Baby Project #38

Jerry springer logos

 

Nothing to report. I am still waiting to test. I am going to take my first test tomorrow morning. It will be two weeks from the happy face. I need to know if I am truly having symptom. Or is my mind play tricks on me.

 

A co-worker told me I should put some make up on and go to the sports bar. I told him I don’t drink or like sports. Why everyone feels I need a man??

 

If you follow my blog you will remember the past co-worker, I was talking to in a dating manner. We actually never went anywhere. We talked on the phone for a week before the shit hit the fan.

 

Another co-worker (a very trashy one) said that she was dating this guy. I don’t know if I believed they were dating. I did believe there was something going on. I confronted this guy, stating my life cannot be an episode of Jerry Springer. He was very cavalier about it and then did not speak to me for two years. I was pissed and ignored his ass also. He did apologize for his actions in so many word (TWO YEARS LATER). Swearing he didn’t date her.

 

He no longer works at my job. The reason for this story. His friend informed me that he didn’t date the girl. She just serviced him in the work parking lot and he dismissed her. Wow such an asshole. I am glad I dodged that bullet.

 

God spared me from that foolishness. I also think using a her as his personal hook up and then getting rid of her makes him a jerk. The girl clearly had issues and really like him. He just used her. I feel sorry for her because men can be so cruel!!. They know when a woman has low self-esteem. They use their weakness against them and throw them out with the trash. What goes around comes around. I am sure he will get it back ten fold!!

 

Baby Project #26

Today was my second insemination. I have been on a good plain. I had four follicles that did release by the second insemination. The doctor seemed confident which is a great feat for this doctor. She has never been overly optimistic.

1) She told me to get an OBGYN and make an appointment for 10 weeks. (Just in Case)

2) She is willing to do forth insemination instead of three. Granted I don’t know if I can afford four. But the fact that she is optimistic of achieving pregnancy makes me happy.

3) She wants to try Clomid if I want to do Three insemination. If I want to do four then she will do the letrozole for the third do to my good response.

All these this things are optimistic conversation.

I took her suggestion and went to the hypnotherapy which I really enjoyed the appointment. If I could afford it, I would go once a week. I can’t afford that at all. ūüôā The appointment was positive. I loved that she listen to me. She would say babies because she knows I want twins. She also got me started on my Laws of Attraction mission I was on.

She had a plaque on her desk that said IF YOU CAN DREAM IT YOU CAN HAVE IT!!! I am ready for my dreams to come true.

Doctor dude dropped out of sight again. Which I am a little pissed about. I agreed to go to this bridal shower to meet his ass. Well My aunt bought the ticket and I will try to enjoy myself regardless.

The ex contacted me again. I swear I know this man so well. I asked him what the hell does he want from me? He claims nothing. I told him that is a lie or he could finally cut ties and not get in contact with me again.

He asked me if I didn’t love him anymore. I told him I couldn’t say that because I am not an untruth. Then he said do I want him never to contact me again. Now that I can say yes. You are no good for me. Then he asked if we could be a friend. I told him he doesn’t deserve my friendship. Which all I been through with him, he isn’t any kind of friend.

I was a little upset with the conversation. I didn’t let it linger, and moved on to I am living my dreams. I am working on my vision board again. I am working on my life and what I can dream I can have. That is a new lease on life.

 

Optimism

The concept is typically extended to include the attitude of hope for future conditions unfolding as optimal as well.

I really need to work on my optimism. I want to say thank you to a friend who gave me a different perspective yesterday. I could be pregnant now. Only god knows. I am not a religious¬†person. I do believe in god. ¬†My spiritual concepts took a long time to come together. I was an agnostic for a long time. I believed god existed. I really thought he did nothing for me. Like Santa Claus skipping my house. It wasn’t until my twenties when I realized a lot of good happened in my life that I did not appreciate. That is when my spiritual side started to unfold.

God has been working in my life for a long time. My concepts is more spiritual than religious. I can not quote any scriptures. I can tell you I believe totally god has my back.

