I was so excited to run into a guy I went to high school with. He was still handsome. Still a little corny but I find that attractive these days. No high school influence or peer pressure. The chance meeting made me feel like I found a winning lottery ticket.
I didn’t even consider that my life doesn’t work out in such a positive manner. I was starry-eyed and dreaming of the future. Well eventually after a few dates he was honest with me. He has a depression issue. I don’t want to go through the details, that is his business. I know it is extensive and I can’t add that to my plate.
My hope of a possible relationship was dashed. He tried to convince me that it wouldn’t be an issue. I wasn’t going for it. I am not desperate or in need of any more bullshit in my life.
Dating is not looking optimistic these days. I don’t have a babysitter. My mom watches Ava a lot, and she can be a handful after a few hours. If I didn’t live at home, I feel she would watch her more. Ava is always in her orbit, so there is no time she really misses her. My father would babysit, but he doesn’t live close. He has offered for her to spend the night, but with all her medications that might not be a good idea.
Another autism mom said she had a guy she wanted to introduce me to. She has mentioned it twice. I am not going to push. If she is going to do it, I am not opposed to it. My life consists of my job and my baby. I do miss my ex. Which I really shouldn’t since he strung me along for years.
I always felt that guy was my soulmate. I think I always have had a level of insecurities. When I was with him, I felt like a million bucks. I had a comfort level I never had with anyone else. Will I ever get that again??? I can only hope!
I finally got my tired ass out of the bed. I work up and got us both dressed and went to blocks at the Library. Saturday is the day my mom will watch her for a few hours and I can get a nap. A nap I have come to worship. What the hell am I going to do if I have a second baby. I am going to have and wait and see on that. More and more coffee I guess. Ava is doing so much better with the stairs. Other then getting distracted half way up and wanting to do something else. I notices she has more of an issue with our stairs because they are steep and narrow. She did great going up the library stairs. I was so tired I had her shoes on the wrong feet. I know, I know my ass is always so sleepy. I just drank some coffee to start working on my projects and it is 10:30pm. I know I am going to suffer tomorrow, but I will feel like I accomplished something.
So I correct her shoes before I go in there embarrassed. The place is empty. WTF, I woke up and didn’t get my nap and there is one kid here. I asked the librarian how many kids usually show up. She says 25-30 usually but it is a nice day so they probably all went to the park. She had a nasty tone while she was explaining this. So we played with the blocks for about an hour. She had a blowout diaper which I had to handle in the bathroom. When you have a toddler she makes nothing easy. Got her cleaned up and it was time to go home. She can make a mess at home with no kids.
The whole point was to get her around children. Clearly this is not the happening place. They had a lot of stuff, but I wasn’t into the toys. I wanted her to have more social interaction. Since we were out early we hit up the grocery store and came home. The man came over and we hung out. Ava woke up with gas pains and he handled it. Which she cried until she farted and burped then she was good to go. I fell asleep on his lap while I got a back rub.It is the little things that matters to me. That back rub was like he brought me over a dozen roses. Ava was jealous and wanted me to rub her shoulders. Then she wanted to lay on me. I think she was feeling left out. She wanted him to know she is number one. Which she is, but mama needs some attention sometimes.
Ava and going to sleep has been becoming a problem. She always has had a few issue of sleeping through the night. Also going to sleep is a challenge. I tried the lavender bath soap and lotion. Trying to get her to go to bed earlier. She use to be a great sleeper. Now every night we have issues. I know this is being a toddler. Any suggestions please send them my way.
Work has been great. I use to have so much stress from my prior jobs. Corporate America is full of the stress attacks. Always hoping you didn’t miss the deadlines. Trying to please management. I pray my jobs stays the same. I don’t mind going to work. I wouldn’t mind being a stay at home mom. Which is shocking. I never thought I would be that type of woman. I feel I miss so much at work. I call my mom during the day to find out what Ava is doing!!
