I got paid today and more than half of my paycheck has went to bills. I am sure more will be heading that way. I need to check my mail when I get home. My apartment looks like crap. With my back going out all I can manage to do is take out the trash.
I know I am crazy and it is only 6DPO (Days past ovulation). My nipples have been very hard recently. Also painful to the touch. I am praying for good news. Not just some women hormones out of whack king of crap.
Because of conflicting schedule I haven’t seen my therapist in a while. I made an appointment for next week. I need some direction or at least someone to talk to. I feel like I am standing still watching life pass me by.
They started talking about my 20th high school reunion on Facebook. I am feeling old as hell. Then my aunt sent me pictures of one of her random friends getting married. I told her I didn’t want to see those pictures. She sent them anyway. Then when I mentioned it she said she had to go. I been to two wedding and it has made me feel WTF is wrong with me. So when I asked her ass to not send me those pictures she should have F@#king listened. I know she wants to gossip.
It gets on my nerves when people are insensitive. I couldn’t give a damn about a girl I never met and don’t know getting married. Good for her!!
I am sitting at my desk with a hot pad on my back. Which is getting better by the day. I feel bad for anyone with chronic back problems. This paid is no damn joke. When I am back to 100% I am going to try my best not to take for-granted my health. Laying in bed not being able to move earlier in the week. Made me feel grateful that this pain will pass. I felt a great appreciation for people who live in constant pain. So why do I punish my body by over eating. I have issues I really need to work out. Any who, it is Friday and I am so damn happy about it. I might wake up early tomorrow and get an oil change. I always go to the same place. It isn’t close to my house, but I trust these guys. They also don’t try to sell my shit when I asked for a simple oil change. Now all I need is five pm to show up quickly so I can make my exit.!!!!
I started taking the progesterone. I decided as soon as I received a positive test I was going to use up my prescription. My friend called it baby sticking glue. She had progesterone shots through her whole pregnancy. She had miscarriages in the past. Now she has a beautiful baby girl!!!
The problem with progesterone is my symptoms are out of control. I am so damn tired. I fell asleep in my car at lunch. I know I had to go back to work. I had to take ten more minutes. I had no energy.
I know I need to give up coffee. It is so hard to do. I will make it happen but it will be a painful experience.
When I was working with the reproductive center. They said one cup a day. I never followed that rule. I tried and tried. Now that the bun is in the oven I have to do it.
I went on an OBGYN search yesterday. It was so damn difficult. There are some baby hospitals in the Atlanta area. Northside hospital and Dekalb medical are the major ones. I wanted a doctor affiliated with Gwinnett Medical. I live in Gwinnett now. Being a single mother by choice I don’t want a hospital 40 min or more away. When there is one 5-10 mins away. After an hour and a half I found a doctor that uses that hospital. So I guess the first step is to confirm the pregnancy.
I told the woman I didn’t know what I was doing. She still wasn’t helpful. I had to pull all the information out of her. July 10th is my appointment to confirm the pregnancy. Then the end of July early August I will have an actual OBGYN appointment.
I am still taking pregnancy test. I want that line to get as dark as the test line. Praying for all to be great and perfect!!!
I couldn’t wait until five pm today. I was so mentally done with work. I have been eating again. I swear I need to stop. I been feeling twinges and my nipples have been hard. I don’t want to get to excited.
I do have a date with someone I met online. Something doesn’t feel right about this guy. We will see how it goes. I am not optimistic. I have been looking online for a sensitive pregnancy test. I know I should wait but patience is not my biggest strong suit. The work week has been stressful because I been disinterested in work.
I cried to a friend about my desire for babies. I feel so cursed sometimes. I know it irrational and I am very blessed. I want this more than anything I ever wanted in my life. I took a deep tour through my life. I haven’t had a desire and want so deep. It is hard to explain the need for motherhood. The switched was flipped and I am ready to open that door.
I am going to work on being positive and stop all my negative behaviors.
I have issues. I know I was not supposed to pee on a stick. I heard when the doctor told me not to. Did I listen. Of course not. I have taken three home pregnancy test. I have gotten a negative each time. The last being this morning. My sad face went to work. My blood test is tomorrow. I know that will tell me the real deal. She also said the trigger shot would give me a false positive. It did not I got a negative.
I don’t want to spend anymore money. I have everyone I can think of praying for me. I want it to happen so bad. I know I been having symptoms. If I am not pregnant I have no idea why my body is acting in such a way. I have been having these little pains in my belly area. My nipples have been so hard at times they can cut glass. My boobs have been very sensitive. I finally get to the two-week wait, and I am not doing well. I want to know the answer on Friday. Then I don’t want to know if it is a negative.
