Santa is gone!!

Christmas is over and I have work bright and early tomorrow. I didn’t scratch all my lottery tickets. Maybe I will get through it tonight. Or maybe I will save them for New Years. Dave and I are on the outs. We might get over it, might not. When people say relationships are hard, I totally understand. I swear my life changes on a dime.

I know I am quick to pull the trigger and kick someone to the curb. Not one of best traits. I will work on it in 2016. I did not tell a bunch of people what happened with Dave and I. I learned from my mistakes. If you let to many people in, it opens it up for opinion. I use to welcome those opinions back in the day. Now not so much. What I decided to do where he is concerned I will work out myself. If it ends in a big ass hear break, I will call my road dogs for comfort.

I am still considering having another baby. I will make the decision by the summer. Ava is doing well. She is a happy baby, who makes me laugh all the time. Her lack of speech does bother me. Only because I don’t want my baby to have any issues. Then I watch the St. Jude commercials with children with cancer, and I thank god my baby is healthy.

She wasn’t really into Christmas. Spent more time playing with the boxes, and the cheapest toy. Didn’t like the dolls. The talking Elmo got about ten minutes of attention. We will see what happens next year.

I really like my job so far. I had to leave early last Thursday to take Ava to a followup Doctor’s appointment. No more ear infection thank god. We had to do two rounds of antibiotics. I have noticed my baby is a brat, and cries anytime she doesn’t get her way. Which I ignore, and Nana does not. LOL she knows she gets away with murder. That face is hard to see cry. I do it!!!

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15 weeks pregnant!!!

A lot has gone on,  and I feel like I have been neglecting my blog. I told my boss that I was pregnant. I was in a closed-door meeting with the one other employee who knows I am pregnant with my boss. I was nervous, scared and at a loss how to do this. So I thought if she was there with me it would help my confidence. She didn’t know I was going to announce it. She was just what I needed by my side. My boss was in straight shock. He asked me if I was coming back. I froze on how to answer that question. I am the worst in how to answer things properly in jobs not to screw yourself. I tend to talk too much and tell to much. Which of course I did. Then I ask everyone who will listen to tell me if I messed up.

The point is I can’t take the words back so I am going to have to suck up the consequences. I told him I didn’t want to announce it to the whole company until next month. When I make five month officially. He was cool with that and told the president and the VP. So now four people at my company no I pregnant. Only one knows under what circumstances. I am choosing not to answer those kind of questions at all. I did tell my boss I will be a single parent. He said okay, and didn’t ask any more question. When I originally announced it, I felt he thought I was about to get married and be a stay at home mom. That is far from the case.

I cancelled an appointment with my therapist. I reschedule for next week. I work up at 3am and couldn’t go back to sleep. I knew I couldn’t take driving to her office in traffic being so out of it. I have a few things to discuss. When I go she makes me feel at ease. She told me I was one of her patients she didn’t worry about.

I haven’t felt totally right since I started my third week of pregnancy. I am always nauseous. My pants are starting to get tight. I am going to head to Target today to find the Belly Band!! I am hoping it will help these pants last for a while!!!!

So pissed off!!

I am so pissed of I had to get it off my chest. My mother has told everyone, and I do mean everyone I am pregnant. Then had to nerve to say you sound like you have an attitude. You see with my mother has a right to be mad at you, But you don’t have the right to be mad at her.

First off I am 5 weeks along. You don’t tell anyone until after three months. Second it isn’t her business to tell. She should have asked for my permission. Now she is going to make me not tell her anything. I left her a text message because she is the type not to listen. I plan not to answer the phone for a while. I am so pissed off. I called my aunt. She said she knew but didn’t want to get into it. She knew it was going to blow up.

I have enough on my mind then all this all over freaking town. Now granted my god mother doesn’t travel in any circles I do. If she tells my god sister I will be pissed off. Especially since me and her do not talk and had it out over a year ago. When I say I am pissed there is steam coming out my ears. Then I asked her what exactly she said and she is going to give me some evasive bullshit answer. No chick what did you tell her. The full story or just I am pregnant. If she told her the full story I would be about to fly up to Boston to kill her. She only told her I was pregnant. Also everyone at her two part-time jobs. Which I don’t know those people. Still not cool. I haven’t even told my father yet. I swear god help me with this woman.

She is my biggest supporter and she is happy. Ready to be a grandmother. Which she thought would never happen. I understand and I am trying to be sensitive. But she is going to have to show some respect and stop pulling I am your mother when she fucks up. Just say you are sorry. I am sure after I ignore her for a while I will get the apology. When you ignore her that is when she will think about what she did. If you face it head on she will argue you to death about her side.  I love her but she drives me freakin crazy!!!!!!

 

UPDATE: We went through the usual drama and now my mother and I are good. WOW hopefully it won’t always be like this. Please pray for me!!!