When I moved to Georgia with nothing. My uncle told me I would be back. He insinuated I would fail and come running back home. That did not happen. I moved with my car pulling my stuff in a little¬†U haul¬†box behind my car. Other than to visit I haven’t been back yet.

As my friend reminded me, a year ago I didn’t think any of this would have been¬†possible. My plan was to move to Boston. Find a job than work on having a baby.

Things started to work out.

I did a short sale on my house. It affected my credit, but not a lot. Thank God!!! I stayed with friends and paid off some bills. I received a promotion with a great financial increase. Nothing that could afford IVF, but enough to make me stay     in Georgia for a while.

I pray my baby dreams do not go un answered. I know optimism and lack of stress will carry me through. It is so hard not to worry. I wish I could switch that off. I am going to work on it!!!

I am going to karaoke tonight. No singing for me. I am a spectator. I sound great in the shower and in the car by myself. I could be Beyoncé.

In public I sound like a cat that should be put out of her misery. My friend claims she is going to get up there. We will see if I will follow. I am not seeing it right now!!!

 

God in Devil out!

This is what I have been saying to myself for days. Every time¬†a negative thought enters my head. I am not religious. I do believe in god. I did ask my preacher friend how does he pray. I wanted to give my prayers a little extra something. A few days late he asked me if I was reading the bible. I told him no. He said that is like having the peanut butter without the Jelly. LOL. Okay I am not gong to lie to him. So I told him it isn’t going to be something I am going to commit too.

Well God in Devil out came from my mothers lecturing me. I called her depressed and upset as usual. My life, no man, no baby, short sale taking forever blah blah. She starts her lecture of course. That is the devil talking. You need to talk to god. It is funny when I asked for a sibling she said the same thing, ask god for it. Which would have never been answered because my mother had an IUD. But she told me to ask god for it. Interesting!!! I guess that what she did to shut up an eight year old.

I do believe my negative thinking can bring negative into my life. So god in devil out is a quick way to get that negative thought out of my brain. It has been working so far. Not perfect but making progress. Sometimes I don’t even know when I am being negative, sad to say. I was talking to a friend on my way to work. I said it is going to be a hellish work day. She said there you go negative again. Wow I didn’t even know I was doing it. Clearly I have a lot of work to do on this.

I need to work on my next blessing entry. I have it in my head. Hopefully I will get to it this week. Well on a good note. I lost two pounds. I know it doesn’t sound like much. Since I have been messing up for a while it sounds great to me. I have doing great with my food for eight days and counting. I also started my P90x¬†again. I have to say I am not whole heartedly¬†doing P90x. I have to pleaded with myself to do it. But so far so good.

God in Devil out. God=good thought, future progress, living my dreams. Devil=negative thought, depression, nothing good happens especially my dreams.

Blessing 1!!

Fire Burning

This blessing I was told later in life. When I could appreciate the ramification of what happened.

My father is a recovering alcoholic. He did not get into AA until I was about six years old. I was told the alcohol is what broke up my parents marriage. My father was a functioning alcoholic. The kind that kept a job and paid the bills. So after my parents split my mom would drop me off at my dads.

I was about four or five and my mom dropped me off to my dads. He would send me to the refrigerator to get him beers. He said I was excited like I was doing something special. Well on this particular day he passed out from all the drinking.

The house we were in caught on fire. Not our apartment but an apartment in this house. If you know anything about the houses in MA you can have three apartments in one house. In any case one of the apartments caught on fire. One of my fathers neighbors in this house knew we were in the apartment. The firemen got us out of a burning building. When they entered my father was passed out.

My mom came the next day and saw this house burned up. She told my father he would never see me again until he got himself together.

My life was spared that day. Blessing #1

No my father has over 30 years in AA. Thank god I am very proud of him!!

Faith!

Blind Faith (film)

I will begin with I did not grow up in church. I might have went to sunday school and handful of times. I have visited many churches. Usually because I was invited by someone. I have found many pastors moving. I have yet to make a commitment to any church.