My mother spends more time with her then I do. Granted she is ready to hand her over when I get home. Which I totally understand. She is a handful.
I am working through all my challenges with my daughters new reality. I swear you make plans god laughs. I have a had a lot thrown my way and my brain is working overtime to handle the stress.
The second baby plan is on. Being 41 and having an only child. I am an only child. I can’t guarantee that Ava and her sibling will be close. It is worth a shot. I don’t want her to be alone in this world.
I still have jealousy issues. I look at people who I feel has life so much easier and I wonder why my life always seems so hard. The truth is I have no idea if there lives are easier. My life is truly not as hard as many. I am blessed in many ways. I look at my baby and I want to cry for the challenges she is about to face. Then I dry those tears and I am grateful that they are challenges and not a matter of life or death.
My YouTube channel has over 600 subscribers. I been working hard to spread the word. Granted I don’t have enough content for it only to be about issues for a single mother by choice. So I do have other content.
My topic isn’t going viral. I haven’t found my audience. I am trying hard. I am not making any kind of money to pay any bills in my world. It would be nice if that was the case. Every time I watch a video about growing your channel. They always say talk about things you are passionate about. Which is what I do. If I did anything else I know I would lose interest. Since it is a struggling channel in one since. It is making a mark in another. If you look up single mother by choice on You Tube a lot of my videos show up. Every time I want to just let it go, someone sends me an email telling me that want to be a SMC and how my video have helped them. So I have to keep going. That is god giving me a nudge I am on the right page.
I am so happy it is Friday. Even though I had Monday off, it felt like the longest week ever. I am in my room while Ava does her intervention. When I am in the room I feel she is distracted and the instructor and I do to much talking. I jump in late in the hour to get any information I need.
Life has been pretty dry. Still working on the weight loss which I feel will be a lifetime battle. I was talking to my cousin and she said she felt happy in the Gym. I have to say I am jealous, I wish I had an outlet. The Gym was never my thing.
I can see how depression can set in. Single motherhood can be very isolating. I am not the extrovert. I did have my own little circle. Which are in Georgia and I don’t have a circle here. I miss them so much. I do not regret anything I have done to date. All the ups and downs I am going through. Emotionally, physically and spiritually are worth it to see my daughters face everyday.
I am addicted to that little girl being in my life. She brightens my day. Even when I am frustrated and she won’t go to bed.
I want another one. Sometimes I feel if I say it enough it will happen. LOL If I had infinite amounts of money I would be working on it right now. Granted I don’t have it in me to do this alone again. You really get no break at all. I go to work then come home and it mommy time. There is no time off for mommy. Where as my friend can give her kid to her husband and head out the door. Feeling no guilt. Where that is not the case for me at all. #MOMMYPROBLEMS.
I bought a journal with laws of attraction motivation statements. Hoping it will help me with my attitude. I feel very defeated and depressed. I know this is a illness that just comes on and off in my life. My baby and I had a pajama day today. It was very cold outside. We stayed in our jammies. I watched her play and danced with her. I also discovered she like eggs now and pancakes. Yes I ate those things today. She shared and I realized we can expand her food choices.
A reader has me thinking about a low carb diet. I haven’t looked into as much as I need to. I am so tired and did nothing today. I have several things to work on before I go to bed. Namely these video’s and my online presence. I am trying to make side money with YouTube. Which is not the easiest thing to do. They say make video’s that you are interested in. Which is what I do. I have made some money, not a lot to jump and down about. The truth is I do like helping people The people who have reached out to me is amazing.
I know when I was on the journey, I wanted to talk to someone who had did it all. Help me to avoid many mistakes. It is almost 2016, and I am praying for good things in this upcoming year. I like my new job so far. Not stressed, get to leave on time. The commute sucks, and money could be better. All in all I am very happy. I heard the job I left is a complete mess. I am so glad I am out of there. Now I have some decent health insurance.
