It’s Official!!

I am not pregnant. The casual evening did not turn into an offspring.

My first round of disappointment.  I am not really upset. I think I would have been totally surprised if it had happened. The fact that I got my period early, I am not even sure I was ovulating at that time.

A friend asked me if I was going to try again with the ex. The answer is no. We tried that last year and with his job obligations it was to damn much to get him local when I needed him to be.

I have a lot of fear about this next step. I am about to commit a lot of resources for something that is not guaranteed to work.  I am going to through North West Cryo bank. There sperm is more reasonable them the other banks.  My clinic wants to do one sample two days apart. Which I agree with. I heard it has a better chance of success.

I started taking the DHEA today. I only had the 50 mg ones. I need to hit Walgreen’s today, and find the 25mg.  I was told to take 25mg three times a day. I don’t want to take any extra of this stuff. The side effects for me sucks.

My financial insecurities are kicking up again. I talked to the ex today. He felt bad it didn’t work. I think he would have been scared if it did. Then he tells me he believes his health insurance pays for fertility. I was thinking thanks for the insight. How in the hell does that help me!!!

Work has been going well. No complaints which is a great thing.

I am back on my scratch ticket kick. My friends think I am crazy. You never know what can happen. My chances are as good as anyone else.   Here is to winning some money!!!! Keeping hope alive!!!!!

 

Depression again!!

I know I suffer from depression. I had doctors tell me it isn’t severe enough to go on medication. I am grateful for that. It still no fun to deal with.

I was so excited about the process of getting rid of my house. Then when I found out I needed to be in default to even be considered. It just took me for a tail spin. I talked to one of my single mother by choice friends. She said it perfectly. I am sick of being responsible. I am responsible for everything in my life. All my choices affect me and only me. I would love a partnership. A co counsel on my life and decisions.

I know it is what it is. Bitching about it won’t change it.  Depression brings food and I know I gained back all I have lost. I know I have lost my sanity with every bite. I have to get it together.

I am going back to my program for food this week. I can at least go back home slim and trim and feeling good. These 30 damn pounds seem so impossible. Just like my unmanageable life. I know some of this is self-created drama. The poor me’s. Other than this blog I really haven’t expressed it to anyone. It just goes around and around in my head. I need to let it out.

On a brighter note I am miss popular on the dating site when I switched it to Massachusetts. I really wasn’t expecting that. It is a bit of an ego boost.

Now I am obsessed with insemination stories on YouTube. THey are mostly lesbian couples. The story have gotten me hooked. Now I am following their pregnancies week to week. I am trying to keep my body ready for when I am ready to do my insemination. I am taking a prenatal, DHEA. I am going to go back to acupuncture when I get out of my house.

I miss the acupuncture. I need to relax, and the acupuncture did help. The DHEA is giving me side affects. I didn’t realize it until my friend mention another friend was dealing with the side affects. I have acne and my hair is falling out. Thank god I have enough hair on my head to go around so it doesn’t make a difference. Also extra hair growth. I haven’t really noticed that thank god.

I bought another scratch ticket today. I am really going to have to work on this!!