Here is where I have to be a big girl again. Being a grown up sucks!!!
Still in the two week wait. My friend asked me about my phantom symptoms If I am not pregnant I would be shocked. Not just because I want it so bad. My boobs have been tingling. I felt something in my lower region. Not what I would call menstrual pains. I am not a doctor.
I know I need to stay offline. Every symptom I am looking on-line to see if it is an early sign of pregnancy. I driving myself crazy. My father and I finally had a great discussion concerning me having babies. He admitted he told his friends I was trying to get pregnant. He is not allowed to say anything to the family. I am not really close to his side. I have one cousin I talk to. I already told her my plan. I don’t care if they know, but they don’t need to know.
My father telling his friends was the first glimpse that he has been hearing what I been saying. I had a feeling he was ignoring me.
I joined my food program again. My sponcer called me last night. We had a long talk and, I been fat and miserable. So when I get the news I want on Friday we will adjust my food plan for pregnancy.
I am so happy it is Friday. I been feeling like I haven’t been getting enough sleep. I am sleeping in tomorrow. My cousin is in town for the weekend. He stayed with me last night. He put together my desktop today. Not it isn’t hard but my lazy ass haven’t done it. I am going to acupuncture Hopefully will attempt my taxes. Get some rest and enjoy life.
You will not believe I won another 60 bucks on my scratch tickets. I didn’t scratch all the ones I bought. You know my gambling self reinvested. This is fun and risky and stupid at the same time I was in the store and a woman told me she won 10k not to long ago.
The one thing I can say about scratch off. You have just as much chance as anyone else. So Yes I have reinvested the money I have won. I am up to 460 bucks. But each time I have bought myself lunch. Kept 20 bucks out the deal. I haven’t contributed any additional money then what I won. Now I can’t say that when I usually purchase these things.
My co-worker told me I am on a winning streak and need to keep playing. I know he said that because he is just as addicted as I am. Granted I am not using bill money or savings to play. That is where I draw the line.
I met a new guy online. He seems interesting. Since I been online so long I don’t get caught up in it. I always keep hope alive. You truly never know. I am debating about taking soy is0flavones with my femara when I TTC. I haven’t decided yet. I am so trying to stack the deck. Acupuncture DHEA, COQ10, Dirt Tea, Soy Is0flavones. I am doing everything I can!!!
I got a double line on the Wondfo ovulation kit. The clear blue easy no happy face. I think the Wondfo is more sensitive.
Mr. Man is out-of-town until tomorrow. We will see if another attempt gets underway. I am not banking on it. On a brighter note I am going dancing with the girls tomorrow night. I feel fat and don’t really feel like it.
I do need to get out of the house. I want to go and dance and have fun. I been spending to many weekends running errands and not trying to have fun.
I had to pick another damn sperm donor. This is getting ridiculousness My third choice that is CMV – is not out of quarantine.
The bank I am using is small and less expensive as the rest. So I am calling to get the updates of inventory. There website clearly is not updated on a regular basis.
My right side has been spasming for about an hour. It is tingle more than a pain. It kind of feel electric. I am not sure if this my ovaries telling me it is working. Or some blow back from the HSG test. It isn’t painful as much as annoying.
It is Friday and I am happy. I am going to try to make it to acupuncture, try to do the baby dance,pay some bills aggressively, go dancing and do my taxes.
I am trying to accomplish a lot this weekend. Hopefully I am successful. I did scratch several of my lottery tickets. I won 30 bucks. Of course I reinvested Got to play to win.
The best laid plans. I wanted to have a washer and dryer when I moved in. I coordinated with the leasing agent to open the door for the delivery people. Well his ass isn’t in the office at the moment. Which pisses me off, since I confirmed this with him a few days ago.
Well whoever is there told the delivery people who I don’t have a signed lease. Which is total bullshit. My lease is in my purse. I have paid them all the money from Friday until the end of the month. Now they took a lunch break. I been calling every five minutes Not because I believe they will suddenly be there, but every time I think about it, I am dialing the number again.
Finally I got the manager on the phone. My lease does not start until Friday. She is willing to make an exception, and the young dude who told it will be okay is going to get in trouble. How about today is his day off. I am not feeling sorry for him. I had no idea I was doing anything wrong. I thought they do this all the time. I even called this fool two days ago to remind him. It is his damn day off. Clueless is all I can say. My friend who lives there said the staff is clueless. So I will tell her she is right!!
