I have a lot going on. Mainly all the things I discuss on this blog. With several more issues, I don’t mention. Not that I don’t want to share. It is hard to type out my thoughts when I have them.
I was in my doctor’s office crying. I am fat and depressed. My depression leads to my eating. I was sharing about my child and situation, and she totally understood. This would be the last time I would be seeing this particular doctor because she is going to a different field.
We decided on Wellbutrin. A low dose and I would follow up with my new doctor. Well, the low dose was doing it thing. I was more awake and actually have many good days. So I met with my new doctor, and we decided to increase the dosage. I know I am an addict. If this works more must work better. Well after a week I wish I didn’t have those thoughts. I broke out in hives all over my body. Red itchy bumps.
I looked on the internet finding that to be one of the side effects. I couldn’t sleep my skin felt like it was on fire. It was the worst. Online they said it could last for weeks. Of course, it did. I went to urgent care got a steroid shot and a steroid pack to take. Nothing would work. I bought Allegra, Clariton, Zyertec. The only thing that would help was Benadryl. Which made me tired as hell. It was tired or scratch my body uncontrollably.
Urgent care told me to stop taking the medication immediately. I think I am done with the antidepressant thing. Am I depressed yes I am? That rash almost took me over the edge. I am very sensitive to medications. I can’t do it. A friend said try Prozac. I told her no thank you I am done.
I am having a hard time keeping up with this blog, my youtube channel. The book I have been writing hasn’t been touched in two months. These are the things I enjoy and I haven’t been doing them.
I can blame that on autism and partly my motivation and depression issues. I love this blog. I kept deciding to move it somewhere on the net where I can get paid. I tried with WordPress but I don’t have the kind of traffic they are looking for.
Expressing my feelings on this blog keeps me sane. So I decided to keep it here and because it does more for me then any check would.
I wish I had more time to work on things I like to do. A few days I just turned everything off and worked on an adult coloring book. Just to distract my mind from negative things. I have run out of topics for my youtube channel. Which has more to do with writing them down when I think of them?
I haven’t kept up with my routines that have kept all the balls in the air. I talked to my doctor about being depressed. I actually broke down and cried in her office. I wasn’t prepared for my own tears. She looked at me with concern and gave me Welbutrin. Which is supposed to help me with this 100 pounds I gained and depression. I have only been on it a few weeks. A very low dose, I was getting headaches daily. That has gone away thank god.
They say it takes a few weeks to feel effects. I am waiting patiently. I need some relief from my brain. Thank God they like me at work and I have no issues there. If that was also a problem I don’t know how I would cope.
My depression is taking over. I am not sure if I need a therapist, antidepressants or Church. I need to do something. I did make a plan to make moves this week. I didn’t do anything. It has been a stressful week. I am putting it on my to-do list for next week.
I decided to check out a church. They have a daycare that will take autistic children. I am not taking Ava until I see this place and feel comfortable leaving her there. I need something because things are not going well. I am not happy and feel really disappointed with life. I feel like I will be fighting forever for everything. Pray for me. I am working things out. I am sure it will get better. I am going to be proactive about finding a solution.
I wanted to start with I schedule these post out. So I can keep a constant flow of content. I write them when I have the time or during my emotional dramas. This particular Sunday I woke up with nothing to do. I feel like a horrible parent if I kept my child in the house too often. I called a friend who loves us to come over. I never go over there. I knew her since the third grade. Ava loves it at her house. I have no real reason why I don’t go over there more often. She has four kids. Her oldest is adopted her only girl which she took her in after her mother died. A friend of hers from High School. We went to a very big High School so I didn’t know the girl until years after we graduated. Her daughter loves playing with Ava and watching her. Which gives me a big break. I can actually converse with my friend and feel like I can have some adult time.
Well her youngest is two and we had a cute conversation. He likes Ava to and kept bringing her toys. He would say this is for Ava that is for Ava. I told my friend I wish Ava could talk. She is over a year older than her son. She said don’t compare them. He doesn’t have autism. I know she is right but my soul was sinking hearing this little boy talk to me and ask me questions.
We stayed for several hours. I got in the car ready to go. I cried all the way home. I want to hear my baby voice. I want to hear mommy come from her lips. No one can tell me she will talk. I mean no one will say those words. My now close friend who daughter goes to the autism center with Ava. We put them in together. They told her, her daughter will talk. She is saying her ABC’s and singing songs. She has also been in preschool for a year and is older than Ava. I know these kids are all different. I know I can’t predict the future and no one else can. Please God Please give my baby words. Help her to be successful and be able to handle life on her own. My worries my fears are great. My love is deep, my heart is broken with this word I never dreamed would be a part of my life. AUTISM
I bought a journal with laws of attraction motivation statements. Hoping it will help me with my attitude. I feel very defeated and depressed. I know this is a illness that just comes on and off in my life. My baby and I had a pajama day today. It was very cold outside. We stayed in our jammies. I watched her play and danced with her. I also discovered she like eggs now and pancakes. Yes I ate those things today. She shared and I realized we can expand her food choices.
