anymore. I want a relationship. I am willing to wait for it.
I also went to the DMV today which was a nightmare. Granted in Massachusetts you do everything in one place. Where as Georgia, you have a different office for registration then a driver’s license. I went through everything and was kicked out of line. I didn’t have cash for the registration. Which I had no idea I needed. Thank god the ATM in the place had enough cash in it. My customer service rep that kicked me out of line said it might not. I didn’t want have to drive around looking for an ATM. It only took another ten twenty minutes. It would have been less, but the next rep locked himself out of his computer and had to call tech support to get back in. Yeah only me. I was rushing, my doctor’s appointment was coming up. I brought my mother Coffee colata on the way home. I don’t know if she will be able Ava all day when I work. We will see. I think dating will be beyond difficult. I really don’t know when I am going to fit that in. Life will calm down. I want to have everything working smoothly and then I can focus on Ava and myself. Such as getting her room together so I can figure out what clothes I need to buy. Slowly but surely everything will work out!!!
Clearly by the picture you can tell I failed waiting to go to the doctor’s office. I woke up went to the bathroom this morning. Then was doing my usual get ready. Every time I went into the bathroom, I saw all my test. Yes I had at least five test from prior testing addiction. I only used one of these clear blue easy. When I researched them they are not that sensitive. This when I was testing crazy early. So I pissed in a little Dixie cup. Put it in the urine. Then put it on the counter. I walked out the room to do something else. I couldn’t have been gone but a minute. When I came back I was in shock it was immediately pregnant. Prior months testing I have been looking at barely noticeable lines praying they would get darker. I also remember using this test before and it saying not pregnant. I got my phone took a picture and text it to all my supporters. I know I shouldn’t have said anything. I couldn’t help it, I was so excited. I am still nervous it is very early.
I have a doctor’s appointment on Monday. Which only to confirm then make another appointment. Watch what you ask god for, it might actually happen. I felt in my bones I didn’t have some crazy fertility issues. I held to that belief. The only test that was important to me was the HSG. Once I knew my tubes were open I was good. When I spent all that money not to get pregnant a few things happened. The doctor said you have no problem ovulating. The second thing because I did so bad on that test that tells you if your eggs are old. I can’t think of it right now. I guess I blocked that bullshit out of my mind. When I did the insemination in the doctor’s office they expected me to have one egg with the medication. I had five, they were shocked. So I felt I could get pregnant. I needed a man. Basically because I couldn’t afford fertility treatments. Also she was only giving me three chances. Not that I could afford more. I felt that was crap. Everything happens for a reason.
I was still doing the hypnotism on my own. I know it sounds crazy. I do believe the mind is more powerful than you think. I never created my own. I swear I think of things and don’t do shit. I found the hypnosis video on YouTube and would play it when I go to sleep.
.bingeing. It is funny all the things you can find on YouTube. I also thought it couldn’t hurt. They say don’t listen to them while driving a car. Also be relaxed and it is okay if you fall asleep your subconscious is getting the information. I know this isn’t for everyone. I feel like who knows. I believe the mind can make you do a lot of things. I came up with this in my therapist appointment. I asked her if she thought hypnosis works. We had a long discussion and I was off listening to one or these subjects at least three times a week. The money hasn’t come yet, but the binge has decreased and I lost eight pound and didn’t know how. I got a positive pregnancy test. So shit something is going right. If it ain’t broke don’t fix it. So I will keep listening to my YouTube hypnosis. No one else is in the bed with me that could possible get disturb by this. One of the great things about living alone. Keep the baby dust coming my way. I know I need to work on my fears. HERE IS TO NO MORE FEAR!!!
I found several others and I would rotate them. The laws of attraction, prosperity (meaning money), Losing weight, not
I have made it through lunch of day three. I haven’t eaten any crap. I am so proud of myself. I couldn’t make it one day before. When I took that day off and decided to join the land of the living again. I swear I got a wave in my mind. It said stop the bullshit and get off your ass and just do it. I know it sounds crazy. The moment I picked myself out of that bed. I had to have been for about 16 hours. I made the choice to stop the crap. I am making my own destiny. Presently it was wasting away. I don’t know if this new awakening will last. But dammit it is here today and I appreciate it. I even ran on my home treadmill. Yeah that piece of exercise equipment that has barely been used. My ex would come over and ask how many miles have you put on it. He knew my ass never got on that thing.
He always wanted to let me know when I wasted money. Yes one of his pain in the ass quirks. I wanted to tell him if he wasn’t giving me any money. Stop counting my F-in money.
So today I didn’t get what I needed to at work. You come in to work with a plan. I had it written down. I was going to be so productive. I was going to blow my own mind. Well one of my employees had an appointment. I had to cover one of his morning tasks. No problem a few minutes. An hour later I am thinking WTF. The day I do this it isn’t working. There goes my plan. I figured it out and another department has to make a correction. I got back on task. Now almost the end of day and all I wanted accomplished is lacking being crossed off on my list. Oh well!! You make plans god laughs. I know my place of employment got there money’s worth out of me today.
