Depression again!!

I know I suffer from depression. I had doctors tell me it isn’t severe enough to go on medication. I am grateful for that. It still no fun to deal with.

I was so excited about the process of getting rid of my house. Then when I found out I needed to be in default to even be considered. It just took me for a tail spin. I talked to one of my single mother by choice friends. She said it perfectly. I am sick of being responsible. I am responsible for everything in my life. All my choices affect me and only me. I would love a partnership. A co counsel on my life and decisions.

I know it is what it is. Bitching about it won’t change it.  Depression brings food and I know I gained back all I have lost. I know I have lost my sanity with every bite. I have to get it together.

I am going back to my program for food this week. I can at least go back home slim and trim and feeling good. These 30 damn pounds seem so impossible. Just like my unmanageable life. I know some of this is self-created drama. The poor me’s. Other than this blog I really haven’t expressed it to anyone. It just goes around and around in my head. I need to let it out.

On a brighter note I am miss popular on the dating site when I switched it to Massachusetts. I really wasn’t expecting that. It is a bit of an ego boost.

Now I am obsessed with insemination stories on YouTube. THey are mostly lesbian couples. The story have gotten me hooked. Now I am following their pregnancies week to week. I am trying to keep my body ready for when I am ready to do my insemination. I am taking a prenatal, DHEA. I am going to go back to acupuncture when I get out of my house.

I miss the acupuncture. I need to relax, and the acupuncture did help. The DHEA is giving me side affects. I didn’t realize it until my friend mention another friend was dealing with the side affects. I have acne and my hair is falling out. Thank god I have enough hair on my head to go around so it doesn’t make a difference. Also extra hair growth. I haven’t really noticed that thank god.

I bought another scratch ticket today. I am really going to have to work on this!!

Save Me!!

Have a nice day

Today has just been one of those days. I am tired of everything including my job. I am ready for my life to go in a different direction and a different place.

If doctor dude asked me to go to Vegas and jump the broom today I would. Just in desperate need for change in my life. I know I could be opening a whole nother can a worms with that past statement. It is still how I feel. Me being me I did send that to him in a text message. Of course I had LOL after the message with a smiley face.

I was half kidding. I am just in that place today. I go to this place more than I like to admit.

If some money came into to my life that would be just as good. I told Doctor dude if I get some money I am going straight to get clinic and get knocked up. He didn’t like hearing that at all. I have to say I am not to worried about how he feels. I have a fantasy with him no real reality has happened.

 My praying fell off as soon as I committed to do it. I am so undisciplined it is sickening.

I am going to try to start today. I am making no promises this time. I am going to try is all I am going to commit too. I am ecstatic is Friday. No big plans on the horizon. A lot of errands I wish I could palm off on someone else. When your are single that person does not exist. So pretty much I am going to have to suck it up and take care of my business.

I have never wrote about this before. I doubt anyone at my job reads this blog. I sit in a cube. The people who sit around me drives me crazy with the constant sounds they make all day. I have never been around such a noisy bunch in my life. One is smacking on ice all day. Also beating up a bottle filled with ice to get the ice out. I hear every noise that comes out of her mouth. It drives me crazy. I try to turn up my radio and concentrate on something else. Sometimes that works sometimes it doesn’t. Now you might think I am over reacting. People have come by my cube and asked me what is that noise. I explained to them what it is and one comment was that was not sexy. I could do nothing but laugh. Hearing a smacking sound all day is not sexy. I also have another person next to my cube that sucks on his teeth for twenty minutes after he eats.

It is crazy. I can’t really tell them to stop. I tried telling him to stop sucking on his teeth. That didn’t go over well. So now I leave it alone. I feel people have no office etiquette these days.

Such as stinking up the break room cooking fish in the microwave. When I worked at another job this woman would open tuna fish then put the can in her trash can outside her office for us to smell all day. She would be in her office with an air freshener. One day I told her the whole office was talking about her. She was in shock. I said if you don’t want to smell tuna what makes you think we do.

I swear some people only care about themselves.

Depression relief!!

My depression has been lifted. I know it has to do with my eating. It has been two-week of clean eating and I feel a lot better. I still have issues with my life and the things not in it. I don’t feel like I am about to fall of the edge of a cliff. Which is a relief from not to long ago.

I really need to watch for depression because it runs ramped in my family. If I stay on this road I will finally fit back into my clothes. Every time I look in my closet and see all those clothes that are two small I tear up.

I also need to incorporate exercise. I swear I can be the laziest person on the earth. I need to get my body moving.

Mr. Short guy hasn’t contacted me since I sent that you could have call me email. Oh well, not a big deal. I am in the mode if it is meant to be it will be.

 The lottery is up high this week. The mega millions and powerball are over 100 million. I know it is a shot in hell to win. I have to give a shot like everyone else. I did the office pool as usual and my own personal numbers I choose. Picking my own numbers can’t be any different from a quick pick in my book.

I remember years ago a 19-year-old won the pot using his siblings birthdays. It is nice to dream. I have no idea what I would do with that kind of money. I guess the answer is what ever the hell I want to do. LOL!!! Today is a good day and I feel good. When I see the glass half full things always seem better.

Depression Reversal

I have finally admitted to myself and others my depresssion. I yelled at my aunt because when I use the word depressed to my family members they sweep it under the rug. Don’t they know people kill themselves. Granted I am not at that point. The point is depression is a serious issues. The problem is my family are a bunch of very selfish people. When they have a problem they want you devastated and listen to their every concern. When you have a problem you are just being dramatic and it really isn’t that bad. Or others are going through the same thing. Or be grateful because you are so blessed. Yes all these answers might be true but they do nothing for depression. It just makes me think they don’t give a shit unless it affects them in some way.

