14DPO (I am not smiling!!!)

I was reluctant to test this morning. I knew enough time had passed. I didn’t want any bad news. Well I looked at that test in all kinds of light. It screamed at me, Negative. I know I still could be pregnant. I can’t scream fail until I see my period shows up.

This process is some new kind of torture. I emailed Mr. Known Donor and he is still willing. I feel like I always need to check with him. I don’t want him to flake out on me. I am going out-of-town for a wedding next month. I pray it doesn’t interfere with my insemination dates. I have no idea if or when my period will show up. So I can’t calculate for the days I am going out-of-town.

I have one more first response I am going to test again in a few days. I am going to try to wait until the end of the week. I could be surprised.

I have another therapist appointment tonight. I am going to ask her about these coping skills. I need a few of them now.



Baby Project #30

I am not pregnant. I knew I wasn’t when I got my period this morning. I was supposed to come back in to get ready for another IUI. I called it all off. I need a break.

The financial part of this is stressing me out. So the social worker was great about it. Said if I wanted to I could come back. Well the doctor called me back and said no she does not think it is a good idea I come back. She was nice about it explained her side of things. She thinks my next step should be IVF. I cannot afford IVF at this point and also do not have the insurance for it.

My next step is a known donor. I know I am going backwards. People start with a known donor first.  The appointments of the process didn’t bother me. It was tossing up another 2500 bucks.

I went to the Known Donor Registry.  I saw a guy I met online years ago. I never met him in person. Funny how small the world is. I was a little put off by the doctor. Telling me not to come back.

I still was calling it quits. It seemed that she thought I was an emotional wreck that couldn’t go on. No I didn’t want to spend money I did not have. The amount I owe right now is on a credit card. I don’t like that shit. She said she understood. Oh well moving on in my world.

How does a regular person by themselves afford this? I have a good job. Not a six figure job, but a good one. I feel punished for following the rules.  She also gave me a lecture about known donors also. Either way I am an adult. Even with my old eggs. I have to make decisions that work for me.

Baby Project #12

My doctor’s appointment was 9:20 am. I went to work because it is easy to get there from my job than my house. Damn Atlanta traffic. I swear every time that thing is in my VJAY it is a new form of discomfort.

The good news is I know have four mature eggs. I also have some small ones. I asked her about multiplies. She said I have a 2% chance of multiplies. Even with that 2% chance they made sure I signed that waiver that I know what I am getting my butt into.

Tomorrow will be my first insemination. I did not ovulate myself. I got the trigger shot straight in the ass. So she told me to check my ovulation tonight. When I get the positive it will show the medicine is working.

I asked her a question. She said are you just asking questions to ask questions. Because you know the answer. I should have been mad, because shit you should answer whatever question I ask.
My mother does the same thing when she is nervous. She asks the same questions over and over again. So I told her I am nervous. She then stated there is nothing else you can do at this point. It is not in your hands anymore. All you can do is show up to the appointments. You have four eggs we just need one to be good.  I feel so helpless.

On a lighter note I haven’t taken down my personal ad. I know I should, I am just not ready. Well I met this new guy online. He actually lives down the street from me. I was honest about my baby making journey. I wanted to give him a chance to run if it was too much for him. So far so good. We have been chatting for a couple of days.

I would hate to be a bad romantic comedy. The Jennifer Lopez movie where she met the guy the day of insemination. Life is stranger than fiction. I can’t claim to know what will happen in my life. I am surprised every time.



Okay the ex boyfriend text me yesterday. I need him to go away!!. I know I should have ignored it. I know I should have deleted the messages and moved on. Well woulda, coulda, shoulda. I answered with a vengeance  He still loved me, Could we still be friends. He is sorry. He is coming to my apartment.

Now I understand how women go back to their abuser. It so easy to call someone stupid for going back to someone. When you love someone and your emotions are involved you want to believe they changed. You want to believe the good. Even though all they shown you is bad.

In this case I was so pissed. I told him off several times. I don’t want to believe he has changed. I had enough experience to know that isn’t true. I don’t want to believe he cares about anyone but himself. Because I know that isn’t true. He wants to be my friend. None of my friends treat me like crap. So why would I put him in the category of great people who have been there for me. He is no friend.

He doesn’t want to be the bad guy. He wants to be forgiven so he can sleep at night. Well sorry dude not giving that to you. After I got sick of texting I called him and said “say your piece because this is the last time we are going to speak.” Blah, blah, blah the same bullshit coming through the phone. I went to the left. Not my finest moment. Not something I am proud of. Not something that made me seem like a mature adult. I blasted his ass. He hung up on me and I was emotionally spent. I can’t blame this man for what I allowed him to do. I know I share in the blame. I just need him to stop contacting me. I need to heal and move on. I need my life to not have him in it. Or anyone that brings me down in any way. Knowing him, time will pass and he will contact me again. Just like the cat that you can’t get rid of. He will be back!!!

