I just left my OBGYN appointment. I have gained 12 pounds in these four months. Not good at all. I wanted to tell her my weight issues have been going on since childhood. 12 pound isn’t shit to what I can pack on. I feel so bad. I know I been making a lot of bad food choices. It was so easy to do. I restricted myself for years and went hog-wild. She told me what to eat, which was so amusing to me. Not her telling me a diet. The diet was so close to when I was a size 8-10 and not my size 16. I need to stop the crap and get on board.
I asked my aunt who is presently lost 100+ pounds, what jump started her weight loss. My aunt and I have always fought the battle of weight. She is the one got me in my first 12 step program for food. Which I agreed to because she wouldn’t give me anymore money for weight watchers.
She said her son was waiting for a call that she died. I thought oh damn that is deep. She was crying when she told me this. I said I am sorry I didn’t mean to make you cry. She got herself together and started making a change in her life. She said you feel so much better when you eat right. She is right you really do. I remember those feelings. I don’t have them at this moment, but I do remember them. I called my old roommate to come over. I am donating all my bad food to their house. I just can’t bring myself to throw food in the trash!! That is my grandmother in me about wasting food. My grandmother was also very overweight.
I need to do better for me and my child. I want to be the good me. Not the fat miserable me. So I need to make this change not just for the pregnancy but for my life.
I am excited and nervous. I finally took out the calendar and counted. I am having symptoms of aunt flow paying me a visit. But shit those can be pregnancy symptoms also. I haven’t taken a test. I want to delay my stress and be accepting of what comes my way. If my period come I will just try again. This could be the month. I never discount I could have a probably success. I just can’t take another positive to get another negative. Losing these pregnancy early are really hurting my feelings. I would rather not know I had a positive at all.
I didn’t do much this weekend. With my back being out I gained all the damn weight I lost less one pound. Lucky me!!!. So I started working on my diet again. So far so good. No cream in my coffee this morning. I weighted and measured my breakfast and lunch. I even weight out my salad dressing. Shit when is the last time I did that. Yeah when my ass was skinny. I have to say I been in a happy mood lately. A little negativity over the weekend, but all is well. I am working on me. I wrote down what I was going to eat today. I also wrote two things I need to complete today.
I am feeling cramps. I am so praying aunt flow skips me this month. Let me have this dammit. Here is to dealing with life on life’s terms.
My therapist gave me homework. I haven’t really had homework since I took a online class. Which was for personal growth more than anything else. That had to be over five years ago. I really need to start giving myself homework and maybe more thing can get accomplished. I was in a group for weight loss. It is anonymous so I am really not allowed to say much about it. My therapist said so many thing that the group preaches. I left the group for personal reason. I might go back, but not ready at this point. I have been upset with the outcome of my life. I felt a lot better when she told me I am not original for thinking that way. Thank you GOD!! I don’t want to be a lone loser complaining. My life is blessed in many ways. I know but why am I not appreciating that. She said in our society we all want instant gratification. She got that right. When I want something, I want it yesterday. Like someone was reading my thought and had it waiting for me on instant demand. So my homework is to buy a gratitude journal book. If I can find it online where I can print, is fine also. My past group had this thing of writing down a gratitude list. So I knew she wasn’t full of crap. There is something to appreciating your blessing in life. If you don’t know I am addicted to the SIMS computer game. Yesterday I was watching a Lets Play on YouTube. This girl video had a tremendous about of views. She clearly have been doing this on YouTube for a long time. I started to read the comments and I realized this girl was dead. People were leaving their condolences. I looked her up and she died after surgery in a hospital. She was only 25 years old. I don’t know this girl. I have only seen a few of her video’s. It hit me hard that she was dead. I am 38 years old. I can’t imagine if my life was over 13 years ago. All the good, bad, and other I have experience in the past 13 years. No my life wasn’t fantasy land. But it was my life and I got to live it. Learning of some stranger to me dying randomly at 25 really put me in my place. Now the question is what the hell am I going to do about it. The first one I am going to work on is to STOP BITCHING. If I say it I own it. Calling myself fat doesn’t help me lose weight. It makes me look in the mirror get more miserable and eat more. Not having a husband or children does not make me less than. You think I would have figured that out by now. Call me slow!!! My therapist said live in the now, She even mention a book about that. I heard someone say the past is gone the future hasn’t happened all I have is the now. All these words of wisdom that I don’t pay any damn attention to when I want to be pitiful. When my life didn’t play out like that bitch Cinderella. What makes me feel my life is less than. Because I tell myself that with all those damn comparisons to other people. I asked my therapist does anyone have a great life. She said only if they feel it in there inner most self. Even people with money can’t buy happiness. That is so true. I have this dream and fantasy of having a lot of money. There are a lot of rich miserable people. You don’t have to go far to see that. There are a lot thin miserable people. There are a lot of married miserable people. My misery is so self-created. I am coming to that conclusion. My therapist looked in my face and said if you are living in this moment right now. What do you have to complain about. I told her absolutely nothing. I have my health and all my basic needs are met. This is not going to be an easy thing for me. I have been self-deprecating most of my life. But for today I am going to work on my own personal happiness. Thinking about what I have instead of dwelling on what I don’t have. Loving who I am as a person and how I treat others. Taking care of myself and not putting things in my body to do it harm. Why is one day of loving myself so hard??????