A reader has me thinking about a low carb diet. I haven’t looked into as much as I need to. I am so tired and did nothing today. I have several things to work on before I go to bed. Namely these video’s and my online presence. I am trying to make side money with YouTube. Which is not the easiest thing to do. They say make video’s that you are interested in. Which is what I do. I have made some money, not a lot to jump and down about. The truth is I do like helping people The people who have reached out to me is amazing.
I know when I was on the journey, I wanted to talk to someone who had did it all. Help me to avoid many mistakes. It is almost 2016, and I am praying for good things in this upcoming year. I like my new job so far. Not stressed, get to leave on time. The commute sucks, and money could be better. All in all I am very happy. I heard the job I left is a complete mess. I am so glad I am out of there. Now I have some decent health insurance.
My life in Boston is so different from my life in Georgia. I was single doing what every I wanted to do. Now I have to come straight home. I have to take care of someone else besides myself. I am very worried I am not doing the best job I can.
The speech therapist commended me for being proactive. I felt like I should have been doing more. Then I talked to my cousin and she confirmed being a working mother is no joke. Reading a book can be a lot when you got up at 5:30 am. Go to work, get home and have a list of things to do before bed.
I have a love life. Which is so strange. I haven’t had one of those in a real long time. We see each other once or twice a week. I haven’t been to his house yet. He said he will invite me over after the new year. I am not as suspicious as I use to be when I was younger. If it works out it does. If it doesn’t’ it doesn’t. I am really not pressed. Just enjoying the ride as we go along. I wish I had this thought process years ago. Would have spared a bunch of heart ache.
I am sorry. I really wanted to be consistent with my blog. It hasn’t worked out that way. I have been a little depressed lately. I am in a city I don’t like. All my friends are in another state. I do have friends here, but they are married and doing there own thing most of the time. Her god mother is the only one checking for me.
I want to date, but have no idea how I can fit that in. I am having trouble fitting in sleep. I miss living in my own place. I no I am complaining, There are more pros in my life then cons. My cons are driving me insane.
My new job is stressful. I hate when training is not that great. I love my trainer she is very helpful, but she also has her own work to do. Which the boss doesn’t seem understand and give her more and more to do. I wish I didn’t have to work. I got a eight month break. I would love to go back to school and do something I want to do with the second half of my life.
I need to pay off all this debt I have. I still buy lottery tickets, which I am sure folks think is crazy. I have to have some kind of vice. That is mine.
I been doing horrible with my food. I finally got honest about it. I gained seven pounds. I am still wearing my size 12. Well they are tight. Size 14 are a little big. I don’t have many of them which sucks. I have an abundance in 10/8 which I can’t fit at all. I am working on getting back on track tomorrow.
My child watches to much T.V. I feel really bad about it. I need to entertain her during certain times, to get things done.
I am working on getting my life together. I know I need another vision board to see my dreams come true again. Also see what I am working on doing.
There was this daycare incident here. A male college student was molesting the kids. Can I say I am so blessed my mother watches my baby. Sometimes I feel she would learn more in a daycare. When I hear horrible stuff on the news like that, I am so thankful she isn’t in a day care.
I will be taking my life one day at a time!!
I been feeling like a lump on a log. I haven’t been working on my projects at all. My daughter goes to sleep early like six o’clock. She starts off in the pack n play and ends up in my bed. I turn around and go to sleep early myself. I need to work on things that engage my mind. I been working on classes for my profession. Also these blogs I want to keep up on. There is another blog I have ignored for a few years. I need to practice my writing and get my life together. I know single mothers do a lot in their life.
When I put my mind to something I usually get it done. I want to be productive and feel like I am working on accomplishing my dreams.
Tomorrow I have an interview with another recruiter. Hopefully getting closer to getting a job. The money tree hasn’t blessed me with the funds to not work. I am still keeping hope alive on that front. My child like her mother sleeps a lot. I love to sleep which I been told is a sign of depression. Which I have to worry about going to a deep dark place in my head. I need to make my mind up to be happy. I know that is easier said then done. I have a lot of blessing and every time I am depressed I feel I am turning my back on my blessings.
I know I have many future blessing. I need to work toward them. I posted my weight on Facebook. I plan to be at my goal weight of 165 eventually. I got a lot of support for getting under 200 pounds. My cousin said he couldn’t do it he is very private. I told him we are different people. I am not really the be in the spotlight type of person, but if I can help someone I would. Not to say he wouldn’t. For me it doesn’t have to be someone I know intimately. Which are most of my friends on Facebook.
I just watch the marathon of 16 and pregnant where are they now. I felt bad for most of those girls. It was awful how stagnant a lot of their lives were. Some didn’t finish high school. Working low paying service jobs. A lot of their baby daddies not stepping up. All of it was very depressing and makes me feel great about my life choices.
