LIMBO

English: Limbo, near Honeygeo

I don’t know what my future holds. They haven’t said anything else about the promotion as of yet. So that is on hold. Which puts baby making on hold. I been tracking my ovulation over the past few months. I should have gotten the double line today. I did not. I don’t need any more problems. I am hoping the double line shows up tomorrow.

I received a Christmas gift from my mom. It was nice to have a box to open. I guess I could have waited but I didn’t. So sweet of her. We are not really a Holiday family. Everyone asks why I don’t go home for the Holidays. First off it is cold. Second my mother has never been big on the Holidays.

I need to bring my ass home. I haven’t been home in almost two years. That was for a funereal.  I wasn’t in a rush to visit because I thought I would be living there permanently in a few months. If this promotion comes through and I take it I will have to plan a visit home.

I picked my top three choices of sperm donors. I saw on a website where a woman had a donor party. She posted the top three choices and let people put them in the order they would choose. I thought that was cute and emailed my friends and family the profile information to see what order they would pick. It went pretty well until one friend told me she wouldn’t use two of them at all. Which is fine I didn’t mind her opinion. But it sounded like she expected me to drop them from my choices based on her opinion. Ahh NO!! I know more about these men than any man I have ever slept with. One friend made me laugh. She said damn I wish he could be the father of my child.

I made my choices I was sharing. I guess I could have kept it to myself. Other than that one person I enjoyed what others had to say.

I choose based on intelligence, weight, essay, eye color. I was content with my choices. One of my donors doesn’t even have a picture. Some think that is strange but to me it wasn’t a big deal. Does a baby picture really tell you what they are going to look like as adults.

I have seen very cute kids turn into not so attractive adults. So it wasn’t a major thing for me.

I started online dating again. Well I guess I never stopped. I just put the location back to Georgia. I got a lot of emails. Seems like I am fresh meat LOL!! I am not looking for a relationship. Male company would be nice. I have my plans and I am moving forward. No interruptions !! It is all stemming on this job. If that doesn’t work out back to plan A and I am leaving the south for good.

Boring Sunday!!

I am home on a Sunday afternoon. I am doing absolutely nothing. I need to get a hobby. My roommates are at church. My roommate mom is upstairs. I am down in the living room watching a corny romantic comedy that I have seen before. The dogs are enjoying my company. Lucky them!!

I changed my profile back to Georgia. I might be optimistic. They haven’t offered me the job. Well corrections they have offered me the job they haven’t met my salary terms. I am not excited for a promotions or the extra responsibilities. I am looking forward to ttc with less financial stress.

I have to say I am a little disappointed that my move is delayed. I was looking forward to going back to Boston. Get back in with family and friends I left. I wasn’t looking forward to the cold and snow at all. New experiences was on my agenda of excitement. I guess I have to make that happen here. There has been some stress where I am living. I am not going to go into that in this blog. I am hoping it calms down and there is more peace.

With this  job comes a comfort level at the job. I know the politics and how the place works.  I wouldn’t be the new person having morning sickness and needing days off.

I started acupuncture again. I went on Friday. I told her I was beginning my fertility treatments soon. I was relaxed after the treatment. I actually felt my ovaries pounding. Hopefully they are getting prepared for baby making. I couldn’t have planned all this in my life. The twist and turns is not predictable at all. I am praying I get the job with the salary I want, and get pregnant quickly.

Make Plans and god laughs!!!

My plans might be changing with the move to Boston. I  hopefully find out shortly.

I have a new boss. My old boss quit. I really liked my old boss. She was efficient and really helped me elevate my skills. She also was a micro manager, known to yell, scream and swear.

I think I am going to love this Boss. He is so laid back and grateful for all I do. It is nice to be appreciated. Not to say my old boss didn’t appreciate me. The old saying good work gets you more work. She did show her appreciation in that way. She also expressed it to me. New Boss expressed it with gift cards. They are two very different people.

