Ava is worth it!!

I started fighting the system. It has been going on for months now. There is an organization which I am not going to name right now that discriminates against disabled children. They give this bullshit line, disabled does not donate a rejection, but they have never transported a special need child on a special needs bus in 40 years.

Now I understand why fighting the system is so difficult. They don’t make it easy and everyone is in cover your ass mode. I started with public records. With this climate of political unrest, I have learned a lot. They have to answer your public information request in a timely fashion.

I didn’t complain that my kid didn’t get in. I had only put in the application. I wanted to fight for all the other kids and mine. Well, the public information request leads to the Department of Education. They told me to file a complaint. Which I assumed was going to give me answers to my questions.

Truth be told I just wanted the backup to sue their asses. I learned that it isn’t how things work unless you have a lot of money to do such things. While I was working the process through the state, I was trying to find a lawyer for free99. Finding a lawyer was harder then I could imagine. I got one lawyer out of the 30 I called that might be interested in the case. She wanted to see the report from the state before she would make that determination.

At first, I was lead to believe they were going to side with me. Then I learned they were not on my side. I went nuclear. I wanted the damn report. It had been over 100 days and no report. I started making calls. I then realized how many departments use a smokescreen. I called Massachusetts Governer Bakers office three times. Which was a total waste? Then I called our senators. Then I reached my local senators. I also started to call the supervisors in various departments.

I would learn which departments were over other departments. I started learning the names of who ran these departments. That’s when I began to call for information help and the report. I started to name drop. I demanded to speak to the person in charge.

Well, 152 days later I finally got the report. Literally, they copied and pasted what I said the organization response and two lines that they didn’t agree with me. I was pissed, to say the least.

I went back to public records and demanded answers to my questions. They got back to me and that where we are at the moment. I waiting to see if I have a lawyer, and I have several departments that are supposed to get back to me. Please pray for justice. I am really losing steam in this process.

Gaining to much Weight!!

I just left my OBGYN appointment. I have gained 12 pounds in these four months. Not good at all. I wanted to tell her my weight issues have been going on since childhood. 12 pound isn’t shit to what I can pack on. I feel so bad. I know I been making a lot of bad food choices. It was so easy to do. I restricted myself for years and went hog-wild. She told me what to eat, which was so amusing to me.  Not her telling me a diet. The diet was so close to when I was a size 8-10 and not my size 16. I need to stop the crap and get on board.

I asked my aunt who is presently lost 100+ pounds, what jump started her weight loss. My aunt and I have always fought the battle of weight. She is the one got me in my first 12 step program for food. Which I agreed to because she wouldn’t give me anymore money for weight watchers.

She said her son was waiting for a call that she died. I thought oh damn that is deep. She was crying when she told me this. I said I am sorry I didn’t mean to make you cry. She got herself together and started making a change in her life. She said you feel so much better when you eat right. She is right you really do. I remember those feelings. I don’t have them at this moment, but I do remember them.  I called my old roommate to come over. I am donating all my bad food to their house. I just can’t bring myself to throw food in the trash!! That is my grandmother in me about wasting food. My grandmother was also very overweight.

I need to do better for me and my child. I want to be the good me. Not the fat miserable me. So I need to make this change not just for the pregnancy but for my life.


17DPO and no aunt flo

I am excited and nervous. I finally took out the calendar and counted. I am having symptoms of aunt flow paying me a visit. But shit those can be pregnancy symptoms also. I haven’t taken a test. I want to delay my stress and be accepting of what comes my way. If my period come I will just try again. This could be the month. I never discount I could have a probably success. I just can’t take another positive to get another negative. Losing these pregnancy early are really hurting my feelings. I would rather not know I had a positive at all.

I didn’t do much this weekend. With my back being out I gained all the damn weight I lost less one pound. Lucky me!!!. So I started working on my diet again. So far so good. No cream in my coffee this morning. I weighted and measured my breakfast and lunch. I even weight out my salad dressing. Shit when is the last time I did that. Yeah when my ass was skinny. I have to say I been in a happy mood lately. A little negativity over the weekend, but all is well. I am working on me. I wrote down what I was going to eat today. I also wrote two things I need to complete today.

I am feeling cramps. I am so praying aunt flow skips me this month. Let me have this dammit. Here is to dealing with life on life’s terms.


