My mother was sick, The baby is getting over being sick. I guess it is my turn. I just want to sleep. A five month old that isn’t entirely possible. I know people are against kids and electronics, but it has turned into a single mother best friend. I have her watching infant stimulation, leap-frog learning videos. It keeps her attention for about ten minutes. I have toys for her but she isn’t old enough to play by herself. When I need to wash dishes or anything else I try my best to entertain her.
I started looking for a job yesterday. My mother and aunt asked me what was the hurry. The hurry is I haven’t won the lottery yet, or independently wealthy. So I am need to make money. Plus I am apply for the jobs I am truly interested in. There were a few jobs for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. I am actually going for a lower level job. I don’t want a management job. I am not looking for the stress of management. I don’t want a bunch of overtime. I want to do my job the best I can and take my butt home. I don’t want any crazy job stress. I have enough stress in my life. I also have my plan if I win the lottery life. As I always stated my fantasy life is ten times greater than my reality. I guess that use to be true. Now thinking about it my baby Ava trumps my fantasies. It still would be nice to win the lottery!!!
It is starting to get cold in here. People do not turn on the heat early. I have my electric blanket on high. I hate being to cold or to hot. I haven’t had to much of a social life. Which to be honest since I have been on this baby journey for about three years. I haven’t had much of a social life. When I first moved to Atlanta I was party central. I know that was so long ago. I don’t want to be party central, but I still want to look good. Not like I gave up on life and interacting. I miss having a man interested in me. I have talked to my ex. We talked for a few days and I haven’t heard from him since. I know having a baby and leaving the state has finally put a nail in the restoration of our relationship. Which is actually a great thing. Even thought I wasted to many years with that on and off again relationship. I am glad I got my baby and not waited for him to marry my ass. I would have been dead and buried before that happened.
It is funny how things come full circle. I have another appointment with a gynecologist. I need to get my STD screening again. I am also going to work on getting a prescription of clomid. I know I wasn’t successful the last time. They wanted me to take tests. I took the test and now I want the prescription. I am really paying for not having a regular Gyno. Everyone gets this prescription with ease. I am the one who gets all the trouble.
My known donor is very handsome. He also has green eyes. I have to say I like that.
How about my mom and aunt are all on board to. They have really shown themselves supportive. They both said when I started this process and explained the expense. Can you just find someone to have sex with. My high and might self was against. Well I did try with the pain in the ass ex. Which I did talk to him, and we decided against it. He wants to be a father. I am moving to Boston and do not want to deal with the drama of someone wanting me to stay in GA.
I am not pregnant. I knew I wasn’t when I got my period this morning. I was supposed to come back in to get ready for another IUI. I called it all off. I need a break.
The financial part of this is stressing me out. So the social worker was great about it. Said if I wanted to I could come back. Well the doctor called me back and said no she does not think it is a good idea I come back. She was nice about it explained her side of things. She thinks my next step should be IVF. I cannot afford IVF at this point and also do not have the insurance for it.
My next step is a known donor. I know I am going backwards. People start with a known donor first. The appointments of the process didn’t bother me. It was tossing up another 2500 bucks.
I went to the Known Donor Registry. I saw a guy I met online years ago. I never met him in person. Funny how small the world is. I was a little put off by the doctor. Telling me not to come back.
I still was calling it quits. It seemed that she thought I was an emotional wreck that couldn’t go on. No I didn’t want to spend money I did not have. The amount I owe right now is on a credit card. I don’t like that shit. She said she understood. Oh well moving on in my world.
How does a regular person by themselves afford this? I have a good job. Not a six figure job, but a good one. I feel punished for following the rules. She also gave me a lecture about known donors also. Either way I am an adult. Even with my old eggs. I have to make decisions that work for me.
Okay the ex boyfriend text me yesterday. I need him to go away!!. I know I should have ignored it. I know I should have deleted the messages and moved on. Well woulda, coulda, shoulda. I answered with a vengeance He still loved me, Could we still be friends. He is sorry. He is coming to my apartment.
Now I understand how women go back to their abuser. It so easy to call someone stupid for going back to someone. When you love someone and your emotions are involved you want to believe they changed. You want to believe the good. Even though all they shown you is bad.
In this case I was so pissed. I told him off several times. I don’t want to believe he has changed. I had enough experience to know that isn’t true. I don’t want to believe he cares about anyone but himself. Because I know that isn’t true. He wants to be my friend. None of my friends treat me like crap. So why would I put him in the category of great people who have been there for me. He is no friend.
