Now I am sick !!

20140926_092423My mother was sick, The baby is getting over being sick. I guess it is my turn. I just want to sleep. A five month old that isn’t entirely possible.  I know people are against kids and electronics, but it has turned into a single mother best friend. I have her watching infant stimulation, leap-frog learning videos. It keeps her attention for about ten minutes. I have toys for her but she isn’t old enough to play by herself. When I need to wash dishes or anything else I try my best to entertain her.

I started looking for a job yesterday. My mother and aunt asked me what was the hurry. The hurry is I haven’t won the lottery yet, or independently wealthy. So I am need to make money. Plus I am apply for the jobs I am truly interested in. There were a few jobs for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. I am actually going for a lower level job. I don’t want a management job. I am not looking for the stress of management. I don’t want a bunch of overtime. I want to do my job the best I can and take my butt home. I don’t want any crazy job stress. I have enough stress in my life. I also have my plan if I win the lottery life. As I always stated my fantasy life is ten times greater than my reality. I guess that use to be true. Now thinking about it my baby Ava trumps my fantasies. It still would be nice to win the lottery!!!

It is starting to get cold in here. People do not turn on the heat early. I have my electric blanket on high. I hate being to cold or to hot. I haven’t had to much of a social life. Which to be honest since I have been on this baby journey for about three years. I haven’t had much of a social life. When I first moved to Atlanta I was party central. I know that was so long ago. I don’t want to be party central, but I still want to look good. Not like I gave up on life and interacting. I miss having a man interested in me. I have talked to my ex. We talked for a few days and I haven’t heard from him since. I know having a baby and leaving the state has finally put a nail in the restoration of our relationship. Which is actually a great thing. Even thought I wasted to many years with that on and off again relationship. I am glad I got my baby and not waited for him to marry my ass. I would have been dead and buried before that happened.

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Always something

Shake up at work. Long story I can’t really speak on. This is making me not to happy to be in management. When people are affected in a bad way I don’t want blood on my hands. It really isn’t my decision but it still sucks. I feel for people in the line of fire. There is nothing I can do. I need a job for now at least until child is born. I have to think about that.

I know my job hours and stress will be increasing greatly. I am the grateful to have a job category again. I know my long term plan is to not be in Georgia. Leaving on your own and being asked to leave when not prepared is a different thing. Also the pregnancy things makes it all very tricky. I know I have a fear of finding a job in Boston. It is a waste of time to worry about things you can’t control or might not happen. I don’t think I am worried more concerned. I have so much more on my plate right now to even think about that.

One day at a time. I can hear my father saying to me. I need to focus on today. All the work on my desk and not stress when the pile of work increases. I know I need to work on my resume. Another thing I need to put on my weekend list. Not that I need it right now, but I can always be prepared. Life is full of challenges.

Day by Day

I am trying to function everyday. I am so tired it is crazy. The nap I take in my car at lunch time feels like ten seconds instead of 45 min. I talked to a friend I met many years ago at a job. She offered to plan my baby-shower. To early for that but I was so thrilled. I planned hers with one of her friends years ago. I love this friend dearly. Even thought we do not talk much at all. She is married with two kids.

Even thought we do not speak often, I always felt she cared about me. I also care about her. She will talk to me about things going on in her life for advise. She respects my opinion. She can be to nice like myself. I told her I had to stop that nice shit for my own sanity.

First doctors appointment coming up. I am nervous. I don’t know what to expect. My old roommate offered her girlfriend to take me to doctor appointments. She said she would love to go. I hate asking people for things. I don’t know why I have always been that way. I am going to take her up on it when more time has passed. It would be nice to have someone share the experience with.

My mom expressed she wish she could go to the doctor’s with me. That would have been so nice. The issues of living so far away from home. Sometimes I regret that decision I made  to move years ago. Then I realized I had to live my life and experience all I have. I always have in the back of my mind what would have been different if I stayed in Boston.

My life hasn’t always been boring like it is. I was a party girl when I first got here. I had a lot of fun and stories of 2001 when I landed in Georgia. I will never have that crystal ball to see how things would have been different. Or that potion to rewind my age. I been watching to many movies. Someone told me a long time ago. Appreciate your life it isn’t a dress rehearsal you only get to do it once. That means a lot at this age. I really made steps to accomplish some dreams. I am not going to stop I am going to keep moving along.

Yesterday in the grocery store someone asked me when I am due. I do not look pregnant. I am just fat and my weight goes in my stomach when I am fat. I was asked the same question for many years being overweight. I thought she asked what I did. It ended in an awkward silence. Eventually  I know will have to answer that question. My feelings were hurt from the question. I know I am going to tackle this weight issue. Just not right now.

I am tired!!!

I have always been a night owl. It was so hard to get out of the bed this morning. I can’t wait until the weekend. I am sleeping in big time. I had one cup of coffee today. I am so proud of myself.  I talked to my mom about the positive test. She was shocked. Which is so funny because I have kept her in the loop. My father on the other hand is in the dark.

She said something that had me thinking. She said you are such a go-getter. You always go after and accomplish what you want. I asked for her to be more descriptive. I guess I never looked at my life that way. I have fought for the things I really wanted. Or god has paved the way for success. My cousin said something similar years ago. I always land on my feet.

