Ending a Relationship

A relationship ending is the hardest shit to go through. Especially when you are not the one ending it. Over the years I have shed many tears for some man who didn’t want my ass for one reason or another. I have actually been on that receiving end of bullshit more than I care to admit.

Now I have a friend close to me. A marriage is ending and she is crying and not doing well. I feel her pain and want to give her strength. There are kids involved and to be honest I have never been married. I can only give her my limited advice.

This might sound horrible, but you can only give a certain type of advice to certain friends. She is a friend but not a homegirl. A friend I say, pray about it and work on protecting you and your kids. Get ready to do it by yourself.

A homegirl, FUCK HIM. Tell him to kiss your ass. Do not let him see you cry. Don’t give his ass the satisfaction. The best revenge is living well and lets him know you will be just fine without his full of shit ass.  All this to say you kind of has to know your place with your friends.

I smell another bitch on the scene. She does too so we can have a real conversation about that. Even though the realities of relationships there is no protection. Some of the relationship I see my friends have, no way in hell I could be in. Probably the reason I am terminally single. I have a low tolerance for bullshit. The ones with all the bull are always attracted to me.  Such as life. I am glad the importance of a man in my life is very low. Not to say if Mr. Dream man or Mr. Right now (I will deal with him to) comes around he would get a chance.

I am still dreaming about the second baby. The plumber is still keeping in touch. I can go for a co-parenting situation. My eggs are getting older by the second.  I using the law of attractions for some money to come to afford the process of getting pregnant and the money needed to raise another baby.

Trying not to be bitter!!

I was talking to a single mom by choice wannabe friend. I call us wannabe ‘s because there is no baby so we are not there yet. We were stating how bitter we were.

I am trying not to be. It isn’t working. It seems like everyone is pregnant and I am not in the exclusive club. I love my friends children. I love when they talk about them and I see there pictures on cards and Facebook.

It is also a reminder of what I do not have and want so badly. How did I end up being the jilted one. I would have never predicted this ever being my circumstances. I had such a bright future with so many possibilities.

I never thought of a time clock being attached to my eggs.  Who the hell thinks about that. Someone should have warned me. I might not have listened. I feel so blind sided by time. By lack of a man and babies.

To make is worse it isn’t like I haven’t been trying. If I meet another man who states I can’t believe you are single I am going to slap him upside the head. Or what is wrong with you. You never been married and have no kids. What is being divorced and paying or getting child support a mark of something right!! Is using a condom so I didn’t get a disease or have children un planned is wrong all of a sudden. Is it my fault the men of my life never really wanted to commit. Or I didn’t want someone’s last name just because they asked knowing we were not compatible and would have ended up in divorce.

What did I do wrong. I have a lot of friends in jacked up marriages. Why do I find myself jealous of bad relationships. I know it is crazy. It makes me think what did I do wrong!!

I am tired of being baby less and man less. I am straight tired of dating and all the bullshit that comes with it. What does that leave me. In a rock in a hard damn place. I am going to start praying my ass off for some answer. I guess all I have left is god!!!

Dating update

I swear if it wasn’t my life I wouldn’t believe it. Bad teeth dude is not going away quietly. I gave him the I don’t see us together. You are too pushy for me. I used everything that did not include I am not attracted to you. No reason to hurt the man. Well I have gotten a few voices mails and two emails. Granted one was a reply to my email response. I am going to have to come up with a game plan for this one.

The others are not going so well. It doesn’t look like three dates will be planned. 6’4 guy employment sounds sketchy. I refuse to deal with any men with money problems. I know the economy is a mess. Yes my finances are not that great. I do not need more drama to my drama.  I gave this guy my number before I was aware of the job status. So I am going to have to come up with a game plan for him also.

Italian dude lives with roommates. Not a big deal. If he was not in his 40’s. I don’t see that as cute when you are up in age. Maybe if he was going through a divorce or something. The man has never been married. I wonder if I am being to harsh. I might have to think this one through.