My life in Boston is so different from my life in Georgia. I was single doing what every I wanted to do. Now I have to come straight home. I have to take care of someone else besides myself. I am very worried I am not doing the best job I can.
The speech therapist commended me for being proactive. I felt like I should have been doing more. Then I talked to my cousin and she confirmed being a working mother is no joke. Reading a book can be a lot when you got up at 5:30 am. Go to work, get home and have a list of things to do before bed.
I have a love life. Which is so strange. I haven’t had one of those in a real long time. We see each other once or twice a week. I haven’t been to his house yet. He said he will invite me over after the new year. I am not as suspicious as I use to be when I was younger. If it works out it does. If it doesn’t’ it doesn’t. I am really not pressed. Just enjoying the ride as we go along. I wish I had this thought process years ago. Would have spared a bunch of heart ache.
This is the first speech therapy appointment and it went very well. I left the room and let her do her thing. I could hear everything, and it was very interesting. God is good and I need to have faith. Stay prayed up.
So she put things in perspective. She does have delays and she doesn’t want to minimize that. Granted they have no clue if she could catch up. Which could happen, you know I am praying it will. I will deal with it if it doesn’t.
I really like her therapist. We have a hearing test and a developmental intake coming up in the January. I am blessed that I have a half a day on Friday. To do all these appointments and be there for my daughter in all things that she needs.
Having more kids seems like a lot at this point. I know I hated being an only child. Granted I have a cousin who is my brother even though we don’t have the same parents. I want my child to have someone connected to her. Granted I don’t know if I have the strength, energy and time for another child. I am going to THUG it out if it happens.
New man in my life has made me feel like I’ve been missing a lot not being in a relationship-. Granted I dated a lot of men who didn’t have there shit together. This guy has his life together, and doesn’t need me for anything. Which is a good place for me to be.
I feel like I am falling in love with this man. I am not telling him about it. That is going to take sometime before he will hear those words. Which is so strange, I will tell strangers online and not the man I might be falling in love with. You guys know how it is. Not ready to put even those intentions out there. I like that he is very interested in what my daughter needs. Granted he doesn’t really play a hand in it. It is nice to have someone to talk to and shoulder to cry on. He did say he would go with me to her tests. It feels good to have someone to depend on, more then anything. Which is something I taught myself not to get use too in the past.
The answer is no. I do not find myself attractive. This is what happened. I was sent to the grocery store by my mother. I saw my neighbor in the store and said hello and kept on with my shopping.
Well this past weekend, my mother said she ran into the neighbor and he told her, he found me completely beautiful. I gave her a look, and she asked me You don’t think you are beautiful. I said no.
Now those feelings go way back. From growing up the obese kid. The you have such a pretty face. I wanted a ass way before Kim Kardasian. My ass is more flat and wide.
I think I am alright looking. I don’t think I am ugly per-say, but I would never use the word beautiful. Others have found me attractive then I have found myself. How do you fix self esteem. I am sure most women would want to know that answers.
So this lead to a lecture by the man I am dating. How I should find myself beautiful blah blah blah. Why do men think things can be fixed like turning on a light. I hate being lectured. It isn’t productive.
I feel better about myself when I am smaller for sure. I am 50 pounds over my idea weight. A weight I was very comfortable at for years. I have to admit it is hard to get back there. Life has a lot going on. I know getting my weight together should be a priority. I am working on it!!!!
She isn’t feeling the big Red guy at all. I got the picture at Walmart. The Santa was sitting there. I asked could we take a picture he said sure. I added the rest to the picture. I didn’t have to sit in a two hour line to get the same awful crying picture. Win, win!!!
I have all the gifts wrapped. Waiting for two presents in the mail. The guy I am dating which we will call Dave from now on. Dave and I drove to three stores last Wednesday to find the play kitchen. After all that traveling with no luck. I ended up ordering it online. I swear you can’t find anything in the stores any more. I also ordered my mother a toaster oven. Since she doesn’t read my blog the secret is safe. They should both be here by the 19th.