I have been let go from two jobs. Not in the we are downsizing manner.  Escorted to the door. One by my own choice the other due to office politics and I was the losing candidate. Unemployment maxing out at 320.00 a week in Georgia. I didn’t wait long to find a job. I was probably on a mission the next day. When a full-time job didn’t show up I temp. I had bills to pay and no one else to help. 320 a week wasn’t going to do shit.

This job I am at now started as a temp job. Now I am in an office with a nice title. I never planned any of this. It just happened. Reality is stranger than fiction. Certain things you can plan other you just let happen. I told my family god had my back when I moved here. My uncle my he RIP told me I would be back. Like I would fail and be back home. Well I did not fail. I am plan to go back home on my own terms.

My aunt told me some people think I am coming home because I failed and I am struggling. I think people always want to think the worst about you. I am coming home for many reason. I don’t have any family here. A few cousins and I only talk to one. My parents are getting old. I haven’t visited much over the 13 years. I want to spend time with them. Be with them if they need me. Also with a child/children they are my village. It has nothing to do with failure or money. I could careless what people think.  That wouldn’t have been my first thought about anyone.

 

Random stuff

So I did my second day of couch to 5k. Still not graceful but better than the day before. I am going to the gym today to finish out the week. I am going to continue the same routine when I am out-of-town. I contacted my Donor and we are meeting up on Thursday. I have completely no idea when I ovulate these days. So I am trying to cover all bases. I am praying no happy face will show up when I am out-of-town. I am taking my sticks to test day and night. I am going to begin testing tonight which is actually day 8. When I do the insemination it will be day 9. Before I started the soy isoflavones I have been ovulating day 10. Last month I ovulate Day 14. I get back day it will be day 13 of my cycle. I am praying it all works in my favor timing wise.

Even thought it is a 20% chance or less every month. I would at least want to give it a real try. I did my soy at the time for better egg quality at this point. I just want it to happen. I also decided I am not going to stay in Georgia to long after my lease is up. If the baby is not made by January. Hopefully I will have lost the 50 pounds and will be Boston bound. It only makes sense to go back to Boston the way I left. Thin and confident. I am thinking about getting a night job when I get there. For various reason. I can go to school, and also work on getting pregnant during the day. I am sure it will pay less than what I am use to. As long as I can pay my bills, eat and save I can give a damn. It is time to live my life for my dreams and nothing else.

I was thinking a hotel assistant manager. I am going to keep an eye out. I also need to update my resume. That is going to be on my things to do list.

Memorial Day Weekend

I have to say my party days are over. I was asked to go a few places this weekend. I wasn’t really that interested. I am such an introvert. I really need to change that when my children get here. I don’t want them to be a shut in like me.  I will have to push beyond my personality traits and show them the world.

Do I have my twins in my belly. I am praying and hoping. I am long-suffering for my desire for children to be fulfilled. More than a I ever desired a man. If you would have met me years ago. I didn’t desire to be married.

My desire for a husband didn’t come to me until late in life. I was about 28 when I seriously considered being married. Before then I was marriage adverse. It wasn’t age that made me want a man’s last name. It was not being alone. Wanting my own family. Most of my friends had found their husband. I really should have paid attention to time passing. I have to say I was ignorant to my youth slipping away. I feel I made a mistake not moving to Boston. I do miss my family. No matter how crazy they are. They all expressed wanting me home in their own way. If money fell into my lap at this very moment. I would pack up and move in a matter of weeks.

I was almost on my way. I am in Georgia for a reason. I hope the reason is for my dreams to come true. I find out in a few days what my fate entails.

 

Winning!!!

Official logo.

 

I thought it was so funny when Charlie Sheen was going downhill he kept saying he was winning. Not funny he was going downhill. The delusion that things were great. In this since I am winning. I won another 115 bucks on my scratch tickets. So we are close to 400 bucks in a week and a half. Granted I have reinvested most of it each time I win. It does put a smile on my face when I win.

 

Now mama wants to win the big money. 🙂

 

I am waiting for the social worker to contact me with my instruction for this first IUI. I am trying to stay positive and optimistic. I don’t take disappointment well. I guess I need to work on that. My optimism needs to not go down that road. I haven’t tried yet to get pregnant yet.

 

I was supposed to stop reading about IUI on the internet. It keeps making me depressed. So many stories of no success. I will have success!!! That what I need to keep telling myself.

 

In a way I wish I started with home insemination. Even thought I am not the do it yourself type. I am spending all this money in Georgia. When I found a place in Boston to do it a lot cheaper. To bad I am not in Boston. I sometimes regret not moving. It is cold there and I hate the cold. The job was too good to pass up.

 

Everything happens for a reason. There is a reason I am still in this state. I need to stay focussed on my goals.

 

Baby project begins!

I will be at my first appointment for baby project tomorrow. 9am will be the beginning of this journey. Still very scared of the financial portion. I did see the amount I might have to pay for my blood work. My insurance company emails me the claims. It was 300 bucks. Yeah me!! I thought it would be a lot more than that. So we are starting off great.