He doesn’t want to be the bad guy. He wants to be forgiven so he can sleep at night. Well sorry dude not giving that to you. After I got sick of texting I called him and said “say your piece because this is the last time we are going to speak.” Blah, blah, blah the same bullshit coming through the phone. I went to the left. Not my finest moment. Not something I am proud of. Not something that made me seem like a mature adult. I blasted his ass. He hung up on me and I was emotionally spent. I can’t blame this man for what I allowed him to do. I know I share in the blame. I just need him to stop contacting me. I need to heal and move on. I need my life to not have him in it. Or anyone that brings me down in any way. Knowing him, time will pass and he will contact me again. Just like the cat that you can’t get rid of. He will be back!!!
No ovulation yet. Which is unusual. I guess the fertility drugs delayed it. The doctor said this drug usually pushes it forward. Well the eggs are staying in the oven to mature some more. She said she needed them to get bigger. They would be ready for the trigger shot by Wed. So that is what I am shooting for. My boss is out for a week. So my trips to the doctors won’t have to be explained. I will just tell another manager who knows the deal I will be back. Which makes this process smoother.
My anxiety is going out every day. I am about to put the sperm of a stranger in me to make a baby. I am working on starting a family alone. This shit is frightening. I also still want twins. I know my ass is crazy. But I want my child to have a sibling. Someone to go through life with.
God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference
I am cooking my dirt tea tonight. I am going to drink today and tomorrow. She said to drink before insemination. Here is to changing my life completely.
I will be inseminating this week. I been testing and I swear my emotions have been all over the place. I did go on a three-mile walk yesterday. I pushed myself because my lazy ass was ready to die after the second time around the park. I was impressed with pushing through. Usually not like me. I found this song I am in love with. I usually do not listen to the radio, so I am not up on any of the latest music. Here is the music video.
I have to say I love old school music. When I grew up it wasn’t old. But now that my ass is old it is called old school.
Here is what I am use to listening to:
I didn’t do much this weekend. I did go to acupuncture I am trying every angle to make this IUI a success. She gave me a tea to drink before I inseminate. I need to cook it up tonight. She doesn’t do tea bags. She puts the dirt, leaves and bark in a brown paper bag. So more dirt tea for me. I have actually been getting use to the taste. I swear I never thought I would say that. Everything I have done this past 12 months is leading up to this week. Nervous is just part of my emotions. My Co-worker came to my office and said are you ready for this week. I said no thinking she was talking about work. She was referring to my IUI and I did show some excitement.
All this is some scare shit!! All of it. From going through the stress of the IUI working or not. Doing it all alone with no real emotional support. I was feeling lonely this weekend. I don’t have that feeling often. It did consume me a little. No one called all day Saturday. It is funny when you want someone to call the phone doesn’t ring. When you are in a great conversation the phone won’t stop.
I am going to start praying tonight. I need something to ground me. I feel all over the place.
I am officially on fertility drugs as of last night. No side effects yet, THANK GOD. I hope it stays that way. I am in a great mood today. I want to stay on this happy cloud.
I was talking to Doctor dude last night. I called him this weekend. He didn’t get back to me which is unusual. He said he left his phone in a hospital and got it yesterday. I got a random text from him in the middle of the day yesterday explaining himself. I never get text from him in the middle of the day. So he wanted to let me know he wasn’t ignoring me. How cute!!! I felt a little flattered that he gave a shit.
I told him if I don’t get pregnant (which I know I will). I am moving to PA getting on his insurance and getting IVF. We both laughed. Hey you never know life is stranger than fiction.
The one thing about Doctor dude I really like is we talk. We have talked for five years with maybe three sexual conversation in those five years. Now to be honest the five years was on and off. The fact that he doesn’t treat our conversation like he is paying by the minute I love that!!
I listen to all his medical situation which I find gross and tell him to stop half way through the descriptions. Our relationship has a very interesting dynamic.
No complaints at the moment. I did win 30 bucks on my scratch ticket. I am going to reinvest today. Mama wants to hit the jackpot!!!
First ultrasound today. In two weeks I should be doing my first IUI. Reality is kicking in. I am listening to my positive thinking CD at work. I needed to hear more of it. My commute isn’t long anymore.
I am letting it start over again and again. I want it to sink into my brain. I know my clothes were not fitting the way I liked this morning. I didn’t start off in a good place. Now that I am on the second time with this CD I am feeling a little better. I just started to realize my VJAY is going to be on display a lot. I am not used to that. Once a year at the doctor’s office is what I use to.
I know I am going to have to get over it. I never thought it bothered me in the past. I wasn’t in love with spreading my legs in front of someone, but I could deal with it once a year. Well now it is going to be around five times this month.
I heard when you give birth everyone is down there. I’ll deal with that when it happens. I need to stay positive. My uterus is a fertile place. I will be pregnant with my twins this month. CD is working!!!!
Today was not my day. I don’t know what I expected. I was walking into a doctor’s office with bad test to begin with. Well I had my ultrasound and found I have fibroid. Shocked the hell out of me. Well she informed me 70% of black women have them. On a good note they are very small. I guess I can’t say I don’t have female issues again.
