Feeling some type of way.

I emailed  my ex. When I get lonely I start looking  up the ghost  of Christmas passed. My baby is sleeping  right next to me.  I am typing  this on my tablet because  turning on a computer  right now just seems like to much trouble. 
He is married. Which annoyed  me.  In a way I am glad he is happy.  On another hand I want a husband.  Not him,  since all we did was fight and he never  seemed to get himself  together. He was sent tall and the sex was great.  That isn’t  the recipe  for long term. He was the biggest  asshole.  We tried to date twice and both times ended badly.  I actually  deleted his number, I emailed him. I also tried  to look up another  ex with no luck.  I guess  that is for the best.  I am feeling blue.  The plumber still likes me but he has a lot going  on. Which  I don’t think I want to be involved  in.
God has answered  my prayers  in  a lot of ways.  I am 208. L
osing 30 pounds has put a big smile  on my face. 43 more pounds  and I will be a cutie pie.  At least  I will be feeling like the old me. Confident  especially with my body. Granted I don’t  have a hard body but I feel  so much better when I am not carrying  a bunch of excess weight.
The plumber might be my next known donor.
On a good note I won on another  scratch ticket. I haven’t  scratch  how much.  I wanted  to fantasy for a while  it was the top prize. I am enjoying  the fantasy then scratching it and finding  out it’s a free ticket.

Feeling Depressed!!

I have been Depressed for a while. I am working on finding me someone to talk to. A counselor is needed. I can’t shake this negativity. I use to be so resilient. Now I feel so miserable. I know life is not happiness all the time. I think I am having a mid-life crisis. I am not happy with my life at this point. These pregnancy disappointments are really wearing on me.

I don’t want to go on any medication. I am not big on those type drugs. The one time I took them when I was going through a hellish job situation. They made me feel crazy. I just need a new perspective from someone who has nothing to do with my life. To help me work through these issues. Talk about the skeletons in my closet. As my aunt said I don’t want to wake up with another 50 pounds because I couldn’t deal with my life.

My health insurance offers it, 40 copay. It is worth it, if it helps me get my life together. I tried talking to family and friends. Telling me to cheer up and not be depressed was not helpful. I know they are doing what they can. They love me and don’t want me to be upset. I need to make the next step to a professional. I know when I am not right and need help.

I know I have a good life. I am having a hard time appreciating it at the moment. It makes me feel ungrateful and horrible. There are always people in worse situations. I can’t help it. I want to rewind the clock. Change the history of my life. I live in that fantasy world.

I will tell you if I knew I would be in this position. I would have gotten knocked up a long time ago. I know everything happens for a reason and a season. I just feel unhappy. While I was typing this one of the clinical psychologist called me back. I have an appointment in a few weeks. It was going to be next week but that is baby making week with known donor. I have to do it the week after. I liked her on the phone. She didn’t make me feel like a freak. Here is to feeling better!!!


Fighting Depression!

The bank rejected lowering the price of my house. I know all is not lost. But I wanted to cry at my desk. No man, No baby, stuck in a house. I know not the biggest problems ever. But they are my problems and I am ready to get on with my life. I am ready to leave this state.

My realtor is still on board. He did mention walking away. Many reason why I don’t want to go that option. The biggest one is the government garnishing wages for the difference. He said he didn’t know anyone that happen to. I hate statements like that. Meaning I could be the one that happens to. I am trying to do things the right way.

Maybe the people who came to see it will be interested. Please , Please, Please I am praying they are. I am so ready for this to be done with this.

I also have been dog sitting. I will never do it again. I feel so bad about it. These are good friends of mine. They will be taking my dog when I move. They are going to let me live with them before I move back home. So of course I  agreed to watch their dog when asked. Well this dog has shown his ass big time.

I have a dog but I am not a dog person. I should have never gotten my dog. We have muddled through the years. Well the visiting dog has shit and pissed on my floor several times. He also barked through the night because he was in his crate. I know he doesn’t sleep in his crate at home. I don’t trust that he won’t piss on something if I let him out.