Well new boss asked me why I didn’t take the promotion. Which old boss was begging me to take. The main reason was I was planning to leave and move to Boston to start TTC. The other reason was the lack of compensation. They never settled on an amount or even gave me an offer. I could tell I was not going to be impressed.

I felt I am majorly underpaid and I knew how much the prior person in that position made. Which was a great deal more than I do. So what they did was lower the title and I am sure if they got an internal hire the pay would be nothing to write home about.

They would have to make major leaps for me to jump. When I inquired about the compensation after turning down the job four times, she said I should take it because I want it, not for the money. I think someone had me twisted. She didn’t get far with that at all, as you see I am still not in that position.  Not to mention old Boss was very demanding and I knew her requirements would be great. So I was not taking that job for less than I expected. They kept trying to convince me by the title. The title would help my career in the future. Clearly they don’t know me to well. I could careless about the title. PAY ME!!! SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!

Well new Boss asked my I didn’t take the position. He feels we work well together and I would be great in the position. At this point I have nothing to lose and I told him exactly why I didn’t take the position. I feel I am underpaid and they were not going to offer me what I wanted to take the job. He was the first one not to ask then why are you still here?

When I had complaints I got that answer. One lady was shocked when I  said maybe I should take that under advisement and find a new job. Her face was mortified like she just convinced one of the companies good employees to quit. She back tracked when I gave her that smart ass answer. Only a few know of my plans to move home. One of my co-workers figured it out. (Long Story). I have recruiters calling all the time. I am sick of my profession and also had plans to leave the state so that is why I am still here. Not the answer I give when asked!!

So my new plan is. If they give me what I want salary wise. I am staying in Georgia for a while longer. I discussed it with my roommates and they are fine with me staying. I will begin TTC in the state of Georgia. Have the baby here and move to Boston when I am on maternity leave. If the pay is not what I want I am out the door to Boston in February hopefully.

It is nice to be appreciated. I actually love that I am respected in this company. Even thought I am not paid. It is probably why I been here almost five years.  Five years might not seem like much, but my usually length at any company is two years. Either being let go or moving on myself.

So will I be TTC in GEORGIA or MASSACHUSETTS. My family is cool with the delay and wanted me to take the job without the major salary increase. Accept my aunt she told me don’t accept less.

Another monkey wrench in the situation. I won on my scratch ticket. It is a major ticket. I haven’t scratched the amount. I am going to wait until Christmas. My present to myself. If it is a big number I am on my way to Massachusetts working on TTC and my new career. Even with the job offer. I am out of here!!!

On a brighter note I got my mother a new refrigerator and dryer from Home Depot. My aunt (mom twin sister) went and looked at the choices I selected online in the store. I know I partially did it because I will be moving in and felt they needed to be purchased. I also like hearing my mother happy with her new appliances. She told me she bragged to her friends that I bought them for Christmas. I like knowing that my mom is happy and proud of me!!!  Happy Holidays!!!

A little stress!!

Don't Look Back (Boston album)

I finally got someone on the phone at my mortgage company that seemed confident in what they were telling me. When you are making life changing decisions you want the person to be confident. The other two customer service reps kept putting me hold. They sounded like as if they were guessing. Hopefully I can fax in everything by Friday the latest.

My family is still driving me a little crazy with the nervous questions. I have a feeling god is on my side with this one. So today I am not nervous. I am doing what I have to do. I wish I did it earlier.

This guy I met online, who knows when called last night. Actually he called several times. I had no idea who he was so I didn’t answer. You think if he wanted a response he would have left a message. No he just wasn’t that bright. So he proceeded to call me four times. He was already x out for that one. You don’t leave me a message and just call over and over again. That doesn’t sit right with me.

So when he finally gets me on the phone. I tell him I am not interested I am moving back home. The man acted devastated that I didn’t remember who the hell he was. Then the blow I wasn’t interested got him to begging. He asked if we could meet. I said for what I am leaving. You don’t want to meet me he whimpered. I said no I don’t want to meet you.