17DPO and no aunt flo

I am excited and nervous. I finally took out the calendar and counted. I am having symptoms of aunt flow paying me a visit. But shit those can be pregnancy symptoms also. I haven’t taken a test. I want to delay my stress and be accepting of what comes my way. If my period come I will just try again. This could be the month. I never discount I could have a probably success. I just can’t take another positive to get another negative. Losing these pregnancy early are really hurting my feelings. I would rather not know I had a positive at all.

I didn’t do much this weekend. With my back being out I gained all the damn weight I lost less one pound. Lucky me!!!. So I started working on my diet again. So far so good. No cream in my coffee this morning. I weighted and measured my breakfast and lunch. I even weight out my salad dressing. Shit when is the last time I did that. Yeah when my ass was skinny. I have to say I been in a happy mood lately. A little negativity over the weekend, but all is well. I am working on me. I wrote down what I was going to eat today. I also wrote two things I need to complete today.

I am feeling cramps. I am so praying aunt flow skips me this month. Let me have this dammit. Here is to dealing with life on life’s terms.

Aunt Flow is here!!

No pregnancy this month. At least with this upcoming cycle I am not going anywhere. Known Donor and I have had a come to Jesus meeting. We will see if he continues to act right. I took yesterday off. I was mentally sick. I needed a break to just do nothing. Which is exactly what I did. I stayed in the bed to three pm. Then I got my ass up dusted myself off and rejoined the world. I think on a better note. I needed to be pitiful for a day.

When I got up I walked the park twice. I didn’t over eat yesterday. I had a hard time going to bed. Which figures after sleeping on and off for countless hours. I even did my Dance central 3 game on my XBOX. I am still keeping hope alive.

I have been lonely lately. I need to do more and meet people. I am back online. Yes what else is there to do at my age. I don’t want to join a bunch or random groups. Which is the usual answer from any non single person. I want one on one male attention. I find it hard to do while trying to make a baby with someone else. I am going to phrase my ad as looking for a friend to hang out with. Instead of I am looking for the love of my life. Which I have to say honestly at this moment I am not. Also I don’t have to tell them a damn thing. I think one of my major problems is I have a big mouth.

I am going to begin the soy isoflavone again today. 1-5 is to help achieve the pregnancy with old eggs. 5-9 is for multiples, 3-7 is a happy medium most women use. I am going for 1-5. Yes I would like multiples but if I have to get pregnant again it is what it is. It has succeeded in pushing my ovulation back. Which in my mind is a great thing. I am not sure if the cervical mucus is harming the sperm. I am going to look into doing something about that this month. I haven’t noticed an influx of it. Who knows, anything is worth a shot. I think I drink some Robitussin for a few days. I can do that. As you can see I am willing to try anything.

I just found this on a mommy website.

1-5 = you produce more eggs, and ovulate sooner, with a stronger ovulation.

2-6 = you produce more eggs that usual, but not as many as taking it 1-5. Eggs may be more mature, and ovulation will be slightly more strong than 1-5.

3-7 = The best of both worlds, a few more eggs, and all eggs will be strong & mature, and ovulation will be alot stronger than 1-5.

4-8 = No more eggs will be produced, but the ones already there, will be matured alot more than usual, and ovulation will be very strong. Ovulation may only be brought forward a teeny bit.

5-9 = You’ll have one very mature strong egg, from the ones you already produced on your own. Ovulation will either happen when it usually does, or a few days later, but your egg will be of great quality.

I might be going at this very wrong. I am going for 5-9 this month, or 4-8.

 

Pissed off!!!

I have a big ass stain on my carpet. How about I didn’t put it there. It looks like a stain coming from the bottom up. The apartment complex says it something I will have to pay for in the end. Can I say pissed the f off. I don’t know if I just didn’t notice it. Did the carpet cleaning they did before I moved in cover it up until recently. Well thank god my old roommates still have my carpet cleaner. I am going to try to get that crap up. If it works and comes back. I will use it again before I move out. I am always pissed to be left holding the bag for crap that wasn’t my fault.

I know the complex probably heard it all, but I swear there is no way in hell I did that. They don’t care, which was totally obvious when I was talking to the leasing agent. I have several months to worry about it.

Presently going to get an insemination tonight. I didn’t get the happy face today, but with my old calculations it should be tomorrow. New calculation it will be when I get back. I am trying not to be stressed anymore.

I don’t know what the hell is wrong with my scale. It looks like my weight went up again. To be honest I should have weight myself when I originally started this new plan. It could have went down. I decided to go back to weighting myself once a month. Clearly I can’t take looking at the scale to often.

Baby Project #47

I went away to a bridal shower in Philly this weekend and gained weight. I am so pissed off with myself. I am giving up the latte’s that been giving me empty calories. I am going to follow my food plan this week and see what happens by next Monday.

Known donor stood me up yesterday. I have to say I was beyond annoyed. I called him when I got off the plane. He said he would be ready in a few hours because he was at his dad’s. Three, four, five hours later nothing. No response to my messages or text. He turning me into a stalker. I finally got my smiley face last night. Thank god it was still there this morning. He left me a text at 4am stating his cell phone died and he fell asleep.