The young guy is still going strong with his emails. We will see. I think I will need a new batch soon. These guys are dropping like flies.

Plan B

It worked out great. I received my movie and had the house all to myself to watch in peace. This is the move for every woman even considering being a single mother by choice needs to watch.

I could relate with every woman in the movie. It is more up to date than And Baby Makes Two. I felt this movie was made in this century LOL. Don’t get me wrong I did enjoy that movie also.

They made it very clear they wanted a man in their lives. He didn’t show up. They were strong and ready to face the world as mothers. Not a woman stranded by a man who left them or a husband death or divorce.  They were women ready to make the choice to be mothers.

I also enjoyed the three-year update at the end. One woman ended up having two children. She had included her future husband in a family picture. The caption read he will be adopting the children. That was beyond beautiful to me.

This is not plan A. It is plan B. The judgement from others are un warranted. 50% of marriages end in divorce. So we can not assume even with the best intentions your children will have both parents.

I was talking to boyfriend last night. I said what if I was pregnant and needed to move back home. He said “you will have to do what you have to do.” Not the answer I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear I want a family. I wouldn’t want you to go. Ok reality check. If I really wanted to go home, would I want him to stop me. Probably not.

I still have this fictional fantasy of how things should be. Those god damn fairy tales. They have only hurt me in my life. Living in a dream world. I know if boyfriend and I don’t make it. If children are not produced from this relationship. I am ready to make the leap by myself. I have to make my happiness. Not wait for someone to give it to me. Or prince charming to save me.

Such a reality check. No husband does not equal pathetic life. Now with technology it also does not equal spinster with cats. I can have what I want. Thank you technology!!! With these medical advances and men willing to give their genetic material at a price, I don’t have to be a victim of circumstance.

It is so empowering I am beyond words.

Possiable Grandparents

I was talking to my mom the other day. She is very excited about being a Nana. Did I mention she had the name her grandchild would call her for the past 15 years. She wanted to know if boyfriend would help me with the baby. I said the only answer I had. He said he wants to. The truth of the matter is who the hell knows. He seems like the type of guy who wants an active interest in his children’s life. He presently doesn’t have any offspring so I have no proof of that fact.

Well my mom informed me if he doesn’t do bring my ass home. Yes those are the words she used. My mom is very ghetto. I love her but she is.  If he doesn’t hold up his end home to Boston is where I will be. I just have a better support system back home. My mom wanted me home for years. It actually has nothing to do with giving birth. It has to do with her only child being gone for ten years. My mother would have never left her mom. Granted my mom was closer to her mom than I am to her. It doesn’t matter in her mind. I still need to be in the same city.

My mom is retired and works part-time. My father will be retired next month. My mom has it all planned out that they can tag team taking care of their grandchildren. The funny thing is my father is more of a baby person than my mother. I just think in this phase of their lives grandchildren would be everything to them. It is great to have that fallback. I want this situation to work. I really do.  The boyfriend and I could work out. We have just as much chance and anyone else. It has been rocky and who knows. I am still keeping hope alive.

She also let me know her and my father would babysit while I am at work. That would be beyond great. Daycare expense can kill any budget. Did I mention my mother and father have been divorced since I was 14. Well to be more specific they broke up with I was 2 1/2 divorced twelve years later. Yeah I know crazy. I guess no one was in a hurry to divorce. Also no one wanted to pay for it.

My mother and I have one sticking point. If I end up back home my dog is not coming. My dog is beyond spoiled. He loves air conditioning. More like central air. Not a AC unit in one window in one room in the house .He hates snow and ice. When GA froze over this last winter my dog was going crazy. Also he only likes to use the bathroom on grass. He would not survive the concrete jungle of a city.   Did I mention he hates cats. My mom’s cat who is going nowhere by the way would kick my dog’s ass. That cat is like 30 pounds. I know sad my mom is going to feed that cat to death. My dog just made 5 pounds. The last point is I don’t want to walk a dog in a blizzard. My mom can talk all the mess she wants to. I know she won’t either!!!