Jesus what kind of self-esteem train wrecks find my profile so attractive. He has never met me nor talk to me before. Why is my leaving the state of Georgia devastating this man. I finally got off the phone with the crazy.  I hurt his feelings. I have to say I really didn’t care. I guess that is cruel. It was clear the man had issues. Even if I wasn’t leaving I wouldn’t have been interested in him.

I am on a high because things are going very well. I hope it keeps up because I am flying high!!.

I change all my dating profiles to Massachusetts. Some cutie pies emailed me. Where their hell were they when I use to live there!!!

A Master Plan Finally!!!

Through my sickness and possible layoff a master plan emerged. For all of you who have been following my blog I have felt hopeless in my TTC journey. Finally a blink of light has opened up.

My upside down house I have always felt has been my biggest issue to my having a baby. Well I might have found a way to unload it. I should have listen when my cousin did this two years ago. I swear I have a hard head. She told me I should and if I had paid attention I would have been ahead of the game. I am going to start off with sorry cuz I will listen from now on.

A short sale might be my saving grace. I don’t know all the ends and outs. My neighbor and I will be meeting with another cousins friend who deals with real estate this weekend. Pray that this is the solution!! So the original plan was to rent my townhouse instead of waiting for a layoff. Then stay with some friends. Pay them rent money. Which they would appreciate being the are also held hostage by the economy.

I called my cousin friend/real estate person. He told me I would get a little over the mortgage to rent the place. I told him hell no it wouldn’t even cover his fee. I would be losing money. Then he mentioned a short sale. I was all ears. I am meeting him this weekend so he can go over any questions I have. He was out-of-town when I called.

I told my neighbor he is ready to jump on the bandwagon also. So we are both meeting him this weekend. The rest of the plan is to move in with a friend and save money. Also to send money home to do the needed work on my mother’s house. Yes at the end of this process I will be moving back to Massachusetts. My friends from home are happy. My friends from Georgia not so happy.

It is a hard choice but it must be made. The best part is my closest friend from home is a nurse. I forgot that because that is not what she does fulltime presently. She is a RN and she mentioned she could do my insemination for free at her house. I thought hot damn I hit pay dirt!!! I need to get of the modesty of her seeing the goods. Which she did see before when I was 13 showing me how to use a tampon. She is a hands on type of friends. 

 I know I need a doctor to sign off on the home deliver of sperm. Hopefully I can take care of that before I leave Georgia. Now this plan is months out but at least I feel like finally I can have what I want. Children!!!

I might do a few insemination before leaving Georgia. Not sure of the logistics. I know a lot is riding on this meeting this weekend. Pray for me!!! I really need it!!! Finally I have some hope!!

I hate being sick!!

This is the first time in three days I could get up without running to the bathroom. I thought it was stomach issues. I called the 24hr nurse line and it is the flu. Oh joy the flu. I called my mother whining at five o’clock in the morning telling her I wish she was here taking care of me. I know a big baby. I don’t get sick often at all. This flu has taken me down. I haven’t been to work in three days. My work ethic makes me feel so bad for missing work.

The fact that I almost passed out walking my dog. Having night sweats to the point of taking all my clothes off and turning on the AC. Also running to the bathroom for days. I am finally feeling better. I finally gotten enough energy to take a shower. I got a friend of mine to bring me some stuff from the grocery store today. I hate asking people for anything. Yesterday I went to the grocery store looking like a homeless person. Wandering the grocery store with a fever to buy diet ginger ale, just makes the singleness sting harder. Thank god for friends. I did call her yesterday. She didn’t call back. Which is not unusual for us.

I will be at work tomorrow at least 80% of the woman I use to be. This morning I don’t think they would have gotten 20%.

I have talked to my family and now I am not scared by the possible lay off. They got my back which is great to hear. My father even offered for me to move into his two bedroom apartment with his crazy cat that likes to piss on the furniture. I appreciate the thought but my mothers three bedroom house would be my first stop. She is rooting for me to get laid off so I can come home. I know it is a blessing to have a backup to not suffering in Georgia.

