Santa is gone!!

Christmas is over and I have work bright and early tomorrow. I didn’t scratch all my lottery tickets. Maybe I will get through it tonight. Or maybe I will save them for New Years. Dave and I are on the outs. We might get over it, might not. When people say relationships are hard, I totally understand. I swear my life changes on a dime.

I know I am quick to pull the trigger and kick someone to the curb. Not one of best traits. I will work on it in 2016. I did not tell a bunch of people what happened with Dave and I. I learned from my mistakes. If you let to many people in, it opens it up for opinion. I use to welcome those opinions back in the day. Now not so much. What I decided to do where he is concerned I will work out myself. If it ends in a big ass hear break, I will call my road dogs for comfort.

I am still considering having another baby. I will make the decision by the summer. Ava is doing well. She is a happy baby, who makes me laugh all the time. Her lack of speech does bother me. Only because I don’t want my baby to have any issues. Then I watch the St. Jude commercials with children with cancer, and I thank god my baby is healthy.

She wasn’t really into Christmas. Spent more time playing with the boxes, and the cheapest toy. Didn’t like the dolls. The talking Elmo got about ten minutes of attention. We will see what happens next year.

I really like my job so far. I had to leave early last Thursday to take Ava to a followup Doctor’s appointment. No more ear infection thank god. We had to do two rounds of antibiotics. I have noticed my baby is a brat, and cries anytime she doesn’t get her way. Which I ignore, and Nana does not. LOL she knows she gets away with murder. That face is hard to see cry. I do it!!!

Bad Christmas date!!

I met this guy at IHOP for our date. I was excited to have a Christmas morning date. Well the excitement ended when commented on what I ordered. He seemed like a control freak. Not to mention I thought I was on an episode of who the bleep did I marry.

 

In casual conversation he alluded to being a spy. Did he use the word spy. No, but he worked for the government in some capacity that seemed very secretive. Even thought he mention random things. I was told not to ask questions because he couldn’t talk about it. I am thinking to myself this guy can not be serious. Did I mention he had a few other suspicious employment. He kept going on and on. Did I mention he took his daughter on a stake out with a woman that sent to him by the government to be his date.

 

His main job is a fireman. I am sitting here wonder what type of woman falls for this crap. I got the feeling he had someone call him to get him out of the date. Thank god I wasn’t his type. I did not want to spend any extra time with this fool.  I have to chalk this up to one of the most crazy dates. Oh well, I got a free breakfast and a crazy story.

 

I am going to pray for anyone woman who encounters this man and believes his foolishness.

 

Ominous IHOP

Ominous IHOP (Photo credit: Mike Propst)

 

 

 

Christmas Vacation

I have been enjoying all my time off. I really haven’t done much but sleep. I did end up at the store a few times. I actually bought my roommates more than expected. I saw a few gifts in Walmart I felt they would really like. They were fairly cheap but I knew they would love it. I guess it is my way to get in the Christmas spirit. My family isn’t very big on Holiday‘s.

I am still waiting for this job to tell me something. I am ready to TTC. I am scared to death for many reasons. I am praying I am fertile and it all goes very quickly. I am scared to be pregnant. I guess I am scared of everything. In my fear I am beyond ready to start trying. I have a date tomorrow morning. A breakfast date. I will see if it happens. He hasn’t confirmed. He wanted to go to Waffle House. Which I agreed to at first. Now I had a change of heart. I am working towards my goal weight.

I actually have a new resolve to my weight loss journey. 2013 is going to be a great year. I decided I am going to make it exciting and get out of my comfort zone.

 

LIMBO

English: Limbo, near Honeygeo

I don’t know what my future holds. They haven’t said anything else about the promotion as of yet. So that is on hold. Which puts baby making on hold. I been tracking my ovulation over the past few months. I should have gotten the double line today. I did not. I don’t need any more problems. I am hoping the double line shows up tomorrow.

