Now I am sick !!

20140926_092423My mother was sick, The baby is getting over being sick. I guess it is my turn. I just want to sleep. A five month old that isn’t entirely possible.  I know people are against kids and electronics, but it has turned into a single mother best friend. I have her watching infant stimulation, leap-frog learning videos. It keeps her attention for about ten minutes. I have toys for her but she isn’t old enough to play by herself. When I need to wash dishes or anything else I try my best to entertain her.

I started looking for a job yesterday. My mother and aunt asked me what was the hurry. The hurry is I haven’t won the lottery yet, or independently wealthy. So I am need to make money. Plus I am apply for the jobs I am truly interested in. There were a few jobs for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. I am actually going for a lower level job. I don’t want a management job. I am not looking for the stress of management. I don’t want a bunch of overtime. I want to do my job the best I can and take my butt home. I don’t want any crazy job stress. I have enough stress in my life. I also have my plan if I win the lottery life. As I always stated my fantasy life is ten times greater than my reality. I guess that use to be true. Now thinking about it my baby Ava trumps my fantasies. It still would be nice to win the lottery!!!

It is starting to get cold in here. People do not turn on the heat early. I have my electric blanket on high. I hate being to cold or to hot. I haven’t had to much of a social life. Which to be honest since I have been on this baby journey for about three years. I haven’t had much of a social life. When I first moved to Atlanta I was party central. I know that was so long ago. I don’t want to be party central, but I still want to look good. Not like I gave up on life and interacting. I miss having a man interested in me. I have talked to my ex. We talked for a few days and I haven’t heard from him since. I know having a baby and leaving the state has finally put a nail in the restoration of our relationship. Which is actually a great thing. Even thought I wasted to many years with that on and off again relationship. I am glad I got my baby and not waited for him to marry my ass. I would have been dead and buried before that happened.

Long Sunday!!

I had to wake up this morning to go to my weight loss meetings. I officially start tomorrow. I am excited and nervous. No more crappy food. I am not looking forward to eating right. I do use food as comfort. I am looking forward to a sexy small body.

I realized today, my child is antisocial. She cries when I give her to someone else. Which makes me feel so special. Then on the flip side makes me feel like I will never have a social life ever. We went to visit family today and every time they picket her up the tears came on.

Even my mother can’t get her to stop. I am really going to pray she grows out of that quick.

I am back!!

I guess the question is where have i been. In my own world. My computer got electrocuted. Yes lightning knocked the power out of my home desktop. It is in the hospital and I hope they can fix her. I am not looking for another major expense. I miss her. I thank god I still have my bootleg laptop. The computer hospital won’t even get back to me until this Sunday. They already charged me 40 dollars just to look at it.

On the baby front I took my soy isoflavone this month. I realized I didn’t take enough last month. I bought the soy from the vitamins store. Thinking I can get more potent soy isoflavone. I was shocked there were so many pills in the bottle. When I read the back which I didn’t do last month. The percentage of soy was half of the Walmart pills. Reading is fundamental.

Today is my first day of insemination. My plan is to do it every other day until next week Wednesday. I will see if known donor acts right. Each month it is something with him. I don’t understand why I have to deal with this crap when I am not dating him. But I guess dealing with men in any manner can present problems.

On the man front I went on a date last night. I can barely believe it myself. Very handsome 6’4 Armenian guy.  Not sure we are a match. We had a language barrier. We also had a discussion of how he feels washing dishes is not men’s work. Other than that I think it went well. We will see if he acts me out again. If he does I will go. If not I will move on as usual. I haven’t told him anything about my baby project. I have no idea when I would tell someone anymore. On the first date is a big fat NO!!

Baby Project #38

Jerry springer logos

 

Nothing to report. I am still waiting to test. I am going to take my first test tomorrow morning. It will be two weeks from the happy face. I need to know if I am truly having symptom. Or is my mind play tricks on me.

 

A co-worker told me I should put some make up on and go to the sports bar. I told him I don’t drink or like sports. Why everyone feels I need a man??

 

If you follow my blog you will remember the past co-worker, I was talking to in a dating manner. We actually never went anywhere. We talked on the phone for a week before the shit hit the fan.