I put my dog in the crate also so there was no favoritism. People think dogs don’t act like humans. Well let me tell you these two dogs have jealousy issues. When I let one out to be walked. They other one barks like why not me. I only put them in the crate when I am not there to watch them. So all day on the fourth we lounged around the house. Visiting dog acted decent until he was put in that crate. He is leaving tomorrow. Not a moment to soon I want some uninterrupted sleep.

I called my friend and told her. She is so apologetic. I feel bad!!! She offered to take me out when she gets back. I said no need you are willing to take my dog into your family and me when I need a place for a few months. I don’t need anything from her she is a great friend. Even thought her dog is driving me crazy.

My realtor responded to the bank with a reasonable response to their rejection. We will see if that does anything. God, God please help me unload this house!!!

Depression again!!

I know I suffer from depression. I had doctors tell me it isn’t severe enough to go on medication. I am grateful for that. It still no fun to deal with.

I was so excited about the process of getting rid of my house. Then when I found out I needed to be in default to even be considered. It just took me for a tail spin. I talked to one of my single mother by choice friends. She said it perfectly. I am sick of being responsible. I am responsible for everything in my life. All my choices affect me and only me. I would love a partnership. A co counsel on my life and decisions.

I know it is what it is. Bitching about it won’t change it.  Depression brings food and I know I gained back all I have lost. I know I have lost my sanity with every bite. I have to get it together.

I am going back to my program for food this week. I can at least go back home slim and trim and feeling good. These 30 damn pounds seem so impossible. Just like my unmanageable life. I know some of this is self-created drama. The poor me’s. Other than this blog I really haven’t expressed it to anyone. It just goes around and around in my head. I need to let it out.

On a brighter note I am miss popular on the dating site when I switched it to Massachusetts. I really wasn’t expecting that. It is a bit of an ego boost.

Now I am obsessed with insemination stories on YouTube. THey are mostly lesbian couples. The story have gotten me hooked. Now I am following their pregnancies week to week. I am trying to keep my body ready for when I am ready to do my insemination. I am taking a prenatal, DHEA. I am going to go back to acupuncture when I get out of my house.

I miss the acupuncture. I need to relax, and the acupuncture did help. The DHEA is giving me side affects. I didn’t realize it until my friend mention another friend was dealing with the side affects. I have acne and my hair is falling out. Thank god I have enough hair on my head to go around so it doesn’t make a difference. Also extra hair growth. I haven’t really noticed that thank god.

I bought another scratch ticket today. I am really going to have to work on this!!

Save Me!!

Have a nice day

Today has just been one of those days. I am tired of everything including my job. I am ready for my life to go in a different direction and a different place.

If doctor dude asked me to go to Vegas and jump the broom today I would. Just in desperate need for change in my life. I know I could be opening a whole nother can a worms with that past statement. It is still how I feel. Me being me I did send that to him in a text message. Of course I had LOL after the message with a smiley face.

I was half kidding. I am just in that place today. I go to this place more than I like to admit.

If some money came into to my life that would be just as good. I told Doctor dude if I get some money I am going straight to get clinic and get knocked up. He didn’t like hearing that at all. I have to say I am not to worried about how he feels. I have a fantasy with him no real reality has happened.

 My praying fell off as soon as I committed to do it. I am so undisciplined it is sickening.

I am going to try to start today. I am making no promises this time. I am going to try is all I am going to commit too. I am ecstatic is Friday. No big plans on the horizon. A lot of errands I wish I could palm off on someone else. When your are single that person does not exist. So pretty much I am going to have to suck it up and take care of my business.

I have never wrote about this before. I doubt anyone at my job reads this blog. I sit in a cube. The people who sit around me drives me crazy with the constant sounds they make all day. I have never been around such a noisy bunch in my life. One is smacking on ice all day. Also beating up a bottle filled with ice to get the ice out. I hear every noise that comes out of her mouth. It drives me crazy. I try to turn up my radio and concentrate on something else. Sometimes that works sometimes it doesn’t. Now you might think I am over reacting. People have come by my cube and asked me what is that noise. I explained to them what it is and one comment was that was not sexy. I could do nothing but laugh. Hearing a smacking sound all day is not sexy. I also have another person next to my cube that sucks on his teeth for twenty minutes after he eats.