I received a Christmas gift from my mom. It was nice to have a box to open. I guess I could have waited but I didn’t. So sweet of her. We are not really a Holiday family. Everyone asks why I don’t go home for the Holidays. First off it is cold. Second my mother has never been big on the Holidays.

I need to bring my ass home. I haven’t been home in almost two years. That was for a funereal.  I wasn’t in a rush to visit because I thought I would be living there permanently in a few months. If this promotion comes through and I take it I will have to plan a visit home.

I picked my top three choices of sperm donors. I saw on a website where a woman had a donor party. She posted the top three choices and let people put them in the order they would choose. I thought that was cute and emailed my friends and family the profile information to see what order they would pick. It went pretty well until one friend told me she wouldn’t use two of them at all. Which is fine I didn’t mind her opinion. But it sounded like she expected me to drop them from my choices based on her opinion. Ahh NO!! I know more about these men than any man I have ever slept with. One friend made me laugh. She said damn I wish he could be the father of my child.

I made my choices I was sharing. I guess I could have kept it to myself. Other than that one person I enjoyed what others had to say.

I choose based on intelligence, weight, essay, eye color. I was content with my choices. One of my donors doesn’t even have a picture. Some think that is strange but to me it wasn’t a big deal. Does a baby picture really tell you what they are going to look like as adults.

I have seen very cute kids turn into not so attractive adults. So it wasn’t a major thing for me.

I started online dating again. Well I guess I never stopped. I just put the location back to Georgia. I got a lot of emails. Seems like I am fresh meat LOL!! I am not looking for a relationship. Male company would be nice. I have my plans and I am moving forward. No interruptions !! It is all stemming on this job. If that doesn’t work out back to plan A and I am leaving the south for good.

No longer a Risk taker

Boston Common (TV series)

Image via Wikipedia

I moved to Georgia with nothing. I had a 1997 Mazda 626 with a hitch on the back. Which had a small TV 19 inch, clothes and books. I was sick of Boston. I was sick of my family. I was sick of always running into people who knew the old me. The fat no self-esteem girl. I wanted different. I was sick of snow. I was sick of living at home.

I did not come to this conclusion on my own. I went to this big party around Christmas. I ran into this girl who stole my fake boyfriend when I was 16. Yes I was in love with this green-eyed boy who road the church van with me and my cousin.  I didn’t attend this church. I went to their outing they had on Friday nights.

I was in love with him. Well my version of staring and wishing and praying he would notice me. He noticed her and they had one of those quick teenage romances. I wouldn’t have cared, but she knew I was in love with him. So needless to stay I still had a grudge against the bitch. So when I ran into her at the party 9 years after she stole my fake boyfriend I wasn’t happy to see her. I should have been more mature I was 25.  I was also no longer the fat outcast. I was the tall thin and sexy new girl on the block. Oh well moving on.

She moved to Atlanta. She was in town visiting her mom. She was telling me all about it. I said that is nice and tried to get away from her. Then she said you should move their too. I said no I couldn’t do that. Not that I wanted to stay in Boston. I always wanted to leave. I tried to get my best friend to move with me several times. We always did a lot of talking and no moving.

Then the statement came out. I know she was being a bitch. The words stuck and hurt my soul. Well you are 25 and you live at home with your mother. You don’t want to be 30 living at home with your mother.

I went home that night thinking about that statement. I love my mother, but I didn’t want to live with her the rest of my life. A childhood friend who was a nomad since graduating high school. She moved state to state with ease. She said you will never be truly independent until you leave your home state.

I had no fear. I was leaving. When I decided I was on a mission. I got a second job to save money. I was leaving in exactly six months.  I quite my job, packed my stuff and was off. My cousin took the drive with me to my new home state. My mother cried. My uncle told me I wouldn’t make it and would be back. I told him god had my back and I truly believed it.

