Making it another day!

I am sick but not as sick. So hard to explain. I went shopping for maternity clothes. I was very disappointed. There isn’t much in the sections and they are expensive. We ended up at the thrift shop in the plus size section. I am going to get some maternity tank tops and figure it out. I also need some additional maternity pants which I think I can find online. I am still comfortable in my regular pants. I am afraid one day I am going to pop and not be prepared. I am not ashamed to where my one pair of pants for several days.

A guy from college got in touch with me via Facebook to meet. He was in town. I felt like he was squeezing me in. He couldn’t tell me ahead of time he was coming into town. The fact that he doesn’t have my phone number and contacting me through Facebook says a lot. I feel fat, have pimples on my face and tired as hell. It wasn’t going to happen. I have to say I been feeling lonely lately.

My aunt wants to come visit. She has her own agenda. I told her if she thinks I am driving her around town, then that is a hell no. When she is here I usually try my best to do what she wants. My therapist told me I am not responsible to take someone everywhere they want to go when they visit. I told her this and she agreed a few months ago. No she is back saying when do you want me to visit. I have no energy to entertain anyone. I am freaking tired. I lay in the bed all day on the weekends. I have to push myself to do everything. So unless she wants to sit in the house I suggest she does not come and visit me. My aunt doesn’t like hearing the word no. She told me I was mean. She wants to go to this hairdresser her daughter in law had at her wedding. I am not the hair chick. So I don’t get why this is so important. Also not my problem. She can keep asking I am going to tell her the same answer. I am not taking you to some hairdresser 40 minutes away from my house to wait or come back for you. It is freaking hair. I say this as my hair has been looking beyond crazy these days. I am going to have to figure out what the hell I am going to do with it one of these days. As least as possible is what I feel at the moment.

So if I don’t care about my own hair. I damn sure don’t care about hers. Sorry I have no time to worry about anyone else. Me and pumpkin as my mom calls the baby. My main and only concern. If your mad be mad. I have to say I don’t care and I mean I really don’t care.


25 DPO

No period!!! I still haven’t taken a test and trying to wait another week. I did get nauseated today and had to get some diet sprite to get it together. This could be real. I emailed known donor and he asked when was the period supposed to come. No response after that answer. I wasn’t looking for a parade from him, but a little more than that.

I have done it again. Looking at the pictures on Facebook and getting jealous. Then I had to think of a friend I have that relationship looks great on the outside but a horror show on the inside.

The guy I was supposed to meet on Saturday. Called at 9 pm after I left him a text saying lets meet at 5 pm. Yeah clearly a loser and would not get my attention. Well he even stated in the message he got my text at 10am. Then proceeded to go into some excuse that sounded like totally bullshit. I deleted it and assumed he would get the message with my lack of response. Well I guess that was too much to ask. He sent me a text on Sunday asking if I got his message. Are you freaking kidding me. I didn’t reply to that either. From the hot comment to this. Every time I don’t go with my first in-stink, I am reminded it works believe it.

I am tired. I am always tired actually. More tired than usual. I took a nap in my car during lunch and I wanted to stay out there all day. I had to drag myself back to work. I feel like everything is coming together. I have no complaints at the moment. I am going to put this man thing on the back burner. Which is annoying since I paid for a site not to long ago. I just not in the mood to deal right now. I have bigger things to focus on. I am staying positive.

I know relationships are hard. I am not in the mood for hard right now. I need some, no drama kind of world for a while. HERE IS TO NO DRAMA. I am going to take the time to hide my profiles. I will use them again I am sure.

What has been UP!

Well four days in a hotel room with my mother was a bit much. I did have a great time at my cousin wedding. I was flirted with and enjoyed every minute. Granted there has been a hard rule since high school. I am not allowed to date any of his friends. I did make a hook up. Yes my lonely ass playing cupid with others lives. I think one will work out. I am not sure about the other.