The ultrasound was being performed and I couldn’t tell what the hell she was looking at. She was measuring my fibroid and looking at the general stuff in the uterus. Well she could see one tube very clearly. The other one not so much.
I am sitting in the chair in her office. I swear I wanted to break down and cry. I was holding it back. Still haven’t cried yet, been holding it back all day. She basically said, she is not sure if one of my tubes is open and works. If it does not all this might be a waste of time. If it is open she isn’t making any promises and would give me a 10% chance of IUI success with full medication. She said I should try about three times. Which could cost me a total of six thousand dollars.
She sees the benefit of IVF for me. Now I really want to cry. I do not have the money for IVF. Especially since my insurance doesn’t cover anything for fertility. I read all these blogs of women who have tried IVF several times. Some still come home with no baby. I know three people who did IVF and didn’t end up with a baby. All is a dead issues since I can’t afford IVF.
She advised I get a HSG test. The test I was avoiding due to the cost. Now I am all in because I feel my dreams slipping away. They actually fit me in for today. Thank god it wasn’t painful. I heard other women screamed in pain. She did give me four Advil and some prescription I picked up before the procedure. It was a little uncomfortable but nothing to serious.
I was trying to get the tech to tell me something. No damn luck on that one. I did get to see one picture. I had no idea what I was looking at. I know there is no guarantees. But I am so scared and depressed and gloom and doom right now. I need to work on getting my faith back. It is so low right now. I know god has done a lot of great things for me. Will he pull this through. Or am I one of the people who don’t get a baby. Which my aunt proceeded to tell me. Not all women get to have babies. Thanks auntie!!! I am in the not all women club for a lot of things. Then no baby is not a club I want to join. My single mother by choice friend is getting me straight. She had a five percent chance and got pregnant on the first try. We are all different and who knows life is stranger than fiction. I could be pregnant on the first try. I am going to pray for that. I am so bitter right now. I need to work on my mood and positivity if I want any type of success.
This clearly is not implantation bleeding. AF is here with a vengeance I know it is crazy, but I still want to take the pregnancy test for good measure. Or to soothe my crazy brain.
Now my prayers are for the first insemination to work. The social worker told me via email the doctors is recommending the most expensive insemination. I really want to try the unmedicated with soy isoflavone.
I am really going to pray on that one. I really have to think of my motives. I know I am cheap, but I really want to have a baby. So I should go with the doctor’s recommendation.
I am not sure if ex is excited or worried. At this point don’t really care. I need to work on my plan. I am going to pray I get pregnant the first go round of insemination with my twins.
I know everything is on gods time not mine. I guess I can go pick up that DHEA to begin taking it today. JOY, JOY, JOY more acne and other side effects.
I think I actually have a few bottles of it at home. I am going to check before I spend anymore money. It is saving time.
I know I make plans and god laugh. But my plan is to get pregnant and have the baby in Georgia. Then head to Boston after I get myself together and comfortable at home, look for a job.
We will see how it all plays out. The fear of not getting pregnant from the IUI is scary. I cannot afford IVF.
Here is to positive thinking!!!
The concept is typically extended to include the attitude of hope for future conditions unfolding as optimal as well.
I really need to work on my optimism. I want to say thank you to a friend who gave me a different perspective yesterday. I could be pregnant now. Only god knows. I am not a religious person. I do believe in god. My spiritual concepts took a long time to come together. I was an agnostic for a long time. I believed god existed. I really thought he did nothing for me. Like Santa Claus skipping my house. It wasn’t until my twenties when I realized a lot of good happened in my life that I did not appreciate. That is when my spiritual side started to unfold.
God has been working in my life for a long time. My concepts is more spiritual than religious. I can not quote any scriptures. I can tell you I believe totally god has my back.
When I moved to Georgia with nothing. My uncle told me I would be back. He insinuated I would fail and come running back home. That did not happen. I moved with my car pulling my stuff in a little U haul box behind my car. Other than to visit I haven’t been back yet.
As my friend reminded me, a year ago I didn’t think any of this would have been possible. My plan was to move to Boston. Find a job than work on having a baby.
Things started to work out.
I did a short sale on my house. It affected my credit, but not a lot. Thank God!!! I stayed with friends and paid off some bills. I received a promotion with a great financial increase. Nothing that could afford IVF, but enough to make me stay in Georgia for a while.
I pray my baby dreams do not go un answered. I know optimism and lack of stress will carry me through. It is so hard not to worry. I wish I could switch that off. I am going to work on it!!!
I am going to karaoke tonight. No singing for me. I am a spectator. I sound great in the shower and in the car by myself. I could be Beyoncé.
In public I sound like a cat that should be put out of her misery. My friend claims she is going to get up there. We will see if I will follow. I am not seeing it right now!!!