I wanted to say, excuse me do I look like I am dating you. I don’t want any bullshit excuses. Which is exactly what that sounded like. So I don’t want to miss this month. I am going there tonight and hopefully tomorrow and look for a new known donor. Which sucks the big one. I was finally getting comfortable with him. Hopefully it takes and stays this month and I won’t have to worry about anyone. Here is to baby dust.

 

Life begins!

I started to think of my life in a different way today. Actually the thought process began yesterday. I am still a lonely depressed mess. I have a light at the end of the tunnel. A glimmer of hope. My life is good and I need to fix my perspective.

Yes I am still going to go talk to someone. I feel a little better today. I actually went to the gym yesterday. I haven’t been there in about six months. Then I took a long walk in the park today. It had a chance of rain and I didn’t care. I needed to be outside. I did have some drops hit my face. I had my new pedometer app going on my smart phone. I wanted to quite after the first lap. I sat in my car,  ready to go home. I decided I wanted to burn 200 calories in total. Why do I always quite everything. I was pondering that as I sat in my car. I got out of the car and walked another lap. 187 calories. One accomplishment made me feel so much better.

I decided I am not going to put anymore crap in my body. Okay let me start with still not ready to give up the coffee. I am a work in progress. Everything I put in my body today has been totally healthy.

Started with egg whites and fruit for breakfast. A big salad with feta cheese(which I love) for lunch. Dinner hasn’t happened yet. I am very optimistic and need to keep this wave alive.

Next week is baby making week. Before I head out-of-town for a bridal shower. Which I have nothing to wear at the moment because nothing fits. I will find something to put together.

It is funny my mom said she is a size 16. This is the first time my mother and I are the same size. My mom was so much smaller than me during my teenage years. Then I lost 100 pounds and I was smaller than my mother for years. Not that she was big she was about a 12 and I was a 8-10. My mom is 5’11 and I am 6’0.

Now we are both size 16 which is interesting. We both are out of comfort zones. Having to find a dress for this upcoming wedding. I am going to look tomorrow with my old roommate. I appreciate her in a big way. I am my own worst critic. She told me I am being dramatic. Sometimes you need some compliments to get out of the dumps.

 

Baby Project #44

Life throws you curve balls. I don’t know what the hell is up with positive pregnancy test to then get a flipping negative. I read that this happens all the time.

I know I need to keep my mouth shut. I am getting sick of the pity I am hearing through the phone. My mom and aunt want to be totally a breast of my life. I know it is their form of being close. The harsh silences after the bad news is killing me.

I am very pissed off for many reasons. I left my food program again. I feel like I need to see a therapist. I might look for someone to talk to. I am not about to slit my wrist, but I am clearly having issues. I need to know if they can be helped. I don’t feel happy. I been feeling like a big loser. My mother screaming at me I am not a loser is not helping the situation. I been in my house by myself not socializing. I am an only child. I don’t mind being alone, but my state of mind I don’t know if I should spend so much time by myself.

I did go out with my old roommates last weekend. We had a great time. We went to dinner and to see The Heat. It was like a date, they came and picked me up. They are great people. I swear if the mother didn’t move in I would still be living there. Oh well life moves on and never seems to get easier.

If I go to the therapist I will tell them I don’t want to be on drugs. It seems these doctors give drugs to everyone. No antidepressants for me. The last time I took them they made me feel crazy. I just feel I am getting no understanding. I can barely understand myself.

 

Baby Project #43

I am so freaking confused. I got the negative pregnancy test. I am waiting for AF to show up. I got a little bit of brown today.

I am going to pay for a blood test today. I need to know there is no human life in there. I already talked to my donor and we have a plan for this month. It all depends on when my period starts. I am going out-of-town right when I might need to be inseminated. Which freaking SUCKS!!!

Wouldn’t it be crazy if I am still pregnant. If I am not, exactly the same thing happened. A chemical pregnancy or an early miscarriage. This is so heartbreaking because I was so damn happy.

I have six positive pregnancy test. They were all first response. The difference in this situation I am not spending thousands of dollars. Which I am still pissed off about. I just have to coordinate with one person and drive there. In one way I am glad I went through the process of insemination in an office. If I hadn’t I would have thought I was missing something.

I wasn’t going to pay for a blood test before. Now I know I have to. I can’t fuck this up!!. I don’t want to hurt any unborn child. I have to treed carefully.

Other than that I am sick of being fat. I went to look for a dress for my cousin wedding. BIG ASS FAIL. I hated everything. They probably weren’t that bad. When you are looking at fat that wasn’t there before it is very depressing. I know it is my fault. I have to get myself together. I know the old isn’t working and I need some NEW.

Two couples I would watch their VLogs on YOUTUBE broke up. I was shocked. It just confirms nothing is perfect.

People don’t share their problems. They share the good-times. Know one is going to get out there and say he is a cheating loser. You never know what happens behind closed doors.