For me I accepted god loves me the way I am. I believe pastors are human. I love listening to a pastor that motivates you to get through the week. But when I feel like they are all-knowing and can tell you what god said verbatim that is when they lose me.

For a long time I thought god was like Santa Claus, But he skipped my house when I was growing up. Long story.

Over the years I got very spiritual which is also a long story. I had blind faith. I was fearless and ready for any challenge. I was moving to GA with nothing. No job, a couch to sleep on and a car. My uncle told me I would be back. He had no faith I would succeed. I would be back home with my tail between my legs. I told him god had my back.

Fast forward 12 years later. I have to say my blessing have come in many shapes and forms. It is so easy to remember the bad things. I need my faith back. I decided I wasn’t going to think about the short sale¬†any more yesterday. I needed a break from worrying. I have to work on a letter for the short sale. I am going to start it today or tomorrow. I can’t predict the future all I can do is the next right thing.

I am going to try to document all my blessing. They so easily forgotten. So the next series of blogging will be my blessing. I will have them in black and white.

I am going to lose these 30 pounds

Barbie vintage booklet about how to lose wieght

My weight has been an issue my whole life. In my adulthood I am 100 pounds smaller than I was in my adolescence . 30 pounds might not be a big deal. The problem is I have an addiction to food. Long story short. I use it for comfort. I use it when I feel my life isn’t going according to plan. Which has been a lot lately. I will admit I use it for every damn thing. Happy, Mad, Sad, Glad. It is my defense mechanism. I do have a program to work on these issues. Which is all I can really say. (long story)

Tomorrow is the day I give up caffeine. Once that is done I will have no mood altering drugs in my life. Smoking was given up last year. I can barely believe it has been over a year since I took a puff.

I am in a tight size 10. When I say tight my pants leave marks. I am doing better because I was in a 12 not that long ago. Which I had sparingly in my closet. I have a closet full of 8. Did I mention my highest size was a 22. So I tend to think what the hell am I bitching about.

Well I want to be the best me I can be. So I need to get off my ass and exercise. I have a gym membership I haven’t used in almost six months. The only reason I am not that upset is due to the price being ten bucks a month. I have spent a lot more on a gym¬† memberships that I have never used. Since I never focused on exercise in my weight loss. Just a life style change of what I put in my mouth. I will have to say I am more flabby than tone. It isn’t a crazy amount of flab. Enough flab I am not happy about it.

I need to get myself in a good place. I don’t know how I am going to do that. It is on my mind daily. Will I not be happy until I achieve pregnancy? I need to be happy every day. Recently it has been hard. I am not a patient person at all. I am ready for my life change.

I look at myself and think I did a lot but, still not enough for my standards. The funny thing is I thought I had an endless amount of time to conquer my dreams. So being lazy for countless weekends went Unnoticed. I only feel a sense of urgency when someone dies. Especially when someone dies young. Then I start getting on the ball with the to do list of crap that has sat on my computer, or in a corner for countless days, months or even years.

God grant me motivation!!! God help me to be happy on a daily basis. God help appreciate my blessing and stop looking in others closets. If prayer works which I do  believe. I need these things!!

Life is moving!

Another uneventful Saturday. I am going to make myself busy when I get to Boston.

I had an email battle with a kind of family member. I known her since birth. Our mothers were friends. She has made no effort to keep in touch with me. We are talking no contact for about 3-5 years.¬†¬†Once I realized I was doing all the calling I stopped. With me moving back home I called her to extend the olive branch. I called twice and a month passed and no return call. I would have let it go if she didn’t answer the phone for my mother.

I know the relationship is over but my feelings were hurt. I sent her an email expressing how I felt. I got a reply of a laundry list of all the bad things that are going on in her life. Like I was this insensitive asshole. How the hell would I know what was going on. I guess I am physic. Plus there are so many ways to get in touch with people these days. I thought her lack of response was B.S. She could have sent a text, I got your message I am going through a lot and will get back to you or something.