So I have to say I was flabbergasted. At the bar one night where all the folks from college congregated. I was fat and awkward in college. My cousin on the hand was in his element. Well this tall sexy man, who everyone had a crush on in college. Was whining to the women he is 40 and wants a wife. I told him I would never thought in a million years that I would be having this conversation with him. Then the four women in this conversation deducted the reason he wasn’t in a relationship. He had all these ridiculous requirements.

Good times were had and I enjoyed seeing these people without being fat and feeling out-of-place. So this one particular guy. We went to college with him and his older brother. His older brother was the nerdy awkward guy. Which is actually my type. The younger brother is the suave, with crazy swagger who cold talk your drawers off in minutes type. I told him I liked his brother back in the day. Which I did and he liked me. What happened was he had tried to talk to four girls before me. They were all discussing it and I couldn’t bring myself to be the last one on the list. I was 18 in a new environment and didn’t want to be talked about.

I been talking to him on Facebook instant message. He is in Afghanistan working as a contractor. So maybe he will take me on a date when we are both back in Boston.

Well let me tell you how pissed off I was Monday. I got the double line. Yes, it worked out I got the happy face when I got back home. Well I text my sperm donor all damn day no response. Then I decided to email him. He said he left his phone at home, but didn’t say anything else. I know I turn into the crazy sperm lady during these couple of days of the month. But shit this is what he signed up for. I am not dating him so I have no idea how to handle this crap.

I then drafted him a kiss off letter. Now his ass wants to respond. He apologized and said if it wasn’t to late we could do it on Tuesday. Which actually wasn’t to late. Shit I don’t know it might be right on time. So we did the insemination at noon. Which actually worked out because I was off work and he works down the street from his house. So I didn’t have to run over there at night in traffic.

Still me being me, I had to say something. I told him he needs to do better with communication. He said I can’t help my job. I wanted to scream I don’t give a damn about your job. Just don’t have me waiting.

Whatever, life is never easy. My problem is I am comfortable with him. I don’t want to have to start this process over again. He is my stud until I am ready to roll out. I know he can get me pregnant. I just need it to stick. Well blogosphere that is what is up with me. I hope things are going great for you. Anyone trying to have babies much baby dust to you!!!!


Thank god for roommates!

My roommate and I have been car pooling. Not a big deal we do work at the same place. It can suck when I have to work late. Other than that it has been going pretty well. Well Friday morning I woke up sick. I had been getting up all through the night.  Back and forth to the bathroom.

In the morning I knocked on my roommate door to walk the dogs because I needed another 15 min of sleep. That was the under statement of the century. I ended up in the bathroom and it was coming out of both ends.

I still convinced myself I could go to work. It is month end. I needed to be there. With my promotion and so much to do. That was the wrong decision. My roommate was driving and I am in the passenger seat yelling in pain. I yelled go to CVS to get me some tums. She crossed four lanes of traffic to get to CVS. We were less than five min a ways from work. As she was in CVS, I am throwing up outside. She came back and said either you are going back home or the hospital.

With the 1000 dollar emergency room deductible I said take me home. It took me a day and half to get back to normal. I want to say I am so thankful to my roommate. I have been in similar situations all on my own and it sucked. Now I appreciate having someone around.

I gained 4.4 pounds. I can still fit my clothes even thought they are tight. I feel like a fat ass. Okay I know I am exaggerating it is four pounds. It isn’t fifty pounds. I feel like it is. You have to understand my obsession with my weight. I know it isn’t healthy but just have to be honest. Growing up obese and spending a big chunk of my adult life thin I can’t go back. I always will let it get to a certain point. Yes I been in this place before many times. So I created a plan with a few friends that is working so far. I am trying not to go back to my prior program that I know works. It is so much work. I want to do more work with myself then that program. I say that to say if I gain too much more weight I will be right back to that program.