It is crazy. I can’t really tell them to stop. I tried telling him to stop sucking on his teeth. That didn’t go over well. So now I leave it alone. I feel people have no office etiquette these days.

Such as stinking up the break room cooking fish in the microwave. When I worked at another job this woman would open tuna fish then put the can in her trash can outside her office for us to smell all day. She would be in her office with an air freshener. One day I told her the whole office was talking about her. She was in shock. I said if you don’t want to smell tuna what makes you think we do.

I swear some people only care about themselves.

Depression relief!!

My depression has been lifted. I know it has to do with my eating. It has been two-week of clean eating and I feel a lot better. I still have issues with my life and the things not in it. I don’t feel like I am about to fall of the edge of a cliff. Which is a relief from not to long ago.

I really need to watch for depression because it runs ramped in my family. If I stay on this road I will finally fit back into my clothes. Every time I look in my closet and see all those clothes that are two small I tear up.

I also need to incorporate exercise. I swear I can be the laziest person on the earth. I need to get my body moving.

Mr. Short guy hasn’t contacted me since I sent that you could have call me email. Oh well, not a big deal. I am in the mode if it is meant to be it will be.

 The lottery is up high this week. The mega millions and powerball are over 100 million. I know it is a shot in hell to win. I have to give a shot like everyone else. I did the office pool as usual and my own personal numbers I choose. Picking my own numbers can’t be any different from a quick pick in my book.

I remember years ago a 19-year-old won the pot using his siblings birthdays. It is nice to dream. I have no idea what I would do with that kind of money. I guess the answer is what ever the hell I want to do. LOL!!! Today is a good day and I feel good. When I see the glass half full things always seem better.

Depression Reversal

I have finally admitted to myself and others my depresssion. I yelled at my aunt because when I use the word depressed to my family members they sweep it under the rug. Don’t they know people kill themselves. Granted I am not at that point. The point is depression is a serious issues. The problem is my family are a bunch of very selfish people. When they have a problem they want you devastated and listen to their every concern. When you have a problem you are just being dramatic and it really isn’t that bad. Or others are going through the same thing. Or be grateful because you are so blessed. Yes all these answers might be true but they do nothing for depression. It just makes me think they don’t give a shit unless it affects them in some way.

I am thirty pounds from my ideal weight which bugs the hell out of me. Granted I  was over a hundred pounds away. That was in my twenties which was so damn long ago. I am discontent with life. No drug can cure that issue. I was thinking of going to the doctor and getting an anti-depressant. I have had these issues of depression since I was a teenager. I have always been told my issues have never warranted medication. That is a true blessing. Doping me up isn’t going to magically change my life.

Allot of my issues is a  feeling life is so unfair. Granted no one told me it would ever be fair. Also there are many others who would love my life. I even had a friend tell me how she envied my life of freedom. Lately it hasn’t felt that free due to the bondage of my mind. I know everything can always be worse. I am looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.

The tunnel of work coming home to a dog and no children to open Christmas presents. I have been recommend to stop focussing on what I don’t have and focus on what I do. This is a challenge I am working on starting today.For the next three months I am not worry about a baby or a man. Or lack of money to have the baby on my own right now. I am focussing on what I do have and my physical, mental and spiritual health.

I am blessed to have my family. They drive me crazy but I am blessed they are here and healthy. I am blessed to have great friends to call me on my shit. I am blessed that I am healthy. You cannot buy health so I am going to try an appreciate it every day. I am blessed I can pay my bills and I am not homeless or struggling. There are so many people suffering I need to appreciate that I am not. I appreciate that my job is not that stressful. I like the people I work with. That is saying allot. I have had five jobs and two temp jobs in eleven years. It is nice to feel ok about going to work.

I have been so focussed on the negative the positive seems impossible to find. I need to improve my attitude and I know things will change.