I slept on a sleep sofa at my cousins house in my new state. I got a job in about two months. Then I moved into an apartment with a guy I known for three weeks. Yes that is right  I hadn’t even known him a month. We met on the train and I was smitten. I didn’t move in with him because of that. I was trying to get the hell out of my cousin house. The situation had run its course. I was about to be homeless if I didn’t make a move.

The guy and I lasted a total of three months. I kicked him out and I have been on my own ever since.  How about him and I are still friends. I talked to him a few weeks ago.

Eleven years several jobs a house purchase a dog addition. I am still here, still kicking.

That was the biggest risk of my life. I took that risk with ease. I want to know where is that girl. I want her back. I need to find the old me and breathe life into her. I knew no obstacles. I miss her.

Family Drama

What is a holiday without a good dose of family drama. Well I have to say I was not spared this holiday. Even thought I live over an 18 hour drive from my family. I was granted the family drama via the phone. First I got very emotional over some family business that I felt was not being taken seriously. Then I had two family members crying to me over the phone for different reasons. One accusing me of taking the other persons side.

All I could think is why are they calling me with this. I am not the most sensitive person. I know it and it isn’t a family secret. I guess I have a hard shell towards my family because I feel I am never heard and feelings never taken into consideration. So  it is hard for me to listen to the crying with much sympathy. I know that is horrible. I am no therapist, and I don’t want to be in the middle at all.

I love my family but I feel they can be very selfish. There feelings are the most important. Have you ever talked to someone and they seemed to spin it to how it affects them. There is always some come back with their pain and issues when you have something to say.

Then when you dish the same thing out to them all hell breaks loose. I got blasted for doing the exact same thing to a family member she does to me. She told me I was insensitive and mean. I said wow I took that out of your play book. I asked her did she remember doing the exact same thing to me. Why is ok for her to treat me like crap when she feels like it. When I treat her the same way there is an up roar of drama. That is my family what can I do. I can pick my friends I can’t pick the family I was born into.

I try to focus on my behavior and how I treat others. I am moody and I know it. When I don’t feel like being bothered I want to be left alone. I am not always in the mood for family B.S.

I have a right to take myself out of the equation. I have to protect my feelings I can’t worry about everyone else.  If I took all their dramas on to myself I would be on many drugs. God bless them, God change me!!

Christmas Weekend

Santa Claus

Image by Christopher S. Penn via Flickr

I went to my meetup group on Friday night. With it being the holiday weekend the turnout wasn’t that great. I met three new possible friends. One woman suggested we go to a Cowboy club not to far from where we were. We had a great time. We also met at a bar the next night. I met one guy at the cowboy bar. He was nice but we will see if I hear from him. My vacation is about to be over. I have a frown on my face. I want more vacation days. I did make a Santa wish.

I am close to Forty and making a Santa wish. I thought what could it hurt. I did not go to anyone’s house to eat. I stayed home and enjoyed some relaxing time.  I will be back to the grind tomorrow.

Merry Christmas

We Wish You a Merry Christmas (video game)

I wish everyone a great holiday and many more. This year I am going to focus on being blessed. I have many things to be thankful for. Granted I look at my life and see gaping holes that I want filled. I desire things that I haven’t been able to make happen. It really gets to me at time.

This up coming year I know will bring new blessing. I have a feeling my life will be changing. I am staying focused on the positive. Which is very difficult for me because I am such a negative person. I am going to work on the Laws of Attraction this year. When I put my heart in soul into that state of thinking, Great things were happening.

Then I fell off as usual with everything I try to do. I need to stop focussing on the past which I cannot change. My head has been stuck in my past mistakes. How I wish I had baby desires earlier. How I wish I sold my house before the housing crash. How I wish I should have given that guy a chance who really wanted me. I can wish all I want, but those things will not change.

My plan is to leave those things in the past.  It is hard but I am really trying to work on it.

Cougar Town

English: Line art drawing of a cougar.