I am done with it. I am trying not to let it bother me to much. I am letting go of all relationships that are not reciprocal. I tend to hang on to people. I will no longer let them fill up space in my head. Any relationship is a two-way street. I am not going to be the only participant.

Other than that I have been having back pain on and off. The acupunturist had me feeling no pain on Friday. Now it is back a little. I am going to make an appt with the doctors. I hate going to the doctors. I guess that is what I pay this high price insurance for.

I think I am in love with a sperm donor. I know it sounds crazy. I was reading what he wrote and I loved it so much. He is artsy like me and has a passion for writing. I guess my thoughts was if I met this man would I date him because we have things in common. The answer would be yes from how he expressed himself. Hopefully he is still available when I am ready.

So lazy!!

Back cover of Barbie booklet about how to lose...

I need to exercise. I heard the endorphins make you feel better. Every attempt I make to exercise I lose interest before that happens. I use to be the fat kid no one picked in gym. My mother is an exercise fanatic. Why couldn’t I inherited that from her. No I get the fat gene that the rest of her family happens to have.

It does suck growing up when you are fat and your mom is skinny. My mother and I are presently around the same weight. She is trying to lose weight¬†and so I am. I wouldn’t call us fat. My mom is 5’11 and I am six feet. I wear a 10/12 and my mom wears a 12. She does have a better body than I do with me being lazy and her working out.

I also need to start going through all my crap in my house. I have been there nine years. I know it will be horrific if I have to rush and do it. Now that I know this house thing is going to take some time I need to get to it. Yet I have no motivation. God help me with my laziness please!!

I know I am giving away my dog. Every time I look in his little face I want to cry. It has to be done. He will have a better life with a back yard and stay at home mommy. The woman who wants him pretty much works from home. I know ¬†my doggie will hate Boston¬†and it’s weather. He is a high maintenance¬†dog. He likes things like central air and grass. Things that do not exist where I am going!!

I need to push through this and do what I need to do. It just seems so hard!!

Bump in the road!!

Moving Day (book)

I should have known life is never that easy. There is a bump with the short sale. It might take a little longer than expected. It is what it is. I am still all in to make this happen. I know nothing in my life ever runs smooth. It isn’t the end of the world. I have to be a big girl once again!!

My goal is to get back to Massachusetts and have my babies. God is working for me clearly. I asked for a solution and here it is. I know I have to work for anything worth having.

When my mind is focussed I want it yesterday. I have no patience what so ever. It is getting worse with age. When I get back home there will be a part of me that feels free. Free to fall and have someone to catch me. My mother is more supportive of me now then she has ever been. Everything happens for a reason. Growing up I never felt too much support from either of my parents. I felt all my success were despite my parents and not because of them. My grandmother was the one I gave all the praise for me getting far in life.

It seems that god knew what he was doing. My mother and father are very supportive now. My grandmother has long since been in the grave. I want to be a mother. I know I will need them for a lot. Not financial at all. I am in a better position than both of them. They are both retired and on fixed incomes. Emotionally they are there for first time. I thank god for my parents.

My aunt and I are also very close.¬†My aunt and I argue like mother and daughter. She is my mothers twin. It is like having two crazy mother’s. I do love her and appreciate her in my life. Even thought when we argue it seems that I don’t. ¬†Things are working out in his time not mine. I am glad I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Update on Doctor Dude. I haven’t heard from him in over a week. I been so busy with my life I just noticed that last night. I have no feelings about it. I am going forward with my dreams.

So I changed all my dating profiles to Massachusetts. Even thought it could be 8 months or more away from me moving. Well I got a lashing from a guy saying he would be wasting his time talking to me. With me being in another state did I think a man would wait that long. I was shocked. I guess I wasted his¬†ten minutes of chatting with me on IM. I apologized and updated my profile with my circumstances. I don’t want to hear that crap again.

My mind is in Massachusetts. It is a work in progress to get out of here. I didn’t move here randomly with out a plan. I am not leaving without one either!!!