Death Bothering me!!

When I went to the wake of a young mother. I consider 47 young. I can’t get her out of my mind. A friend since the third grade. We will call her Jessica. I met her when I was eight and she was nine. We weren’t always very close. We have gotten very close in our old age. I talk to her a few times a week.

We are both dealing with autistic children. She is very easy going and I love that about her personality. Knowing this her brother was always there. He is two years older and we all went to the same school.

Her brother and his friend had jokes for my weight issues. Which use to drive me crazy. The main asshole which was her brother friend died many years ago of a drug overdose. When I heard that I thought damn no one knows what is going to happen in life.

So I see Jessica brother and his family at Jessica children birthday parties. I just saw his wife a few months back. She wasn’t’ looking good at all. He told me she was dying. How do you deal with that information??

When she died I couldn’t get her out of my mind. I couldn’t get him and his child out of my mind. I remember having a crush on him and another friends brother. Neither ever looked at me twice.

My friend said she would mind being her sister-in-law. I thought was so sweet. My life doesn’t fit together that easily. Her brother has a lot of healing going on. How he is going to deal with life as a single father. I pray for him and his new journey. My heart is heavy for his loss. I gave him a long strong hug when I was at the wake. She looked good in the casket. Not the sick woman I saw a few months ago. I pray she is in a painless place of peace. Watching over her son from above. She left him way to early.


Death is Hard

It happens in three. I am not looking forward to hearing who the next person will be. My mother close friend of 40 years has died. He would do anything for my mom. He had a very difficult life. Alcohol and drugs. His wife finally puts him out and it went downhill from there. He had a lot of medical problems. He really didn’t have a home and was jumping place to place.

He died on a bus. He had a heart attack. I feel sorry for him and my mom for losing a very good friend. Shortly after I hear about his death. My good friend’s sister-in-law died. She was young in her 40’s. Leaving behind a young child. Her husband my close friend’s brother has been through a lot with his wife illness. This didn’t just happen she has been going through it for several years now. He is such a good guy. That is a guy I want dammit. The one who will be there for all the bullshit life throws at you.

We all went to High School together. He is a few years older. I did have a little crush on him back in the day. I see him at my friend’s events for her kids. I just saw his wife at the last birthday party event. She was in rough shape and I spoke as usual not drawing attention to what was clearly obvious.

Nothing is promised. Even our lives. I need to appreciate all my blessing. I have a lot of them that sometimes I feel I don’t keep in the front of my mind. My daughter needs me. I need to thank God every day I am here for her.

That woman son needed her. Now she for whatever twist of fate will not be there for him. #AppreciateLIFE!!!

Boston Blizzard Bullshit

All this snow is some major bullshit. I can’t believe I moved home and my first winter is this crazy. I am so thankful my mother has a snow blower. Even though I am not a fan of manual labor. It would have been ten times worst without that machine. I also know what ever car I get from this point on will have four-wheel drive. I need it for just in case.

My aunt didn’t get her car out last storm. Now this one the guy she called said he couldn’t help, because the last storm snow would have been ice. The guy she use to use would use a shovel. No one is moving this shit with a shovel if they can help it. Well that guy was sick and in the hospital so he wasn’t even an option.

She yelled at me on the phone and I was just trying to help. I called her son pissed off and told him about his mother. I told him to call her right now. She is too old to be out there shovel. What did I think he would do from Virginia. Not sure I wanted him to be on my side and put her butt into action to find someone on the phone.

Well he got to texting his friends. One of his friends was going to come over in the morning and dig her out with a shovel. Then another friend had a company he used. Well she ended up using the company. They came over did everything for 60 bucks. She said they were professional and nice. All this from her getting an attitude with me. Me bitching to her son. Her son getting into action in another state. God works in mysterious ways. I know the next time I get to a ATM I am getting some money to leave in the house. Just in case we ever need to use them. I told my mother to call them and ask if I can put their information on Facebook. I know other people could use their services.

I picked the worst time to start a job. We will see what happens on Tuesday. I am hoping the driving situation is a whole lot better. God thank you for your helping hand today!!! Shit I need to say thanks a whole lot more often than I do!!!

Depression Reversal

I have finally admitted to myself and others my depresssion. I yelled at my aunt because when I use the word depressed to my family members they sweep it under the rug. Don’t they know people kill themselves. Granted I am not at that point. The point is depression is a serious issues. The problem is my family are a bunch of very selfish people. When they have a problem they want you devastated and listen to their every concern. When you have a problem you are just being dramatic and it really isn’t that bad. Or others are going through the same thing. Or be grateful because you are so blessed. Yes all these answers might be true but they do nothing for depression. It just makes me think they don’t give a shit unless it affects them in some way.

I am thirty pounds from my ideal weight which bugs the hell out of me. Granted I  was over a hundred pounds away. That was in my twenties which was so damn long ago. I am discontent with life. No drug can cure that issue. I was thinking of going to the doctor and getting an anti-depressant. I have had these issues of depression since I was a teenager. I have always been told my issues have never warranted medication. That is a true blessing. Doping me up isn’t going to magically change my life.

Allot of my issues is a  feeling life is so unfair. Granted no one told me it would ever be fair. Also there are many others who would love my life. I even had a friend tell me how she envied my life of freedom. Lately it hasn’t felt that free due to the bondage of my mind. I know everything can always be worse. I am looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.

The tunnel of work coming home to a dog and no children to open Christmas presents. I have been recommend to stop focussing on what I don’t have and focus on what I do. This is a challenge I am working on starting today.For the next three months I am not worry about a baby or a man. Or lack of money to have the baby on my own right now. I am focussing on what I do have and my physical, mental and spiritual health.

I am blessed to have my family. They drive me crazy but I am blessed they are here and healthy. I am blessed to have great friends to call me on my shit. I am blessed that I am healthy. You cannot buy health so I am going to try an appreciate it every day. I am blessed I can pay my bills and I am not homeless or struggling. There are so many people suffering I need to appreciate that I am not. I appreciate that my job is not that stressful. I like the people I work with. That is saying allot. I have had five jobs and two temp jobs in eleven years. It is nice to feel ok about going to work.

I have been so focussed on the negative the positive seems impossible to find. I need to improve my attitude and I know things will change.