Preschool coming soon!!

Ava will be starting preschool the day she turns 3. I can’t believe I had this little person for almost 3 years. This shit is crazy. I remember living in Atlanta area crying my ass off, feeling like a failure. How the hell can I not have a man and no baby. WTF was god doing to me. Yes, I called my mother crying like a big ass baby.

God gave me a child who looks just like me. He gave me the baby that I desired. He didn’t give me a perfect baby. We have been on a roller coaster for over a year with Ava diagnosis. I am getting more comfortable and positive and I might share soon. The details of what has been going on this past year.

It was hard for me to accept. Even though acceptance did not stop me for doing everything necessary for the benefit of Ava success. I know that sounds strange, to not accept but be overboard with all that needs to be done. A therapist told me yesterday you are not one of the parents I worry about getting anything done.

I coming close to acceptance and living in the solution not the fears. Living in fear has been a big part of my life. The why me, pity  party, victim mentality. I fight those feelings all the time. Even fighting those feelings I do the next right thing. I had someone tell me a longtime ago give me great advice. Act as if you are strong until you are. Act as if things will be alright until they are. Act as if you love yourself until you do. So I practice acting as if and moving like my life is exactly they way I want it to be until it is.

Another Day!

Monologist

Doctor dude AKA fake boyfriend sent me a text that he was sick all weekend. A friend asked if I believed him. I guess it is in a womans nature to cast doubt. I have no reason not believe him. Even if I didn’t believe him what would it matter?

He did call last night. I missed the call. My cell phone was upstairs charging. No biggie!!

I guess my post yesterday has brought a lot of conversation on the desperate topic.

A faithful reader which happens to be a good friend sent me an email regarding my post. I swear she understands me. Then I talked to a different friend and she brought it up and I know she doesn’t read my blog.

The point being if we were desperate we would not be alone. There is always someone who wants you, that you don’t want. For various reason I have kicked people out of my life.

The ex Fiance that tried to give me bible homework. Then got mad when I didn’t do it. The man abusive in his tone when he was mad. The man who only wanted to see me when he felt like it. The man who couldn’t pay his bills. Yeah I could have had any of them. If I was willing to take the pile of shit that came with them.

Some women are willing to take the shit to have a man. I am not!! To all my sister who feel the same way Amen to you.

I have an ex friend. Why is she ex? This woman had more drama than any soap opera. I was sick of talking to her. I am convinced she created these dramas in her life.

 I remember in High School this girl would come to school with a daily drama. Another girl said something I will never forget. No ones life is that damn interesting. Either she is lying or creating the drama.

I would agree this ex friend was creating this drama in her life. The last and final straw was when she finally got out of an abusive relationship. I do not mean just verbal. He was about to kick her ass. It was getting more and more violent. 

She finally had her own place seem to be doing well. With in 30 days she had a new man living with her. I thought to myself that was quick as hell. To know this woman it was not odd. She could not be without a man. Her whole validation was who was laying in her bed at night.

I am talking to her one day and she said she couldn’t pay her light bill. I am thinking damn this bill must be real high. It was two hundred bucks. My next comment which I should have kept to myself was why doesn’t your boyfriend help you. By this point he has been living there three months.

Why didn’t I keep my mouth shut? He doesn’t have a job she says!! WTF!!

Seriously here we go again. I said nothing after that. Then she started to defend herself. I told her if you like it I love it. I didn’t care to be in the conversation of her dramas to have a man. When she realized I wasn’t arguing with her she started to get nasty with me.

Basically the jest was I was pathetic because I didn’t have a man. That was the last and final straw. I went off right at this point. I let her know that I will love myself more than any man will ever love me. The pathetic one is you who can’t live with out someone. You get rid of trash to let more trash in. I am not your therapist and you are not my dependent. I can not put your ass on my taxes. I am sick of hearing this bullshit. I wish you the best and this friendship is over.

When she heard that I could hear the shock in her voice. I have been there with her B.S. since college. It had been over 10 years of me listening and walking her through her self-created dramas. I haven’t talked to her in two plus years.  I don’t care to talk to her again. She is not missed.

I don’t need a man. I desire a man. If he is not an asset in my life he is a liability. I will never ever take care of a grown ass man!! Or lower myself in any way to have a man in my life.

Family Drama

What is a holiday without a good dose of family drama. Well I have to say I was not spared this holiday. Even thought I live over an 18 hour drive from my family. I was granted the family drama via the phone. First I got very emotional over some family business that I felt was not being taken seriously. Then I had two family members crying to me over the phone for different reasons. One accusing me of taking the other persons side.

All I could think is why are they calling me with this. I am not the most sensitive person. I know it and it isn’t a family secret. I guess I have a hard shell towards my family because I feel I am never heard and feelings never taken into consideration. So  it is hard for me to listen to the crying with much sympathy. I know that is horrible. I am no therapist, and I don’t want to be in the middle at all.

I love my family but I feel they can be very selfish. There feelings are the most important. Have you ever talked to someone and they seemed to spin it to how it affects them. There is always some come back with their pain and issues when you have something to say.

Then when you dish the same thing out to them all hell breaks loose. I got blasted for doing the exact same thing to a family member she does to me. She told me I was insensitive and mean. I said wow I took that out of your play book. I asked her did she remember doing the exact same thing to me. Why is ok for her to treat me like crap when she feels like it. When I treat her the same way there is an up roar of drama. That is my family what can I do. I can pick my friends I can’t pick the family I was born into.

I try to focus on my behavior and how I treat others. I am moody and I know it. When I don’t feel like being bothered I want to be left alone. I am not always in the mood for family B.S.

I have a right to take myself out of the equation. I have to protect my feelings I can’t worry about everyone else.  If I took all their dramas on to myself I would be on many drugs. God bless them, God change me!!