I was Facebook stalking last night. Last night was I am pitiful and alone night. It happens from time to time. I am grateful it doesn’t happen to often. Things are actually good in my life at the moment. No complaints. A lot of fear!!!

Friends with benefits! (Failed!!)

Friends (With Benefits)

No luck on this front. I want the action but don’t know how I will feel emotionally. The reasons these men are not in my life presently are good ones. So why am I trying to resurrect them. Just for a physical need. I am starting to feel this isn’t a good idea.

I ran it by BigSexy. He thinks I am hilarious. I really want a relationship. It is hard to admit. Casual sex is not going to replace anything in my world. I still have a hunger for physical contact. How do I make it go away. It would be a useful asset in a relationship. Presently it is a pain in the ass.

I have no idea what to do in this situation. I know what I want to do. I don’t think it is wise to do!! I wish I had a crystal ball to tell me what to do!!

Dating slump!

Dr. Slump

Dr. Slump (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I haven’t been on a date since I broke up with asshole. Yes that is his new name. He contacts me randomly which pisses me off. I told him this last time I don’t want to keep in contact with him. We will see if he call again. Knowing him he will. Then doctor dude disappeared.

I have to admit I haven’t really persuade a date. I have mixed feelings about meeting anyone in GA. I don’t want anything to spark feelings when I am trying to move 18 hours away driving. Then I have my personal ads changed to MA. I get a lot of message saying contact me when you get here. I do understand why they don’t want to be bothered with a non-resident.

It puts me in limbo. I haven’t flirted with anyone in a long time. I miss flirting!!! I miss the human touch also. That is an entirely different problem.

I am ready to go. I don’t have my duck in a row at all. The short sale paper work hasn’t even been approved yet. I am in the beginning stages of this process and it really sucks.

I also have been Facebook stalking a few people. I know I should be ashamed. My noiseness got the best of me. These are people I don’t even know that well. One person I was waiting for her wedding pictures. I have to say I loved her dress. I am not even into weddings.

Who is this person?. I am starting not to recognize myself. I have never been into wedding or stalking people on Facebook. I barely go on Facebook.  Something is going on with me and I want it to stop. I want the old me back!! Where is she???

I was talking to a SMC friend and we decided full steam  ahead with baby plans. No man has shown up to change the plans for her. I am in the same boat.  I would have to say I have been living a very singleton life. The dog and I hang out most of the time.

On a good note my back is starting to feel better. Not totally 100%, but at least I can get out of chair and not scream.

I will pass!!

The Dating Game

Image via Wikipedia

I have internet dated for a long time. It is embarrassing to admit how long. Especially, since I do not have a magically wedding from my dating experience. I have had a few relationships and many dates. I can’t say my experience is all bad.

The problem with the internet is so many choices and options. You can meet so many people. It also increases the number of crazy folks you run across.

There are a few things on an ad or when I talk to a man from online that will make me pass on him every time. I know they have no idea they are making these mistakes. Nor should they tailor their profiles for me. It might attract someone just not me.

1) The headline or in the ad has some reference to sex

2) They have sun glasses on in every picture

3) They have a bunch of women in the picture.

4)They have a bunch of guys in your picture. I have no idea whose profile it is.

Please take time to crop people out. I would think that is a basic.

5) Their shirt is off and are posing. I am not a big fan of those pictures.

6) He has a lot pictures of himself.

7) He is rude in his profile

8) If we get past the profile and talk. Sex brought up early in any conversation

9) Talks about himself the entire time

10) All comments are based on looks. No interest in finding out about my personality.

I have come across a lot of this. I have met some very nice men. The internet is so random. There are four people at my job that met their spouse online. I haven’t been that fortunate. I thought I did come close once. For me it is a great outlet because I am a homebody. I like doing things. It isn’t always the bars and the clubs. So meeting people can be a difficult task. When I was in Boston I met a lot of people on the train to work. Now living in Georgia all we do is drive.

Meeting the person for you can be random and just luck. My luck needs to improve!!