I finally found a topper for the tree. I am happy with are Charlie Brown tree. I know I am dating myself with that reference. All the people around my age knows what I mean.
I didn’t do anything last year. She was so small. I doubt she has any understanding now. She did walk over and touch the presents like what is that.
I have a new doctor which I really like. I left that clinic I was at and went somewhere totally different. The woman took her time and was very patient with my concerns. I have to schedule a hearing test and I will be having a delay specialist consultation. All in all a productive visit. Just on a side note. When we are in the car and the music is playing, I swear she is singing with the song. Not totally sure, but it sure seems like it.
I was talking to another single mother by choice friend. We were discussing our children challenges. There is nothing that could happen that would make me not want to be her mother. I love this little girl so much. More then myself. I cried and begged god to bring me her. Now my Christmas are special again. My life is revitalized because she is a part of it. I am her mom and it the most important job of my life!!!!!!!
I had plans to do some work. That did not happen. I am hoping I am very productive in the next few days. I have a lot to get done. With a child under one, it is impossible to do work at home.
I believe I am ready to date. I let a friend know if she has anyone in mind for me. Let me know. I did tell her my requirements. Which are not many but very important. We will see if she comes through our not. I have been looking on line. I would rather have a personal reference from someone who knows the person. Not that I am against online. Who knows how things will go.
I am very proud of myself. I put in Ava’s new car-seat all by myself. I tend to ask others to do things because I lack confidence of doing it correctly. My mother even said who was I going to ask to put the car-seat in. I went to my truck armed with directions and did the damn thing. I tried to put the seat in the middle. It didn’t go well. I realized I do not have the hooks in the middle seat. I have them on the left and right. I guess it has to do with the age of my car.
So she is on the right, but I can’t see her in the mirror. I am going to have to find a way to put a mirror back there. So I can see what is going on with her during the ride. I also was looking for something for her to play with in the backseat. With the infant carrier they had things you could hang. Not so much for the next size car-seat. I had to take her in and out all day. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. So I think we will be fine. I love my babies face.
Sometimes I doubt myself as a mother. I know I am doing the best I can. She is my heart and soul. I wish I didn’t have to work and could spend many more hours with her then I do. Who knows, anything is possible. I have the baby I dreamed of. Now I know my dreams can really come true.
I am actually living my dreams. I wanted to move home. I wanted a baby and now I have a job. I will be starting on Monday. It is blowing my mind that I have been out of work for almost nine months. I am in debt for sure, but I made it and haven’t messed up my credit. Of course the day I start will be a snow storm. I am going to try and find me some thermal socks and better gloves tomorrow. I decided that I am taking the bus and train to work. The monthly pass is expensive. I still feel it would be cheaper then gas and wear and tear on a old car.
If you read my blog you know I am pretty goal orientated. I am fitting into my smaller clothes and loving it. I have to lose 20 more pounds to get into the rest of my clothes. I am on my way.
My next goal is to get out of debt. This mission to have a baby has did a number on my debt to income ratio. I am sick of owing people. Living with my mother gives me a financial boost to start to pick away the debt.
I am going to start this job with a budget. First order of business is get my savings to healthy amount. My savings have been depleted in a big way. Then I am going to work on my debt while also saving. Once I am totally out of debt I am buying myself a new car.
On another note, I told the plumber I am not interested in dating him. I am getting a few red flags from him. He seems very controlling. I do not do controlling he would really see the ugly side of me. I don’t like being told what to do. He tried to play stupid when I told him how I felt. He can play that mess all he wants too. I know what I said and I meant it. I am moving on. I have a few things on my plate. I am open to meet a guy and have some sex in my life. Yes it is getting dusty down there. I have no idea where I would fit that guy in. I don’t have the free time I use to have. I am sure I will figure it out.