 

Another co-worker (a very trashy one) said that she was dating this guy. I don’t know if I believed they were dating. I did believe there was something going on. I confronted this guy, stating my life cannot be an episode of Jerry Springer. He was very cavalier about it and then did not speak to me for two years. I was pissed and ignored his ass also. He did apologize for his actions in so many word (TWO YEARS LATER). Swearing he didn’t date her.

 

He no longer works at my job. The reason for this story. His friend informed me that he didn’t date the girl. She just serviced him in the work parking lot and he dismissed her. Wow such an asshole. I am glad I dodged that bullet.

 

God spared me from that foolishness. I also think using a her as his personal hook up and then getting rid of her makes him a jerk. The girl clearly had issues and really like him. He just used her. I feel sorry for her because men can be so cruel!!. They know when a woman has low self-esteem. They use their weakness against them and throw them out with the trash. What goes around comes around. I am sure he will get it back ten fold!!

 

Baby Project #10

I am officially on fertility drugs as of last night. No side effects yet, THANK GOD. I hope it stays that way. I am in a great mood today. I want to stay on this happy cloud.

I was talking to Doctor dude last night. I called him this weekend. He didn’t get back to me which is unusual. He said he left his phone in a hospital and got it yesterday. I got a random text from him in the middle of the day yesterday explaining himself. I never get text from him in the middle of the day. So he wanted to let me know he wasn’t ignoring me. How cute!!! I felt a little flattered that he gave a shit.

I told him if I don’t get pregnant (which I know I will). I am moving to PA getting on his insurance and getting IVF. We both laughed. Hey you never know life is stranger than fiction.

The one thing about Doctor dude I really like is we talk. We have talked for five years with maybe three sexual conversation in those five years. Now to be honest the five years was on and off. The fact that he doesn’t treat our conversation like he is paying by the minute I love that!!

I listen to all his medical situation which I find gross and tell him to stop half way through the descriptions. Our relationship has a very interesting dynamic.

No complaints at the moment. I did win 30 bucks on my scratch ticket. I am going to reinvest today.  Mama wants to hit the jackpot!!!

 

Doctor Dude is Back!

I was reading something about being Catfished. I guess that is MTV term for someone playing online like they are someone else. Even thought I didn’t come up with the phrase. I surely been figuring out who was full of shit for a long time.

Some of the ways to figure out if someone is real I been using for years. If the pictures look like they stepped out of GQ magazine. I am suspicious why you are online looking at me. If they don’t want to talk on the phone. This guy told me he wanted to meet before he gave me his phone number. He got the big delete. Do I look that crazy to meet you and never have ever talked to you. I am under no illusion it is dangerous to meet people you don’t know.

Which is a great intro to doctor dude. He started calling again last week. He knows my plans to inseminate. They were more plans than reality when I talked to him last. Now they are becoming more real. Doctor dude is okay looking. I am attracted to him, but he did not step out of a magazine  We have been talking on the phone on and off for about five years. Yes I was chit chatting with him when he was a resident. Now he is in a practice.

He always stated he would buy me a ticket to PA to see him. I always declined because I am not going to a strange city to meet a man I have never met before. I feel he should come see me on my terms. Well he has claimed busy for years. Which is fine. I would love to meet him. If we never meet I will not cry about it. I think I am very cautious to the online dating.

I met a guy online years ago. He lived in SC. Well he had me convinced of so many thing. The biggest is that he like me so much. His biggest concern was I was not going to like him. Well he came to GA and we met. I liked him he didn’t like me. Which he proceeded to tell me the next day. It was the biggest blow after months and months of him saying how great I was. So with that experience under my belt. I am not going to some strange city to possibly get rejected. I can get rejected in my own city.

Where I can drive to a friends and cry my eyes out if I need to. I like Doctor dude when we are consistently talking. He is a cool friend. He could be more that is totally on him. He claims he will be visiting soon. I am not holding my breath at all.

Always Something!

My skin looks terrible  All I want to say is WTF?? I started getting this adult acne. Which I think had to do with that DHEA I was taking for egg quality. Now I am starting to get darker skin around my lips. I just noticed it. The work bathroom with those damn fluorescent lights.

