Death is Hard

It happens in three. I am not looking forward to hearing who the next person will be. My mother close friend of 40 years has died. He would do anything for my mom. He had a very difficult life. Alcohol and drugs. His wife finally puts him out and it went downhill from there. He had a lot of medical problems. He really didn’t have a home and was jumping place to place.

He died on a bus. He had a heart attack. I feel sorry for him and my mom for losing a very good friend. Shortly after I hear about his death. My good friend’s sister-in-law died. She was young in her 40’s. Leaving behind a young child. Her husband my close friend’s brother has been through a lot with his wife illness. This didn’t just happen she has been going through it for several years now. He is such a good guy. That is a guy I want dammit. The one who will be there for all the bullshit life throws at you.

We all went to High School together. He is a few years older. I did have a little crush on him back in the day. I see him at my friend’s events for her kids. I just saw his wife at the last birthday party event. She was in rough shape and I spoke as usual not drawing attention to what was clearly obvious.

Nothing is promised. Even our lives. I need to appreciate all my blessing. I have a lot of them that sometimes I feel I don’t keep in the front of my mind. My daughter needs me. I need to thank God every day I am here for her.

That woman son needed her. Now she for whatever twist of fate will not be there for him. #AppreciateLIFE!!!

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Homework!!

My therapist gave me homework. I haven’t really had homework since I took a online class. Which was for personal growth more than anything else. That had to be over five years ago. I really need to start giving myself homework and maybe more thing can get accomplished. I was in a group for weight loss. It is anonymous so I am really not allowed to say much about it. My therapist said so many thing that the group preaches. I left the group for personal reason. I might go back, but not ready at this point. I have been upset with the outcome of my life. I felt a lot better when she told me I am not original for thinking that way. Thank you GOD!! I don’t want to be a lone loser complaining. My life is blessed in many ways. I know but why am I not appreciating that. She said in our society we all want instant gratification. She got that right. When I want something, I want it yesterday. Like someone was reading my thought and had it waiting for me on instant demand. So my homework is to buy a gratitude journal book. If I can find it online where I can print, is fine also. My past group had this thing of writing down a gratitude list. So I knew she wasn’t full of crap. There is something to appreciating your blessing in life. If you don’t know I am addicted to the SIMS computer game. Yesterday I was watching a Lets Play on YouTube. This girl video had a tremendous about of views. She clearly have been doing this on YouTube for a long time. I started to read the comments and I realized this girl was dead. People were leaving their condolences. I looked her up and she died after surgery in a hospital. She was only 25 years old. I don’t know this girl. I have only seen a few of her video’s. It hit me hard that she was dead. I am 38 years old. I can’t imagine if my life was over 13 years ago. All the good, bad, and other I have experience in the past 13 years. No my life wasn’t fantasy land. But it was my life and I got to live it. Learning of some stranger to me dying randomly at 25 really put me in my place. Now the question is what the hell am I going to do about it. The first one I am going to work on is to STOP BITCHING. If I say it I own it. Calling myself fat doesn’t help me lose weight.  It makes me look in the mirror get more miserable and eat more. Not having a husband or children does not make me less than. You think I would have figured that out by now. Call me slow!!! My therapist said live in the now, She even mention a book about that. I heard someone say the past is gone the future hasn’t happened all I have is the now. All these words of wisdom that I don’t pay any damn attention to when I want to be pitiful. When my life didn’t play out like that bitch Cinderella. What makes me feel my life is less than. Because I tell myself that with all those damn comparisons to other people. I asked my therapist does anyone have a great life. She said only if they feel it in there inner most self. Even people with money can’t buy happiness. That is so true. I have this dream and fantasy of having a lot of money. There are a lot of rich miserable people. You don’t have to go far to see that. There are a lot thin miserable people. There are a lot of married miserable people. My misery is so self-created. I am coming to that conclusion.  My therapist looked in my face and said if you are living in this moment right now. What do you have to complain about. I told her absolutely nothing. I have my health and all my basic needs are met. This is not going to be an easy thing for me. I have been self-deprecating most of my life. But for today I am going to work on my own personal happiness. Thinking about what I have instead of dwelling on what I don’t have. Loving who I am as a person and how I treat others. Taking care of myself and not putting things in my body to do it harm. Why is one day of loving myself so hard??????

Death of a stranger

I am a YouTube fanatic. Daily I watch the video of the people I subscribe to. Sometimes I am envious of there lives. You know the same as with Facebook  Well this one couple mention that a Vlogger died. Her husband posted her death during child-birth. I was thrown back. I went to her channel immediately  She was posting about her natural hair journey. Also keeping a video log of her pregnancy. The last post was her saying everything with her and the baby were fine. Wow!!! I thought. How life can change on a dime. You never know what is in your future. When things like that happen I work on being grateful  Which I have a lot of things to be grateful for.

The baby made it and is ICU. Now a father is left with two children. An eight year old and a newborn. The whole this is very sad. I am going to pray for that family!!!