Life Progressions

My life has been through many stages. When I was small, I was taken care of but not a priority in my family. The success I have achieved in my life is due to a grandmother’s love. My grandmother was a smart, hard working woman. She worked several jobs and owned several homes.

If I could be half the woman she was, I couldn’t ask r much more. I get my work ethic from her. Also how cheap I am with money. I am not as successful as financial as my grandmother. I wish she were alive. I would have loved for her to meet Ava. She was amazing with kids. She could get Ava straight with a lot of things I feel I am lacking.

I was a fat child. I had a lot of stress and anxiety that made me eat. I started gaining weight when I was eight. I really felt unloved by my parents. As an adult, I know they love me. As a child, I didn’t feel that love.

I was molested by a family member when I was 13. Then my life really went downhill emotionally. I always did well in school. That was my own claim to fame. While ignoring and not having a lot of parental oversight. I did a lot of dangerous things that I am not proud of. I never got into drugs. I have seen how drugs took people down, and that isn’t where I want to be.

Food is a drug I was kneed deep in my food addiction.  I tried weight watchers and gained weight. I was at my heaviest when I graduated from college. 280 pounds with a shape that made me look 9 months pregnant.

I graduated and finally joined a 12 step program for food. It took a year of trying, but I finally started taking it seriously and lost 100 pounds in eight months. I felt like a new woman. I had confidence in full supply.

Before the weight loss, I was scared to do anything on my own. After the weight loss, I moved to Atlanta and didn’t look back for 14 years.

Atlanta life was crazy. I worked, but I went out all the time. I was thin, and no one knew me. I was living life, with no restrictions. I dated and still didn’t figure out the relationship thing.

Once my neighbor told me she wanted to have a baby by herself. I wasn’t on board immediately. Once we went to the first single mother by choice meeting, and I heard the ages of these women, that is when I was ready.

Then when I took the fertility test and failed. Once I thought I would never have a baby, that is all I wanted. Now I have my baby and GOD through me another curb ball. I have a special needs child.

None of my life I could have predicted. Some are a lot better than others. I know I have to appreciate every moment of my life. I have a friend whose life was cut short this year, shows me with the ups and down I need to enjoy every moment.

Preschool coming soon!!

Ava will be starting preschool the day she turns 3. I can’t believe I had this little person for almost 3 years. This shit is crazy. I remember living in Atlanta area crying my ass off, feeling like a failure. How the hell can I not have a man and no baby. WTF was god doing to me. Yes, I called my mother crying like a big ass baby.

God gave me a child who looks just like me. He gave me the baby that I desired. He didn’t give me a perfect baby. We have been on a roller coaster for over a year with Ava diagnosis. I am getting more comfortable and positive and I might share soon. The details of what has been going on this past year.

It was hard for me to accept. Even though acceptance did not stop me for doing everything necessary for the benefit of Ava success. I know that sounds strange, to not accept but be overboard with all that needs to be done. A therapist told me yesterday you are not one of the parents I worry about getting anything done.

I coming close to acceptance and living in the solution not the fears. Living in fear has been a big part of my life. The why me, pity  party, victim mentality. I fight those feelings all the time. Even fighting those feelings I do the next right thing. I had someone tell me a longtime ago give me great advice. Act as if you are strong until you are. Act as if things will be alright until they are. Act as if you love yourself until you do. So I practice acting as if and moving like my life is exactly they way I want it to be until it is.