Now these people have me paranoid. I called my insurance company and tried to start my renters insurance pronto. They won’t start until 12:01 am. I can live with that. I pray for a smooth move on Friday. I need to breathe and let go and let god.
So the date I went on a little while ago. I thought I would text him. I wasn’t expecting much of a response because I felt he wasn’t interested. He actually did respond and said he had been busy. So we will see? I told him we could watch a movie at my place once it is together. I finally have a place to invite males over to.
I got two nice emails from two cute guys online today. Even though I take those things as a grain of salt. It is nice to hear you are gorgeous every now and again!!!
I have four days to get my stuff together. I started packing last night. It looks like I am only going to need two additional boxes. Am I ready for my own place? Yes!! I still hate the process of packing and moving.
I picked a mover and I hope I don’t get screwed but you never know. I am going to have to say a prayer and suck it up.
My roommate mom and I got in a argument on Friday. Thought I was going to be able to leave unscathed I guess that was not meant to happen. People usually assume I am soft and a punk because I am quiet and giving.
Well this woman and I went toe to toe and it was ugly. She started with a back-handed apology that I was not going to accept. You know I was wrong but you do X kind of crap. She also insinuated I was listening to her conversation. Lets just say I let her have it!!! I wished I could leave that day. Not because I am scared of her or anything. I just hate stressful environments. Well to my surprises she came back with a real apology. She said she was wrong no excuses. I have to say I was surprised and amazed. I thought hell just froze over. I accepted her apology and said a few things I had to get off my chest, Now all is good in the hood. Hopefully until Friday at least when I make my exist.
I went to my complex to see if they will let me see the apartment. No luck it isn’t cleaned yet. I did run into my old co-worker and her husband. The reason I picked the apartment. She looked great. She had lost 40 pounds which I was very impressed. We talked for a while and I went to buy a few things for my new place I will be calling home.
I am waiting for my credit union to get back to me about that loan. Today is president day so it will not be today.
This would be a great time for a scratch ticket win. 🙂
I have six of them. Which I decided will not be scratched until I am in my own place.
My mom is coming to visit. I am excited, she has only been here once in 12 years. This time we are going to do more. My aunt is already getting ready for her visit. Then I have to take time off for my cousin/Brother wedding. (Cousin/Brother=he is more like a brother. No Jerry Springer situation LOL)
I am praying I get pregnant on the first try. I am sure everyone has that prayer. But god has been on a roll with me. I know it is possible I also know myself. I am going to stack the deck with some Soy isoflavone with my clomid. That is if she gives me clomid. I have to wait to the doctor’s appt.
My roommate and I have been car pooling. Not a big deal we do work at the same place. It can suck when I have to work late. Other than that it has been going pretty well. Well Friday morning I woke up sick. I had been getting up all through the night. Back and forth to the bathroom.
In the morning I knocked on my roommate door to walk the dogs because I needed another 15 min of sleep. That was the under statement of the century. I ended up in the bathroom and it was coming out of both ends.
I still convinced myself I could go to work. It is month end. I needed to be there. With my promotion and so much to do. That was the wrong decision. My roommate was driving and I am in the passenger seat yelling in pain. I yelled go to CVS to get me some tums. She crossed four lanes of traffic to get to CVS. We were less than five min a ways from work. As she was in CVS, I am throwing up outside. She came back and said either you are going back home or the hospital.
With the 1000 dollar emergency room deductible I said take me home. It took me a day and half to get back to normal. I want to say I am so thankful to my roommate. I have been in similar situations all on my own and it sucked. Now I appreciate having someone around.
I gained 4.4 pounds. I can still fit my clothes even thought they are tight. I feel like a fat ass. Okay I know I am exaggerating it is four pounds. It isn’t fifty pounds. I feel like it is. You have to understand my obsession with my weight. I know it isn’t healthy but just have to be honest. Growing up obese and spending a big chunk of my adult life thin I can’t go back. I always will let it get to a certain point. Yes I been in this place before many times. So I created a plan with a few friends that is working so far. I am trying not to go back to my prior program that I know works. It is so much work. I want to do more work with myself then that program. I say that to say if I gain too much more weight I will be right back to that program.
I was Facebook stalking last night. Last night was I am pitiful and alone night. It happens from time to time. I am grateful it doesn’t happen to often. Things are actually good in my life at the moment. No complaints. A lot of fear!!!