I am having a hard time keeping up with this blog, my youtube channel. The book I have been writing hasn’t been touched in two months. These are the things I enjoy and I haven’t been doing them.
I can blame that on autism and partly my motivation and depression issues. I love this blog. I kept deciding to move it somewhere on the net where I can get paid. I tried with WordPress but I don’t have the kind of traffic they are looking for.
Expressing my feelings on this blog keeps me sane. So I decided to keep it here and because it does more for me then any check would.
I wish I had more time to work on things I like to do. A few days I just turned everything off and worked on an adult coloring book. Just to distract my mind from negative things. I have run out of topics for my youtube channel. Which has more to do with writing them down when I think of them?
I haven’t kept up with my routines that have kept all the balls in the air. I talked to my doctor about being depressed. I actually broke down and cried in her office. I wasn’t prepared for my own tears. She looked at me with concern and gave me Welbutrin. Which is supposed to help me with this 100 pounds I gained and depression. I have only been on it a few weeks. A very low dose, I was getting headaches daily. That has gone away thank god.
They say it takes a few weeks to feel effects. I am waiting patiently. I need some relief from my brain. Thank God they like me at work and I have no issues there. If that was also a problem I don’t know how I would cope.
I started a low carb diet. I tend to put more fat in the diet. I will use low-fat things as long as everything is low carb. This because urgent when I gained seven pounds in a week. Which I looked like a fool and totally embarrassed in front of the woman who takes the weight in weight watchers. Was I shocked I could gain that much weight in a week? NO!!!! I can get in my feelings a be a binge eater. I ate everything that week. From Chinese food to random take out, ice cream. I was having food orgasms that gave me a 7-pound weight gain in one week.
The come to Jesus moment. I cannot do the weight watchers diet. I cannot do food in moderation. It isn’t possible. I will never get to my goal weight not knowing who I am. Well, I continue weight watchers. YES!! It is at my job convenient and my job discounts the price. So the main reason I will continue to go is accountability. When I am accountable to myself that shit never works. I can lie to myself and get away with it every day. Sad but the truth.
So with my new Low carb diet, I have been weight myself every day.
July 28 251.6
July 31 247
Aug 1 246.5
Aug 2 246.2
Aug 3 245.2
Aug 5 245.6
Aug 6 244.4
Total weight loss 7.2. My goal is to lose 90 pounds. I want to get my skinny sexy back.
I started a knew diet plan. Hopefully it will get me to where I want to be. LCHF, Low carb high fat diet. I know I could figure this out on my own. I don’t have the energy. I need someone to take me through like baby steps. I have joined http://www.dietdoctor.com. This handsome Swedish guy who is a doctor. He has a bunch of videos and much more. I am addicted to his voice.
Don’t judge me, my kids will be watching everything she wants on TV all day. So I can get through this entire program today. Yeah it sounds bad, but single mom life shit happens. I know she is supposedly not to watch to much TV. Well I hear that, but shit I need a minute to myself and other things need to go on.
One of the therapist with a young child agreed with me. She knows sometimes she needs a minute. My plan is to get this big body back to a size 8.
WHY do I like a man that frustrates the hell out of me. Or is that his job. He sure acts like he is getting paid.
Today is Ava speech therapy. We are finally getting back to it now that the holidays are over. I know the results are not going to be instant. But I can keep hope alive. My mom is still not convinced we need all this. I feel we definitely do need it. It is also free, I have no reason to turn it down. All I see Are benefits in the long run.
I like my new job. Which is a blessing. I have been in many situations where I couldn’t say that. The things we have to put up with to pay our bills.
I am trying to figure out the formula for this low carb high fat diet.
Ok one version says count your calories. The other says you don’t have to. You can have almond as a snack in moderation. I took those almonds to the teenth power. Clearly no moderation for me. I messed up a few times. So starting again today.
I will go grocery shopping tonight. Between the diet doctor website, the insulin resistance book and youtube. I think I have a good grocery list.
I also need to stop being the lazy ass I am and log my food. Myfitnesspal works and very simple. My laziness knows no bound. I did get on the treadmill on Tuesday for 15 minutes. That all my out of shape ass could take. Then Wednesday Dave and I went to pick up a freezer from my father. Thursday my late day at work. So two days no treadmill. My plan is to get on it today. As I said plan. I have the plan I need action steps.
My daughter has been a sleep for three hours. Can I say loving it. Got a lot done. Even looking at my fantasy house I would buy if I won the lottery. Yes, I love to live in my head. My life is good but fantasy world is beyond amazing. She woke up but went back to sleep already after I change her diaper. I was going to give her a snack. I guess not a biggie for her. When she wakes up I will feed her dinner. Give her a bath and spend time with my baby.
I don’t think me and masonry guy are going to work out. I called and we chatted for a few minutes. He told me he works a lot and don’t do much else. I hate when men kicks disclaimers. I like you have no time for you. So if you are interested you have to deal with the bullshit. Even thought this man is beyond sexy. I can’t deal with the bullshit. Then he also said call me. WTF!!! If you are interested in me you can call me. I am not going to stalk you like I have nothing better to do.
He did put a little pep in my step by hitting on me. But sorry dude I can buy what you are selling. I have lost seven pounds since I have been back on my program. Finally the scale going down instead of up. 52 more pounds to go and I will be back to my fighting weight. Granted I don’t fight, I use that to say the weight I feel I look the best. In clothes at least. The abuse I have done with my body from being very overweight most of my life will need plastic surgery to fix.
I am over my issues with my body by now. Not the fat part, I will probably deal with that my whole life. The fact that no matter how skinny I get. I will have sagging skin etc. Just like my flat ass, I am over it. I am 40 it is what it is.
All is good in my world. I still haven’t made it to SMC meeting. I am working on it!!!!