My coffee date did not happen this weekend. I received a rain check due to a work Christmas party. Men confuse me to the tenth degree. I didn’t hear from him for the entire weekend. Then I check my email on Sunday night and he sent me emails. I am thinking why didn’t you call me. Who sends emails on the weekend to stay in touch. During the week it is cool . I check my email all day at work. I emailed him back and said you could have called. When has picking up the phone become so taboo.

Well with his lack of attention I worked on my new blog. Which took a whole lot longer than anticipated. I swear my bright ideas always sound great until I have to put work into them. Well a new guy hit me up online.  He is not actually new. We have talked online a few weeks ago. He asked me via IM if I had any prospects. I told him one which was the coffee date that went bust. He seemed disappointed he was not on my list. I told him he is some random dude online. I haven’t even talked to him on the phone. If he wants to be on the list he needs to get in the game. I received a call that night. I guess he took me seriously about getting in the game. I told him you can’t stand on the sidelines to be a first round draft pick. He is really into sports so he found me hilarious.  Either way we talked and text all weekend. He is 28 6’2 and has a cute smile. I am eight years older than this guy. He doesn’t seem to mind so I guess I don’t either. I think I need to be 15 years older to really be a cougar but hey 8 years is a lot of years in my book.

I have no reason not to talk to him. So far so good. He hasn’t been inappropriate in any way and so far seems like a nice guy. I obviously still got it if the youngings are trying to get my attention. I shouldn’t be shocked, I have been told I look young. I don’t see it but hey it is great for the ego. Santa might bring me a cub for Christmas!!!

Random Life Stuff

The new guy has been holding my attention. We haven’t made plans for a date but that is fine. I might be seeing him this weekend. I am not in a Christmas mood at all. Actually I never celebrate. When I became a teenager my mother wouldn’t even go shopping and wrap anything anymore. She asked me what I wanted and gave me the money. We stop putting up the tree or even thinking about doing all the traditional things. On a few occasions my mother did decorate the porch with lights. In yearly fashion she would be too lazy to take them down and they would sit up there for months and months.

I guess I am not a holiday person. Or a birthday person either. I never really care about celebrating my birthday. I guess I am a person that doesn’t make a big deal out of much. I did request money for my new security door from my family. My mom and my aunt said they will chip in. We will see how that goes down. Presently it is sitting on my credit card waiting for Home Depot to get their ass in gear and install it.

I bought some photo editing software to start my new little project. Well it is actually a big project. I am starting a new blog that is more of a soap opera with pictures. I like to be creative and keep those juices flowing. I am going to use my game the Sims 3 to create my dramas. So I went to Best Buy and tried to purchase an easy Photo editing software. With it being the Christmas season no one was helping me. I actually saw a few employee standing around but I wasn’t in the mood to chase them down. I picked up this program and brought it to the cashier and asked if I could return it. She said yes within 30 days. So I thought I would give it a try if I don’t like it bring it back.

I was banging my head against the wall all night with this program. I was returning it the next day. I get to a different Best Buy. They tell me it can’t be returned by federal law when software is opened it cannot be returned. Now if I knew this information before I bought it, I would have taken more time with this purchase. I was also pissed because I saw it on Amazon.com for half the price with free shipping.

I was going to walk out the door and take my 80.00 lump in my bank account for nothing. As I walked to the door I thought hell no. The lady told me I could return it. So I proceeded to have a manager called and explained my situation. I was being dramatic which was just a tactic to get my money back. I was thinking 80.00 on something I am not going to use. I can put that money on the door I just bought. She returned it. I told her Merry Christmas and thank you. It was very nice of her since the law was in her favor. Even thought employees told me I could return it.

I went home and found some free wear GIMP. It is great and easy to use. Well it isn’t that easy to use. YouTube has a bunch of tutorials on how to use it. Which is great I need a visual explanation not written. I love YouTube, I don’t know what I did with out it.  So here is my first draft of what I was working on.

 

 

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