My therapist gave me homework. I haven’t really had homework since I took a online class. Which was for personal growth more than anything else. That had to be over five years ago. I really need to start giving myself homework and maybe more thing can get accomplished. I was in a group for weight loss. It is anonymous so I am really not allowed to say much about it. My therapist said so many thing that the group preaches. I left the group for personal reason. I might go back, but not ready at this point. I have been upset with the outcome of my life. I felt a lot better when she told me I am not original for thinking that way. Thank you GOD!! I don’t want to be a lone loser complaining. My life is blessed in many ways. I know but why am I not appreciating that. She said in our society we all want instant gratification. She got that right. When I want something, I want it yesterday. Like someone was reading my thought and had it waiting for me on instant demand. So my homework is to buy a gratitude journal book. If I can find it online where I can print, is fine also. My past group had this thing of writing down a gratitude list. So I knew she wasn’t full of crap. There is something to appreciating your blessing in life. If you don’t know I am addicted to the SIMS computer game. Yesterday I was watching a Lets Play on YouTube. This girl video had a tremendous about of views. She clearly have been doing this on YouTube for a long time. I started to read the comments and I realized this girl was dead. People were leaving their condolences. I looked her up and she died after surgery in a hospital. She was only 25 years old. I don’t know this girl. I have only seen a few of her video’s. It hit me hard that she was dead. I am 38 years old. I can’t imagine if my life was over 13 years ago. All the good, bad, and other I have experience in the past 13 years. No my life wasn’t fantasy land. But it was my life and I got to live it. Learning of some stranger to me dying randomly at 25 really put me in my place. Now the question is what the hell am I going to do about it. The first one I am going to work on is to STOP BITCHING. If I say it I own it. Calling myself fat doesn’t help me lose weight. It makes me look in the mirror get more miserable and eat more. Not having a husband or children does not make me less than. You think I would have figured that out by now. Call me slow!!! My therapist said live in the now, She even mention a book about that. I heard someone say the past is gone the future hasn’t happened all I have is the now. All these words of wisdom that I don’t pay any damn attention to when I want to be pitiful. When my life didn’t play out like that bitch Cinderella. What makes me feel my life is less than. Because I tell myself that with all those damn comparisons to other people. I asked my therapist does anyone have a great life. She said only if they feel it in there inner most self. Even people with money can’t buy happiness. That is so true. I have this dream and fantasy of having a lot of money. There are a lot of rich miserable people. You don’t have to go far to see that. There are a lot thin miserable people. There are a lot of married miserable people. My misery is so self-created. I am coming to that conclusion. My therapist looked in my face and said if you are living in this moment right now. What do you have to complain about. I told her absolutely nothing. I have my health and all my basic needs are met. This is not going to be an easy thing for me. I have been self-deprecating most of my life. But for today I am going to work on my own personal happiness. Thinking about what I have instead of dwelling on what I don’t have. Loving who I am as a person and how I treat others. Taking care of myself and not putting things in my body to do it harm. Why is one day of loving myself so hard??????
I did a little paraphrasing from a rap song. I am sure you get the point. I swear I thought for a long time a man, a partner was going to be a cure to a lot of my issues. I have to say looking back a man has been a big part of my issues.
1) Looking for love in all the wrong places
I can’t expect a man to love me when I don’t love myself. If a man did love me in this state of mind I wouldn’t be in the position to receive his love. I wouldn’t believe I deserve it.
2) Trying to figure out how he feels
We as women spend countless hours trying to make sence of what a man feels, thinks and acts. The truth is we will never truly know. Also they are usually to much of wimps to tell you the truth. There are never going to say I just wanted to have sex with you. I told you everything you wanted to hear to get what I wanted. Or I had a girlfriend/Wife when I met you. Or I am just an asshole who likes to get my way and what you want doesn’t matter. We will never get the truth. At least in most situations I have never gotten the truth.
3) Emotional Drama
I have had many men use me for an emotional punching bag. Especially when his words never mirror his actions. I am hanging on like a puppy for he to give me half of what I put into the relationship.
I know my self-esteem has played a major part of how and why I let men drag me down.When my esteem is high my thoughts are not consumed by the prince charming coming into my life. If I really think about it the I have never really had a prince charming. I have had many randoms a few devils and some that are good friends. Prince charming not even close.
5) I don’t need to be saved
There was a man I was in totally love with. He wasn’t that interest in me because I didn’t need to be saved. He was part of the save a hoe tribe. He liked a hoe he had to save. Single mother struggling to pay her bills. Needed him to pull her up from her tragic life. I never been that girl. I always handled my business. So pretty much he dropped me for a girl he could save.
6) Who am I without a man
I a valued human being. I might not have a sex life or a male companion to take me out. I have to say my single life does bring me freedom from a lot of drama. Especially the mental drama I put myself through when a male is in my life.
7) My terms
The next man I allow into my life will be on my terms. I refuse to compromise. When I compromise I always except way less than I deserve. Then trying to convince myself the whole time that is okay because he Blah blah. I will not fill in the blanks or make any more excuses for a man not doing what he needs to do to keep me. He will be history immediately. At least that is the plan.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I am getting off the insane bus when it comes to men!!!
The guy from the gas station didn’t call. Oh well, I am not sweating it. I will also not call him. He asked for my number he needs to use it. I am not going to be the aggressive one any longer. For some reason aggressive women always seem to come off desperate. I know what I want I am not desperate.
If he calls are not I appreciate the boast to my ego.
On a bad note the ex sent me a text message. I responded with one word answers. How are you he asked. I said fine. I was just checking on you he types. I said okay. With my non use of vocabulary I felt he got the picture. He didn’t respond after that.
I do not have hate in my heart for the man. That doesn’t translate to I don’t think he is an ass and a jerk. I think he is both of those things. I am trying to make sure I don’t let me run havoc on my life again.
The big issue with him is the disappointment of the baby dreams. I was so ready to be knocked up. I should have known from my past nothing is that easy in my life. Everything has to be difficult and hard.
He always try to come back in my life when he is lonely. I am no longer his consolation prize. I am not even going to let my head go into my fantasy of him. That is when I let myself forget the reality of him constantly letting me down. I am staying firm in reality!!
A friend of mine and I talked about fairy tales that messed us up. Snow white, Cinderella. The prince saves us and we live happily ever after. Why does the woman always needs to be saved? What happens after the marriage? They might not live happily ever after and get divorced in six months.
The problem is the happily ever after. No one life is problem free and there will be points of unhappy and disappointment. The belief of a lifetime worth of happiness and perfection is a load of crap I wish wasn’t drilled into me with fairy tales.
Another friend complained that a girl we went to high school wouldn’t let her daughter watch fairy tales. For the same points I stated above. I never really thought about it until now. I think I agree. They are not necessary for a child to grow. I don’t want my child to have the realities of life before they are ready. I also don’t want to ram into their heads a fictional version that will never do them any good in the future.
All these thought and no baby. I might be putting the cart before the horse.