I am so focused on having a child do I really care about my skin. It is more of a pain in the ass than anything else. I didn’t have perfect skin to begin with. Now it is looking straight horrible  I have to admit it is bugging me. I stop wearing make up to work. I kept getting face make up on my papers. Which I found very embarrassing  I went to a dermatologist several months ago. He said it was adult acne for my forty dollar co-pay. He did give me some high octane skin dye. To get rid of the dark marks.  I have been using my cheap skin dye. He said the high octane stuff can make the other  parts of my skin light also. I didn’t want to do that. I might have to find a different doctor.

On the dating front, this guy online is annoying me. Yes I love attention, but I hate when someone likes me for no reason. Other than a pictures. This guy I talked to three months ago has popped up again. He is so, so interested in me. My question is why. We talked for ten minutes  you said you would call back and never did. I wasn’t that impressed by the conversation so my feelings were not hurt in the lest. He says he didn’t call back because I was moving. Now that I am not moving we can start over. Wait did I agree to press the restart button? Sounds like I am supposed to fall all over myself because he is interested all of a sudden.

Well I am not interested so that is that. I have so much on my plate, New job, baby making and this damn skin on my face. A man who comes into my life at this point has to be out of this world. Not I saw your picture want to bleep you. So let’s get to know each other conversation not required. I started using my block button on the website.

It seems to much to ask to talk to someone these days. Oh well, I am not really pressed about it. I guess it is fun to report the foolishness on my blog. I am not a man hater. I do believe there are great men out there. It is easy to find someone you attracted to.

I feel everyone has their brand of crazy. Their idiosyncrasies  that make them who they are. I need someone willing to deal with my brand of crazy. Also am I will to deal with theirs? Then I know I found a match!!!

 

Doing better!!

I am going to work on more regular entries into my blog. Work has been hectic with my new position. Hell with my old position which was filling in for the lack of head count is now my new position. Pretty much I been stressed for a while.

I am going to either post during my lunch break. Or when I get home. First it is therapeutic   I also love having a log  of my life.

I did start vloging my SMC journey on my YouTube channel.  I have to say I was unsure about doing that. I still am but I want to share my experience. I guess I am going to go with it until it presents a problem.

I picked up Caffeine again. I know it hinders pregnancy and I need to put it down again. It sucks because I love Caffeine.

Yesterday I sent in a lot of paper work to the women’s center I will be going to for my insemination  This is becoming more and more real. I am excited and totally scared out of my mind in the same breath.

I haven’t closed down my personal ads online yet. I have such a love hate relationship with online dating. I hate that it has not yielded me the man of my dreams. I do love the attention that I do not have in any other aspect of my life. I hate to talk to the idiots that tend to like me online. I do get a little excited when I get an new email expressing interest in me.

Yeah after writing that I realize I am a special case of crazy with online dating.

My roommate situation is lovely and hard at the same time  I think the people I live with are great. They have been nothing but gracious to me. Sometimes I miss living alone and being by myself. I really need to get over this. I don’t think I will be living alone for a very long time to come.

I did meet a new guy online last night. People think I am crazy for being totally honest. I let them know I am looking for an activity partner. I would love a relationship but I have plans to inseminate and if that bothers you let me know now. Shit dating hasn’t gotten me any closer to marriage in all these years. Why lie now??

Well this guy thought it was great and had no problem with it. We will see how long this last. He also asked me a sexual question. Such a red flag to me. I told him I am not answering any sexual question until after we meet. I swear why do so many men lead with what is between their legs.  He could be the greatest guy in the world. The computer meeting gives him the security to ask all kinds of perv questions he probably would never ask in person. I swear I am back to love and hate the net.

 

My life Part 1

So much has gone on. My life is so random. My ex friend hasn’t called me to apologize or anything. That is why her title is ex friend. Oh well!!

I am still in limbo with the job. I have heard nothing about the promotion. I plan to ask next week about the status. Waiting a little while for budgets. I am not ready to hear bad news. I am hoping it is what I want, but you never know.