The house would be an issue. I would have to rent it. I know I would hate being a landlord. I will suck it up and get a property management company.

We will see what happens with my employment. At least I have no fears. Since fear has been a big part of my life. It is a welcoming change to be fearless. There are pros and cons to living in Massachusetts. I don’t even have a winter coat. My mother told me that is the lest of my worries. She is right it really is.

From a prior blog I did have a friend school me on couples. I know I seem jealous of every relationship. Well being single so long brings that out of me. I do not know what is going on in these couples lives. Personally or financially. So anyone being laid off can be dramatic. Especially when two incomes are needed to run their family. So sometimes I need to realize the grass is not always greener. It just looks that way sometimes.

Today I am happy I feeling better!!!

Excitment!!

No Joke!

I never want to get to excited. I hate being disappointed. It comes from a mother who made a lot of promises and wouldn’t follow through. She would tell me we are going to the park on Saturday. Saturday would come and she would be in the bed. Screaming leave her alone as a begged to go the park. I would be looking forward to it from the moment it left her lips. Then when she didn’t follow through I would scream over and over you promised and cry. So from childhood trauma I hate disappointment.

Well Doctor Dude said he will be showing up in Georgia to see me sometime soon. He will let me know in a few weeks. I am excited. I don’t want to be excited. If it falls through my disappointment will be great. I have talked to this man on and off for over three years.

My next issue is will I let him stay with me or not. I haven’t decided. I have let people stay with me I have known a lot less. I do not believe he is a serial killer. I have confirmed all the things he has told me about himself. I will wait until a plan is in place to make a decision.

I asked him when he going to make an honest dog of Mr. Shitty paints. He needs a daddy to call his own. Our little inside joke. He knows I want a baby. He is clear if I had money he would be put on the back burner to my baby dreams.

I met a new guy online yesterday. Met being we talked on the phone for the first time. It was a good convo, we will see what happens. I can’t wait until Friday. I need the weekend tor rest my mind. I am going bowling with the girls on Saturday. Woo hoo a social life!! Just what I needed. Something to make me feel less of a hermit!!

I will pass!!

The Dating Game

Image via Wikipedia

I have internet dated for a long time. It is embarrassing to admit how long. Especially, since I do not have a magically wedding from my dating experience. I have had a few relationships and many dates. I can’t say my experience is all bad.

The problem with the internet is so many choices and options. You can meet so many people. It also increases the number of crazy folks you run across.

There are a few things on an ad or when I talk to a man from online that will make me pass on him every time. I know they have no idea they are making these mistakes. Nor should they tailor their profiles for me. It might attract someone just not me.

1) The headline or in the ad has some reference to sex

2) They have sun glasses on in every picture

3) They have a bunch of women in the picture.

4)They have a bunch of guys in your picture. I have no idea whose profile it is.

Please take time to crop people out. I would think that is a basic.

5) Their shirt is off and are posing. I am not a big fan of those pictures.

6) He has a lot pictures of himself.

7) He is rude in his profile

8) If we get past the profile and talk. Sex brought up early in any conversation

9) Talks about himself the entire time

10) All comments are based on looks. No interest in finding out about my personality.

I have come across a lot of this. I have met some very nice men. The internet is so random. There are four people at my job that met their spouse online. I haven’t been that fortunate. I thought I did come close once. For me it is a great outlet because I am a homebody. I like doing things. It isn’t always the bars and the clubs. So meeting people can be a difficult task. When I was in Boston I met a lot of people on the train to work. Now living in Georgia all we do is drive.

Meeting the person for you can be random and just luck. My luck needs to improve!!

No longer a Risk taker

Boston Common (TV series)

Image via Wikipedia

I moved to Georgia with nothing. I had a 1997 Mazda 626 with a hitch on the back. Which had a small TV 19 inch, clothes and books. I was sick of Boston. I was sick of my family. I was sick of always running into people who knew the old me. The fat no self-esteem girl. I wanted different. I was sick of snow. I was sick of living at home.