No ovulation yet. Which is unusual. I guess the fertility drugs delayed it. The doctor said this drug usually pushes it forward. Well the eggs are staying in the oven to mature some more. She said she needed them to get bigger. They would be ready for the trigger shot by Wed. So that is what I am shooting for. My boss is out for a week. So my trips to the doctors won’t have to be explained. I will just tell another manager who knows the deal I will be back. Which makes this process smoother.

My anxiety is going out every day. I am about to put the sperm of a stranger in me to make a baby. I am working on starting a family alone. This shit is frightening. I also still want twins. I know my ass is crazy. But I want my child to have a sibling. Someone to go through life with.

God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

and the wisdom to know the difference

I am cooking my dirt tea tonight. I am going to drink today and tomorrow. She said to drink before insemination.  Here is to changing my life completely.



Important Week!!

I will be inseminating this week. I been testing and I swear my emotions have been all over the place. I did go on a three-mile walk yesterday. I pushed myself because my lazy ass was ready to die after the second time around the park. I was impressed with pushing through. Usually not like me. I found this song I am in love with. I usually do not listen to the radio, so I am not up on any of the latest music. Here is the music video.

I have to say I love old school music. When I grew up it wasn’t old. But now that my ass is old it is called old school.

Here is what I am use to listening to:

I didn’t do much this weekend. I did go to acupuncture  I am trying every angle to make this IUI a success. She gave me a tea to drink before I inseminate. I need to cook it up tonight. She doesn’t do tea bags. She puts the dirt, leaves and bark in a brown paper bag. So more dirt tea for me. I have actually been getting use to the taste. I swear I never thought I would say that.  Everything I have done this past 12 months is leading up to this week. Nervous is just part of my emotions. My Co-worker came to my office and said are you ready for this week. I said no thinking she was talking about work. She was referring to my IUI and I did show some excitement.

All this is some scare shit!! All of it. From going through the stress of the IUI working or not. Doing it all alone with no real emotional support. I was feeling lonely this weekend. I don’t have that feeling often. It did consume me a little. No one called all day Saturday. It is funny when you want someone to call the phone doesn’t ring. When you are in a great conversation the phone won’t stop.

I am going to start praying tonight. I need something to ground me. I feel all over the place.


Baby Project #7

English: Electron microscope image of sperm.


First ultrasound today. In two weeks I should be doing my first IUI. Reality is kicking in. I am listening to my positive thinking CD at work. I needed to hear more  of it. My commute isn’t long anymore.


I am letting it start over again and again. I want it to sink into my brain. I know my clothes were not fitting the way I liked this morning. I didn’t start off in a good place. Now that I am on the second time with this CD I am feeling a little better. I just started to realize my VJAY is going to be on display a lot. I am not used to that. Once a year at the doctor’s office is what I use to.


I know I am going to have to get over it. I never thought it bothered me in the past. I wasn’t in love with spreading my legs in front of someone, but I  could deal with it once a year. Well now it is going to be around five times this month.


I heard when you give birth everyone is down there.  I’ll deal with that when it happens. I need to stay positive. My uterus is a fertile place. I will be pregnant with my twins this month.  CD is working!!!!



No backing out!!

The social worker from the reproductive clinic emailed me. It is time to plan the doctor’s appointment. I need to make sure I am not pregnant before I begin this. I am trying to stay positive that I am pregnant.

She did answer a few of my questions. She stated there were women with the same AMH or lower who have gotten pregnant at their clinic. Also women with normal AMH that have not gotten pregnant. I felt good about that answer. Now I feel the test are not detrimentally bad.

If I am not pregnant, I need to be taking the DHEA. I been trying to find a place to take a blood test. It came into my brain this morning about my friend who got testing done with no insurance. I have insurance but don’t want to chase down a doctor or explain why I  want this test. I am sure doctors have heard it all, but I don’t want to do it.

Well my friend told me about a place called ANY LABS. There is one down the street from my house. I will be in there on Saturday morning. I called they will let me know the results by Monday.

I am excited and scared on so many levels. Reading so many blogs of infertility issues, it is hard not to go straight to the negative. I do read a few blogs where they were pregnant pretty quickly.