I got paid today and more than half of my paycheck has went to bills. I am sure more will be heading that way. I need to check my mail when I get home. My apartment looks like crap. With my back going out all I can manage to do is take out the trash.
I know I am crazy and it is only 6DPO (Days past ovulation). My nipples have been very hard recently. Also painful to the touch. I am praying for good news. Not just some women hormones out of whack king of crap.
Because of conflicting schedule I haven’t seen my therapist in a while. I made an appointment for next week. I need some direction or at least someone to talk to. I feel like I am standing still watching life pass me by.
They started talking about my 20th high school reunion on Facebook. I am feeling old as hell. Then my aunt sent me pictures of one of her random friends getting married. I told her I didn’t want to see those pictures. She sent them anyway. Then when I mentioned it she said she had to go. I been to two wedding and it has made me feel WTF is wrong with me. So when I asked her ass to not send me those pictures she should have F@#king listened. I know she wants to gossip.
It gets on my nerves when people are insensitive. I couldn’t give a damn about a girl I never met and don’t know getting married. Good for her!!
I am sitting at my desk with a hot pad on my back. Which is getting better by the day. I feel bad for anyone with chronic back problems. This paid is no damn joke. When I am back to 100% I am going to try my best not to take for-granted my health. Laying in bed not being able to move earlier in the week. Made me feel grateful that this pain will pass. I felt a great appreciation for people who live in constant pain. So why do I punish my body by over eating. I have issues I really need to work out. Any who, it is Friday and I am so damn happy about it. I might wake up early tomorrow and get an oil change. I always go to the same place. It isn’t close to my house, but I trust these guys. They also don’t try to sell my shit when I asked for a simple oil change. Now all I need is five pm to show up quickly so I can make my exit.!!!!
Second therapist appointment went well. She confirmed a few things in my world. It is nice to hear an opinion that has no reason to pick one side or the others.
A while back I was working on making my own hypnotherapy CD‘s. I started the project, never finished as usual. I also wonder if I was being a bit crazy. I was thinking who else could convince me better than my own voice.
Well according to my therapist that is not crazy at all. Also others do make their own hypnotherapy CD’s. I don’t know why not being the only one makes you feel good.
I don’t want to be the only freak that feels a need to record my voice to talk to myself.
I am going to work on completing this project by this weekend. My voice doesn’t sound the same recorded as it sounds in my head. It is kind of freaky.
I need to have more follow through in my life. What is funny is she pointed out I follow through with a lot of things in my life. Baby making project being first on the list. I told her it was my obsession. I don’t know if she was buying me using such a strong word to describe my actions. My do we criticize ourselves ten times worse than anyone else could. I guess that is the million dollar question. I need to find the million dollar answer to that question??
Second insemination yesterday complete. I was a little worried. He text me he was exhausted. I wanted to say I don’t give a shit, stick to the plan. I know that is ugly, but I can be honest on my blog. He did come through. I haven’t gotten any response from a possible new known donor. So I have to work with what I got for the moment. So now the waiting game is on. I know me and I will be crazy in a few weeks with the first response test. I can lie and say I won’t, but come on!!
I am going to the therapist today. I am a little nervous. She didn’t call to confirm my appointment. We will see if she shows up. I never had a medical appointment not confirmed the day before.
I need to work out my issues. I know everyone has issues, mine just seem a little too much these days. I am so freaking happy I found that damn happy face. I thought my ovulation went to shit.
I remember the doctor telling me she didn’t want me to ovulate early. I usually ovulate on the 10/11 day. She wanted it in there longer to grow. I might have hit the jackpot. I didn’t get the happy face until the 14 day. So if there is any truth to her theory that might have helped out. I don’t know if the soy isoflavone helped also? I know I am going to keep taking it. I know I felt my ovulation this month. That never happens to me, so hopefully I am doing something right.
