Baby Project #28

I don’t feel well. I know it could be all progesterone related. My stomach is way off.  I don’t know what it is. I am trying not to get overly excited. My claim to fame last time. Yes the progesterone I took gave me symptoms. I was pregnant. It didn’t stick but I was.

When I was showing my doctor the acupuncturist pills she wanted me to take. She asked me why she gave me these. I told her to make it stick this time. She said she couldn’t truly confirm I was pregnant or it was the trigger shot. I know it wasn’t. She doesn’t have to confirm.

I been unbelievable tired also. I took an hour nap in my car during lunch. It so didn’t help. It made it worse. I had to get some coffee to make it through the day.

I have been working on my projects. I started writing a Sci-Fi book. I actually have two stories. One people like more than the other one. A friend of mind said my mid is always working on something. She is right. I just need to finish the stuff I create in my mind. I have the big issues of procrastinating and not finishing things.

I put my dreams and aspirations on my vision board. I am looking at it every night for at least five minutes  Trying to be obiediant. It is so hard for me to be consistent. This is a big step for me.

My clothes are tight. I don’t know if it is from poor diet (probably) or fertility drugs. I know I am not comfortable. I am working on it day by day. When I get the positive I will be gaining weight and need to accept it. I don’t think I have a problems with pregnancy weight. At least that for a reason. Not just stuffing your face with crap.

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That DAMN CAT!!

Okay the ex boyfriend text me yesterday. I need him to go away!!. I know I should have ignored it. I know I should have deleted the messages and moved on. Well woulda, coulda, shoulda. I answered with a vengeance  He still loved me, Could we still be friends. He is sorry. He is coming to my apartment.

Now I understand how women go back to their abuser. It so easy to call someone stupid for going back to someone. When you love someone and your emotions are involved you want to believe they changed. You want to believe the good. Even though all they shown you is bad.

In this case I was so pissed. I told him off several times. I don’t want to believe he has changed. I had enough experience to know that isn’t true. I don’t want to believe he cares about anyone but himself. Because I know that isn’t true. He wants to be my friend. None of my friends treat me like crap. So why would I put him in the category of great people who have been there for me. He is no friend.

He doesn’t want to be the bad guy. He wants to be forgiven so he can sleep at night. Well sorry dude not giving that to you. After I got sick of texting I called him and said “say your piece because this is the last time we are going to speak.” Blah, blah, blah the same bullshit coming through the phone. I went to the left. Not my finest moment. Not something I am proud of. Not something that made me seem like a mature adult. I blasted his ass. He hung up on me and I was emotionally spent. I can’t blame this man for what I allowed him to do. I know I share in the blame. I just need him to stop contacting me. I need to heal and move on. I need my life to not have him in it. Or anyone that brings me down in any way. Knowing him, time will pass and he will contact me again. Just like the cat that you can’t get rid of. He will be back!!!

No ovulation yet. Which is unusual. I guess the fertility drugs delayed it. The doctor said this drug usually pushes it forward. Well the eggs are staying in the oven to mature some more. She said she needed them to get bigger. They would be ready for the trigger shot by Wed. So that is what I am shooting for. My boss is out for a week. So my trips to the doctors won’t have to be explained. I will just tell another manager who knows the deal I will be back. Which makes this process smoother.

My anxiety is going out every day. I am about to put the sperm of a stranger in me to make a baby. I am working on starting a family alone. This shit is frightening. I also still want twins. I know my ass is crazy. But I want my child to have a sibling. Someone to go through life with.

God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

and the wisdom to know the difference

I am cooking my dirt tea tonight. I am going to drink today and tomorrow. She said to drink before insemination.  Here is to changing my life completely.

 

Baby Project #10

I am officially on fertility drugs as of last night. No side effects yet, THANK GOD. I hope it stays that way. I am in a great mood today. I want to stay on this happy cloud.

I was talking to Doctor dude last night. I called him this weekend. He didn’t get back to me which is unusual. He said he left his phone in a hospital and got it yesterday. I got a random text from him in the middle of the day yesterday explaining himself. I never get text from him in the middle of the day. So he wanted to let me know he wasn’t ignoring me. How cute!!! I felt a little flattered that he gave a shit.

I told him if I don’t get pregnant (which I know I will). I am moving to PA getting on his insurance and getting IVF. We both laughed. Hey you never know life is stranger than fiction.

The one thing about Doctor dude I really like is we talk. We have talked for five years with maybe three sexual conversation in those five years. Now to be honest the five years was on and off. The fact that he doesn’t treat our conversation like he is paying by the minute I love that!!

I listen to all his medical situation which I find gross and tell him to stop half way through the descriptions. Our relationship has a very interesting dynamic.

No complaints at the moment. I did win 30 bucks on my scratch ticket. I am going to reinvest today.  Mama wants to hit the jackpot!!!