My new question for the social worker. Do I need a new sperm donor. I am CMV – my sperm donor is CMV+. I don’t see the big deal. I don’t know anyone who got pregnant ask the man what is their CMV. I hope it is not a problem. I want that sperm donor if I am using sperm donation.

Life is good!! So many what if’s but no complaints. All in all a good place to be.



Where is the light!!

I am looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. No luck on the scratch tickets. I am saving but I don’t feel fast enough. I look on the websites and I see jobs I would apply for if I was in Boston already. Limbo sucks!!! How do people stand it. I am trying to decided if I am going to inseminate myself. NW Cryobank sends the sperm to your house. I am thinking if I am to scared I can get my home girl to do it. She is an RN. Granted she hasn’t really practiced.

It really can’t be that difficult. I might give it a shot. I am working on my issues with things will come in their own time.

My boss got a new job within the company. Then my boss, boss quite. In two weeks we are going to be stuck like chuck. I am ready to blow this pop stand. I don’t want to be here when hell breaks loose. My goal is to be out of here in January. My mom was shocked I am coming so quick. For some reason she thought it was going to be April.

Everyone shocked I am leaving in the cold. I know I am going to freeze my ass off.  I need to get this crap started. My eggs are not getting any younger. I will be 38 in February. So hopefully by April I will have a job, been there several months and can start my insemination  That is my plan. Which is all subject to change when the bag of money falls in my lap. HEY A GIRL CAN DREAM!!!!


Lord I need PATIENTS


Patients Included


I am having such a hard time with patients. I am ready to have my babies yesterday. I know I am blessed, everything went in my favor. House is gone check, Money coming in check. I want the money now and the moving done and insemination and pregnancy to happen right now.


I am already pissed off I don’t have a husband. Now when I finally make the hardest choice in my life. Which I am still having a hard time dealing with. I have to wait even longer.


I have so many fears. Yet I am beyond ready to get this party started. Why do I want twins?  I would love to go through this process once. Have a sibling for this child that has only one true parent. My mom is a twin so there is hope. Plus I heard older women have more twins, Black women have more twins and tall women have more twins. Check, Check, Check. Am I scared to death to have two babies at once. HELL YES!!! But I will work it out. Like I work out everything in my life.


I could just get up and go and let the chips fall. I don’t want to leave in total financial disarray. I am trying to be smart. When I really don’t want to be. I am trying to be responsible when I want to throw up my hands and say I don’t give a shit. I am trying to act like a grown up. When I want to stomp my feet and say why me. Why do I have to go through this crap. Why do I have to be different. Why can’t I have a baby with having sex and not in an office. An office I can’t get to yet until I move to Boston get a job and have some health insurance.


Life is stranger than fiction. My life seems so fictional at this moment. I am not living on my own. I been on my own for 12 years. I am giving up my dog. I know my heart will break but it has to be done. I am moving to a place I barely like to visit. All due to my need to have a child.


Something I thought would come with the husband first. The husband dream I had to lay to rest in my mind. The fairytale that might come true in another time but not in time for a child. The fear of having fertility issues. The fear of being pregnant alone. The fear of who will really help when my children are born. It is easy to say how much you will help when they aren’t here yet. When they are fictional thoughts in your mind.


Cut in dry I am a ball full of fear with no patients. I HAVE ISSUES!!!



Funky cornchips!!

That is what Mr. Shitty pants smelled like. Until he was bathed in an oatmeal shampoo. He smelled so good after his bath. I just pick him up and take a whiff. He still hates baths. He only complies out of force. He is too hairy and I need to find sometime to take him to the groomers. Probably next months so he is going to look like a big hair ball by then.

I am so happy. Friends of mine said they will take Pedro aka Mr. Shitty paints when I move. I love this couple. It will be great. They already have a dog and they love my fur ball. Their dog is very jealous but I am sure he will get over it eventually. I know they will take care of him and keep me posted with pictures and updates. I couldn’t ask for anything better.  Things are really coming together!!

I have a court date for a moving violation. My perfect driving record down the drain. I do plan to fight it. Wish me luck. I don’t want my insurance to go up. Life is so up and down.

I received some coupons from the lottery. Buy one ticket get another one free. Well the guy made a mistake and printed three. I told him I will take them. A mistake could be my fortune. I heard that story to many times. They made a mistake I took it and now I am rich. I couldn’t let it go. I need to work on my lottery issues.

A friend of mind found a place that gives scholarships to alternative families for IUI and IVF. BABY QUEST FOUNDATION I am going to apply and see what happens. My friend told me they give out the grants three times a year. It is worth a shot!! It also doesn’t matter where in the country you live. I hope it helps!!