I am not sure if I should buy more ovulation predictor kits. I don’t want to be without if I need them next month. Also I need to know the cheap early pregnancy test. If anyone in the blogosphere knows where I can order online, Please put a link in the comments. It would be much appreciated, because first response can get expensive. Especially with my constant testing.
I still can’t believe I had six positive pregnancy test last month to disappear. The good news is I can get pregnant. Now how do I do it and stay pregnant with a healthy child or children???
I am so freaking confused. I got the negative pregnancy test. I am waiting for AF to show up. I got a little bit of brown today.
I am going to pay for a blood test today. I need to know there is no human life in there. I already talked to my donor and we have a plan for this month. It all depends on when my period starts. I am going out-of-town right when I might need to be inseminated. Which freaking SUCKS!!!
Wouldn’t it be crazy if I am still pregnant. If I am not, exactly the same thing happened. A chemical pregnancy or an early miscarriage. This is so heartbreaking because I was so damn happy.
I have six positive pregnancy test. They were all first response. The difference in this situation I am not spending thousands of dollars. Which I am still pissed off about. I just have to coordinate with one person and drive there. In one way I am glad I went through the process of insemination in an office. If I hadn’t I would have thought I was missing something.
I wasn’t going to pay for a blood test before. Now I know I have to. I can’t fuck this up!!. I don’t want to hurt any unborn child. I have to treed carefully.
Other than that I am sick of being fat. I went to look for a dress for my cousin wedding. BIG ASS FAIL. I hated everything. They probably weren’t that bad. When you are looking at fat that wasn’t there before it is very depressing. I know it is my fault. I have to get myself together. I know the old isn’t working and I need some NEW.
Two couples I would watch their VLogs on YOUTUBE broke up. I was shocked. It just confirms nothing is perfect.
People don’t share their problems. They share the good-times. Know one is going to get out there and say he is a cheating loser. You never know what happens behind closed doors.
I have been taking these home pregnancy test. I took another first response and got a negative. My fears have come true. This is what I have been scared of!! I have six positive test. Three negatives and I feel like my period might be coming. I am so sad. I need a confirmation one way or another. I haven’t seen my period yet but my sad face is on today.
I am going to wait and see if my period will show up soon. I swear all this positive and negative sucks big time!!!
I started taking the progesterone. I decided as soon as I received a positive test I was going to use up my prescription. My friend called it baby sticking glue. She had progesterone shots through her whole pregnancy. She had miscarriages in the past. Now she has a beautiful baby girl!!!
The problem with progesterone is my symptoms are out of control. I am so damn tired. I fell asleep in my car at lunch. I know I had to go back to work. I had to take ten more minutes. I had no energy.
I know I need to give up coffee. It is so hard to do. I will make it happen but it will be a painful experience.
When I was working with the reproductive center. They said one cup a day. I never followed that rule. I tried and tried. Now that the bun is in the oven I have to do it.
I went on an OBGYN search yesterday. It was so damn difficult. There are some baby hospitals in the Atlanta area. Northside hospital and Dekalb medical are the major ones. I wanted a doctor affiliated with Gwinnett Medical. I live in Gwinnett now. Being a single mother by choice I don’t want a hospital 40 min or more away. When there is one 5-10 mins away. After an hour and a half I found a doctor that uses that hospital. So I guess the first step is to confirm the pregnancy.
I told the woman I didn’t know what I was doing. She still wasn’t helpful. I had to pull all the information out of her. July 10th is my appointment to confirm the pregnancy. Then the end of July early August I will have an actual OBGYN appointment.
I am still taking pregnancy test. I want that line to get as dark as the test line. Praying for all to be great and perfect!!!
This two-week wait is so different from the others. I don’t have the paper to go to Quest Diagnostics. Waiting on pens and needles to hear a positive. Yes I have been looking online for the most sensitive pregnancy test. So I can test on my own.
I have come to my conclusion I need to be patient and just wait. I will buy a first response next week. Waiting with batted breath for a success story. My early signs that I might be, or just going crazy.
1) My eye is twitching I have no idea if this is a pregnancy sign. When I got the positive the last time my eye was doing the same thing.
2) Sleep- I took a two-hour nap on Saturday and still went to bed early.
3) Stomach- feeling upset with my morning coffee
4)Twinges- I am feeling these twinges is the only way to describe in my uterus area.
I know all this could be real or me being dramatic. I am praying for the double line. I purposely did not take any progesterone. I still have the prescription. I don’t want to be upset with progesterone symptoms. When I get the positive test I will take the them.
Keeping hope alive everyday.