My therapist gave me homework. I haven’t really had homework since I took a online class. Which was for personal growth more than anything else. That had to be over five years ago. I really need to start giving myself homework and maybe more thing can get accomplished. I was in a group for weight loss. It is anonymous so I am really not allowed to say much about it. My therapist said so many thing that the group preaches. I left the group for personal reason. I might go back, but not ready at this point. I have been upset with the outcome of my life. I felt a lot better when she told me I am not original for thinking that way. Thank you GOD!! I don’t want to be a lone loser complaining. My life is blessed in many ways. I know but why am I not appreciating that. She said in our society we all want instant gratification. She got that right. When I want something, I want it yesterday. Like someone was reading my thought and had it waiting for me on instant demand. So my homework is to buy a gratitude journal book. If I can find it online where I can print, is fine also. My past group had this thing of writing down a gratitude list. So I knew she wasn’t full of crap. There is something to appreciating your blessing in life. If you don’t know I am addicted to the SIMS computer game. Yesterday I was watching a Lets Play on YouTube. This girl video had a tremendous about of views. She clearly have been doing this on YouTube for a long time. I started to read the comments and I realized this girl was dead. People were leaving their condolences. I looked her up and she died after surgery in a hospital. She was only 25 years old. I don’t know this girl. I have only seen a few of her video’s. It hit me hard that she was dead. I am 38 years old. I can’t imagine if my life was over 13 years ago. All the good, bad, and other I have experience in the past 13 years. No my life wasn’t fantasy land. But it was my life and I got to live it. Learning of some stranger to me dying randomly at 25 really put me in my place. Now the question is what the hell am I going to do about it. The first one I am going to work on is to STOP BITCHING. If I say it I own it. Calling myself fat doesn’t help me lose weight.  It makes me look in the mirror get more miserable and eat more. Not having a husband or children does not make me less than. You think I would have figured that out by now. Call me slow!!! My therapist said live in the now, She even mention a book about that. I heard someone say the past is gone the future hasn’t happened all I have is the now. All these words of wisdom that I don’t pay any damn attention to when I want to be pitiful. When my life didn’t play out like that bitch Cinderella. What makes me feel my life is less than. Because I tell myself that with all those damn comparisons to other people. I asked my therapist does anyone have a great life. She said only if they feel it in there inner most self. Even people with money can’t buy happiness. That is so true. I have this dream and fantasy of having a lot of money. There are a lot of rich miserable people. You don’t have to go far to see that. There are a lot thin miserable people. There are a lot of married miserable people. My misery is so self-created. I am coming to that conclusion.  My therapist looked in my face and said if you are living in this moment right now. What do you have to complain about. I told her absolutely nothing. I have my health and all my basic needs are met. This is not going to be an easy thing for me. I have been self-deprecating most of my life. But for today I am going to work on my own personal happiness. Thinking about what I have instead of dwelling on what I don’t have. Loving who I am as a person and how I treat others. Taking care of myself and not putting things in my body to do it harm. Why is one day of loving myself so hard??????

Life Stuff!!

Second therapist appointment went well. She confirmed a few things in my world. It is nice to hear an opinion that has no reason to pick one side or the others.

A while back I was working on making my own hypnotherapy CD‘s. I started the project, never finished as usual. I also wonder if I was being a bit crazy. I was thinking who else could convince me better than my own voice.

Well according to my therapist that is not crazy at all. Also others do make their own hypnotherapy CD’s. I don’t know why not being the only one makes you feel good.

I don’t want to be the only freak that feels a need to record my voice to talk to myself.

I am going to work on completing this project by this weekend. My voice doesn’t sound the same recorded as it sounds in my head. It is kind of freaky.

I need to have more follow through in my life. What is funny is she pointed out I follow through with a lot of things in my life. Baby making project being first on the list. I told her it was my obsession. I don’t know if she was buying me using such a strong word to describe my actions. My do we criticize ourselves ten times worse than anyone else could. I guess that is the million dollar question. I need to find the million dollar answer to that question??


Baby Project #49

Second insemination yesterday complete. I was a little worried. He text me he was exhausted. I wanted to say I don’t give a shit, stick to the plan. I know that is ugly, but I can be honest on my blog. He did come through. I haven’t gotten any response from a possible new known donor. So I have to work with what I got for the moment. So now the waiting game is on. I know me and I will be crazy in a few weeks with the first response test. I can lie and say I won’t, but come on!!

I am going to the therapist today. I am a little nervous. She didn’t call to confirm my appointment. We will see if she shows up. I never had a medical appointment not confirmed the day before.

I need to work out my issues. I know everyone has issues, mine just seem a little too much these days. I am so freaking happy I found that damn happy face. I thought my ovulation went to shit.

I remember the doctor telling me she didn’t want me to ovulate early. I usually ovulate on the 10/11 day. She wanted it in there longer to grow.  I might have hit the jackpot. I didn’t get the happy face until the 14 day. So if there is any truth to her theory that might have helped out. I don’t know if the soy isoflavone helped also? I know I am going to keep taking it. I know I felt my ovulation this month. That never happens to me, so hopefully I am doing something right.

I am not sure if I should buy more ovulation predictor kits. I don’t want to be without if I need them next month. Also I need to know the cheap early pregnancy test. If anyone in the blogosphere knows where I can order online,  Please put a link in the comments. It would be much appreciated, because first response can get expensive. Especially with my constant testing.

I still can’t believe I had six positive pregnancy test last month to disappear. The good news is I can get pregnant. Now how do I do it and stay pregnant with a healthy child or children???