My life is a never-ending stream of issues. The Autism Center called me and stated the driver didn’t know how to put the car seats in. Just call me transportation coordinator. I tend to harass the transportation company at every turn. The other mother is very laid back. I asked her how she does it. She said anti-anxiety meds. I said shit I might need what she is taking.
Oh, and they said he was rude to there staff. So I created a group text with the owner and the other mother to complain. The other mother said, please don’t send him again she didn’t think it was a good fit. I was so pleased she stated it, so I didn’t have to.
I also like we have a direct connection to the owner of this company. That is also thanks to the other mother. I have such guilt that I can’t drive my child to and from school. I only use this service because I have no other choice. It is also a blessing because I don’t pay for it.
God has blessed my child in so many ways. I need to take heed of that. I feel like I fight endlessly for everything she needs. I want her to talk so desperately I am willing to take the fight as far as I can. Her safety is my number one priority, so I am on that transportation companies ass.
I was waiting for her on Friday. She was late it was raining could be traffic. Of course, I called, and he didn’t’ say hello. He started with she is late due to traffic. I like that they are scared of me. It means they won’t fuck with my kid or me.
The man and I had a little while to ourselves. My daughter loves her show on the sprout network. So while she was entertained. We spent two shows together. I know that is a damn shame. Such is my life. I love my mom. I will start with that statement. To put things into perspective. She drives me completely crazy. I have had several roommate situation. Everyone things I am great. My mother wants to make me 12 again, and bitch about nonsense. She is the one who has always had drama in living situation. I am starting to realize the factor in her drama is her.
She gets in these moods and then she wants to be mad at everything. So today I was supposed to get my nails done. I usually do them myself. Ava is not the kids to wait patiently anywhere. My mother watches her all the time. I asked her and it seems to fall through every time. I don’t mind doing my own nails. The feet and hands needs some professional attention. Then I can go back to doing it myself.
So I complained to the man, and he said he would go with me and Ava. He would watch her in the shop. If she gets out of hand he would take her to the car. Sounded great. Even thought he can be hard to catch up with. My mom took that as a slight and said why you going to do that. I will watch her. Why, Why did I fall for that shit. I was supposed to get my nails done last week. I said well lets wait until Sunday it is raining. I should have jumped at the chance.
She came home with an attitude. I didn’t wash the dishes ( Long story which is it own type of crazy) There was four dishes in the sink and sweet Jesus I wish I washed them now. She got her attitude. Which I know has nothing to do with the damn dishes. She is just in a bad mood. I am hear, I have to listen to the crazy.
Sunday comes she lets me take a nap. Great I am thinking her mood is over. After I wake up feed Ava and think OK going to get my nails done. Feeling like a felon about to be out on release. She starts yelling. My mother doesn’t talk when she mad. Everything is yelling. I tend to do it also. I apologize to the man when necessary. I feed Ava put her to sleep, which was supposed to be the nail time. Moms took a shower, got dressed and left.
I wasn’t in shock more expected. She might come back and say I can go. She might not speak to me all day. Who knows how this is going to play out. When I didn’t have a child in the mix that I need her help with. This wouldn’t be a problem at all. Her moods would be just that when I lived here. Now having a child in situation and I need her help I am stuck. I hate when someone has the upper hand on me. It drives me crazy. One of the reason I left and moved so far away. I know this isn’t the biggest problem in the world. My hands and feet will be alright until I get them done. It is just a pain in the ass.
It took me ten years to tell my family I was molested then raped. Why did it take so long? Well I really didn’t think they would care. They were very neglectful and I always felt I was more of a burden then a gift. Also my abuser was not a stranger. My first cousin was my first sexual experience. It started with touching. We would be on the living room couch watching T.V. My cousin and I with a blanket over us, nothing there was nothing unusual about that. He touched my body in a UN family manner. Others were in the room and I didn’t know what to do. He would take the opportunity for full penetration in the basement of the family summer home. I screamed in pain with my virginity being taken against my will. My only knowledge was what I saw on after school specials. Those special never mentioned what to do in a complicated family situation. How to speak up at 13 when your 25 year old cousin is doing things to you? How do I open my mouth to a family that felt children are seen not heard? How do I tell my grandmother who is raising me that her other grandchild was hurting me?
It took ten years. Yes I was about 23 when I screamed at my mother I was raped. It happened right under her nose. I told her this information to hurt her. It happened during one of our many arguments of how she raised me. My grandmother raised me. Even with this I still love my mother. During my formative years she was more into drugs and her friends. The selective memory my mom amazes me. I had to put the nail in the coffin and I screamed in a moment of anger “I was raped and you let it happen”. It did exactly what I wanted it to do. She broke down and cried. I felt bad but wanted her to feel pain at the same time.
I told my father and he said “What do you want me to do now”. I guess that would have driven me over the edge at one point in my life. The disappointment I have in my parents no longer makes me emotional. You have to take a test to drive but not to have children. I was born into a family that I finally can say did the best they could, which in my opinion was not much.
Despite my parents I did well. I graduated from college I have a decent career and a home. I refused to go to college graduation out of spite. I felt my parents did nothing to ensure my success. I was not going to allow them to praise me on all the work I did alone. I left that college and got my diploma in the mail.
I cannot rewind the clock and change the circumstances of my life. I have no idea how many of my decisions were changed by being raped. I know the rest of my teenage years I was beyond promiscuous. I was looking for love in any way possible. I would use my body for kind words of being wanted. Depression engulfed my life. I was told by a therapist I wasn’t depressed enough to go on drugs. I told him thank you but what the hell am I supposed to do. I come to the conclusion therapy was not going to do shit for me. So I continue in life. Not able to retain a relationship. I have no idea if that has to do with my sexual assault or my family made me who I am. A woman who believes no one will truly be there for me. Working on my issues can be trying because the feeling that no one understands my life. The most relief I have gotten is talking to other victims. Their innocence was ripped away with no recourse. At time I feel my family still doesn’t get it or care. Some seem insensitive to my circumstances and feel I should mend ways with him. Or they bring his name up like I care what is going on in his life. He took something from me. It can never be excused or can be given back. I will never know the true affect this has played on my life.