I am watching my child sleep while I am typing on this eight year old laptop. I really need a new one, but don’t see the point while this one is still working. When I get a job I know I am going to be in the hustle of life. I am blessed I got to be home with my daughter for eight months. I never planned for this, so it was meant to happen. Still not totally broke yet, and waiting to file my taxes this year to get some cash. When the weather breaks and Ava is older we are going to be doing a lot. I plan for Saturday’s to be her day that we do something geared towards her. I still want more kids. I know I sound crazy, but I don’t want her to be an only child if I can help it. We will see how it goes.
I emailed my ex. When I get lonely I start looking up the ghost of Christmas passed. My baby is sleeping right next to me. I am typing this on my tablet because turning on a computer right now just seems like to much trouble.
He is married. Which annoyed me. In a way I am glad he is happy. On another hand I want a husband. Not him, since all we did was fight and he never seemed to get himself together. He was sent tall and the sex was great. That isn’t the recipe for long term. He was the biggest asshole. We tried to date twice and both times ended badly. I actually deleted his number, I emailed him. I also tried to look up another ex with no luck. I guess that is for the best. I am feeling blue. The plumber still likes me but he has a lot going on. Which I don’t think I want to be involved in.
God has answered my prayers in a lot of ways. I am 208. L
osing 30 pounds has put a big smile on my face. 43 more pounds and I will be a cutie pie. At least I will be feeling like the old me. Confident especially with my body. Granted I don’t have a hard body but I feel so much better when I am not carrying a bunch of excess weight.
The plumber might be my next known donor.
On a good note I won on another scratch ticket. I haven’t scratch how much. I wanted to fantasy for a while it was the top prize. I am enjoying the fantasy then scratching it and finding out it’s a free ticket.
I have been Depressed for a while. I am working on finding me someone to talk to. A counselor is needed. I can’t shake this negativity. I use to be so resilient. Now I feel so miserable. I know life is not happiness all the time. I think I am having a mid-life crisis. I am not happy with my life at this point. These pregnancy disappointments are really wearing on me.
I don’t want to go on any medication. I am not big on those type drugs. The one time I took them when I was going through a hellish job situation. They made me feel crazy. I just need a new perspective from someone who has nothing to do with my life. To help me work through these issues. Talk about the skeletons in my closet. As my aunt said I don’t want to wake up with another 50 pounds because I couldn’t deal with my life.
My health insurance offers it, 40 copay. It is worth it, if it helps me get my life together. I tried talking to family and friends. Telling me to cheer up and not be depressed was not helpful. I know they are doing what they can. They love me and don’t want me to be upset. I need to make the next step to a professional. I know when I am not right and need help.
I know I have a good life. I am having a hard time appreciating it at the moment. It makes me feel ungrateful and horrible. There are always people in worse situations. I can’t help it. I want to rewind the clock. Change the history of my life. I live in that fantasy world.
I will tell you if I knew I would be in this position. I would have gotten knocked up a long time ago. I know everything happens for a reason and a season. I just feel unhappy. While I was typing this one of the clinical psychologist called me back. I have an appointment in a few weeks. It was going to be next week but that is baby making week with known donor. I have to do it the week after. I liked her on the phone. She didn’t make me feel like a freak. Here is to feeling better!!!
The bank rejected lowering the price of my house. I know all is not lost. But I wanted to cry at my desk. No man, No baby, stuck in a house. I know not the biggest problems ever. But they are my problems and I am ready to get on with my life. I am ready to leave this state.
My realtor is still on board. He did mention walking away. Many reason why I don’t want to go that option. The biggest one is the government garnishing wages for the difference. He said he didn’t know anyone that happen to. I hate statements like that. Meaning I could be the one that happens to. I am trying to do things the right way.
Maybe the people who came to see it will be interested. Please , Please, Please I am praying they are. I am so ready for this to be done with this.
I also have been dog sitting. I will never do it again. I feel so bad about it. These are good friends of mine. They will be taking my dog when I move. They are going to let me live with them before I move back home. So of course I agreed to watch their dog when asked. Well this dog has shown his ass big time.
I have a dog but I am not a dog person. I should have never gotten my dog. We have muddled through the years. Well the visiting dog has shit and pissed on my floor several times. He also barked through the night because he was in his crate. I know he doesn’t sleep in his crate at home. I don’t trust that he won’t piss on something if I let him out.
I put my dog in the crate also so there was no favoritism. People think dogs don’t act like humans. Well let me tell you these two dogs have jealousy issues. When I let one out to be walked. They other one barks like why not me. I only put them in the crate when I am not there to watch them. So all day on the fourth we lounged around the house. Visiting dog acted decent until he was put in that crate. He is leaving tomorrow. Not a moment to soon I want some uninterrupted sleep.
I called my friend and told her. She is so apologetic. I feel bad!!! She offered to take me out when she gets back. I said no need you are willing to take my dog into your family and me when I need a place for a few months. I don’t need anything from her she is a great friend. Even thought her dog is driving me crazy.
My realtor responded to the bank with a reasonable response to their rejection. We will see if that does anything. God, God please help me unload this house!!!