Tomorrow appointment is going to be more than that. I know this is what I signed up for. I am still scared to death.

I am also coming to the clear realization I am in love with my ex. I always knew it in the back of my head. Just because you love someone does in no way mean they are good for you. All that remains to be seen with him. Also not my focus at the moment.

I didn’t go to acupuncture this weekend. Probably should have but didn’t feel like the drive and reporting the news I am not pregnant. I am going to head out there next weekend.

Yesterday I went to a friend’s house and had Nigerian food. It was great. I really like it. Shocking to me because I can be very picky. I do love West Indian food and it had some major similarities.

The ex did come over. We were supposed to go to dinner, but he was too late for that. He did take this big box to my car for Good Will. I am starting to see the issues of living on a third floor.  I did actually start putting my apartment together last night. Of course I got motivated after six pm.  Which left me well into the night putting stuff together. I still have a bunch of boxes all over the place.  Slowly it is coming together. I am glad I have a storage closet off my balcony. I am keeping all my boxes for later moving.

A good friend I haven’t talked to in a while called. I love hearing from her. She is one of the few people who came to visit me in Georgia. I really need to make it out to VA to see her. Not to mention I have family that live in the VA, DC area.  My mom ran into her mother recently. Her mom asked my mom about me coming home. My mom had to inform her that is on hold for a while. I ran my mouth so much about leaving, but not as much about staying. That is clear from all the people taking an interest of me being in Boston. I was planing to move last month. The major thing that sucks about GA compared to MA. MA has a mandate that the health insurance covers fertility. That would be so nice to have right now.

I decided it time to get back on point with my faith and working with the law. I am breaking out that book that was given to me years ago.  I need to find it. Working with the law. When I really got into it, I saw major positive things happen in my life. I believe they were happen all along, I wasn’t appreciating them.  It is time to get back on board.

I went to the gym yesterday and going today. I re committed myself to myfitnesspal. I am 210 pounds. Yes I am admitting that on my blog. I am six-foot tall, so I am not huge. I know I need to lose at least 30 pounds. That will all be on hold when I am pregnant. (Notice that I said when, Staying positive!!!). But for now, no junk and overeating. I clearly have a lot on my plate. Keeping hope alive!!!!

 

Aunt Flow nailed me!!

This clearly is not implantation bleeding. AF is here with a vengeance  I know it is crazy, but I still want to take the pregnancy test for good measure. Or to soothe my crazy brain.

Now my prayers are for the first insemination to work. The social worker told me via email the doctors is recommending the most expensive insemination. I really want to try the unmedicated with soy isoflavone.

I am really going to pray on that one.  I really have to think of my motives. I know I am cheap, but I really want to have a baby. So I should go with the doctor’s recommendation.

I am not sure if ex is excited or worried. At this point don’t really care. I need to work on my plan. I am going to pray I get pregnant the first go round of insemination with my twins.

I know everything is on gods time not mine. I guess I can go pick up that DHEA to begin taking it today. JOY, JOY, JOY more acne and other side effects.

I think I actually have a few bottles of it at home. I am going to check before I spend anymore money. It is saving time.

I know I make plans and god laugh. But my plan is to get pregnant and have the baby in Georgia. Then head to Boston after I get myself together and comfortable at home, look for a job.

We will see how it all plays out. The fear of not getting pregnant from the IUI is scary. I cannot afford IVF.

Here is to positive thinking!!!

 

Optimism

The concept is typically extended to include the attitude of hope for future conditions unfolding as optimal as well.

I really need to work on my optimism. I want to say thank you to a friend who gave me a different perspective yesterday. I could be pregnant now. Only god knows. I am not a religious person. I do believe in god.  My spiritual concepts took a long time to come together. I was an agnostic for a long time. I believed god existed. I really thought he did nothing for me. Like Santa Claus skipping my house. It wasn’t until my twenties when I realized a lot of good happened in my life that I did not appreciate. That is when my spiritual side started to unfold.

God has been working in my life for a long time. My concepts is more spiritual than religious. I can not quote any scriptures. I can tell you I believe totally god has my back.

When I moved to Georgia with nothing. My uncle told me I would be back. He insinuated I would fail and come running back home. That did not happen. I moved with my car pulling my stuff in a little U haul box behind my car. Other than to visit I haven’t been back yet.

As my friend reminded me, a year ago I didn’t think any of this would have been possible. My plan was to move to Boston. Find a job than work on having a baby.

Things started to work out.

I did a short sale on my house. It affected my credit, but not a lot. Thank God!!! I stayed with friends and paid off some bills. I received a promotion with a great financial increase. Nothing that could afford IVF, but enough to make me stay     in Georgia for a while.

I pray my baby dreams do not go un answered. I know optimism and lack of stress will carry me through. It is so hard not to worry. I wish I could switch that off. I am going to work on it!!!

I am going to karaoke tonight. No singing for me. I am a spectator. I sound great in the shower and in the car by myself. I could be Beyoncé.

In public I sound like a cat that should be put out of her misery. My friend claims she is going to get up there. We will see if I will follow. I am not seeing it right now!!!