I did not come to this conclusion on my own. I went to this big party around Christmas. I ran into this girl who stole my fake boyfriend when I was 16. Yes I was in love with this green-eyed boy who road the church van with me and my cousin.  I didn’t attend this church. I went to their outing they had on Friday nights.

I was in love with him. Well my version of staring and wishing and praying he would notice me. He noticed her and they had one of those quick teenage romances. I wouldn’t have cared, but she knew I was in love with him. So needless to stay I still had a grudge against the bitch. So when I ran into her at the party 9 years after she stole my fake boyfriend I wasn’t happy to see her. I should have been more mature I was 25.  I was also no longer the fat outcast. I was the tall thin and sexy new girl on the block. Oh well moving on.

She moved to Atlanta. She was in town visiting her mom. She was telling me all about it. I said that is nice and tried to get away from her. Then she said you should move their too. I said no I couldn’t do that. Not that I wanted to stay in Boston. I always wanted to leave. I tried to get my best friend to move with me several times. We always did a lot of talking and no moving.

Then the statement came out. I know she was being a bitch. The words stuck and hurt my soul. Well you are 25 and you live at home with your mother. You don’t want to be 30 living at home with your mother.

I went home that night thinking about that statement. I love my mother, but I didn’t want to live with her the rest of my life. A childhood friend who was a nomad since graduating high school. She moved state to state with ease. She said you will never be truly independent until you leave your home state.

I had no fear. I was leaving. When I decided I was on a mission. I got a second job to save money. I was leaving in exactly six months.  I quite my job, packed my stuff and was off. My cousin took the drive with me to my new home state. My mother cried. My uncle told me I wouldn’t make it and would be back. I told him god had my back and I truly believed it.

I slept on a sleep sofa at my cousins house in my new state. I got a job in about two months. Then I moved into an apartment with a guy I known for three weeks. Yes that is right  I hadn’t even known him a month. We met on the train and I was smitten. I didn’t move in with him because of that. I was trying to get the hell out of my cousin house. The situation had run its course. I was about to be homeless if I didn’t make a move.

The guy and I lasted a total of three months. I kicked him out and I have been on my own ever since.  How about him and I are still friends. I talked to him a few weeks ago.

Eleven years several jobs a house purchase a dog addition. I am still here, still kicking.

That was the biggest risk of my life. I took that risk with ease. I want to know where is that girl. I want her back. I need to find the old me and breathe life into her. I knew no obstacles. I miss her.

Vacation Days!!

I have a few days of vacation. My friend made it through her surgery. Even thought it was a basic surgery you never know. I will be picking her up from the hospital tomorrow. I made use of my day off. I got the emission and paid my registration for 2012. I will never understand why Georgia does that mess on your birthday.

A reminder I did not want. My birthday is on its way. 37 is a number I am not looking forward to. I am grateful to be alive. I just thought I would have a family by now. That makes me very sad. Still money and lack of man are the factors keeping me from the dream of my own family.

Well I am glad I made it another year. I know many people who didn’t make it this far. Facebook keeps me abreast of all the death of my generation. Especially a guy I knew since the eight grade. He was my cousin best friend. He died at 34 and left behind two kids.

So I know I need to be grateful. I don’t know how to balanced being pissed off for my lack of family. Another thing to do, balance Bitterness with blessings.

Well on my next few days off I will accomplish a few things. Mr. Shitty paints is getting a haircut. My dog is looking raged. He doesn’t mind, but I do. I take care of my dog, even thought he doesn’t looks like it at the moment.

I think I might make it to the nail shop and get a mani, pedi and eyebrows. I haven’t splurged on myself in a while. I usually don’t go in the winter. Who is going to see my feet?

I need to do something nice for myself. Maybe that will put me in a better mood. Then I am hitting Redbox and playing my Sims and hanging out.

Doctor dude has been consistent with his calls. Half the time he is falling asleep on the phone. I still appreciate his efforts. Even thought we are on different coast. We will see how it goes. I am trying my best to keep hope alive.