My internet dating life is getting very strange. I want an activity partner. Someone to hang with and maybe have some casual adult fun. Well this has been very hard to find. All these years I find very few men wanting a commitment. Now that I am not in the market for one that is all these fools talk about it.

I found a blast from the past online. I did not meet him originally online. I actually met him at work. He came to my office for some work to get done. Long story short he had too much drama in his life. Also he had three kids and didn’t want anymore. After I seen him online I end up on the phone with him. He stated he had five kids. I thought I didn’t hear him correctly. I asked him five kids huh??. He then went into this speech about children being a blessing. I said I thought you had two or three kids. Now I am thinking he lied all those years ago we went out. No this man has had two kids since we dated. Which was four years ago. I said WTF. I thought you didn’t want to have any more children. I was in shocked. I didn’t ask if it was by the same woman or not. I just thought you are too old for this foolishness. He has to be in his mid to forties. Now you have five kids and two under the age of 3 with  a random woman you clearly are not with. Due to the fact you are on a dating site. Then he seemed so excited to hang out with me. Oh HELL NO would be my answer!!! I will never be calling this dude back.

I also have been talking to a new guy for a few days. Last night I had a Deja vu. He said something that sounded so familiar.  I told him I had something strange to tell him. I had went on a date with him over ten years ago. I remember where he worked and the car he drove. He then remember it also. Now here is the messed up part. He was not interested in me at all back then. I remember him telling me he wasn’t and never called me back.

Isn’t that some shit!!. Then he said didn’t we fool around a little. I am thinking to myself I don’t remember that. But I can’t say it didn’t happen. I was out there in my twenties. I will have to say it makes it worse that he never called me back. He was double talking because it seemed he really wanted to date me now. I have to say I am not down with the second chances on this front.  I remember him being very cocky and adamant about me not being for him. Can I remember exactly what he said, NO. I said why would I go on a date with you to be turned down again. It was left on a very awkward note. He said I guess I have to pay for my sins 11 years later. I guess you do pal. If he didn’t leave such a bad taste in my mouth all those years ago with his action. Then I might have went on a date with him. Now he can kick rocks!!!

I am going with my first instinct. I have no interested in him. Oh well life is stranger than fiction.

 

LIMBO

English: Limbo, near Honeygeo

I don’t know what my future holds. They haven’t said anything else about the promotion as of yet. So that is on hold. Which puts baby making on hold. I been tracking my ovulation over the past few months. I should have gotten the double line today. I did not. I don’t need any more problems. I am hoping the double line shows up tomorrow.

I received a Christmas gift from my mom. It was nice to have a box to open. I guess I could have waited but I didn’t. So sweet of her. We are not really a Holiday family. Everyone asks why I don’t go home for the Holidays. First off it is cold. Second my mother has never been big on the Holidays.

I need to bring my ass home. I haven’t been home in almost two years. That was for a funereal.  I wasn’t in a rush to visit because I thought I would be living there permanently in a few months. If this promotion comes through and I take it I will have to plan a visit home.

I picked my top three choices of sperm donors. I saw on a website where a woman had a donor party. She posted the top three choices and let people put them in the order they would choose. I thought that was cute and emailed my friends and family the profile information to see what order they would pick. It went pretty well until one friend told me she wouldn’t use two of them at all. Which is fine I didn’t mind her opinion. But it sounded like she expected me to drop them from my choices based on her opinion. Ahh NO!! I know more about these men than any man I have ever slept with. One friend made me laugh. She said damn I wish he could be the father of my child.

I made my choices I was sharing. I guess I could have kept it to myself. Other than that one person I enjoyed what others had to say.

I choose based on intelligence, weight, essay, eye color. I was content with my choices. One of my donors doesn’t even have a picture. Some think that is strange but to me it wasn’t a big deal. Does a baby picture really tell you what they are going to look like as adults.

I have seen very cute kids turn into not so attractive adults. So it wasn’t a major thing for me.

I started online dating again. Well I guess I never stopped. I just put the location back to Georgia. I got a lot of emails. Seems like I am fresh meat LOL!! I am not looking for a relationship. Male company would be nice. I have my plans and I am moving forward. No interruptions !! It is all stemming on this job. If that doesn’t work out back to plan A and I am leaving the south for good.