So I decided to do the Soy 3-7 and give those days another chance. I am also going to take the Mucinex. They say you take it two to three times a day five days before you ovulate to get the cervical mucus correct to get the sperm to the egg. Hey I am down for anything at this point. It is on my shopping list for tomorrow after I get off work. They say drink a lot of water while taking this stuff. So I made a mental note of that. Also there is no harm if you take it to long. So since I don’t have my ovulation down to a science at this point. I am going to start my anticipated five days before my ovulation. I am also going to get on my knees and start praying.
I will be at my first appointment for baby project tomorrow. 9am will be the beginning of this journey. Still very scared of the financial portion. I did see the amount I might have to pay for my blood work. My insurance company emails me the claims. It was 300 bucks. Yeah me!! I thought it would be a lot more than that. So we are starting off great.
Tomorrow appointment is going to be more than that. I know this is what I signed up for. I am still scared to death.
I am also coming to the clear realization I am in love with my ex. I always knew it in the back of my head. Just because you love someone does in no way mean they are good for you. All that remains to be seen with him. Also not my focus at the moment.
I didn’t go to acupuncture this weekend. Probably should have but didn’t feel like the drive and reporting the news I am not pregnant. I am going to head out there next weekend.
Yesterday I went to a friend’s house and had Nigerian food. It was great. I really like it. Shocking to me because I can be very picky. I do love West Indian food and it had some major similarities.
The ex did come over. We were supposed to go to dinner, but he was too late for that. He did take this big box to my car for Good Will. I am starting to see the issues of living on a third floor. I did actually start putting my apartment together last night. Of course I got motivated after six pm. Which left me well into the night putting stuff together. I still have a bunch of boxes all over the place. Slowly it is coming together. I am glad I have a storage closet off my balcony. I am keeping all my boxes for later moving.
A good friend I haven’t talked to in a while called. I love hearing from her. She is one of the few people who came to visit me in Georgia. I really need to make it out to VA to see her. Not to mention I have family that live in the VA, DC area. My mom ran into her mother recently. Her mom asked my mom about me coming home. My mom had to inform her that is on hold for a while. I ran my mouth so much about leaving, but not as much about staying. That is clear from all the people taking an interest of me being in Boston. I was planing to move last month. The major thing that sucks about GA compared to MA. MA has a mandate that the health insurance covers fertility. That would be so nice to have right now.
I decided it time to get back on point with my faith and working with the law. I am breaking out that book that was given to me years ago. I need to find it. Working with the law. When I really got into it, I saw major positive things happen in my life. I believe they were happen all along, I wasn’t appreciating them. It is time to get back on board.
I went to the gym yesterday and going today. I re committed myself to myfitnesspal. I am 210 pounds. Yes I am admitting that on my blog. I am six-foot tall, so I am not huge. I know I need to lose at least 30 pounds. That will all be on hold when I am pregnant. (Notice that I said when, Staying positive!!!). But for now, no junk and overeating. I clearly have a lot on my plate. Keeping hope alive!!!!
This all started with a 39 year old friend that desires to have children. She enlisted me to do the research IUI Artificial insemination. This was a topic I knew absolutely nothing about. I always wanted children. I desire more than one, being that I am an only child. I always wanted a sibling. I had the fairytale in mind. I would have a husband, house, and three children. Well I have the house that is all I have in my fairytale.
My friend who are married are not making marriage look appealing. My fairytale never included conflict and divorce. With this IUI investigation I finally connected the dots that my desire for children does not have to be banished by my single status.
I know plenty of single mothers. Granted they did not choose to be a single parent. The choice was made for them as a reality of life. I told a friend of my thoughts and desire for a child. Her first response was all the financial expenses with a child. I had to agree. Even though I make a decent salary, I still feel I have a hard time supporting myself. Daycare, Diaper and Milk in my monthly budget as it is would not be possible. Also my profession and it time constraints are an issue. I cannot leave a child in daycare for 12 hours a day. Also living so far from family doesn’t help with single motherhood.
My mom would love for me to come home. I mentioned my thoughts of having a baby by myself. I was waiting for her to tell me to be patient and I would be married. I was shocked she was cool with the idea. She wants grandchildren in the worst way. I am the only one who can make that happen for her.
Others issues makes the idea of coming home difficult. The housing market makes it impossible to unload this house I bought eight years ago. The only way to get out from under it would be foreclosure. Not a present worry since I’m still employed. It ties my hands for leaving the south. I could always rent it. That comes with its own set of issues. I have a lot to think about. All these cons do not take away my desire for children. I am 35 and counting. I don’t have many years to come up with a plan.