I am thirty pounds from my ideal weight which bugs the hell out of me. Granted I  was over a hundred pounds away. That was in my twenties which was so damn long ago. I am discontent with life. No drug can cure that issue. I was thinking of going to the doctor and getting an anti-depressant. I have had these issues of depression since I was a teenager. I have always been told my issues have never warranted medication. That is a true blessing. Doping me up isn’t going to magically change my life.

Allot of my issues is a  feeling life is so unfair. Granted no one told me it would ever be fair. Also there are many others who would love my life. I even had a friend tell me how she envied my life of freedom. Lately it hasn’t felt that free due to the bondage of my mind. I know everything can always be worse. I am looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.

The tunnel of work coming home to a dog and no children to open Christmas presents. I have been recommend to stop focussing on what I don’t have and focus on what I do. This is a challenge I am working on starting today.For the next three months I am not worry about a baby or a man. Or lack of money to have the baby on my own right now. I am focussing on what I do have and my physical, mental and spiritual health.

I am blessed to have my family. They drive me crazy but I am blessed they are here and healthy. I am blessed to have great friends to call me on my shit. I am blessed that I am healthy. You cannot buy health so I am going to try an appreciate it every day. I am blessed I can pay my bills and I am not homeless or struggling. There are so many people suffering I need to appreciate that I am not. I appreciate that my job is not that stressful. I like the people I work with. That is saying allot. I have had five jobs and two temp jobs in eleven years. It is nice to feel ok about going to work.

I have been so focussed on the negative the positive seems impossible to find. I need to improve my attitude and I know things will change.

Depression Deffered

Dance

Image by Robbert van der Steeg via Flickr

I have been depressed for a while. I guess it has been obvious. I finally admitted it to myself and others. I wanted the pity from my family and friends. My aunt was on point with feeling bad for me. It was so soothing and felt good. We all know misery loves company.

Then my friend called to invite me out to Old school. Old school is a monthly party in one of the mid-town hotels. Yeah I am old enough to appreciate a party called Old School. I have actually been going to this party on and off for about ten years. They play a medley of the 80’s and 90’s. Which is actually the music I love. R&B and Hip Hop was the best during those two decades.

I gave my friend the same sob story I gave my aunt. She was not having it at all. She gave me a verbal tongue lashing. Told me to shit or get off the pot. I cannot sit here in the house and feel pitiful. I need to live my life and not be depressed. It made sense but I did not want to hear it. There are a few things she said about my fears that I need to work through. My fears run deep and I don’t believe that will be cured any time soon. I told her I didn’t feel like it and ended the conversation.

I came home and put away my grocery. Yelled at Mr. Shitty paints. I found a pee stain on my carpet that I hadn’t noticed. Then I turned on my t.v. and started to think of how pitiful I was. That lasted an hour. I got up and went shopping for an outfit to go out.  I am going to shake what my mama gave me at Old School. I went to the tiny bopper store. I want to look cute and ready to get my groove on. I bought some skinny jeans. They are not as skinny as they use to be. I am working on that. I found out this store had longs in their paints. Which is a highlight in my world. The little things that make me happy.

I bought a shirt with sequence butterfly on it. Hard to picture but very cute. I also bought earrings and some boots. Yes I went all out. I got a lot of help from one of the girls working there. Which is actually one of the reason I love this store. The workers act like personal stylist. I said that to the woman who helped me and another woman agreed with me. On the way home I got my eyebrows arched. I have been letting them grow out due to them being too thin from not letting my usual lady do them. So lately I have been looking like a wolf. Since I haven’t been feeling that great these days it really didn’t bother me. For a night on the time I needed to handle to unnecessary hair.

I am going out to dance my booty off and have a good time. I am not looking for a man. I have to state that due to the eligible men at an event would always been on my mind. I am just going to have fun and get out of myself.

Thanksgiving Blues

I spent Thanksgiving alone which doesn’t make me sad. I am not into food these days and have many eating restrictions. These restrictions make it difficult going to others homes.  I am concerned on how they cook their food and what they put in it. I have made the effort and accepted many invitations over the ten years I have moved to the south.

The blues comes from Thanksgiving of the past.  There are only a few occasions that my family felt like a family.  This only existed by the presences of one woman.  My grandmother is the only person who could piece together a family of strangers.  Living with my grandmother made our house the focal point of the festivities.

She spent all night and day cooking the meal for her family.  Deserts were made specifically for people.  I received my own personal sweet potatoes pie. My uncle had his own banana pudding.  Everyone made an appearance.  Family members that hadn’t been seen for pretty much the whole year would show up and pay their respect. It is the one time I don’t remember any arguments or discourse that pledged the family on a regular basis.

Her death put an end to any family unity. It has been 17 years that my grandmother was put in the grave.  Thanksgiving has never been the same to me. I miss my Nana in ways no one could understand.  She had a different relationship with everyone in our family.  In my case she always made me feel special and treated me more like a daughter than a grandchild.  I owe all the success in my life to her need to give me stability.

Not yet having my own family of husband and children. I also live in the south and my family lives on the east coast.  I am always asked if I want to come home for the holidays.  I hate traveling during this time.  I make it my personal mission to not deal with the cold weather of Boston.  If my Nana was still there I would make it my personal mission to be there for her.  The feel of Thanksgiving has never been replicated since her death.  I have the blues of the Thanksgivings of the past.  The one day a year my family felt like a family.