Vacation Days!!

I have a few days of vacation. My friend made it through her surgery. Even thought it was a basic surgery you never know. I will be picking her up from the hospital tomorrow. I made use of my day off. I got the emission and paid my registration for 2012. I will never understand why Georgia does that mess on your birthday.

A reminder I did not want. My birthday is on its way. 37 is a number I am not looking forward to. I am grateful to be alive. I just thought I would have a family by now. That makes me very sad. Still money and lack of man are the factors keeping me from the dream of my own family.

Well I am glad I made it another year. I know many people who didn’t make it this far. Facebook keeps me abreast of all the death of my generation. Especially a guy I knew since the eight grade. He was my cousin best friend. He died at 34 and left behind two kids.

So I know I need to be grateful. I don’t know how to balanced being pissed off for my lack of family. Another thing to do, balance Bitterness with blessings.

Well on my next few days off I will accomplish a few things. Mr. Shitty paints is getting a haircut. My dog is looking raged. He doesn’t mind, but I do. I take care of my dog, even thought he doesn’t looks like it at the moment.

I think I might make it to the nail shop and get a mani, pedi and eyebrows. I haven’t splurged on myself in a while. I usually don’t go in the winter. Who is going to see my feet?

I need to do something nice for myself. Maybe that will put me in a better mood. Then I am hitting Redbox and playing my Sims and hanging out.

Doctor dude has been consistent with his calls. Half the time he is falling asleep on the phone. I still appreciate his efforts. Even thought we are on different coast. We will see how it goes. I am trying my best to keep hope alive.

Blast from the past 2

Cropped version of Image:Lucille Ball - YankAr...

Image via Wikipedia

Parts of my history are things I want to remember and things I want to forget. All these things made me the person I am today. I was thinking about my college boyfriend. I wanted this man so bad and he didn’t know I existed. My school had twenties thousand students. We had many different dorm locations. He moved into the cluster of dorms I was living in. He was a RA(Resident Adviser). This man had my attention from the first time we met. He had a thick accent, which I thought was so sexy. I believed he was Jamaican, tall, dark and handsome. I later found out he was from Panama and Spanish was his first language.

I will admit I stalked him. I didn’t know any better I was young. I was trying to force him to be my boyfriend. He blew me off so many times. The last and finally time I went off on him. I told him I was sick of him blowing me off and I was not going to call his ass anymore. I guess he didn’t realize he had hurt my feeling. He invited me to his dorm room that night. A relationship began from that day. I was infatuated with this man. We dated about two semester. He was graduating and I was going to be a junior. I felt I had met my soul mate. We were even born on the same day. How perfect was that!!!

The summer came and I bought a calling card. Long distance wasn’t included like it is now. I knew my mother would flip if I made a lot of long distance calls on her phone. He lived in Connecticut and I in Massachusetts. We were two and half hours away from each other. The summer consisted of us arguing. I felt like Lucille ball in the show I Love Lucy. When Ricky is yelling at her in Spanish and she has no idea what he is talking about. I even took Spanish as an elective because I was dating him. Which turned into the only D on my transcript. Your would think I would have a knack for languages. My grandmother spoke fluent Portuguese. Clearly it didn’t translate in my genetics.

He claimed he was moving to Atlanta GA. So pretty much our relationship was over. He never moved. Then I move there a few years later. Two years after I graduated he tried to start the relationship over. He offered to drive to Boston to take me out. I blew him off. I was still pissed he kicked me to the curb so easily. We stayed in touch for years. Every six months we would find each other via the phone. Until he told me he was getting married. I have to say I was a little bitter.

When Facebook first became popular he added me as a friend. He has now dropped me from his friend list. Since I am not on Facebook often, I have no idea when he kicked me off as a friend. I still think of him from time to time. The first man I could see as my husband. He couldn’t see me as his wife. A little girls dreams at the time!!! My fairytale delusions!!!